You are here

Teenage SS doesn't want to go to BM's on his scheduled visits

Alyssa's picture

Biomom and her son have never gotten along very well, so SS lives with DH and me. Problem is DH doesn't feel that 14 yr old SS should have to go see BM, if he doesn't want to go. I do not feel that this is fair to us.

My bio-kids see their BD a lot and never miss seeing him 'because they just don't feel like it'. I feel that it is not their choice and they should see their dad regardless of what they 'feel like doing' and I continue to stick to the joint schedule. On the other hand, my children do want to see their dad, so usually there is no resistance; whereas SS just wants to be home with us always.

I feel that he should be made to go see his bio-mom at least occasionally. I feel that its not fair that we get weekend breaks all the time from my children, but are never totally kidfree, as his kid just doesn't want to go to his mom's.

I do not feel that this is fair to DH and my relationship. Yet, DH allows SS to pick and choose whatever he feels like. And if he does go to the mom's and wants to come home early, DH has dropped everything several times when we are hours away (on our time) and sometimes, on a mini-vacation to tell SS 'he is on his way' when his kid calls as says, 'dad, pick me up, I want to come home real early.' Dad drops everything, so that our time is cut short and he has to drive back several hours before we were scheduled to get SS.

He caters to this kid and doesn't seem to have a backbone regarding the situation. I wonder if it is due to guilt that the Biomom, up and left, taking the other two kids with her, but leaving DH and SS abandoned....?!

DH is a great guy, but I do not know how to talk to him without sounding disrespectful of SS. Looking for some insight on how to convey my thoughts and hopefully get him to realize that we need some kidfree together occasionally. I do not think I am being unreasonable and I think its only healthy that he goes to mom's and see his siblings, too.

BTW, there is no drama or complaints when SS comes home. I just feel that his dad gives him too much power regarding joint custody.

Jsmom's picture

If he is over 14 you can't force them to see the other parent. We are waiting the 9 more months for SS to not have to see his BM. I am okay with that. He is miserable there, why should he not want to be where he feels safe, happy and loved. I would let this one go, it is the kids right to do what he wants. Here after 14 they dictate where they live and the visitation. I would wonder more why he doesn't want to see his BM.

Jsmom's picture

Echo - we have had this argument before and it still has not changed. In GA - Trust me, we spent 14K to learn this the hard way. No judge here will go against what the child wants after 14...And yes that is why the house with the best toys and no discipline will always win. I wish it was 18, but it is not....Countless lawyers and friends that are mediators have said the same thing. Only way it can go against what the 14 year old wants is if you can prove the living situation is harmful to the child. THen it is considered, but they will usually go with the child. The reason we were given is that after 14 they are more likely to run away and be a problem in the system and this ruling prevents some of that.

BS to me it is lazy judges.

Jsmom's picture

It is not what I believe it is what I have experienced....And that is true. SD15 came to us the week after her 14th birthday and we spent 14K to learn we couldn't win once the child decided she no longer wanted to live here. Lived it and now have with SS13. BM and her lawyers knew she couldn't stop him from doing what she wanted since we had already been there with SD so she settled.

Yes SD15 doesn't do her schoolwork, has been out drinking and has no boundaries. Yet the judge let her have what she wanted and we spent 14K for two years to figure this out...

So again - I have lived this now twice. Do I agree with it no!!!! But, it is what it is.

Doubletakex3's picture

FDH's SD decided where she wanted to live when she was 12 (and that was 8 yrs ago). BM was moving half way across the country and SD didn't want to go. Judge let her stay and gave GM guardianship. Apparently a psych eval was done on SD and the report said she was exceptionally mature.

Our atty has advised that no judge in this county will force a child over 14 (and usually 13) to visit with a parent against their will...it's too hard to enforce. SS16 refuses to see his BM and now SS13 is only spending maybe 2 nights a month. FDH asked if we should be concerned if BM took him to court to enforce the visitation and he said "not a chance."

It happens.

And, yes, that means we get no alone time which does stink.

dragonfly5's picture

What is magical about 14? We just took Crazo to court in Florida and the judge told her that she had to had the kids available and yes they had to go for visitaion. FSS is now 14.

HadEnoughx5's picture

In the DVD Welcome Back Pluto (it's about parental alienation) kids do not have the choice to do alot of things and visiting a parent is one of them. Once you give them the "power" it's difficult to get it back from them. It's a dvd worth watching.

I'm not saying that is what is occuring, I'm just suggesting it's educational use.

sterlingsilver's picture

My ss14 has only gone to visit his mom twice in the last 2 years. I don't blame him but there are times when I just want time alone with my honey. He has started going over to friends - finally - but it's always on nights when either my kids are here or his brother. We have not been completely kid free in almost the whole 2 years now. To top it off ss14 and ss17 are constantly knocking on our door for this and for that and it really annoys me b/c there have been times when we have to dive for the covers. I know, at least they knock! lol There was a time when ss14 did not knock >:@
It seems you and I need to work at "arranging" our kid free dates by sending kids off to friends or other relatives. I just can't wait until all the kids - his two and my 2 - are adults and move out. lol

VioletsareBlue's picture

As far as the knocking ... even our SD7 knows that if the door is shut you do not knock or bother us unless someone's limb is cut off or the house is on fire. It is a HUGE no-no in our house. We deserve privacy without interruption. DH finally told SD16 that if she knocked on the door again when it wasn't a true emergency he would answer it naked. She hasn't done it since ... lol. I suggest making this clear.

Oi Vey's picture

I really think that children should see both parents. I don't think just because a child "doesn't feel like it" means that a court order no longer means anything.
The other parent is LEGALLY ENTITLED to time with their child.

As a SM, if the skids just "didn't feel like" seeing their father and their mother ENCOURAGED it, I'd be upset for my DH. First, that's PAS by the mother, and second, the kids deserve BOTH parents.

There's a court order, ladies and gents. If you don't like it, file to modify.

mama_althea's picture

I take it BM isn't wanting him to come either, or she'd be fighting for it. I'm on the fence on this one without knowing how BM treats SS. If she treats him badly, then I wouldn't want him to go. If BM treats him well, then he should go at least at some interval.

Now the way your DH drops everything to go "rescue" him...that's a problem.

Alyssa's picture

Thank you all for your input thus far.

Yes, Mama_althea, BM is indifferent if he comes or not. I agree, she would be fighting for him to come over if that is what she wanted.

BM treats SS like she does her other kids when he is there and there are no problems or complaints about her. Believe me, if there was, we would hear all about it from a very vocal SS!

I agree as well, that it is a problem all right about DH dropping everything and catering to SS.

Oi Vey, good point about the modification suggestion. I think I will pass that idea right on to DH and see what he thinks of it.

Maux,

Wow, the whole Smelly thing. I totally feel for you and am sorry to hear!

Sterlingsilver,

I cannot wait til the SS it grown and out of the house, too!

12yrstepmonster's picture

Heres my two cents and what I told my Dd:
God chose your parents- sucks to be you

Yes it sucks that you spend most of your school breaks 1000 miles from your friends but he's your dad. Deal with the cards you were dealt

She turned 18 and off to college and mentioned seeing her dad less, ok Dd that is a choice to spend less time but if you quit seeing him because you don't want to make the trip. You had better figure out how to live without his support you dont gettin play grown up halfway.

i don't agree that our support is going to increase because Ss doesn't want to come for his scheduled weekends. If dh didn't want to exercise visitation then by all means sock it to them. But if the kid is old enough to decide not to come then the support shouldnt go up.

I have a real issue with kids choosing between the best house. It's the cards they were dealt play them.
But ss doesn't come because our house is boring. Because I'm mean because he ss is asked to do chores in our house, because I yelled at him for hitting bd who was 11.

12yrstepmonster's picture

Heres my two cents and what I told my Dd:
God chose your parents- sucks to be you

Yes it sucks that you spend most of your school breaks 1000 miles from your friends but he's your dad. Deal with the cards you were dealt

She turned 18 and off to college and mentioned seeing her dad less, ok Dd that is a choice to spend less time but if you quit seeing him because you don't want to make the trip. You had better figure out how to live without his support you dont gettin play grown up halfway.

i don't agree that our support is going to increase because Ss doesn't want to come for his scheduled weekends. If dh didn't want to exercise visitation then by all means sock it to them. But if the kid is old enough to decide not to come then the support shouldnt go up.

I have a real issue with kids choosing between the best house. It's the cards they were dealt play them.
But ss doesn't come because our house is boring. Because I'm mean because he ss is asked to do chores in our house, because I yelled at him for hitting bd who was 11.