Stepdaughter ruining my relationship
I've known my SO for almost a year now. In the beginning of our relationship everything was bliss. He was literally the perfect match, missing puzzle piece, etc. We have so much fun together, can communicate, support eachother emotionally etc. well maybe a month into the relationship I met his daughter (6 at the time) she seemed nice but also I could tell she knew way too much for her age from how she spoke. I have neices her age and they are a million times more innocent than she is. Well as the weekends went by that we had her I noticed how my SO's mood would change. He is typically very happy go lucky and calm but anytime she was around he would be in the worst mood. I totally get it my son has ADHD and some days can be rough. After some time it started getting to me because as soon as he'd wake up he would just be waiting for me to wake up to unload his complaints. Not only that but her behaviors, the way she would speak to him, and the way she would straight up lie to his face then act all cute or cry when she would get in trouble would make me cringe. Not to mention how uneducated she is with manners or just common sense things like wiping after using the restroom and eating with utensils not hands or chewing with her mouth closed instead of open. I let him know how it was effecting me and told him I need space on the weekends I didn't have my son as those were the weekends he had his daughter and I stopped accompanying them to his moms house for Sunday dinner. Fast forward a few more weeks and she is now screaming at the top of her lungs every night at her moms house because she claims she felt something touch her hair. She has 4 other siblings and doesn't get enough attention so I'm sure she is taking the behavior to the next level. She goes to her fathers and starts the same type of behaviors having him sleep with the light on and waking up every few hours to ask if he is still there (he sleeps right next to her). My last straw was when she stayed over and started screaming bloody murder waking my son and everyone else up in the house for the entire weekenf. He ended up staying up literally all night with her on the couch to the point he came back to the room crying because he didn't know what to do anymore so I had to step in and be stern with her. She also influences my son by trying to parent him for example he was chatting with a friend in a game and she tells him to be careful because he could be talking to a man that likes boys. I was livid SO didn't say anything, I had to. I warn my child about that kind of thing in a pg way ughhh We are engaged and I really dont think I can handle all of this. I come from a background of abuse and the dysfunction and toxicity is a trigger not only me but both of my children. My teenage age daughter stay locked in her room anytime the little girl is over. When I tried to explain this my SO just took it as an attack on his parenting skills. He's asking me to "work" through this and stay by his side during his hard times. He's not understanding the bigger picture. He is taking her to therapy but to be honest I dont see her changing and/or it could take years. If he can't see how she has him wrapped around her finger now I only see it all getting worse. I can't live with her for 2 days every other weekend I can't imagine having her in my home everyday (he's currently fighting for full custody of her). I feel stuck because I truly love him but I can't stand his daughter.
Honestly, I don't think this is the man for you.
Honestly, I don't think this is the man for you. His daughter seems to have lots of issues and he does not seem to be equipped to deal with them. It should not be up to you to be "stern" with her, he should be parenting his own child. A huge red flag is the fact that he is sleeping with her, that rarely ends well.
If you want to keep him in your life, maintain separate households and just date.
She's talking about adults
She's talking about adults preying on children and he sleeps with her. He is not making good decisions. This girl will be a problem for life, but worse, SO will be a problem in how he deals with her.
It is okay for you to
It is okay for you to stipulate that he cannot pursue full custody and remain in a relationship with you.
Yes, there is always the chance that your SO's failed family X passes away, or goes to prison, or becomes chronically homeless, or, or, or, or, or. And your failed family prior breeder mate has the kid put on them and on you full time. In those cases, the discussion between the SOs is far different than the discussion you are faced with in having to confront your SOs voluntary effort to gain full custody.
Just be upfront and tell him that you will not sign up for him being your life partner if he pursues full custody.
There is nothing wrong with you stipulating that in your relationship and make that a hill to die on to defend you living your best life.
His being a baby and getting all butt hurt and offended with his fabricated position that his parenting is being insulted is a huge red flag. If he is worthy of being your equity life partner, and IMHO he clearly is not, he needs clarity that you and the relationship are the priority and his failed family progeny, and your own children, are not the priority. Minor children are the top adult responsibility in a marriage, they are not the priority. Priority and responsibility, are two very different but related things.
IMHO and most importantly, equity life partners are also equity parents to any children in their home/marriage regardless of kid biology. If you are incable of that and he is so self delusional as not to recognize it, don't waste your time.
Take care of you.
Love is not enough.. is very
Love is not enough.. is very very true in steplife.
Look... his daughter appears that she has not been raised too well.. and that she is attention seeking.. probably in part because she is vying for attention at both homes.
But.. your SO is not a great father.. because the way he is handling this isn't working. I mean.. the girl IS only SIX years old.. and not every kid is perfectly on the same development timeline.. but he seems to be doing little to improve her behaviors.. I mean.. her table manners? like why is this not something he is trying to work on? Sleeping with his daughter?
You have a son that is YOUR primary responsibility to ensure has a safe and stable home.. for your partner's faults in being a poor father.. the fact that he is obligated to BE a father to this child and take care of her for the next 12 years minimum.. means that he is not really available.. as much as he would selfishly like to have a relationship with you.. he has obligations to his child.. like you have to your child.. and right now.. what you two want matters less than what your kids need.. and that's a tough pill to swallow I know.
I agree with Rags assessment.. if you take him.. you know how his daughter is heading.. you are accepting THAT as well.. and if you can't.. then he is not the right one for you.
If you marry this man, you
If you marry this man, you are one major illness, fatility or some other kind of dire situation away from living with your SD full time. You can try to tell your SO that you will not marry him or that you'll leave if he goes for full custody but something to think about is if he doesn't get a choice if BM either decides to dump your SD on your SO, gets seriously ill or dies.
Your SO is a piss poor parent. He's a Disneland Dad. The prognosis for Disneyland Dad Syndrom is slim to none. Ask me how I know. The fact that your SO wants to put his DD into therapy and think that that's the solution is concerning because I get the impression that he'd rather have her changed through therapy than through parenting her. Yes, she could use therapy but the purpose of therapy isn't to get her to change or to replace parenting. Any therapy will be rendered useless without the parenting to support it. What that girl needs most is proper parenting. Girls raised by weak fathers are hell and get worse over time. Again, ask me how I know.
Run fast and fun far. This isn't fair to your teenager to have to hide out in her room to escape a child who is so disruptive at what? 7? Can you imagine how much worse she'll be later on? As a mum of a DDstb24, the teen years fly by. I recommend tossing this guy back, or at least living separately (do you live with him?) or at least making sure you and your kids are in separate homes during your SO's custody time. I recommend enjoying time with your DD as she'll be 24 before you know it. She might even develop resentment towards you for putting her in such an untenable situation. Insead have fun planning her prom dress and all those milestones that mothers and daughters should share.
Your SO is acting like a victim when he says that he wants you to stand by him in difficult times. Well, fine, stand by him and support him but there's a very hard lesson I learned in my own situation. It took YEARS for me to figure it out. I'll tell you now so hopefully you don't spend years suffering and incurring more and more damage. The lesson is that there's a difference between standing by someone and supporting someone and being a sucker who is enabling a dynamic that hurts you. Don't look at any guilt trips your SO says or even his words. Do his actions match his words? Is he taking any responsibility for HIS role in how his DD is? Is he signed up for parenting classes? Or even therapy to learn how to parent his child? What is he actually doing? If he's just buying time with you and standing by hoping and waiting for his DD to "finally figure out that she's loved," or "with enough love and time she'll change," then run. These Disneyland Dads are notorious for laying guilt trips on SMs and buying time. They say things to the SM making her second guess herself and viola! Dear old weakass Dad doesn't get dumped by SM yet. Don't fall for it.
Your SD won't change. Oh, well, actually she will. For the worse. Do not make the mistake of counting down to 18. Disney parented SKs with major issues do not meet milestones when their peers do. They don't get friends or boyfriends or girlfriends when their peers do so you can't count on these kids to be out of the house playing with friends to give you a break. The fewer friends they have, the more they remain rammed up their parent's ass. They don't function well in the world starting with school, they don't pass their grades, they don't get jobs, they don't do chores, and they certainly don't launch when their peers do if ever. Go read the Adult Stepchildren forum and you'll see SKs who are in their 30s, even 40s and above who have never dated, launched or held jobs. These kid are like that because it stems from their parents' issues. Unless your SO goes for therapy for himself to heal himself and get to the bottom of why he's too chicken to parent his child, things will only get worse. You can also ask me how I know that one. LOL
Anyway, go enjoy life with your kids. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids. Staying in the same house as your SO and his spawn will only damage your kids, you and drive a wedge beween you and your kids.
Thank you all for your input
Thank you all for your input it has all been very helpful. The more we speak the clearer it becomes that he's not understanding the magnitude of the situation. He thinks just because he found her a therapist and finally communicated with the mom that she will be "fixed". We do not live together thankfully, he was just staying over most nights except the nights he was with his daughter. She wont sleep in her own room that he still has to fix up for her in his moms apartment downstairs because she's "scared" so theyve been sleeping on his pull out couch in his small apartment that is in the basement of his moms home. I feel he's very much "doing all the right things" so that I'll stay but everything I'm saying including suggesting therapy for him is going right over his head. Prior to this I was in an abusive relationship for almost half my life and I just dont have it in me to wait for him to see the issues or put my kids and myself in a similar situation with his evil twin ugh it truly sucks because I thought he was the one we literally havent had not one issue between us and my kids do like him for the most part but this is a huge dealbreaker it feels like a snowball that just spun out of control
Without sounding judgemental,
Without sounding judgemental, your bf sounds like he is attempting to "slot" you into the mother/parental role almost immediately upon meeting you.
Introducing you to her so early is a red flag, using you like his personal therapist, expecting to be around you/stay with you during his weekend visitation, failing to address sd behavioural issues consistently, indulging sd's insecurities and or jealousy (which in my experience tends to escalate them).
Your bf isn't *doing* many actionable changes. Just saying things to placate you. If you look at his behaviour he is putting his comfort first (including how he swiftly integrated his daughter in your life) because its what *he* wants, what he feels and minimal work.
What he is failing to understand is parenting is hard work, it's relentless, it's frustrating and it involves sacrifice.