Ultimatum
After 9 years of marriage, we are down to my one 16 year old son living with me and my husband. They had it out last night (almost coming to blows). My son absolutely had an attitude and was disrespectful. However my husband acted like a child himself, calling my son names and screaming at him, and hiding the internet router.
Fast forward to today where I was given an ultimatum that either I force my son to spend every other weekend at his father’s house or out marriage is over. My ex-husband is a jerk, and my son doesn’t mind spending a few dinners a week with him, but he has stopped doing sleepovers there (for a couple of years now).
I don’t think I have much choice as I am being given the ultimatum and I will not force my kid to stay where he does not want to. Meanwhile I endured years of trouble from his 3 daughter’s while they were living with us and not once was I able to discipline them. Just not sure I have the strength to do this right now!
Sorry, this is a tough
Sorry, this is a tough situation. Unfortunately, your husband is dealing with the here and now of your son... what did or didn't happen with his daughters is a little moot at this point.
It sounds like your son is exhibiting some poor behavior in the home.. to you (where your husband wants to defend you).. to your DH (where your DH won't tolerate it). I don't know the extent of what the kid was doing or has been doing to incur the verbal beatdown and cutting off of the internet but a lot of parents of teens use the internet blackout as a consequence.. so that in itself is not necessarily a bad thing for him to do.
I guess my question to you is that while your son was misbehaving and talking back etc.. what did you do about it? What were you going to do about it... were you going to cut off his internet? Was he going to lose some other privilege? Or did you not do anything and let your DH take care of himself.. and it ended up escalating? As the bio parent, I think you absolutely have the right to step in and say. "He's my kid and I will deal with him." and then YOU tear your son a new one for being a jerk and not only cut off his internet but confiscate his phone for a while.. maybe he's grounded this weekend. By not taking charge of it... your husband did and you didn't like that.. because you weren't allowed to do it with his kids...
So... perhaps in a calm moment you two need to discuss this. Maybe you tell him that you would prefer to mete out punishments and consequences yourself. But be honest that you aren't making excuses and enabling your son's bad behavior... that you let him run all over you and your household. Your DH is likely not going to allow THAT.
Now... visitation with his dad. Well, who's choice was it that things stopped? Dad's? I think that barring abuse he should be encouraged/required to go to visitation with his dad. I think that might give your DH a bit of space he needs at least every once in a while.
Your DH thinks he has the
Your DH thinks he has the authority to tell you that your minor son can't be around every other weekend? That's not a healthy way to solve the problem between them.
People argue. Teens get mouthy. Everybody reacts badly. But banishing someone from the home is not the solution. That will lead to even more resentment. Can you all be grownups and talk about what went wrong, what needs to change so that you can live together peacefully?
If your DH is truly giving you an ultimatum over this, and he doesn't back down after he cools off, then I'm afraid your marriage isn't very solid anyway. Just a blowup away from being over. That's not a way to live.
Thank you all
Someone referred me to this site and I wish I had signed up years ago!
I totally reamed my son out when I had him alone. I told him I raised him to show respect to adults and that mouthing off is unacceptable. I WOULD have inflicted a consequence, but this all occurred while I was in the bathroom and by the time I came out the router was out of the wall. It really was stupid. Typical teenager had You Tube too loud. My husband chose to be less than polite with his request to turn the volume lower, and my son then was nasty back. Stupid and childish on both parts. It’s an argument I have with him often, and I would have squashed it right then and there.
I tried talking to my husband today, but the ultimatum stands. My son did go to dinner with his dad before work. He is ok seeing him a couple of dinners a week but does not .enjoy sleeping there because of the situation in that home (new younger brother) and my ex-husband has low patience with both children there
I think sadly this might be over. I told him I am not going to make any decisions until I have processed everything for a week, and he doesn’t seem to agree.
Call your ex husband and
Call your ex husband and change custody. Your son may welcome the change with dad. It may be very good for him.
Yeahhh I know your husbands a jerk if not you wouldnt have tossed in the towel, right? LOL
Can’t do that
I have a restraining order against my ex. He really is an ass lol. I tried to encourage my son to go on his weekends, but the anxiety it was putting him through became too much. The school nurse would call me and say “it’s his father’s weekend, isn’t it?” because he would consistently make himself ill with worry about going
I think I see DH's strategy...
You said...
I'm thinking DH feels pretty unappreciated by your son, and is expecting your son might gain a better appreciation of DH by spending time with BioDad. I know that's something I've thought about. I've kept a thought "loaded in the chamber" for the right time... "Huh. Don't like my rules? Cool. Go spend the week at your dad's place and see if he's got a better deal for ya. I'm sure you'll see that he, like me... like everything in life... has rules. Just because your mom lets you run her life doesn't mean I will let you run mine." The kids are getting better, but haven't hit 16 yet. I did this with my own son, so DW knows I can do it with a SKid.
Something I explained to DW also was that Steps are not better or worse than Bio, but they are different. "But they don't have to be." Yeah. Anyway, they are. Bioparents have that biological link that forms before the kid was born. It's what makes dirty diaper time something you work through instead of tossing the kid in the river when their poo starts getting really ripe
. Steps didn't get that same bonding experience, which tends to make them more objective (though not necessarily cold). But when BioMom or BioDad says, "Awwww, pumpkin spice sugar-booger, you're so prettyyyyyy!!!" it's as a bioparent sees it; there's obviously a bias. And kids see through all that in their teens, and start to seek relationships with people who will be honest with them instead of flattering them.
Enter the strengths of a SParent. Depending on how you CHOOSE to see it, SParents are:
I sometimes feel ike the "Dutch Uncle" - other times, maybe the "Hired Help." It's a tough slog many days, and it can be pretty thankless. I feel for your DH, as much as I feel for you and your son, and if you can say they were both being childish, you can probably see they each had a point. I'd recommend you explore with DH what his motives are to send your son to live with BioDad, and I think you'll find that I'm at least partly on track about your DH wanting your son to appreciate DHs efforts. If so, you can work on your son to get him to start appreciating your DH a little more - you can start talking about the good things he does.
Then, too, you might find out what DH's problem was with your son watching YouTube videos. I'll confess, it DRIVES ME NUTS when DW's kids are literally living the Life Of Riley at the JavaHutt while yours truly is doing the trash and recycling twice a week, feeding the dogs twice a day, caring for the pool, and basically having EVERYONE'S BACK while knowing for certain that these folks simply don't have my back. These are teens, THAT'S WHAT THEY DO - they're self-centered, so it's up to the adults to condition them OUT OF expecting to be the center of attention. These are chores DW could assign to her kids, but she refuses to. Get with DH and set boundaries. No, sweetie, birthdays aren't a week or month long gig. No, kiddo, you don't hijack adults having a conversation to tell them about a kid in school who farted in the hallway. No, honeybun, you don't play your electronics out in the common areas of the house during chore time or movie time (or whatever your rules are). No, tater-tot, when it's chore time, you have to do your full 100% of your part of the job. IOW, never mind his parenting of his daughters, you have to parent your son.
And... failing all that... if you simply don't like your DH's parenting, show him the Disengaging Essay and ask him if it might be something he'd be willing to try. Believe me, it has made my life a lot less stressful, and the kids appreciate being given more latitude.
Good luck!
Hmmm. Nothing solved really
Hmmm. Nothing solved really by sending the teen to Dad's on weekends. SF and SS still have to make it the rest of the month together.
IMO, I don't do ultimatums, but this one is pretty silly. I get the kid was a little turd. Disrespect should not be tolerated. But , again, IMO, this one makes nothing 'better' for any of the remaining days/evenings.
How about hard labor? Your kid was a butt. He deserves consequences. Let SF get a sincere apology from the teen and SF also gets to decide what yard work or task is the penalty. Example, mows the yard x times, pulls weeds, cleans out the garage, cleans the basement and right down to painting the ceiling. Stuff out of the norm teen usually isn't expected to do. The electronic device is gone for x time.
After kid has done his 'sentence' go buy the kid a good pair of ear buds. Coming to almost blows over too loud YouTube? Seriously?
If your Dh isn't good with this and still demands the kid leaves or he wants a divorce.... give the man what he wants. A divorce. Because weekends away isn't going to settle this down.
DH needs some clarity.
DH needs some clarity. Remind him of your years long crap with his toxic spawn and let him know that he owes you and can leave anytime he wants.... with nothing.
This guy pisses me off.
Take care of you.
Sounds like your DH just
Sounds like your DH just wants some breaks from your kid.
Your husband shouldn't have to "politely" ask your kid to turn the YouTube down. At 15, he should already know how loud is too loud. And as a bill paying adult in the home, DH can do whatever he likes with the damn router.
So I'm going to disagree that they were "both" being childish. Did he have a habit of defending his daughters' terrible behavior and put them on the same level as you?
And you allowed your son to stop staying overnight at his dad's? Uhg. That's Disney parenting at its height. And you let your kid make this decision at what age? The ripe old age of 12/13? Yeah, that's crap.
I'm betting those weekend breaks were the only way your dh could cope with your son's behavior the rest of the time. Imagine if you had to deal with his daughters 24/7.
So what if you were in the bathroom when it started?! That means your son doesn't get any consequences?! So if he punches a kid at school and teachers saw it, you wouldn't punish him because you weren't there? Do you trust teachers more than your DH?
Start parenting your kid and you wouldnt have to worry about ultimatums like this.
I was insulted and put down regularly while he defended
his daughters’ rebellious behavior for years
I did have to deal with his kids 24/7
For a few years. They were supposed to spend summers with their mother, but they didn’t either. During those years I had to deal with shop lifting, vandalism, and underage drinking. And I squashed a few “open house” parties they attempted if I was away. In turn I was put down while he defended their choices..
My husband did act like a childish bully, insulting my son, calling him a little bitch and mocking his learning disability. There is nothing adult about that.
I tried to force my son to stay at his dad’s because I enjoyed the quiet myself. His father has gone on vacations with his “new” family to Disney and the beach this year, and told my son there was nowhere for him to sleep so he couldn’t come with them. You tell me how I am supposed to encourage a teenager to go to a home where he is excluded.
Those important details were
Those important details were left out of your story.
And sorry, but why should dad pay for an expensive vacation for a kid who can't be bothered to spend more than dinner once in a while with him?
Sounds like there is a serious lack of parenting going on for all the adults. As your husband is discovering, it's much harder to deal with an unparented, bratty teen who isn't yours. And as you are discovering, it's much easier to defend the bad, unparented behavior of your own flesh and blood.
You can continue to compare your son's behavior to his daughter's, and you can defend your lack of parenting by pointing to DH's lack of parenting....but that cycle is only going to get you another divorce and a kid who grows to be adult who can't cope with the world.
Of course you don’t force
Of course you don’t force your son to spend time with a parent where he isn’t wanted.
Which begs the question of why you force him to stay with you in the toxic household that you created with your toxic severely lacking in character idiot husband?
For that matter why T-F do you remain with this prick?
Grow some lady balls and boot his useless ass to the curb.
Call the locksmith to rekey the licks. NOW!
I guess I am an immature
I guess I am an immature ahole who needs to grow up - because I could see myself doing what your DH did. He probably did something like yell "turn down the GD volume on that sh*t!" And when your son went off on him he responded not by beating his a$$ (unacceptable but tempting) but by tearing him to shreds with words. If some little ahole punk was disrespectful to me I would mince no words in reducing them to a blob of quivering ectoplasm. And I can do that without even raising my voice or using bad language. Attack me and I CAN and WILL hit below the belt with words. I will use ANY of someone's weaknesses to destroy them. I would not do this with a 10 year old - but a 16 year old is fair game.
What his ahole children did in the past is not relevent. That's a sunk cost. Done. It does NOT give your son a free pass to act as bad as they did. His children sound HORRIBLE. Do you think that gives your son a right to be awful as long as he is not as bad as they were?
I have no clue what the "solution" is here except maybe for your bratty son to man up and learn how to treat others when confronted by something they did wrong.
I used to blow my stack with
I used to blow my stack with SS. A very ineffective methodology for dealing with issues I found.
So I went calm, quiet and effective. If there was a problem with electronics, I made them inoperable. If he was exhibiting a higher than usual level of teen boy brain farts and lippy crap.... I invoked an elevated status of abject misery to his exhistance. Ultimately... Military School. I never felt particularly good about it when I would blow my stack so I quit... for the most part.
My parents were not yellers and screamers. Thew were calm, firm and down right cerebrally calculating in dealing with their sons. I finally adopted their method which was far more effective than my former volitile method.
Just some thoughts.