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Tired as hell, need advice

Designgirrl's picture

I live with my BF (fiance as we plan to marry) and we just had a baby 3 weeks ago. So many things are irking me right now about SD 6 and BM I don't even know where to begin. 
Examples of BM's bullshit are: when I was in he hospital 3 weeks ago she called 3 times telling my  BF that their daughter was acting up. Hello! I'm in labor! Emergency style mind you !  
She often calls to say how her D 6 is acting up and says that my BF "has to get her ...I can't deal with this" 
She often asks for nights off from being with her D and wants to have my BF take her on our nights off. She knows this won't be easy now that our son is here and she's doing everything she can to interfere and become a pain. She also uses their daughter as a pawn in making BF feel as guilty as possible about everything. 
Also BM has a BF and we suspect he is living there and paying rent. If we can prove this she won't get alimony anymore (it's in their divorce agreement).  
SD 6 is another story. Shes really good at hiding her emotions and she's very manipulative just like her mother. 
She cries and cries and doesn't want to go to school. She has issues with girls there...at 6 yeas old. 
She sees a therapist but it does nothing. 
This may sound weird but she's obsessed with the baby. Obsessed with her "brother".  She creates books about him, goes up to random people in the street to talk about him, always wants to hold him, always talks right on his face which really gets under my skin because shes ALWAYS sick. 
She lies about being sick just so she can come close to and hold the baby.
It doesn't sound like alot of examples of how obsessed she is but every freaking thing lately revolves around SD 6 and her "brother" I can't take it. 
Im a first time mom and it seems to be more about their relationship than about me, my BF and the baby bonding. 
She is fake nice to me so it's even more annoying that she's like this about the baby. 
Anyway I'm new here and last nights events were the straw that broke the camels back. 
BM was supposed to pick up SD at  8:30pm. (we have SD every other weekend and Wednesdays for dinner).  
Again she was late. Not just 5 mins, but an hour and 15 mins!!!!
BF and I are on a baby schedule. He gives the baby a bottle at 8:30 so I can sleep for a few hours because baby is up all night and I let BF sleep so he can go to work and function. 
Well her lateness F'd that all up ... I gave the bottle and ended up staying up through my much needed rest time and by the time he took over he ended up losing his sleep time.  
I hope BF says something to her today (he didn't want to do it in front of his daughter). 
I can't live with this bullshit and a baby. I'm tempted to say something to her myself. 
Should I just let BF deal?  It's affecting me and I really want to say something. 

gijimenez5's picture

Unitl you don't tell your BF something it will continue to happen. Me and DH have been together for 7 years and when we were first dating, I had the same issues, BM calling all the time about SS11, (mind you that at the time SS11 lived with my DH), If she had him a weekend out of the month she would call him while we were on a date, that he needed to come home because she was going to drop him off. I can go on, and on. Once he moved in with me, SS11 went to live with his mother, she expected us to have him every weekend. When we would drop him off at an agreed time, she wouldn't be there and we would be outside waiting for 1 hour sometimes 2 (we live more then an hour away. Not until I confronted him did things change. BM think that they have the upperhand because they have the child which they play as a pawn. I still have my struggles but my DH finally understands that I am on his side and that he will not be toyed with. Talk with him,tell him that next time she is late you will not open the door, not to bother coming.

Aeron's picture

DH used to get calls from BM with the same crap of "you have to take her, I can't deal" and he said fine, but if I take her now, that's it, I have custody, we'll have the paper signed and notarized and go to court to custody changed. Somehow, she always found that she Could "deal with it". The trick here is, you and your fiance have to mean it (which you may not be prepared for).

As for SD being obsessed about her brother... well, honestly, I can think of worse things - a lot of skids won't even acknowledge their half-siblings and many have threatened to hurt them. I get that it's irritating to have this kid want to spray germs all over the baby and really, it's your right to tell her no, she can't hold the baby. "I'm not sick!" "Yes, you are." "I want to hold him!" "Well, he needs to go down for a nap/have a feeding/he's fussy"

I'm not sure why BM being late screwed up the schedule. Can your fiance not give the baby the bottle and watch SD at the same time while you rested?

Designgirrl's picture

With regards to the bottle we are suplimenting with two bottles the rest is me breast feeding and I prefer the baby to have a quiet feed time without SD in he baby's face. Otherwise yeah I'd totally do it that way.

my.kids.mom's picture

Okay, ^^^^^THAT^^^^^^ is crazy. EVERYTHING you just said about the bm is moot because you have just stated that it was YOUR decision to screw up your night. From what you have stated here, you just need to let some things go. You need to stop being rigid, and creating drama for yourself by letting the sd and bm have so much power over your life and the decisions you make. Go with the flow. You and bf don't need to bond w/ baby at the same time. When baby is attached to your breast most of his waking hours, you are bonding. When bf is giving the bottle, holding, caring for the baby, he is bonding. The bm and sd can't interfere with that, no matter how much you want to blame them. The sd is acting appropriately and if she was your daughter all these things would not be bothering you. Everyone knows that skids have cooties and biokids do not. But if you don't get over it, it's going to ruin this time with your baby, and if it does, it will be your fault, not sd's or bm's.

I experienced the SAME exact thing with my sd8, I'm speaking from experience. I also had to deal with inlaws. When you have a new baby, you want to hide out, breastfeed, sleep, breastfeed, sleep, etc. but while you are sleeping bf can be with baby and sd. That is when sd can bond w/ baby.

duct_tape's picture

"Everyone knows that skids have cooties and biokids do not." Peed my pants on that one.

Anyway, my.kids.mom is so right. I get the whole want to be alone with the fuzzy outline of the picture moments. We all do. But, real life will eventually hit you. Whether it's this girl, or a job, or dishes, or the dog shitting on the floor. Something is going to wake you out of your fuzzy baby daze-days. You can't control things as well as you want. Yeah, it would have been nice if you could have holed up in your house for ninety days with just your hubby and soft lights with a baby. But, trust me, that is rarely the case even for freakin' celeb moms.

Designgirrl's picture

I understand all this ... I do wish we had alone time together it's true . And boy do I wish sleep was definitely part of the feed, bond equation. This baby does not like to be put down to sleep. But in regards to the BM ...an hour and 15 minutes late to pick up the D is just completely unacceptable to me I'm sorry I just can't live like that. If you say you're going to be five minutes late and it turned out to be an hour and 15 minutes it's just not right. She has no regard for anybody else's time. She pulls this kind of shit all the time. We always stick to the schedule unless it's discussed before hand when it comes to visitation ,drop-offs or pick ups.
And hello , calling your ex-husband three times while His partner is in labor about to have an emergency C-section is just ridiculous.