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Started disliking my husband’s kids/ how to deal with kids’ mom

castaway83's picture

I never wanted kids myself, didn't want to be a stepmom either, my husband always said you're free to do whatever you want, but he has to be a parent. We've been living together for a year now and somewhere along the way I started disliking his children. They are 8 and 6 now, boy and girl, they fight, they are spoiled and they don't listen. I don't have patience and I don't like to repeat myself 5,000 times. But main reason is the kids' mom. It's really bothering me that she keeps crossing lines. She treats my husband as her bff, tells him about her love life ect. He told her to stop, but she does not respect boundries. He keeps replying to her nonsense, which is pissing me off. He says if he does not respond it would escalate and he just wants to keep the peace, but how is it my fault that she would cause drama if he ignores her non kids related messages. It feels like I can never win, as she always has the trump card: if you don't do as I say, I'm taking away the kids.

oatsnhoney's picture

sounds like your main issue is your DH not BM. Who wants their spouse being buddy buddy with an ex? Nobody I know. I fought this battle early on. I told him you are not her handy man or buddy to vent to. I'm not ok with it. He said much the same.. I dont want to piss her off. I said I get that, but insisted. So he told her one day this is the last thing I'm fixing, after this you will have to call a handyman company. I also insisted he move her to email. Not text. Which he did. She is a loooooooong talker, and he would not end convo's. He would just sit there rolling his eyes. It could last longer than an hour. So he moved her to email at my insistance and also to protect himself since they were in negotiations with a new custody agreement. 8 years later and the phone calls are back. But now I dont care so much. I just go chill in my bedroom and watch a chick show. If he wants to use up his evening listening to her poor me monologues about her sons issues.. then go for it. I'm out.

For you, I would tell him the lack of boundaries with BM, and lack of consequenes with the skids are affecting you. You are becoming resentful and unhappy. Can he help you? 

Rags's picture

Buy your DH the book:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

He needs it.  He is so Codependent on his XW that he will ruin your marriage if he doesn't extricate his head from his butt.

IMHO of course.

Read it together.  That way you can point out his codependent crap when he does it and make it a team effort to fix.

Good luck.

castaway83's picture

It is really one sided, he does not help her, one time she called because she locked herself out of her car and he told her to call a locksmith. It's more inappropriate stuff like the last thing that pissed me off she says something like: My period pains are so bad I'm thinking about removing my ovaries. And for no reason whatsoever he thinks he needs to reply to end the conversation, so he says OK. That woman has no shame, she overshares everything.

Rags's picture

Read the book. It will enlighten you both on what is going on and how to work on fixing it.  Though she is the one that, from your and DH's perspective, is the problem.... more likely than not DH is just as much of the problem.

It is fixable but only with concerted effort and increased knowledge. At least from my experience.

oatsnhoney's picture

Then tell him let it go to voicemail, listen, and only respond to skid issues. Via email.

Regardless of his reasoning, that it bothers you should be enough for him to make adjustments.

castaway83's picture

We've been fighting about this for months, yes, it should be enough that it bothers me that he changes it, but he does not agree. He thinks I just want him to be mean to her and cause chaos. He says it's not my right to dictate on how he interacts with her. Like she had them on 12/31 and called on 1/1 early in the morning, we were still sleeping, I told him to just text her that he'll get the kids as agreed at noon, and instead he asks her when he should get them, she replied he has to call her, which he did, only so she can bitch at him.

Rags's picture

It is entirely your right and even your responsibility to control and even dictate what happens in your marriage and anything that will effect your family.  So.... grab him by the proverbial short and curlies and give him clarity. If you don't this it never changes.

Put together an action plan for each of hte issues you are struggling with regarding DH and his prior family and work the plan.  Change it as neccessary as you run into barriers.

Good luck.

tog redux's picture

"He says it's not my right to dictate on how he interacts with her."

He's right about this - set boundaries where it affects you (ie, he can't run out of a date night to go pick up the kids because BM asked him to), but otherwise, let him deal with her as he sees fit.

oatsnhoney's picture

Hmm then he may have to learn the hard way what csving to kids and BM gets him. Id join some things. So when they come you are busy doing fun things on your own. Gym, drinks with friends, weekend getaways. If he has a problem then I’d say, sorry, some things you do and don’t do in regards to skids and BM I just don’t agree with. I don’t want to fight you on it so I’ll leave you to it. 

Sgavilan's picture

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I can relate as I met my husband when I was young and had no clue what to expect with a divorced father. I also have no patience for other people's kids and go through the same struggles with SS8 (he is with his mum full time and us once a fortnight on sleepover). You are 100% right that it should be enough for him that it bothers you, to change. My advise however sour it might be, leave while you dont have kids together (things happen, whether you want kids or not), b/cause if you fall pregant you will feel obligated to stay. Leave now while you can and can still have some upper hand. Good luck.