Talking about what we would do if we divorced...
I met my husband when I was 21 and he had 2 kids from his first marriage that were 4 years and 11 months. We got married when I was 22 and his daughter (4) decided on her own that I was mom. Their BM is not and has not been in the picture since the divorce. Now we have 2 kids (3 yrs and 10months) together.
Recently, my husband had an anxiety attack that presented like a heart attack .Since then, nothing has been the same. He has been distant. When we talked, he said he wants to coexist because he doesn't know what is going on with him .Now, a couple months later, we talked about it again and he brought up what we would do if this led to divorce. I cannot imagine myself without him or our kids being together. The kids are all so close and I have an incredible bond with my SKids.
My husband has asked me to think about how I would want things to go if we got to the point of divorce...I don't even know where to begin thinking about it. I feel as though I'd lose my SKids and we'd be ripping the kids apart!
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!! I'm freaking out about this. I cant eat much, I don't sleep much...but I pretend I'm okay for the kids and I'm determined to show my husband that this family is worth fighting for...
First, get a lawyer.
First, get a lawyer. Forwarned is forarmed should the marriage be coming to an end. He has shown his hand. Use that knowledge to your advantage. Prepare. If you don't need to act on it, great. If you do, you are ahead of the game.
Second, get to marriage counseling.
As for your relationship with your Skids. That will be a tough one as former SParents generally have no rights. As your possibly former Skids get older you can engage them in a relationship that is independent of their relationship with their dad.
Agree with Rags completely.
Agree with Rags completely. You need to consult with a lawyer. Also, it sounds to me like your husband needs individual counseling just as much as you all need marriage counseling. Do you or he know what brought on the anxiety attack?
He is doing individual
He is doing individual counseling. He says he has no idea what brought it on.
Should we wait for marriage counseling until he is further in his? He's only had 2 appointments.
I don't want to make light of
I don't want to make light of what's going on for you, I'm sure it's very painful.
I don't know how much tolerance I'd have for him waffling about it and keeping me on the hook - I'd likely ask him to move out (and take the two older kids), while he sorts this out. I know that seems harsh, but he can't just keep "talking about what if we get divorced" - he needs to either commit to staying for now, or go.
He's not thinking of your feelings at all.
What IF?? Sounds like your
What IF?? Sounds like your husband is already on his way out. I agree that you need to get a lawyer ASAP and get yourself into counseling.
Ladies! A man with 4 kids
Ladies! A man with 4 kids under 8 (?) will soon be available! Line up and take a number!
Seriously, what the hell does he think he's doing? Does he plan to care for 4 kids at the same time? He sounds like a self-centered jerk.
Either leave, or don't leave, buddy - but don't let him torture you. Ask him to go now.
The oldest is 11, then 7,
The oldest is 11, then 7, then 3 and then 10months
Why not beat him to the punch
Why not beat him to the punch? How nice that he's giving you fair warning! He needs to go. Bye good luck with 4 small children. Let's see how many women will deal with that lol. This guy needs a reality check. Don't get the door hit you on the way out bud.
That's what I say too - kick
That's what I say too - kick him out now to show him what it will be like if you divorce. And he can take the two older ones and start paying child support immediately for the two younger ones.
Yup! Then he'll have no money
Yup! Then he'll have no money or time! Unless he finds another victim I mean woman...
It is not necessarily normal
It is not necessarily normal to suggest divorce because he is having anxiety attacks. I mean.. why on earth would he think that would solve anything. It is maybe more possible that it wasn't just job isssues that created his stress.. the fact that he is hinting that divorce is a real possibility.. that needs to cue you in that there is something more than a little stress happening.
I mean.. yes.. perhaps he is going along the lines of "I am too damaged to be in a relationship".. but it could also be foreshadowing that he feels he is too much of a burden.. maybe foreshadowing suicide too as another way "out" for him.
There is also the possibliity that it is some other thing he has been doing that makes him think you won't be together.. an affair.. drugs.. gambling etc..
This is not something to take lightly. Like Rags said.. get to a lawyer.. also get yourselves in front of a cmpetent therapist..
I bet he has a girlfriend
Hence the anxiety attack. I would NEVR advocate being the "marriage police", but if I were you I would do a day or two of sleuthing.
I am going to be the only one
I am going to be the only one on this thread saying hold on for a little bit! I have general anxiety disorder and panic attacks. My therapist likes to say "Depression is Anxiety's best friend".
When you are dealing with depression and that feeling of downward spiraling, dark thoughts pass in your mind. If he was asking about divorce, he may be trying to express his feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. It might not be that he wants a divorce but more of the reassurance that you aren't going to leave the shell of a person he has become.
I would suggest that in the next few session with his therapist that you suggest you go together. For right now, stand by him and help him through this.