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Distressed dad's picture

New member, first post.  Let’s see where it goes..

I was widowed in 2009 and remarried in 2014.  I was good friends with my new wife well before either of us married the first time; we even flirted with dating but never did.  After my wife died she became a great shoulder to cry on (yes, men cry) and a solid support.  She was recently divorced and had a daughter the same age as mine.  We began to date, which in hindsight was not wise as it was far too soon after the death.  Since being married, things haven’t blended as I’d hoped, which I hear isn’t uncommon, but I’m starting to consider divorce.  My wife has become a very “my way or the highway” person who will not change her mind on any subject.  My daughter needed stability in her life and the longer we’re married the more instability there seems to be.  My daughter is a very nice, quiet person who has suffered greatly from the loss of her mother and brother.  She’s been in ongoing counseling, which has helped.  My wife constantly complains about the cost of counseling and says my daughter is making this stuff up to get preferential treatment.  Meanwhile, my wife treats her own daughter  badly and yells and b’tches at her nearly every day.  Most of it chore related but not all.  Then she turns around and gets her whatever she wants.  Mine does her chores and has been awarded high honors at school.  She’s a good kid (yes she’s mine and I’m biased).  My wife will start barking at me in bed about how her daughter complains that I never yell at mine while she gets yelled at all the time.  She (wife) actually wants me to search for things to yell at my daughter about so her kid doesn’t feel so bad.  This is an every other week occurrence easily. These are just a portion of this marriages issues.  My daughter actually came to me and said she wishes it was just her and me again.  What the heck do I do???  I was hoping for a good result with stability and a sense of normalcy for my kid.  Starting to think it was a big mistake. 

STaround's picture

If you had posted as a SM, you would have been advised differently.  It is wrong for your wife to suggest you need to search for things to yell at your DD for.   If your DD were doing anything to deserve being yelled at, she could name the things. She apparenlty can not.  

Your wife should not be determining where your DD goes to HS.  Of course your DD does not want her around if your new wife wants to limit where she goes to school.

Get out now, before alimony etc becomes more expensive. 

Distressed dad's picture

This is no “typical poor parent who thinks their kid is an angel” situation.  Her coming to me has been after a long time of feeling lost and ignored by my wife.  I’ve watched this happen and have encouraged her to give it a chance, to baby step the new life.  Her mother can’t be replaced and I’ve talked about this with her.  Someone she can trust and grow to be fond of is the goal and my daughter and I have had those talks.  Every single person, young or old, is different and has their own needs.  Compassion does not equal being gullible.  

beebeel's picture

Your wife sounds cold and angry. I wouldn't want to put my kid through that after everything she's already faced.

tog redux's picture

I think you need to stand up to your wife more, while not empowering your daughter to think she's an equal to your wife, which can be tricky. She wants you to find things to yell at your daughter about? WTF? She wants to choose the high school for both of them?  I don't get why her kid couldn't go to the regular high school and yours to the Christian HS? Why do they have to do everything the same?

Tell your wife your daughter will remain in therapy until you believe she doesn't need it and the case is closed. Don't be passive in the hope of helping create "stability".  Stand up for what you think is best for your daughter.

Seems like some kind of marriage counseling is in order.

ndc's picture

Out of curiosity, what's the income split in your household? Two of the issues (cost of counseling and cost of private school) sound at least partially financial. Is there a financial component involved here?

Distressed dad's picture

We do pretty well, I make about 2/3 of what she does.  Same bank accounts and all that.  Yes some of it is financial based, it’s along the line of do we go to Florida for spring break or not?  Private h.s. would make that a no.  We’ve been paying counseling just fine, I think it was more of a mean statement by her.  

GoingWicked's picture

I don’t think it’s fair to expect your wife to fork over money for your daughter.  If you want your daughter to go to counciling or a Christian school, you should be footing the bill (without expecting her to take over other expenses), and if you are footing the bill, she should have no say.  Also, she should be free to take her kid to FL, if you can’t afford to go.

Also, she shouldn’t have any control over how you discipline your daughter.  That being said, I have a SD that is quiet and gets good grades, but it certainly doesn’t make her a nice person.

STaround's picture

Which on ST is generally only recommended when women earn more (and we do not know if the SD gets SS or the DD gets CS)..  And the wife can do half the housework, which she does not do now.  We do not know if etither owns the house they live in

GoingWicked's picture

I don’t think many people on here recommend financially supporting a stepchild regardless of the income or gender of the stepparent.  This is not her daughter.  If dad wants his kid to have more than he can afford, he needs to get a second job.

STaround's picture

How many times do people post here that all marital funds should be shared.  That it is fine for SM to be SAHM.   He can also cut out other expenses, and like I said, tell her to do half of the housework.

GoingWicked's picture

Usually when SM is a SAHM, it’s temporary because she is at home taking care of joint young kids that both parents have input on.  I firmly believe If she has other kids she should be working, or at least collecting CS to support them.  Also, big financial decisions like this should be agreed upon by both parents anyway.  It’s definitely not a stepparent’s responsibility to fund another person’s child.  She doesn’t want to fund his daughter’s counseling... and honestly the kids mom has been dead for 10 years, I’d be questioning it too.  Sorry, but if the kid still needs counciling after 10 years to live normally I don’t think this kid is all sunshine and rainbows to be around like dad is suggesting.

Distressed dad's picture

So you feel counseling isn’t effective?  Here’s the deal... her mom died when she was 6 and all that was needed was some short term grief counseling to help her understand what had happened and how life was going to be.  I had tremendous support from family.  Her brother was 12 when she died.  He did not react well and struggles for the rest of his life, which included a year in jail.  He shot himself 3 yrs ago.  THAT was the catalyst for her counseling which has only been going on now for about 6 months.  I have not included all this in this forum because honestly I didn’t even think about it.  Maybe this will add some context before judgement is made. 

JazzyJ22's picture

She should very well have control over dicipline... we often ignore and let our children bully and disrespect step parents and that is not the case... no spanking should be allowed... but I am allowed to put a child in MY house in place when they get out of line if their father is not around. I will not take disrespect just because I didn't birth and expecially since my Money goes to dinners, movies, and having fun, birthday gifts... no I will never marry a man that will allow his kids to treat me any type of way and when I put them in their place try to tell me im wrong for it... if thats the case then don't have nobody raise your kid by yourself and NOT in my house.

StrawberryPie's picture

Sorry you and your daughter are going through this.  And welcome to the site!

As for your daughters HS - this is your call on what is best for your daughter.  She made the call on what's best for her daughter.  Even kids in families w mom and dad living together assess each kid separately and do what's best for each kid.  

And it would probably be helpful to get some marriage counseling and address her controlling behavior.

Rags's picture

Read your post from the perspective of someone asked to give advice on it.  So, what would you advise that person to do if y ou were reading it for the first time rather the one experiencing the situation?

You know the answer.  It is a difficult decision but you know what you have to do and what is best for your daughter and yourself.

Move on.  Do not continue to expose  yourself and your daughter to this toxic woman and her failures as a parent.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your wife and  your son.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

16 year old bio kids and step kids are difficult to live with, it could be that your wife is struggling with it. We all look at our bio kids through rose tinted specs. 

hereiam's picture

It sounds like you really didn't know this woman like you thought you did, she must've put up a pretty good front for awhile.

She wants you to yell at your daughter so that she can be justified in yelling at hers? That is messed up. She seems to berate everyone in her life, including you and your daughter.

This situation doesn't sound like stability for EITHER of of you.

She sounds awful as a wife, mother, and step mother.

 

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

I can see familiarity with my own past situation in this post. I was widowed in 2009 when my son was 4 years old. I remarried in early 2016, but have since divorced my (then) husband in June 2018. We were de facto seperated as of end December 2017.

The reason I divorced my husband was as a result of his own shoddy parenting and manufactured claims about my son. They bordered on the ridiculous. His son,  who lived,  with us was out of control and I could no longer stand to have a bad influence and permissive parent who made excuses for  their own kid around mine. The atmosphere in the house soured to the point where the best thing I could was admit my marriage was a mistake and get out of it.    

I would not tolerate your wife's behaviour around my son. I would not tolerate her shouting and bad example towards her own child, as well as the inconsistency where she rewards here own child for poor grades. I don't care if it is her kid, she is not parenting in any effective way. She comes across as a crap parent even if I only have your word on what is going on. Antagonising you to reprimand your child so that hers doesn't feel bad is a sign of mentally deficient bully who would rather modify your behaviour than correct her own. Why put up with this?

As to counselling, my own son, who is now 14, still periodically need counselling for issues that stem from the death of his father or has roots tied to it. It is not a process with a defined start and end point. As a parent, all I can advise you to do is make  the best decision you can in the interest of your daughter - and your own mental wellness and moral compass -  because your wife sounds like no prize to me. 

BTW since getting divorced, my ex husband has taken his same dysfunction elsewhere. My household is fine and happy. I even have his son living with me who turned out to be a decent kid without his Dad around. SS19 has successfully completed his first year of university and will be on a short introductory internship in August with a premier league football club as support staff because he has been awarded a full scholarship and offer of employment when he completes his degree. No thanks to Daddy-dearest who was happy to see his son drunk. whoring around and smoking pot...

Don't make excuses. If it is bad, just get out. You don't need crap from anyone, least of all your wife.

Rags's picture

Thanks for sharing  your courage and the positive outcome for you, your son and your SS.

Living well is always the greatest revenge when purging a toxic X from your life.

QTsmum's picture

I've been thinking about your post since I read it this morning. I find it really interesting because it's mostly frustrated step moms looking for advice, not Boi dads looking for advice on the step mom.  I've wanted to respond but had to think for a while.

Firstly, your daughter should go to the school YOU want her to go to.  (If you can afford it). To me, that's not even debateable.  My boys go to a private school and SS does not.  If my DH suggested otherwise, I would laugh in his face.  It's simply not his choice.

As for the issues with Step mom...  I find it really difficult.  I KNOW my DH could write a post that would make me sound like the devil.  The kids in my house are all younger (10, 7 and SS 6), but I can relate to some of the things.

DH would say I'm mean to his son.  I leave him out.  I don't speak to him.  I'm nicer to my own boys.  on and on and on for sure.

My side - His son's behaviour is poor.  The discipline is non-existent.  I see things in front of my face that I would rip my kids apart for, and DH does nothing.  When I am around and maxed out on watching this, I nag nag nag and I much prefer to do things without him around because I refuse to be miserable the entire day, because my kids feel that too.  I hate inititiating conversation with him because it DOES. NOT. END.  He has no boundaries or social sense to ever stop talking.  I end up having to ask him to go find something quiet to do (mid-sentence) or leave a room, which makes me look like and feel like a complete A-hole.  My boys have been disciplined consistently since very young, so they are well behaved for the most part.  I simply don't need to discipline them as much now because they known the rules.  So it certainly looks like I am nicer to my own when they simply just have better behaviour.  DH also doesn't see things.  I think in general, MEN don't see things like women do.  The pair of socks that have been sitting in the corner of the livingroom for 3 weeks?  The garbage left on the table?  The toys on the floor?   The dishes that don't get rinsed out?  Men don't feel that like women do and I think in general we despise nagging about it, so it builds up and resentment lies beneath until we explode.  

SS has been accused of taking stuff that ended up being found in my own child's space.  With that being said my DS was spoken to about not accusing someone without evidence, BUT SS has been known to take my boy's things and hide them in his room.  It gets under my skin, a lot.  

What I'm getting at is that there may be things that you just simply have missed.  Having read a little about the background (I didn't read every post), perhaps your wife, having gone through a loss at a young age, feels like your daugther is dragging the grief out to get her way.  I'm not saying that she IS at all (I'm sorry you all have had to go through what you have) but with your wife being able to relate to the loss and her having to suck it up and be strong to survive, I'd imagine she has the same expectation for your daughter and is frustrated that she hasn't been able to do so yet.  Perhaps she feels like your daughter is coddled (again, not saying she is, but she may feel that way based on her own past).  I know feeling like my SS is coddled from multiple sources is one of the things that gets under my skin the most and honestly makes me feel like his Dad NEEDS to be harder on him, and I get so frustrated to sit and watch.  

 

Can your wife make a list of things that her kids do (and get nagged at for) that she sees that your daughter does and doesn't get nagged at for?  Or is she literally asking you to make things up?   (because THAT is an issue).  I know I give my boys shit for something and then we all sit and watch SS do the same with no consequence.  "Not my kid, not my problem" is the mantra I've had to use.  I've had to apologize to my own boys before, for having them watch something I'd never let happen and tell them he's not my child so it's not my rules (like a giant junk drink going in a backpack to camp when we have a "juice once a day" rule in the house and my boys have packed water.

 

Just another perspective.  A blended family is the HARDEST (and perhaps dumbest!) thing I have ever done.  

Rags's picture

What about this woman is even remotely redeeming to retain her as your wife?

She badgers her own daughter, she wants you to yell at your daugter so her daughter won't feel as badly about her own abuse of her own daughter.

Yep, you entered a rebound marriage driven by loss and grief.  You did not vet an equity life partner who is worthy of you and who can be an example of a quality wife and woman for your daughter.

Is this toxic woman worth sacrificing your life and your daughter's life to on the alter of second marriage martyrdom?

I think not.

Good luck. Take care of you and take care of your daughter.

Distressed dad's picture

Thanks everyone for your input.  I’ve waited to respond until some of this had died down, though it’s gotten worse.  I enrolled her at the private high school, on my own dime.  This is where she needed to be for her long term mental health and stability.  My wife hit the ceiling and has made this very personal and bitter.  We had numerous conversations about school and the girls and she was adamant every time that splitting them wasn’t an option.  I did it anyway and prepared for the fallout.  It has caused her daughter to have to find a ride to and from school.  Mine has her license and her own car, which I paid for.  SD is getting her license in Dec and her mom is buying her a car as well so the transportation issue is only short term, and I’ve searched and found rides for her from other fam’s at her school.  My wife barely acknowledges my daughter now, and when she does it’s short and snippy.  I understand her anger, I truly do, because I “split the fam”, but I don’t look at it that way.  The best interest of our children, within reason, is highly important and we should try our best to do so.  An earlier post said that our marriage is our top priority and our bio kid is my top responsibility.  I agree and have since, with my wife’s ok, enrolled us in marital counseling to help.  I do not want my marriage to end and I’m hoping for positive results.  We’ve decided to spilt our bank accounts and each pay for our own respective expenses, and contribute equally to the household ones.  It’s been ugly, but I appreciate all of your input and have taken bits of your responses that apply and am trying to work them in.  Deep down I don’t have a lot of hope for this, but am trying each day to help smooth out the wrinkles.  I’m not groveling at her feet for forgiveness as that would imply I did something wrong, but I am also not ignoring her and treating her like crap.  Will add updates as they come, hopefully they’re good ones..

Rags's picture

It sounds as if you are finding common ground and working it out.

That is good to hear.

I hope this is the beginning of a long term parnership for both of you.  It also sounds as if the girls will have a good example of a respectful and successful partnership.

Good luck.