SS going from 50/50 to EOWeekend - how to tell bio kids
My husband has had his kids (14 and 12) 50/50 for almost a decade. Recently (the last year) they have become distant and mom has become overbearing - texting and calling them constantly, guilting them about having fun while with us, etc. My husband is very "hands off" - what happens at her house is out of our control so don't sweat it. She on the other hand grills them about our place and has an opinion about everything we do, so she has a lot of pull. We also have rules, routines, boundaries, expectations etc. She does not - they have Xboxes in their room, free reign of the house, junk food all day, etc. So they have decided they want to be there the majority of the time. We fought it in court, but when it comes down to it, even if we "win", we aren't realling winning if they don't want to be here, so we will acquiesce to every other weekend. My small sons (6, 9) worship their step brothers. They count down the days until they come to our house and spend every waking moment together. How do I tell my sons that their step brothers will be decreasing their time with us without breaking their hearts or making them feel like it is their fault? There has already been animosity voiced when the kids choose to sit with their moms at soccer games instead of us, etc. My first husband left my sons and I six years ago (one son was 3 months, one was 3 years) and hasn't seen them in over a year, so I worry about abandonment issues. This feels like more "family" who are supposed to love them unconditionally, tossing them aside. How to process? Thanks for the advice.
I'd relate it to growing up
I'd relate it to growing up and having different needs. You don't have to make it about them abandoning your house (not yet anyways) This is something your boys will need to understand as they grow up. Nothing stays the same. Who knows , it might make weekends they are there more bearable.
"Kids, I know you love having
"Kids, I know you love having your SBs here every other week, but now that they're getting older, they have more going on that makes it hard to come here as often. They'll still be coming EOWE, so you'll still get to spend the weekends with them!"
It's a bit of a white lie, but I think that's okay in this situation. BM has put your SSs in an unfair situation. It's going to be easier for them to just spend more time with BM than it is to CONSTANTLY have to give reports about their time and CONSTANTLY having to wonder if what they say is going to result in her being in a bad mood the entire time they're with her. She has won this battle, but at the expense of her kids (them either failing to emerge into adulthood or them resenting her for putting them in that position).
Just be careful that you don't blame your SKs for your BKs' hurt feelings. If you think your BKs will feel abandoned, then get them therapy. It's not the SKs' fault that your BKs don't have a relationship with their father. It's not the SKs' fault that their BM is being a pill. Your SKs are dealing with a different kind of unhealthy dynamic than your kids, but it's still unhealthy - and not their fault.
I'd soft pedal it
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Even if this PAS hadn't happened, at 12 and 14, the boys would soon be moving away in life. I'd just say they are staying with their mom more for awhile but will be there EOW. I realize you are concerned about abandonment issues but that's not the case here. Its a time for your little ones to learn that people come and go in life, it's something that just happens for whatever reason. Things change but are ok.
Tell them the truth.
Tell them the truth.
It is that simple.
It really isn't about "winning" or them wanting to be with you.
It is about adults not tolerating children to make adult decisions. There is a CO, they will follow the CO, BM will follow the CO or BM will get slapped with a contempt motion each and every time she fails to surrender the spawn as the CO stipulates.
End of discussion.
There is nothing here to win or lose. There is a legal governing court order that should take every deviation out of the realm of acceptability.
Roll up the CO and start smacking the Skids and the BM with it. Zero tolerance.
Keep it simple, pull the emotion out of it. It is much easier that way.
Keep in mind that neither a 14yo nor a 12yo have any clue what they want from one moment from the next. That is what adults/parents are for.
As for telling your BKs, if you and your SO choose to allow the shift to EOWE, just tell your BKs that their SSibs will be coming every other weekend. Put it on the calendar so your BKs can track.