Step-step kids and biological kids
Hi all, am coming here to see if I am alone in my feelings... it's a complex one.
me and my BF have been together for 5 years. We live together. My 12 year old daughter lives with us. His 2 youngest children (from his marriage) come and stay every other weekend (holidays and lots of other time) he has an older 22 year old daughter from another relationship,she visits ad hoc... we all get on very well, they are great girls. Middle daughter is not my BF's biological daughter, he brought her up from age 3... she still sees her Dad too (irregularly) but she calls my BF dad and they are very very close, it's a great situation and I admire him. She is a lovely girl. She is 16 soon and she looks a spitting image of her Mum, which at times I find quite hard (his ex wasn't nice to me at all and has never made an effort to meet me or anything even though I do a huge amount for her kids - but hey ho, that's her problem) particularly when people say “god you are like your mum” etc. When I met my BF he had been in his step daughters life for 7 years, she has taken his surname, his parents have called her their grandchild since she was about 4, they adore her, used to look after her, have her stay with them alone, take her on big paid family holidays, they have a saving account for her which they invest £100 a month in for her (they do it for all grandkids) which is amazing, they are a lovely, lovely family. They have now known my daughter for 5 years and sadly it's completely different - my daughter is just “my daughter” and although they are honestly nothing short of lovely to her it's very, very different. I understand that me and BF aren't married and my daughter has a great relationship with her dad but me and BF have been together as long as they were married... sometimes it just hurts me a bit and I wonder why my daughter isnt seen as the same, they don’t treat her meanly and under “normal” circumstances I wouldn’t even notice or want anything else but I now have a point of comparison I guess... but my BF doesn't understand, he says “it's different” and just basically says he doesn’t get it at all - I don't want to make a fuss but it plays on my mind and sometimes simply hurts my feelings. I have to be careful as it may seem like I am criticising and I am not but I just thought he would understand, it makes me feel like an outsider at times and sometimes I think maybe that there is something underlying.... (I don’t actually think this when I am being rational but what if there is...?..) my BF even sees and speaks to his youngest two more than his older daughter and sees them all the time, which although is great I have tried to tell him that his relationship with his kids and step kids isn't always equal but he refuses to see it. His oldest daughter and I get on very well and she once told me that she felt second best to the two younger ones, when I first met her she was 17 and had stopped coming to stay with him regularly a few years before because (her words) “the younger ones were more important”. I have tried to tell him this in a non confrontational way to assist and he just flat out refuses to see it. Don't get me wrong he is a great dad and provides and puts up with us 5 girls (and our hormones) so well but he just will not see this. His daughters all love him and there is no issue but it is there for me. My daughter did say the other day that she will never matter to him like they do... and it’s true... but how come his middle daughter is “his” ? Am I over thinking this... why does it affect me so much?
it's starting to really affect me as it's a "thing" now, it's probably never going to change but just him understanding that sometimes it's hard because I am only human would help. He is a great guy but this is just putting a wedge in, it's my problem but I would welcome info if anyone has had similar situations...
What do you think? Am I crazy or a meany?
I think this is more
I think this is more complicated than "everyone should be treated equally". In general, I don't believe grandparents are obligated to treat their step-grandkids the same as bio grandkids. In this case I know the one kid was a stepkid, but it appears he raised her as his bio daughter. And since he had his own child with the same mother as his SD, they may have just included the SD in as a granddaughter so that it wasn't such an obvious difference in how they were treated. I'm sure they expected and hoped that he would stay with BM long-term, and may have not felt okay about changing their relationship with his SD when the divorce happened, ie stopping the monthly payments or not seeing her anymore would likely have been devastating to her.
That was kind of them- but it doesn't obligate them to treat the children of any woman he is with after the same way. And they may be old-fashioned and think marriage is important in viewing stepgrands as their own. So while they should be kind to your daughter, they don't owe her the exact same treatment as they are giving the other two, who they have a different relationship with. Same for your SO - he won't likely treat your daughter the same way he treats the other two, who he views as his own children, even if one isn't.
As for the older one, she's an adult, if she has issues with her father, she needs to take them up with him herself, don't get involved. Without more info it's hard to know if he treated the younger two differently or if that was just her perception, which is not an uncommon one for children of divorce whose father goes on to have more children with another woman. Maybe older SD wasn't allowed to visit much by her BM. Maybe SO DID fail her and pay more attention to the younger ones. But either way, that's not your issue to get involved in.
So essentially - explain to your daughter that the relationships are different and she shouldn't expect equal treatment. That SO loves those two as his own kids because he raised SD from such a young age, and the love for a stepkid is different (if it's even there).
Steplife is complicated. Is
Steplife is complicated. Is he kind to your daughter? To expect anything more is unfair to your DH. Not everyone has the same relationships even in intact families.
Some kids are more affectionate and needy, some are more independent. It doesn't mean you care less for one child over another, it's just means you interact with them differently.
Parents find it easier to interact with the child who shares similar personality characteristics. They may have more difficulty finding common ground with a child who doesn't. It doesn't mean they don't care.
I do care about YSD, but she has the same personality as my SO did when he was her age. I found him annoying back then and would never have considered dating him. But I love who he grew up to be. I also don't have any common ground with her. Her interests are completely different from mine and she is not interested in trying anything new.
You are not crazy or a meany!
You are not crazy or a meany! All of this is incredibly complicated, and I personally believe feelings are always valid even if they aren't always true. In general, I think it's normal that SP's don't love their skids the same as bio kids. I think it's a different bond and can be celebrated as a different kind of bond. Then it's unique! And I think that's pretty cool. But having another child who isn't biologically related being treated the same as bio kids could certainly feel more complicated. But a couple thoughts:
1) you mentioned your daughter has a relationship with her bio dad. That doesn't mean that it won't still hurt her sometimes to see how close your partner is to his own kids, but he isn't her sole father figure. Whereas the daughter he adopted or at least gave his name to, it sounds like there's no bio dad in the picture and he's the dad in her life.
2) bonding ages. I don't know how much time he spent with the eldest on visitation or the deal with that bio mom but i think sometimes step bonds look different based on what age(s) the bonus adult shows up. That may be part of it.
but you aren't crazy or mean! It's understandable how you feel, but it's also understandable why it might be different for him and his parents. But I also think that our culture has very limited ideas of what family looks like and how each of those bonds is supposed to feel. If these relationships can be seen as different and unique bonds, I think that can be celebrated. Rather than plugging in pre-prescribed roles, you will get more choice in determining what those bonds look like. And I hope in the end it ends up benefiting all of you.
Equal?
No parent relationship with different kids is equal. And it shouldn't be. Kids are individuals and have different needs regarding their relationship with their parent(s).
My parents struggled with this concept for a number of years. They bent over backwards to parent between my brother and I "equally". They had always been cognizant of our age difference (6yrs) and being clear that I had already had my turn at my brother's age and would not be allowed to interfere in his turn. Just as he would not be allowed to interfere in the age I was. He would have his turn. Though they made this clear, they also struggled with balancing gifts, etc, etc, etc.... It was my younger brother who gave them clarity on this and asked them to stop giving us identifiable gifts. So... they did. Parenting is not a balance sheet exercise. It is a kid by kid basis thing.
IMHO of course.
As for GP's and their acceptance or rejection of Skids, that is IMHO in large part the result of how the GPs own children accept their Skids.
My SS-28 is my parent's eldest GK. They met him a couple of months before my niece was born when SS was ~17mos old. He is not their first GK, but he his their eldest GK. Anyone who told my parents that SS is not their grandson would find that choice to be a severe mistake.
I am sorry your mate struggles with understanding your perspective.
Good luck.
Maybe it's because he was
Maybe it's because he was married to the BM that the grandparents are different about it. Older people tend to value marriage more than the younger generation. Or, maybe they still have a relationship with BM and there's no room for a new person. Maybe since your BF has 2 bios, 1 step, and 2 BMs already, they are just done and can't get excited about a new person. Idk. Could be anything.
But, the main thing is that since they don't look at you and your daughter as family on the same level as his bios and his first stepdaughter, you (and her BD) will have to look out for her future financial welfare. Those other kids have this account but yours won't. Keep that in mind when making decisions. Your financial decisions for her will be different than his for his previous sets. He may take for granted that his kids will be provided for, but you can't.