SS & SD from 2 different marriages - double trouble
My husband has 2 kids from 2 different marriages and both of them behave very poorly. They are plain rude, can't even say 'please' or 'thank you', let alone acknowledging everything I do for them. The older son is 17 now and lives with us. It's a day-to-day struggle that can go really good and the next day really bad. The girl is 9 and is a little brat who thinks she's the Queen of the World. Thank God we only get her once a month for I have been developing an almost like allergy to the little girl. Even her squeaky voice demanding everything and bossing everyone around annoys me now. My husband behaves like a doormat near to them and it's useless to talk with him, since he thinks they're the best thing in the world.
I'm considering disengaging completely for I have tried every other possibility with zero results. He can go and pick her up on the weekend and have as much time as they want to one another. Has anyone ever tried this? What was the end result?
Give it a try. It may work for you.
Thouh I am generally not an advocate of disengagement. It reeks of abdication of a part of life to me and tolerance for toxic crap.
I practice the total confrontation and zero tolerance model with toxic people.
With the 17yo. "Your position as a resident in this home is on a day by day basis. Get your shit together or get gone. No more will XYZ and LMNOP be tolerated so those things end immediately. Don't test me. You will be gone.
With the 9yo. "You are choosing to be brat. Stop now or you will go to your room and stay in your room until I let you join the rest of the household. Do not do it again or you will find that going to your room will be the best part of your day. I will plant your nose in a corner and you will stay there until I get tired." Lather, rinse, repeat.
With DH. "This is not only your home, it is mine as well and I will not tolerate a mate who does not have the testicular confidence to be a successful father and mate. Your children are a detriment to this home and I will no longer let it go unconfronted. If you do not like how I will parent and discipline when you don't have the balls to do it then you had better step up and get it done before I have to." If he takes exception, let him know that he can move out with his son and visit with his daughter outside of the life he is supposed to be making with you and that you will not wait long for him to grow some balls and man up.
Hopefully clarity will be delivered to all three of them in a hurry so that the level of misery won't have to reach monumental proportions before they figure out that you are not playing with them.
Good luck.
Yes, disengage - set
Yes, disengage - set boundaries around what you need to, and let your DH know that you won't be doing a damn thing for either of them as long as they are so rude to you. Don't bother trying to be the heavy, you will just be labeled the meanie, and DH will rescue them from anything you try to do.
You already know the common denominator here is him - DH is the problem. Hopefully 17 is on his way out, and at least 9 only comes 1x/month.
I love the "Common denominator" speech.
It was one of my dad's favorites while I was growing up.
It is effective and fact based.
With SS17 I would not
With SS17 I would not disengage. That is your home and he is there the majority if not all the time. 17 is a crappy age. They are almost adults but not really. They certainly think they are yet can't really function without you. Time for tough love on that front. More responsibilities- not less for him. Start REALLY preping him for life outside of your home. Your DH needs to back you up here!!
SD is only there once a month... that is harder. I would probably disengage with her. Just have lots of plans and errands on that weekend so that your DH isn't expecting you and he can deal with her.