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Spouses Ex giving me unsolicited parenting advice

frustratedNsm's picture

We are a blended family and have my step daughter (15) lives with us most the time and my two girls (12, 17) about 20% of the time. The step daughter is real rebellious as evidenced by her recent shop lifting arrest. Anyway she often is yelling at me "your not her father" and "stop trying to tell me what to do"...the other day I lost it and yelled back not to talk to me like one of her "little bitches." My bad but it's been boiling up and I turned to a language I thought she might understand.

Well a couple of days later I was with my wife picking up the step daughter and her father came up to the window of the car and started giving me parenting advice. Really! His two kids are both on probation for breaking the law and mine both are honor students or on the Principles List for straight A's. Anyway I didn't say anything and felt later like I should have said STFU but think that would escalate things.

Sorry for the long winded background but here's the question. What do I do now? Obviously this has set the stage for the step daughter to constantly be going to her father anytime there is a disagreement and that's not really going to work out to well.

Jsmom's picture

Been there...BM told DH when we started having all the problems with SDthen12, that I may need help with parenting her kids. My son is an honor student, Eagle Scout, never been a problem. SK's were a hot mess at the time. SS is better now, with a lot of work on DH's part and a boot up his ass half the time.

They made me question my parenting continuously, put me on anti-depressants and saw a therapist. Lightbulb moment was when the therapist said that none of this was my doing. I stepped back and stopped doing for SD and SS. Everything got better pretty quick.

I was angry for a year about this comment and others. When BS16 made Eagle. I has some issues with DH not being happy about it and supporting me. I went off on him one day after a comment that we were making too big a deal about his ceremony. Told him if he ever questioned my parenting again, I was done. My kid was great and his were wrecks that he and BM only had themselves to blame.

I would have said something to the Dad that he needs to look in the mirror at his parenting and see how it is working for him. As for SD, I would disengage. Worked wonders for me. SS and I have a good relationship now and SD15 has left the family and I intend to keep it that way.

I never questioned my parenting the entire time I was a widow raising my son alone not until DH and BM started to question me. Don't let anyone tell you anything your kids are fine. Theirs are not....enough said...

frustratedNsm's picture

Echo & BLM - Thank you so much I was beginning to think it was me feeling that those comments and the action of the SD were okay and it was just me.

BLM - I told both SD and the Spouses Ex (or in this case baggage that should have been lest on the curb with the rest of the trash) that I'm not trying to being her father or replace him but the whole I'll run and tell my father is sticking in my head so the advice "...However I will tell you what to do in my home. You are welcome to live elsewhere, do you need help packing? Then tell your wife that SD cannot be home alone with you since she is so disrespectful.Perhaps the wife will step up and help." is right on.

I love my wife but stuff like this makes me think how can I continue with this type of blended family relationship and the ton of baggage that wants to spill into our home. It was worst when her son lived with us...he had his GF sleep in his room the day after we all moved in together! :jawdrop:

frustratedNsm's picture

Great perspective! Why is it those type of parents are great at talking and catching the normally rationally thinking person off guard? I'd love to have some of the reponses given come out of my mouth at the time they are talking. }:)

frustratedNsm's picture

So this is the response I got from the wife when I posted the following on my facebook status:
If your two kids are both on probation for breaking the law don't you think parenting advice is the last thing you should be giving?

She sent me the following facebook message:
"Honestly, if you cannot parent his/my children the EXACT SAME WAY you do yours, you are just as much of a hypocrite."
Maybe I am doing something different that I'm not aware of? But to be honest my oldest D made the Principles List for Straight A's before we moved in together while at the same time her son was skipping out on school. And after moving in together the youngest made the Principles List for straight A's while her daughter was getting arrested for shop lifting. Maybe it's just me but I think the two of them have had more influence on why their kids are a mess than the limited amount of influence and time I've had...but maybe I am doing something different?

frustratedNsm's picture

Good point - how can the parenting be identical if they have different needs. Now my DW is being stand offish so I think you are on to something and my comments struck a nerve in that the kids are her's as well so the comments about parenting includes her as well.

The one thing I've noticed from day 1 is the lack of setting the boundries and most importantly being consistent with enforcing them as well as discipline for when they aren't being met.For example, after the arrest for shoplifting both the BF and DW put SD on restriction from text messaging, computer access and free time outside the home. This was to be for some period of time (I think 3 months) but within a month the SD boyfriend gave her a iPod that could allow her to send and receive e-mail....basically circumvent the restriction. I brought up the issue but it fell on deaf ears. That type of thing IMHO reinforced the belief that it's okay to find ways to circumvent the rules. So it should be no surprise that things like shoplifting occur. :?

So now how do I get her to see I'm not the enemy? She and I have discussed my belief that she is defensive when discussing parenting issues and we have never been on the same page with what works best...

frustratedNsm's picture

That could be the case but not sure DW can see the inconsistencies and the fact allowing them to exist embolden and justify their existence.

DW thinks her children are "Strong--Willed Children" and the conventional parenting approach does not work on them. So anything that has worked or works for my children do not apply and will not work for her's. This is something I don't get and have tried to understand but it's almost like saying they'll figure out the boundries on their own. I don't think that ever happens...but she uses her son as an example. After totalling his car, while driving under a DUI, he had to go without a DL or vehicle for almost 4 yrs. That was a tough lesson to learn and he is actually doing better. To me showing the boundries, enforcing the rules and putting forth heavy consequences is the way to ensure something like that never would happen. I think she honestly feels she is parenting the way you need to parent a Strong--Willed Child. Sad

frustratedNsm's picture

Exactly! Thanks for SOUND reasoning that isn't biased. Smile
The root cause for my problems could be trying to bring my SD into the family I've raised and tried unsuccesfully to do the same with her hoping (expecting) the same good results (good grades, respectful of others, good values). I'm really going to try my best to STOP parenting her and to expect that my DW will either pick up the ball or she should expect the same results as the SS (lost his DL to DUI, totaled his car, barely graduated HS).

frustratedNsm's picture

So how's this for hypocritical, I make BBQ dinner for my BD12, SD15 DW and I. Making steak for us and Chicken for the kids. We love our steak raw and thus the raw steak. DW asks SD if she wants a piece and cuts her a portion (never asking BD) so I ask my daughter if she wants so to that she says no. SD proceeds to complain about the meat being undercooked and DW microwaves both of their pieces of steak...WTH who is this person in my DW body? Then (since I'm not giving any direct parenting to the SD) I tell DW that the kids should clean up after dinner. So this is where SD, as usual, takes the path of least resistance (lazy) and puts the leftovers in a couple of pieces of tupperwear and cleans one bowl and says to DW can I be excused.

So I say to DW that the kids should do equal parts of the clean up (the whole time SD is trying to butt into the conversation never being corrected by DW). Of course DW lets SD be excused leaving a larger part of the clean up for my BD.

So which part should I consider as not being fair and equal? The cutting up and offering/giving steak to just SD while not offering any to BD until I mention to BD she could have a piece of mine? Or is it the allowing SD to get away with doing less clean up than BD? All of this coming on the heals of their normal chores (taking out the trash weekly) in which SD does the easiest part and merely takes out the recycling can to the street meaning DW has to round up the recycling in the house and do what SD didn't do...DW doesn't see how her behavior is reinforcing the poor behavior of her daughter! :sick: or how hypocritical it is to say I parent/treat them differently...isn't that what she just did? :?

NoDrama's picture

OK I was just going to keep standing back and watching you bury yourself. Know you know why I have been pretty much unable to stand the sight of you these past couple of weeks. I was also going to keep this response private but this last post above has put me over the edge.

I have been a member of this forum for over 2 years (yep been struggling with this very thing--the double standards and judgement on your part). You know I saw you lie on your little rant the day you posted it. Yep, you lied. You omitted information, exaggerated, and basically told the story to support the validation you think you deserve to hear. You flat out called her a BITCH -- twice. You did not say "don't talk to me like your bitch ass friends" and you $@#% well know it. You were embarassed the ex talked to you and you should have been. He didn't give you parenting advice, he asked you to please show some respect and not call her a bitch. And yes, he's not one to talk about respect, but since you are supposedly so much better than him, how come you are the one calling your SD a bitch? You know how many bullets I have taken for your inappropriate behavior to her in the past ? Quite a few. And I just have to pretty much stand there in take it. Because I'm trying to have a "united" front I have to stand up for you, as much as some of your explosive behavior toward her breaks my heart. Because I do this, she obviously goes to her father to get some sympathy because I am ripped in two when this happens and really don't know what to tell her. Yes her behavior may have been inappropriate - but no on ever deserves explosive anger or to be called names. And you ARE unfair. You talk to her in ways you never treat or talk to your own. I am seeing that deep inside you are a big &$%#@ coward. Especially seeing that you can go onto a forum for "validation" and not tell the whole truth. What kind of man is afraid to face the truth even within himself?

You are right...she should not have said what she said to you. As you recall and I tried to tell you--I had stepped out of the bedroom door when she snapped back at you and said "OK --geesh I'm ready to go." and I started to tell her to knock off the attitude, and you yelled over me. Then she said "you can't talk to me that way, you're not my dad." I went into her room (after you loudly announced that she was acting like a bitch a couple of times and she stormed away to her room) and told her that her responses were inappropriate and she has no right to talk to you that way. I considered telling her she couldn't go to the beach with us but actually making her go was more of a punishment--she was saying she didn't want to go now anyway.

Oh and btw...she does not "always" talk to you this way. You get the "your not my father" rant about once per year. Did you ever stop to think that when you talk to her disrespectfully to her, you may very well be talking to her like her Dad? I expect better from you--since you are apparently such a good parent and all to your own children. Oh and let me add one other thing...I have seen plenty of instances where your BD's get angry at you too...they will snap at you, mutter under their breath and storm away and slam their bedroom door. They walk away from it (lucky can pretend it doesn't happen). But not my BD, she'll face the confrontation. And IMO, neither behavior is respectful.. Please also be aware that I'm pretty sure that, if I spoke to your girls sometimes the way you do my BD, they would give me the "your not my mother" response too. But I won't do that. They don't deserve it. I feel it's best to treat them that I want my own daughter to be treated.

Now about the post above....Let's get this VERY clear OK.

I always try very hard to be fair but apparently I cannot do anything right in your eyes.

Yesterday I told A (my BD) to take out the trash. She took out the trash bag from the kitchen and replaced the bag. She took out the Recycling bin to the curb because it was in front of the gate (she said the trash bin wouldn't pass by until the recycling is out of the way). When M (your BD) came in to get the trash I told her that A had already taken out the inside trash and that's when M told me A had taken the Recycling to the curb. M said she would take the recycling from the house then, but I told her not to worry about it...I didn't want her to have to make a 2nd trip and carry the inside bin as it was totally overflowing. I did this as a favor for M (wow what a wicked stepmother). A had already made 2 trips and taken out 2 items. M had to make one trip.

Then dinner. WTF are you blind or do you make crap up in your head? M (your BD) had already gotten some chicken. You were tossing an entire steak on your plate, and A (my BD) and I had not even gotten to the meat yet and M was already walking to the table with her plate. You told M she could have steak too if she wanted. She said "that's OK.". I asked her..."do you want some steak?...I can cut you a piece" She said "no, it's OK" I cut a piece of steak off for A and one for myself and left a piece on the counter in case M changed her mind. A (my BD) DID NOT EVER MENTION THE STEAK WAS NOT COOKED ENOUGH (I had actually given her a part that was more cooked). What she did say was "you sorta cut me a fatty piece." Also I DID NOT MICROWAVE ANY OF HER MEAT. I microwaved my piece as part of it was not cooked enough--even for me (no need for you to be insulted by that btw, it was partially frozen when you cooked it--I know that and never once mentioned it to you as an issue). A's leftover meat, which you apparently did not notice, she gave to M to eat.

Regarding the clean up. Please explain how this is the path of least resistance for A (my BD)? (which btw is what your BD17 almost always does):

She got out a tupperware and emptied the leftover pasta
Got out a baggie and put the leftover meat in it
Put leftovers in the fridge
Took the bowl and spoon the brocolli was in and rinsed and put into dishwasher
Took the plate the meat was on and rinsed and put into dishwasher
Washed the lid to the pasta pot and put in drainer
Washed the BBQ tongs and the knife and put in drainer

Here is what the wicked stepmother (that's me) made M (your BD) do (which btw she did in about a minute)

Wash a small cutting board
Rinse a serving spoon and put it into the dishwasher
Rinse or wash a cooking pot (cooked pasta in mess to scrub) -- she chose to rinse and put into dishwasher

I was going to have her wipe off the counter too -- but apparently it was TOO much in your opinion, so I did it myself.

I know you'll deny my version of the story. Of course what you "see" is always the truth. I'm always just unwilling to see the truth righ--you know me better than me rightt?

btw I remember everything last night so well because I sensed you were on the hunt to find something I did wrong with regard to the kids---you had to prove your case since you knew I haven't been too fond of you lately. So I was intentionally very carefull to not do anything you could construe as wicked stepmotherly. As a matter of fact, that's what I was doing when I went upstairs last night was making notes on EXACTLY what happened. I knew you had the chance of coming back with a different story. I am just pretty shocked that you did anyway. Do you consciounsly change the story to fit your need - or is it an involuntary spasm?

Oh and for calling my children losers, very rebellious, bragging that they are on probation for "breaking the law" (and that you have "honor students") and saying they "always" do this or that, is just really trash talking and exceptional exaggeration -- Now I know how your really feel (just kidding--it's been pretty clear even from before you met my children you felt they were inferior). I'm glad you can talk so glowing about your own children though. Wow they are so lucky to have such a wonderful father who always thinks the best of them. Because afterall -- you get back the behavior you expect. And when I tell you I want you to parent your children the same way you parent mine, what I really mean is that I want you to NOT treat my children in ways you would never dream of talking about or treating your own (i.e, calling them a bitch intentionally loud enough for them to hear). You know my mother called me a bitch once in frustration when I was a teenager. I was outside the kitchen window and I don't think she realized I could hear her. Still remember it to this day.

You know I have never talked trash about you or your children...even when I have posted on this forum to vent. I have actually mentioned that they are pretty good kids and (ugh) I even once said you were a good father. I am honest because I want honest feedback. Not a bunch of validation so I feel better about my anger. No I don't get into it with your children like you do mine...that's because I disengaged a long time ago. It does't mean they are super angels...I just don't go there. Hell, I can't say anything about your girls to you anyway...I'm the wicked stepmother remember? I always get back an excuse or deflection from you if I bring something up. Like for example the one time I called you out on letting M eat 6 rolls for dinner and the skin off of the fried chicken when in the past, you have given A a hard time about eating more than her share of the rolls and not the rest of the food. What was your response to me? "because that's all you gave her to eat!" Really? We had friend chicken (yes chicken...not just the skin), salad and rolls. But that there is a good example of your usual response to me. Oh and what about the time, after we first all moved in together, you had me in tears ranting and raving because you saw me hand a dinner plate to my BD first once. I mean seriously??

Yes both of my children are on probation (boy am I ever sorry I jokingly mentioned that to you once). My adult son has 2 years left on DUI he got when he was 19 (no alcohol in system while driving a vehicle)--he was an adult and not under a "curfew" when it happend. My daughter is on "informal" probation for misdemeanor shoplifting (former friend talked her into it)- which the court is not charging her for and allowing her to have wiped from her record due to her good grades, letters of support, activities, etc. once she finishes the 6 month informal probation. Yes your daughters are "honor" students. My "loser" daughter only has a B- average and sometimes struggles in a few of her classes. She has been taking honors classes, however, the last 3 years. Yes my "loser" son "barely" graduated. He actually maintained a C average in HS, just flaked one of the classes his senior year he needed to graduate. He also had his parents go through a divorce when he was 16 which sort of threw him for a loop.

My "very rebellious" daughter always comes home when she's supposed to (unless you call 5 minutes late rebellious) but at least I ALWAYS tell her when to be home. Unlike you who leaves it open ended for your girls. If you don't give them a curfew they can't break it right? That's why when, a week or so ago I called you out on not being "consistent" when you told your BD17 that your BD12 could come home "whenever she wants." What did you glared a me. Then a week later I see this rant on a separate thread about how I "never" give my kids a curfew. The last 2 times your girls were out with friends when you were out of town...and you gave them permission first to go out -- I asked them several times when they were supposed to be home. The answer "I'll let you know later." Wow...that's great parenting on your part--no restrictions. I had to text them both, both times, to find out when I could expect them home.

I am honestly at my wits end. I try so very hard to be fair. I more often then not favor for your girls because I don't want to be accused of playing favorites (see above about your BD not having to take out the recycling last nite). You mysteriously never seem to hear or see me discipline my daughter. I tell her No more often than Yes, but you often accuse me of not being able to say no and I just want to be her friend. You my DH are one who cannot say no to his own children. Have you ever heard of deflection? Did you know that you very often accuse me of things I did not do, but I have seen you do yourself? That's deflection. You know the saying.... "Dirt Sticks Best to a Clean Spot"

Oh by the way, consider this post as payback for posting on MY facebook wall, not your status as you stated above--but on MY wall for all my friends, family and my children to see " If your two kids are both on probation for breaking the law don't you think parenting advice is the last thing you should be giving?" I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach when I saw that.

I'm done here. I've said my piece. Have fun trash talking about me and my children. Hey were are here to vent right? I just had hoped your venting would be open and honest.

frustratedNsm's picture

You are right I did call her a bitch but as is always the case you took this out of context. I DID in fact tell her "don't talk to me like your bitch ass friends" at first and she kept up her shouting at me…this is disrespectful and you’ve never taught them to respect anything as is evidenced with both of them being on probation with the law. Sorry just the facts. And Yes to set the record straight I did after her barrage of shouting at me say loud enough “bitch” and walked out of the house. Sad

Really? I never EVER heard the word please used…really justifying your Ex over your Husband because it justifies the actions…evidence that the bond is tighter with your Ex than it is with your Husband…pretty sad. :O Like I’ve said before the fact that SD runs to Ex and Ex confronts me sets a very dangerous precedent and now anytime there is a problem between SD (who by the way is a teenage girl) and I (middle aged man raised by a military father) there is going to be problems because Pandora’s box is open. This probably isn’t going to end well especially since your response to Ex confronting me was “good at least I don’t need to deal with it now”. To which I reminded you he’s your baggage and not mine and shouldn’t need to be my problem. It’s more of the same, you don’t want to deal with it (like parenting it’s really hard) and so your inaction justifies the action (Ex telling us how to parent in our own home).

Wrong again and I’ve told you that before. My BD(s) are not perfect and we have disagreements but the difference is they are more civil that those with skids. The have no respect for the law so how can they have any respect for me?

The truth is I thought when someone divorces a person and marries another they try to bond with the new husband and right or wrong stand with the new husband and work out differences. In this case I was mistaken with you. We have never been on the same page from day 1 with regards to parenting and yes I have been vocal to my own children and yes we don’t always see eye to eye because I have to take play the bad guy role (not be their friend) and actually PARENT them…you and your Ex should try that maybe it’s not too late! I went on to this forum (after MANY months) after questioning myself because you’ve been doing a pretty good job of making me feel like I’m in the wrong for all the negative encounters with skids or your Ex. Truth be told I agree with some on this board and disengagement is probably the best thing for my piece of mind. Problem is it’s not always so easy to do. For instance, when I did discuss the clean up chores the other night and SD kept trying to butt in you never corrected her. This is why she disrespects people and is rude…because the behavior is never corrected. I’ve told you that time and time again without so much as a correction. Coming on to this board helped me to see that what I’m dealing with is also being delta with by others out there. Being a coward is how you responded to your Ex interfering into our lives…but then again maybe I was as well and should have told him to STFU! }:)

She never was so nice as to say “geesh I’m ready to go” and often she is the last one ready to leave. I was really caught off guard that she had reacted so strongly to me and even floored when she snapped about not being her father. I’ve told her on several occasions that I wasn’t trying to be her father or replace her father and that I do care for her. The problem I see (saw it from day 1) is the SD and SS aren’t used to having someone tell them where the boundries are. Remember SS was staying out till midnight on school nights before we were married he even joked with us recently about seeing us at IN-and-OUT restaurant late at night once and ducking down so we didn’t catch him out so late on a school night.

The funny thing you never stop to see is that my kids respect you! Yes and even my BD12 has often said as she was telling you goodnight that she loves you but you never say anything back so I started saying “I love you too” so her feelings aren’t hurt. I raised my kids to respect authority and never would they do to you the disrespectful things your kids do to me. Sorry calling it like I see it! Where I went wrong was thinking that the blending of our family would come in time and I’d get the respect from your kids that mine show you. You told me once that they are both “strong-willed children” as if that excused things and I just can’t believe that setting the boundaries and being consistent in enforcing them isn’t playing a larger role in what we see today.

Again you are leaving out some important details or taking things out of context.
First, I said I’m making steak for us and chicken for the kids. Never thought it would be offered to them or I might have cooked it longer. Then where is it fair and equal that the steak is not offered to my BD when it was served only once I had seen it wasn’t offered to my daughter did I ask her if she wanted some steak as well. Then you jumped in and offer some but not before, how do you think that made her feel?

Sorry you didn’t hear it but she clearly said it wasn’t cooked all the way and offered it to my BD who ate it without complaining. She might also have complained about the fattiness but my focus was on the fact it was raw which is the way we like it…well at least I thought so.

Not sure what your DUI but no alcohol comment is supposed to mean. The fact is he told us his blood level was almost 2x the legal limit. Is this more about trying to make it not seem as bad as it was? Truth be told he was drinking and driving and hit another vehicle and he’s just damn lucky no body was in the other vehicle and got hurt. That’s why I told him he should consider himself lucky that someone wasn’t in the other vehicle and died…he could have been in prison. I hear you about the friend comment and we discussed that you can’t be with them all the time so IMHO all you can do is to parent them into making good choices. Saying that a friend talked her into it is just helping to justify the actions in your mind and really doesn’t help your daughter! Yes, if we count things like PE she probably does come close to a B- but the facts are over the past school year she has almost never had homework which is incredible to believe. And why doesn’t she have homework (JMHO) well it’s because she asks if she can go over to a friends house when we get home and to that your response is once your homework is done which brings on her response of not having any. Occasionally she has mentioned the homework which was missed but never corrected as to they why didn’t you say you had homework when asked. I’m not saying she has to be an “A” student that’s why I agreed to buy her a laptop if she were to maintain a B average for a full school year. This lower the bar because for my oldest BD she had to make the Principles List which is straight A’s. So if I was being fair as you would say then I’d tell her the deal is the same and SD needs to make the principles list for straight “A” grades as well. Not sure how D’s and F’s bring the grade point up to “C” averages for SS. I do have to commend you on NOT allowing her to break that informal court curfew the other day when she pleaded to leave the house after the curfew time. Now if you do that consistently then she will stop asking because she knows the answer is ALWAYS going to be the same.

Well if you mean ALWAYS as in sometimes then yes. What I mean is yes you tell her to come home at x-time and she does come home within 10-15 minutes of that time and sometimes within 5 minutes. To me when someone says be home at x-time it isn’t a window of time it’s an exact time. In that case she doesn’t come home at x-time she starts her travel home at the time she is supposed to be home And when she isn’t questioned about why she isn’t home at x-time then you reinforce the behavior that the time she gets home isn’t important and long as it’s close to the time she is supposed to be there.

To be honest only the facts right!
I told my oldest BD17 to be home by 11PM so no surprise. As far as my BD12 goes she asked me via text message while I was in the desert so I told she could go out with her friends to the mall and to coordinate with you on time to be home which she told me she received a text from you but that she was never told a set time from you to be home at. When I got home later that night from the desert I saw that she had just pulled up and told her she was out to late and found out she was never given a time.

I never posted that on your wall (yes I’m not a FB guru but) I posted it as my status and you saw it…if it was on your wall you could have removed it…I almost 100% certain that’s the case. But NEVER EVER did I post it up on your wall!

stepfamilyfriend's picture

Never mind. I had some supportive words, but even that seems out of line here. Good luck.

Rags's picture

I would have responded with the specific facts that you chose not to express. Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts so use them.

We learned long ago that one of the best tools in our arsenal against the blended family opposition in defense of my Skid's best interests is the facts of their own behavior and the behavior of the extended SpermClan.

When my son graduated from USAF basic in June my wife found a T-shirt in the Lackland gift shop that said "My son is defending our country as a member of the USAF. What is your kid doing?"

My wife purchased the shirt with the intent of sending it to SpermGrandMa. The SpermIdiot is a voluntarily intermittently unemployed plumber with four OOWL spawn my 3 different BMs. My SS is his oldest. The three younger spawn have been pawned off on to the SpermGrandParents to raise with no help from the SpermIdiot while he lives in a SGP rental property rent free so that they can all keep up the illusion that he is raising the 3younger spawn so the SpermClan can retain custody.

And .... the SpermGrandParents have always paid the SpermIdiot's CS for my SS.

We have used these facts repeatedly and effectively as part of our SpermClan control tactics in direct communication and in court when necessary.

Facts are extremely effective so use them to your advantage in protecting your SKids/BKs.

I will say that it is never appropriate to speak to your SD with vitriolic anger and profanity. I know, I have done it myself to my own SS. However, I recognized my shitty behavior and went to extensive measures to apologize to my SS and to anyone who was present when I did it and went to great effort to regain both his trust and the trust of my wife. I am his dad and her husband and as a man I must cherish that role as much as I cherish them and put things to rights when I screw up.

IMHO of course.