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Stay or Leave? Please don't judge. Just being completely honest.

blnded_misery's picture

I have been with my current girlfriend now for almost 2 1/2 years. I am now living in my own apartment due to the issues that we had living together. My girlfriend is 7 years older than I am and has 2 daughters. When we first hooked up, I was 22 (currently 25) and she was 29 (currently 32). I met her in the military and we connected instantly but did not hook up til months down the road. At the time, I was a bit naive and did not consider what it would be like to date someone with children and live in the same household, etc. I was so caught up in just wanting to be with her. She was everything I had ever wanted, loving, kind, smart and ambitious. After a few months of being in a relationship, we decided to get our own place. About 2 months in, I begin to see what it was REALLY like being sort of like a step-parent. We both had recently separated from the military and since she spent a lot of time being way from her daughters over the years due to being a single parent and traveling with no help, she saw this as an opportunity to make up for lost time and I was stuck in the middle feeling lonely as ever. We had moved to a new city and did not have any family or friends to watch the kids so there went out alone time. Everything we did for the next 3-4 months were ALL about the kids and this drove me insane. I was bored out of my mind and began to feel that I had given my life up for someone else and their children. On top of this, I began to see that her kids were spoiled rotten. Anything they wanted they got, with little appreciation for anything. They did not listen and lacked MAJOR discipline. There were many times that I did not even want to go out in public because I was embarrassed by the fact that she did not have adequate control of her kids. We struggled for months because of the same issues, undisciplined kids, her primary focus on them and not taking time out for us til I got to the point where I was looking to get my own place. I told her and she broke down and begged me stay and said she would work harder to alleviate many of the issues we were having. I accepted this because she was a really good person and if it weren't for her kids our relationship would be much better so I hoped that she could fix it. Things got better for a while and we ended up staying together and moving to a new place and about 5-6 months in things were back to the way they were. Only now the kids had gotten older and smarter and knew how to manipulate their mom into feeling guilty about disciplining them and spending time with me. After being pushed to the max I finally decided to get my own place after the lease was up since she could not afford the bills without me contributing, being a single parent and all. Don't get me wrong she worked hard and even made more than I did. The last few months went by slow and everything just pushed me further and further to the edge to the point that after putting up with everything I was a completely different person. I can see that I've started to complain a lot, feel less happy about where I am in life, and just become a negative person overall to where little things around the house upset me. After the lease was up, I stuck to my word and got my own place which lifted A WHOLE LOT of stress off of me. I could go home everyday and not have to worry about having to take care of her rebellious kids, get upset because they never did the things we told them and they very RARELY got whippings for it. I don't think children need to be whipped for everything but once you implement other punishments and they are ineffective, it's time to try something new. We tried taking away things, making them read, write and tons of other things but they just did not work. It just really depends on the child. The oldest one(9) we could raise our voice and she was back on the right track, but it was not so easy for the youngest child (8). But back me having my own place, things have just been much much better. Now that I have my own place, it really turns me off to think about moving back in with my girlfriend in the future. For one, I am a pretty neat person and neither her or the children are organized. Things are usually all over the place and areas that are really important to me to keep clean are hardly cleaned at her house i.e. the bathrooms and kitchen. Also she has gained about 30 pounds since we first got together which has led to me not really being attracted to her sexually. I think its all of these things that play a part in it. I feel that I am young and if we were to take things to another level right now I will feel that I am settling. I am not truly happy even though she loves me to death and will do ANYTHING for me. There's just several factors that are keeping me from moving any further in our relationship. I really think I have continued to put up with this because I don't have any family here (7 hours away) and only a friend or two that I am not really close with due to my busy schedule. I'm torn between staying with her because she truly is a good person or leaving, but I am not sure I am ready to be with her long term due to our past difficulties. I also feel that I may not find anyone who possess her qualities and the love that she has for me. Her kids kind of turn me off when it comes to our relationship on top of the other things just because everything that we have been through. I would like to hear what you guys have to say. Please save the negativity. I have enough of that in my life. Thanks for taking the time to read by the way. I really do appreciate all feedback.

Couldbeworse's picture

No where in your post did you say you love this woman. All I saw while reading it were the reasons you don't want to stay with her. I think your mind is made up and I say GO WITH IT!!! You KNOW what you need to do. It's obvious in your letter. Get away now while the getting's good. You are young and will meet many women. This situation will only get worse when the kids become teenagers. Cut your losses and get out now!!!!

uofarkchick's picture

No judgement here, my friend. She pulled a bait and switch. Presented herself one way and switched once she thought you were hooked. I have the feeling a lot of the ladies here married men that fell for this kind of thing with their first wives. You can't say you didn't try. You are young and there are so many wonderful women out there with no children that would love to build a life with a man of integrity.