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Spoiled Princess/Starry eyed BF UPDATE ; )

stepmom to be's picture

Step Talk Friends,
Its been over a year and 40 or 50 replies since I posted my rant about my dilemma...what an impassioned response I received! Thank you so much for supporting me, giving me pause, challenging me, making me laugh, p*****g me off, defending me and giving me your time. There were times when I was on this site twenty times a day.

I took a chance when I posted my raw and honest feelings about my potential role as a step mom, and your responses helped me to find my way as I navigated these crazy waters! Ultimately, I decided that I would not become a step mom to these girls (the ring had been ordered, though no formal details had been arranged), nor would I become wife to this man. The butterflies remained, but as time wore on, I couldn't avoid the brutal fact that he didn't meet my expectations as a father or as as a partner, and that these two roles were interlinked. On again, off again, and so on, until it was clear to me that I was not dealing with an honest man. Done.

So...I realized just the other day that I had taken so much from the Step Talk community, but had not given closure to my story and adequate thanks to all of you! THANK YOU and lots of luck to my old friends here...I am more than sure that I will be back, but in the meantime I will be licking my wounds and learning to be on my own...

phew...that was a close one!!

Christina's picture

Hi, I'm new here. This is my very first attempt at finding solice from a web site about anything. It feels strange, but comforting to talk to a bunch of strangers who I probably have so much in common with. Background-I have a 10 year old step daughter and no children myself. This is my first marriage, my husband's second marriage. We have been together a little over four years, have a business together that we started, and have his daughter half of the time. Her mother lives 10 minutes away, so we just drive my step daughter to school on our days. There is so much chaos, the ex-wife/mother is constantly harping, threatening, harassing, etc. We have court orders in place, but she bends and stretches every possible limit. She has sworn to drive me out four years ago, and she may just do that. She has stopped breaking in to our house now, at least. She only harasses in other ways. Sadly, this is a huge relief to be where we are at, compared to where we were a few years ago. However, with that subsiding, my step daughter has become so manipulative and devious at times, I don't know what to do. My husband refuses to see this. I have tried to talk with him, and I have been calm, rational, and honest. He can't see her for who or what she is, a child with a great deal of problems who is taking after her mother and needs help. I love my step daughter, but I don't often like her. She will intentionally drive a wedge between us, and even winks or smirks at me sometimes to prove it. She has her dad wrapped around her pinky, and he claims to know that she can be manipulative at times, but barely sees a glimpse of the real situation. I still am so good to my step daughter, and I take care of her daily, cook for her, spend time with her, help her with her homework, do lots of the pickups/drop offs, spend thousands of hours, dollars, and days of effort trying to help her and be good to her. She completely makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home whenever my husband is around and sometimes he does the same. I am the bad guy almost all of the time. Everytime we talk about it, my husband just tells me that he will try to help, but never really makes any consistent effort. He believes that I think poorly of my step daughter and that she is a great kid so I am the bad guy. I never say she's bad, I say that she needs to learn to do chores (she doesn't do a single chore regularly!) or brush her teeth, or eat healthy foods, or do her homework, etc. All pretty basic things. I am the one who spends the most time even checking it over and she comes to me first for help because she knows I am the only one who even bothers with this regularly. I do love her, but she needs help. She is learning that lying and manipulating are a way of life. I am so tired and sad from feeling so unappreciated and disposable to them. My friends encourage me to leave the situation because it is pretty dramatic (this is just the tip of the iceburg of things that happen) and stop praying, and to start moving. I have been through the ringer and feel empty, unreplenished, lost, hurt and I just want to be peaceful and have a beautiful life and a family. I have cried and hurt so deeply almost every day carrying on for the past few months. We have been through so much counseling, so many tribulations, and I'm so sad and tired from it all, and its only been four years. When is it time to leave and when is that right? When is it right to keep trying? I'm really in need of some help and advice. Thanks for listening.