Thinking about a blended Family

Forums:

Hi, this might seem a bit strange but I am not yet part of a blended family, just thinking about it.
My partner and I have been together for 15 months. Obviously it's been lockdown, so we haven't really been able to spend time much with each other's kids anyway.
I have always had reservations about being a step mum but the closer and more real it gets, the more frightened I am.

His kids are 11 and 9, both girls. He is the classic guilty dad and rarely says no to them. They are with him every other Wednesday and every other weekend (Friday to Monday) so he has them approx 30% of the time.

I struggle to cope with the stresses of my own kids who are 6 & 4, so I can't imagine cleaning and cooking for his kids too. The only saving grace for me is that my kids are in bed by 8, so I get a few hours to rest. His go to bed at 10 so that wouldn't happen anymore.

I didn't see a good situation with my half sister growing up so I think that's making me more nervous.

we're at the point now that we need to start committing to each other and building relationships with the kids but I can't seem to get past this issue.

Am I a bad person or am I right to be worried?

Any advice appreciated

If I could go back and do it

If I could go back and do it over again. I would have stayed dating SO and not moved in together.

I think the PAS would have never happened and my life would be free from all the added unnecessary stress.

As it is now because of the PAS and SKs behavior. SO pretty much live seperate lives under the same roof.

Listen to your fear- it's

Listen to your fear- it's trying to tell you something. Can you stomach being with someone else's kids for a third of your life? And btw, their dad should be responsible for cooking/cleaning after them, not you! If this his expectation, you have an additional problem.

Sounds like two very

Sounds like two very different parenting styles and they are not complementary. This very issue is one the most frustrating for blended families. Your gut is screaming at you about this. Listen to it. You can date for a very long time and not move in together. You don't "need" to move forward now, there are no rules to follow. Don't push this when you feel such hesitation. Your first responsibility is to raise your kids. If nothing else I can say to you is to slow down and keep your kids free from the stress they would be under watching skids be raised differently from them.

Dont

One word. DON'T

You've already outlined where your hells are going to be before it has even happened. Kudos to you for being able to vibe that out before it was too late and you were knee deep. Some - most - however you want to see it didn't see it before hand for whatever reason.

Cautious

He is very hands on with my kids and understands our relationships will be different, as in I won't be as close with his kids because they would be there 30% of the time. Plus I just don't easily get attached to other people's kids, especially teenagers.

He also says that if we take that step he will cook and clean for them, it won't be my responsibility.

I will definitely take it slowly, as my gut is definitely telling me to be careful. The stress on the kids is my number one concern, but I'm a close second!
ive considered ending it completely but it's hard to accept that I'll likely be alone until the kids are older.

Thanks for the advice. It's so nice to be able to hear from people who get the situation

Why can't things stay as they

Why can't things stay as they are in your relationship until your children are older or umtil you are more confident in moving forward with blending households? Is your bf pushing this?

What do you mean that you're

What do you mean that you're at a point where you need to start committing to each other? What happened, besides time moving along, that says you need to do that?

It doesnt sound like either of you have made any changes to show that you're willing to compromise to ble d families.

It doesn't sound like you're pregnant where you NEED to figure out how to co-parent.

It sounds like you each have your own homes, pay your own bills, raise your own kids, etc.

So where is the NEED to make changes? Is it really a NEED or a WANT? Because if it's a WANT, you need to listen to your gut that is telling you things aren't where you NEED them to be to have a successful relationship.

If things are working now and he's not willing to make the changes you need him to make before you all move in together or progress in whatever way you all want to progress, then keeps things the way they are. You either have to accept that this is as good as it gets, end the relationship, or move forward knowing it's not right.

I could have been a whole lot

I could have been a whole lot happier if I stayed dating SO. Our relationship would have been a whole lot better than it is now. Simply because I would be able to remain in the outside looking in.

There is a big difference. Even though I. Am disengaged from doing anything for SKs, they still disrupt the household and target me. Because SMs are SKs favorite target and the one to blame for all Thier problems. So no matter what you still are irritated on a regular basis.

I don't care what they think about me. But I do care about being subjected to the constant beligerence and disrespect. Not wanting to have people in my home because SKs are an embarrassment, because they lack basic manners. Not to mention their complete lack of basic cleanliness and hygeine skills.

I don't know how it will effect DS when he gets to the age when he wants to start having friends over. Will he be embarrassed by SDs attention seeking antics or will he just ignore her?

Dear Neice is an adult and her friends find both SDs annoying and ridiculous.

You are right to be worried.

You are right to be worried. Listen to your gut.

Living apart

So after a few months considering options we've realised that living together is not going to work. He is a devoted father, and he can't move away from him kids even 15 minutes as it would mean he couldn't take them to school. Also we can't afford a house big enough to house all of our kids.

The choice is to stay together and accept we can only really see each other 2 evenings a week, or call it a day.

Most of you seem to say stay living apart and that should be ok, but is it much of a relationship when you get that little time together?

I'm very confused right now. I know kids always come first, but sometimes it's hard getting very little time with a partner.

Experience with limited time

Experience with limited time together might just bring clarity to you both on the relationship. Either he reevaluates his choices about moving or he stays put and you move on. You have to deal with the reality at hand, not try to force a situation that will blow up in your faces and bring down the kids involved. Sometimes people just are not meant to be.