Sometimes it all drives me crazy w/ my SS
Over 13 years, there's so much. Met my wife when her son was 7. It had been those 2 together for 3+ years previous, since BD at 22 didn't want to be a dad, so marraige ended. BD is a nice guy, we're friendly, so some think it's a weird dynamic.
We met, had 2 kids together, and been a family of 5 for the last 6 years. But the ss has in some ways, always been unusual. I've had experience with kids before from nieces and nephews and friends kids, family, etc. He is the only kid, I could ever remember coming out and saying--"hey I need some attention". Just odd to me.
First time he me my dad, we were walking up to meet at a restaurant and my dad was outside smoking, and he says--first time he sees my dad-"how come you smoke?" Things like this that I never would have expected a 7-8 year old to say.
When trying to explain to him why he shouldn't have done something---he would just place 2 fingers over each ear and walk away....really??
He's said crude things that noone in the entire family says anything about, like he's the golden child, and it drives me crazy.
He's mentioned that he thinks people always have ulterior motives when the do something. I am completly opposite in that regard. I love doing things for people and getting nothing out of it, but feeling good about helping someone.
This past Christmas, he got up before dawn, like the rest of us because the youngest was so excited and we were too for him. My wife was so impressed that the oldest had got up too....Only to discover that he got up because he was going over to his BD house at 10am because they were having family over and didn't mention to us at all until just before he left. My wife was so upset, especially after being stressed out trying to do Christmas stuff, work, etc. I know what I wanted to say---regarding "ulterior motives", but I blamed it on being a teen, as I usually make that excuse for him when he does things that are selfish, dumb and lack common sense, when I know in reality, it is his personality. She said something along the lines of not wanting to raise an asshole and thought she failed, as her ex, although friendly with him, know he has been more of a friend to his son than a father. It wasn't any time to have any discussion of what I really thought.
And now, today at 19, when he is supposed to be watching the younger kids (11 and 6), he's sleeping.....and not the first time this has happened.
He very robotic, if you dont tell him exactly everything step by step, he'll half ass everything. and if you do say anything, he gets the "whoa is me" attitude.
I've felt powerless, and feel I could have changed him a little for the better, but felt like it was never my place.
He's probably on the spectrum
He's probably on the spectrum.
You should have him evaluated.
Spectrum?
I'm not sure what you mean by that-Spectrum. I know the other day that my wife and him were talking about something that they paid for online for him, and, it sounded like a while ago. Wasn;t included in the conversation, so not sure what it was really about. But he joked about how it came out that he wasn't suicidal and something else. So, it sounded good.
I have to say, that I've always felt I can size people up farily well--actually had a handwriting expert put it that way, so I could understand it. But, when it comes to my ss, sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel like he's fooling everybody most of the time, or they don't want to see it, or I'm the crazy one.
Since he was little, it just seems as though he's always had a negative attitude. I can understand it a little. not having your parents together. When I see picutres of him from the time of us being together, until now, I honestly have never seen a genuine smile in any photo that's been taken in 13 years. the first time I heard him genuinely good laugh was not until he was about 10.
And I think I spend way too much time thinking about him, than I do my bio kids. I don't want his influence on them, I don't want them using his "sayings", mannerisms, etc.
He can be very enjoyable to converse with, when he's not turning every conversation into something about himself.
Inability to recognize social
Inability to recognize social ques, robotic behavior, innappropriate behavior that he doesn't even realize is inappropriate.
Could very well be on the high functioning side of autism. Maybe get a professional opinion.
High Functioning
I dont think I know how to get a professional opinion about this. I think I would be looked at by the entire family as the one who would need an evaluation LOL. My ss has done very well in school his entire life. very good GPA. Just started college courses in January, it was a little more challenging for him, but he made it through and is taking summer school classes and Fall classes, in his hopes of moving on to a University by next spring. He says he can't wait to get going with that.
He is somewhat socially akward, nice looking kid, says he doesnt want a relationship right now, no kids in the future--but has said these things just about everyday for the last 7-8 years....
I know he confides in his grandmother quite a bit, but not sure of exactly what. She has mentioned to him sometimes when she is over at our house about how he doesnt seem happy.
If I had more time and if I knew it wouldnt cause big drama, I'd like to let her know my feelings, as we have a pretty good relationship.
I guess we'll see how he does when he finally goes off to college. His sister already has an eye on his room, and once he leaves, there is no room to come back to, so he better make it.
I am not sure all of this is
I am not sure all of this is beyond the realm of the fairly usual for teen boys. My SS could not perform simply instructed tasks for most of his teen years. I landed on the requirement to only give him a single task unless I gave him a written list. He could not handle more than a single instruction at a time.
One thing that absolutely did not work was ignoring the crap. So we confronted it. He knew that he either got it right or he lived increasingly unpleasant consequences. I would suggest that you give the total confrontation and increasingly unpleasant consequences model a try.
It works. At least it did for us.
Rags
Rags, I understand. but me not being the one able hand out the displine with him, otherwise, it just looks like I'm picking on him. Its been that way for a ling time. In conversation over the years, if I said something that a normal regular father would have said to one of his own kids when he did or said something without common sense, it would be looked at in favor, of there would be some positive reinforcement, but there hasnt been. Until just a few days ago, when I think my wife has finally had it with his lazy attitude at home and him not doing things that he can do on his own for his own benefit. He's always seem to have the attitude of, if he can't find it, figure it out, or doesnt want to do it---mom will. Example a few years ago when he a school chromebook and we didnt know where it was, he wasn't really looking for it, didn't know what he did with it and just said "eh, mom will find it". And his grandparents were over, who took care of him often when she was single, working and going to school, and from what I've been told, would never have put up with that attitude with their own kids, said nothing......I was dumbfounded.
Ok, again, I'm spending way too much time on him, and I've got work to do, But this is my only outlet. My extended family has moved or passed or has enough problems that I can't throw this on them. So thank you for replying.
Entitled poorly raised
Entitled poorly raised children can certainly be a time sink. Hopefully you are not too far from SS being 18 and heading out to give life a try with his own rules and resources.
Take care of you.
Well, he has decided that he
Well, he has decided that he doesn't want to go to college anymore. He took classes and did ok with some and not so good with others. Said he doesnt like school(something he has said almost every day since he was 7). So not sure what he wants to do. He went to apply this summer to get an appreticeship in the trades, but not accepting applications until next spring.
It's ok if he doesnt want college, and trades can be the way to go since there is a shortage in that area now that everyone thought college is the ultimate answer. But he really hasn't been trying all that hard to go for any job until then. And he needs to, for so many reasons. He's now visiting some relatives out of town this week, where they may have some connections for other opportunities. As my wife doesnt want to see her son leave yet, she understands he's almost 20 and needs to do something. It just kind of gets thrown in her face about how great that town is compared to ours and that annoys her. But honestly, I think he fits in better there anyway. I really hope that he finds something there, it has been so nice the last few days with him not around. I don't have to hear the same repetitive nonsense, and his self abosorbed attitude. And it keeps him away from my bio-kids, so that they can develop their own personalities without his example.
I know it was mentioned on here that he may be on the spectrum. But what I think, is something that I've really have had in the back of my mind for a long, long time about him. He is somewhat of a narcissist. His conversations generally have I, my, me, myself in almost every sentence.Whenever there is a conversation going on, he doesnt really engage in it and will start talking about something completely unrelated to what was being discussed, unless he can make the topic about something about himelf.
When something happens to someone, his response starts out with-"that's ok, my ------ ---- blah blah blah" whatever, to make it about him. About a month ago,we had a party and we're talking about my biokids and everyone had trailed off into another are of the yard, and it's him and I finishing up the conversation about them, and he turned into about him. So I said, "you know, everything isn't just about you" in an almost joking way and he comes back quickly and strongly "well, it should be!", then half heartedly says "just kidding", which of course I know he's not. Then just this weekend, he was talking about having a conversation with some people and a girl told him that he is full of himself, and he took it as just being confident. And lately he's been throwing that word around with "it's a fine line between being cocky and confident", referring to some famous people in sports, politics, entertainment, etc.
His grandmother and I did discuss him a little bit a few weeks ago and I told her that I'm worried about him and think about him more than my other two. And it came up because after my daughter(11) spending a week with her, realized how she has a pretty good head on her shoulders. And that's when I felt I had an opportunity to bring him up.She is worried about him too, but I didnt go into detail about being a narcissist, just things that someone his age should be able to do without being told and how I can't handle following up behind him at this age when I have a 6 year old to have to do that with. She agreed. But she thinks his behaviour is more recent, so I don't think she really ever saw it before, which from my observations, of course I didn't think she had. And I really don't think anyone besides me in the family has. So it was really refreshing that he actaully said something that someone else, wh he was conversing with, thought he was full of himself. He told my wife and i, and neither of us really said anything, regarding that statment. And I remember about 5-6 years ago a family friend at a party, said something to him, in a joking way about him being a sociopath. I so wanted to confront her and tell her that I know that she probably wasn't joking, and it was ok, because I just about agreed with her.
I really feel bad having these thoughts because I love my wife so much and I feel bad saying these things behind her back. She had to do a lot on her own with him the best she could when she was married to his father. They were young and he was not very responsible.He left when the boy was 3, but it was an amicable split and they're still friends. And I'm sure all of that is part of why he is, how he is. And he is so much like people he isn't aroundmost of the time. Funny how biology works.
MMS~
MMS~
Disengage, just remove yourself from any involvement with him because SS really is occupying too much space in your mind and it's not worth it. I'm sure you have your kids and other things going on in your life that you need to focus on other than a SS that you have absolutely NO control over. This is all for his mother to deal with and she will reap the consequences for her lack of parenting. If you want to save your sanity and mental well-being disengage and be done with SS.
It's a tough thing to do when
It's a tough thing to do when he still lives with us and sometimes my kids copy things he says that they think is funny. But considering that I do know my daughter is very much like me, I don't think it will be too much longer that she gets what/who he is. But also, because he lives with us, just some of the things he does or doesn't do that are visible that reminds me that he is with us. Like not taking out the garbage when it is piled up, or taking it out and leaving stuff behind that fell behind the cans. Feeding and giving water to the dogs, but seeing there was a pile in the garage from one of them, and not picking it up, tearing open a bag of cereal on the wrong side, when there is a zip lock on the other side, always taking the last of the milk, with a big glass at midnight when we others need some for cereal the next day and the empty milk gallon in the garbage, that he didn't take out, bringing down a pile of dishes/glasses from his room and putting in the sink after the dishwasher is being run.
So hard to disengage when he still lives with us, but I have got to find a way to do so, because most of my idle time then turns to thoughts of him, And here I am at work doing this, and not focusing on my job.
But we did just make a new chore chart, that everyone is going to start following, once he gets back, if he's still with us for a while. I know she is fed up with a lot, and we're exhausted and can't keep up, She is realizing it finally.
I know I will feel better once he has moved on. Or if he's still with us, at least finds a job, so that he can contirbute financially to this family. And, he may finallly feel better himself, once he is doing something constructive.
I've had a few people(long ago friends) that were similar to him, so disengagement from them was easy. My brain keep wanting to file my ss in a good place, but it doesn't compute. And it's not becuase he not my bio. He's a very rare breed of person that doesn't mesh with my mind.
But I've got to cut off the power of trying to file it that way, because it's not going to happen. AndI need to get on with my life, my kids, my wife and my job. And I've got to do it today.
There are other things I need to say, but I've wasted too much time already today.