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So sad...need help

Frustrated2's picture

Well....I have 2 step children. My husband and I have been together since his son was 4 months old and his daughter was almost 2. So I have a very close relationship with both of them. There's nothing in my life that I love more than them. They consider me a mother. The exwife has always caused problems. She has never liked me. She can be very nasty and mean, but she does it in incognito way. When confronted she always give the same speech..."I would never do anything like that on purpose" She has made my life hell for years now. But my problem is that I love the kids so much and I want to be involved as much as I can. When my step daughter started kindergarden the evil ex tried to keep me out of her school. She said the class room is for the mom and dad. My husband is very involved with everything. We have 50/50 custody. Now my issue is I have no control over what I can and can't be involved in. My husband tells me I can do whatever I want and that he will back me up 100%. I don't want to rock the boat with the ex because it only makes things harder on the kids. I know that the ex is their mom but I get so sad because I love the kids like they are my own and I want to be able to do the things with them that a parent should do. I even signed my husband up to be the soccer coach (against his will) so I could be fully involved. I've played soccer my whole life and want the kids to get involved in it, and they love it. The ex takes control of everything. She's just very overbearing. We tried doing joint birthday parties but it was a disaster because she starts spinning and taking over and bossing us around. Theres alot more history there, but things have started to even out. If I volunteered to go in my step daughters class without giving the ex the option to go first she would have a fit. and when she's mad we pay for it. Sorry this is so long. I've just been having a really hard time not being able to do everything I want with the kids.....Any advice??

need2vent's picture

First off, I truly love your heart fro these children and appreciate you wnating to be as active in their lives as possible.
I am going to shoot from the hip here just as a possibility.
As a biomom I only hope if/when someone enters my sons lives as bonus mom that they have their heart where you do, I would be happy to have her join along BUT as a human will admit I will probably have moments of jealousy and want to be their MOM and have to work at not being defensive for the sake of kids.
So guess I am suggesting perhaps if it were made clear to her that she is their mom and you wish to be someone special to them , a bonus mom(Perhaps not called mom)that she would feel more at ease.
I was lucky in my 3 year relationship to have an ex who welcomed me in child's class,bday parties everything but I had told her clearly I only wished to be someone else in the child's world to love her, not her mom, she had that.(some children on here do not have amom or decent one anyway and stepmom is the key female figure)
I see your hgeart in the right place but wonder if you expressed this to her if she wouldn't perhaps be so defebsive about everything and feel she had to run the show, perhaps even compliment something about her mom skills in front of others for her to feel secure.
JUST A SUGGESTION.

smurfy1smile's picture

Volunteer for school stuff. Teachers and staff always need help with stuff like parties, setting up stuff, reading to the class, etc. BM can do the same and if she chooses not to or can't due to schedule conflicts so be it. As far as I am concerned, you are not stepping on her toes. If you offered and are asked and she did not that is her loss. I am lucky and blessed that I work from home so I can volunteer at my kids' schools quite a bit. There is no reason you can't help out. Kids love it when they have guests in their class/school whether its a parent, sibling or grandparent. Attend PTO meetings and see where you can help if you want to. They have committees that need help with stuff directly with the students and indirectly.

As far as stuff like conferences, our school has a policy that parents who are not together can share the conference time and not be together for it. Example - 30 minutes conference, BMgoes for 15 minutes and DH and SM go for the other 15 minutes.

It can be worked out. I would let BM know you want to be involved but you don't want to "take over".

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

Frustrated2's picture

Thank you need2vent. I have tried telling her many times that I am not trying to be their mom and that I just want to be another person that loves them. I even try and show her. For example we share 50-50 custody and when my step daughter has things like dance recitals on our day I make sure that she is involved. I tell my husband that her mom (the ex) would probably want to be invovled with doing the makeup and stuff like that. I always try and think if she would want to be involved with something. I try and put myself in her shoes so I'm very cautious about stepping on her toes. We volunteer at my step daughters school one day a week. When biomom has her she goes and when we have her my husband goes. My husband told me that his and I could rotate our days so I could be involved. Well when biomom found out she said that if he can't go then che gets to choose first if she wants to go and then if she can't...I can go. She said if we didn't agree she would take us to court. I really so try and understand her jealousy. I get jealous of her sometimes too because I love the kids like they are my own and I can't do the things that she does. Of course I could do what I wanted, but that would just be worse for eveyone. I don't know what else I can do to make her see I'm not taking her place. I just want to be involved more than anything.

Also smurfy1smile, I do volunteer at the school for other things I'm just so afraid that she's going to get mad if I'm around too much. She can be pretty evil when she's mad. And we could obviously be just as mean, but my husband and I just don't have it in us to be that way. Thankyou

everythinghappens4areason's picture

I am not sure on which days you get the skids or if you have them a week here/a week there kind of thing, so you would have to gear an email/letter to her to account for this. But how about stating something like, I think it is great you have the opportunity to volunteer at the school in so and so's class. The more quality time with a child the better. The children tell us often on how much they love their mom & enjoy any time spent with you. I realize that you work (or if she doesn't ....have a busy schedule) so I wanted to pass something by you. As you know I volunteer at the school already & I was interested as well in volunteering in so and so's class, however, I feel that the choice of days or times should be something you of all people have a pick of first, after all, you are the mother. Smile
If you could let me know what days suit you better then we can arrange something to notify the teacher. If at any time you need to switch a day here or there, please do not hesitate to call me, as I am more than willing to accomodate your schedule changes.

How's would something like that go? This way you are allowing "her" the control of which days to pick and you are complimenting her while doing it....as we all know, control is the issue here with most of the BM's.

I would like to say to you personally that I would die for a stepmom like you to enter my childrens lives. I feel like the more love, guidance and participation you can offer a child the better to prepare them for life in the future. You are a true blessing!!

In the beginning of my step parent role I was allowed to do this as well, but then BM felt like she was losing control over everything when the kids enjoyed being around me....then things went downhill and I was the mean stepmom. Very sad that it had to end up that way.

Let us know how you make out.

Corie

Sita Tara's picture

I am a Bio mom as well as a SM and this may come across as harsh to other bm's, but please bear with me.

I know how it feels to have my two year old call his SM "mom" and kiss her goodbye in front of me, to have him call me by her name at times. I know how it feels to hear about all the fun family things my sons were doing with their dad, SM and her three kids within months of us divorcing when they moved right in together. I know how it feels to know that the SM is at the field trip because I couldn't get off work, to have my son turn in a paper in 2nd grade about his home and family where I wasn't even listed because he was over at their house that day and it didn't occur to him to include me. I remember all too well when they chose to give their SM the cooler present because they were sure I would like whatever they gave me, so they wanted to make sure her gift was nicer.

It's hard, sad, your ego takes so many hits.

Which is why that very ego needs to go on a shelf as high up as you can not easily reach it other than to dust it off occasionally for other reasons (work, school, dealing with people out in the world at large.) NEVER never take it down for use against your kids' SM. And if you can just do that, I promise amazing results like mine, I am really good friends with my ex's wife, my sons' SM who they call by her name but have my absolute permission to call her "mom" whenever it suits them.

In your situation I do not feel you need to respect BM's fragile ego other than to refrain from saying hurtful things about her to her children or to her face. Plan your own birthday parties for the kids, and she can be invited as a guest only (DH should make that clear.) If she doesn't act like one but takes over, then I would make clear that she will not be invited next time as calmly as possible and away from the kids.

As much as it sucks, as a SM I would avoid field trips and class parties, other than to offer to send in treats now and then if the teachers would like (that will still show the kids you care a lot.) We also have scheduled our own teacher's conferences, which was kind of stupid on BM's part, because without her or SD present, we could talk honestly to the teachers about our issues, and both teachers in those two years became allies in our quest for custody.

As for larger events like sporting events, school performances etc, you belong there and if your wonderful DH is willing to back you up then by all means go. If she is uncomfortable and can't be mature about it then she may stay home. We used to try not to surprise BM showing up unannounced, but eventually we did stop telling SD for sure we would come to things on her nights with BM because then BM wouldn't bring her to them if she thought we might be there. Once again, she created the problem and secrecy.

Keep being sincere in your motives for involvement in these activities and let BM deal with her own insecurities about it. Not your problem in my book.

Peace, love, and red wine

Can't Sleep's picture

Zen, I'm hoping you can shed some light. I'm married to a man with a biological daughter and a step-daughter who visit us every other weekend. They both consider him dad and have never known any different. I have two children of my own, the children's ages, 9, 11, 11 and 12. His 9 and 12 year old are sweet girls who's mother makes life more difficult for everyone every day. My husband and I are planning our "wedding" (basically a reception for friends and family), so I'm doing a lot of planning, etc. I spent this weekend taking his daughters shopping for new dresses, shoes, etc. We have four children, I lost my job a couple months ago, and money is tight. His oldest just recently got a cell phone, which has been used this weekend to text and call the ex-wife ALL THE TIME, while we're dress shopping, while I'm planning, etc. She was disappointed in the dress I purchased for her because she didn't feel like it was "fabulous". I explained to her that I understood her disappointment, but we had limited funds, but I promised them all new dresses, so that's what I was doing. I found her a $140 Dillards dress on sale for $35...and she looks absolutely fantastic in it. She pouted and immediately ran upstairs to call her mom to tell her how awful I was or the dress was or whatever. I spoke with my husband and explained to him that I don't think it's appropriate for the girls to 1. be calling mom about all the details of our wedding and 2. calling when they're unhappy with us. I can't stop them from talking to mom about whatever when they get home on Sunday eve, but fueling the fire about silly stuff like a dress is just not helpful. So, he and I sat the girls down, he did all the talking and simply told them that we'd appreciate it if they wouldn't call/text mom all the time about the details of the wedding and really, this is our weekend and they don't need to be calling/texting mom all the time about what's going on at the house. Reasonable? I thought so. So this evening he takes them home and the ex calls him not 10 minutes later...the youngest told her that I told the girls that they weren't allowed to call/text their mom...totally not true and I felt SO betrayed! So, my husband explains exactly what we told the girls. Well, she threw a fit because "we have an open phone policy"...what the h*ll does that mean? My husband told her that the girls were always allowed to call their mom when they needed to, but the frequency was getting out of hand. The conversation basically ended with her telling him things weren't going to change. So, he and I discussed it again and determined that the oldest could simply leave her cell phone at home. he called the ex back and told her the new "policy" to which she threw another cussing fit and in the background he heard the oldest say "I just won't go over there anymore"...which made the ex say "see, now you're not going to see your daughter because of this petty sh*t". We explained that there are three lines in this house, a land line & two cell phones, she has the numbers for all of them and the girls always have permission to use them, the cell phone just wasn't coming to the house anymore.
I'm most heartbroken that i spent then entire weekend with the girls buying them new clothes that we couldn't afford and they walk in their house and totally betray us and then the ex reinforces their actions by acting like a child herself. I know this is just the beginning. What do I in two weeks when the girls are back and the oldest one is totally ticked about the stupid cell phone. She's 12 for God's sake, what child HAS to have a cell phone that bad? Advise? Thoughts?

Sita Tara's picture

And am dreading the day Disney BM provides my SD who just turned 13, a cell phone. We have so far banished all the kids ipods to the parents houses who purchased them, which BM probably doesn't know yet b/c SD still brings it over but keeps it hidden in her room (turning blind eye for my own sanity, at least she isn't flaunting her disrespect in my face.) My sons' dad knows and I think he is trying to back me up but feels I'm over policing. These Ipods have been the source of way too many arguments and they are getting our two year old hooked on them (and gameboys, which SD also introduced thanks to one of BM's BF's.) We have cable and computer, and it sucks that we have to have so much difficulty imposing our set of rules and values for all these electronic brain distractions that this next generation has been manipulated into being addicted to.

I refuse to allow cell phones for my children in my home. Period. I don't care who's friend has one (one mom suggested I say, "That's great all your friends have them, so you can borrow theirs if you need to reach me from practice!")

My ex has so far respected that one as he agrees with it, but alas his wife does not and her 13 year old got a Blackberry for Christmas this year. So I'm sure it's a matter of time before the boys get a cell, and then they will know ahead of time that I don't approve and their use will not be permitted in our house. SD wants a cell desperately, and BM keeps promising her one for years. But at Christmas the best BM came up with was SD's own home phone which interestingly is somehow programmed in a way that she can't dial DH's cell number. This is according to SD who actually said it with concerned sincerity and yes BM is that crazy and petty (they have an "open phone communication" clause in their agreement too, but we're the only ones who abide by it.)

SD also demands to call her mom whenever she is upset with us, and I'm sure would love to do the same over there if her phone would allow it. We decided that since BM doesn't allow her free phone use to call us that we are allowed to do the same and tell SD she has to call BM later if it's in the middle of something family oriented and we feel SD is trying to make it about her drama instead. For instance, the day of our wedding, SD had thrown a fit because she was mean to my younger son, and DH's SIL corrected her for it. SD stomped up to her room then came back down and demanded to call BM. DH said, "NOT today you don't." SD yelled back, "You're DENYING me a phone call to my mother?!?!?!?" DH said, "Nope. Just postponing it til tomorrow. Today is about us getting married and your mother is not invited to our day."

So....long story long....NO cell phone that you have not approved may be used in your house. Do not back down. I know my SD's therapist would say that we are over policing in this situation, but what realistically is the choice?

"Honey, if you can show responsible cell phone use this weekend we'll reconsider?" I have tried this second chance approach and all I end up doing is repeating and repeating the same argument with SD or my BS (also 13). That's why I feel like I'm over correcting/policing. Because the kids have a good triangulation situation going and they know it. If they just wear us down they get what they want.

I say it will be Lord of the Flies for this next generation if some of us don't have the cahonas to PARENT. Even in the face of this impossible blended adversity.

Peace, love, and red wine

Sita Tara's picture

We have only cell phones and no house phone. BUT...the kids, well SD complains because she wants to be on the phone socially non-stop and we have limited minutes (sometimes that's why she calls BM. Because she is bored and wants to be on the phone and knows we won't stop her from calling her mom most of the time.)So....

We have decided to get a home phone again with more (not UNLIMITED, but more) minutes. ATTACHED TO THE KITCHEN WALL, WITH A CORD.

The children are despairing over the great injustices we are imposing on them. Oh the hardship!I'm am really shooting for that meanest parent of the millennium award Wink

Peace, love, and red wine

Frustrated2's picture

Zenmom, Thank you so much. I love hearing form anyone who is also a biomom. It make me sad to hear that it hurts you when he calls her mom and her your name because that has happened to us. I don't want to hurt her at all. I've tried everything to let her know I am not trying to take her place. In fact i had plans to take my step daughter to a big fun event and it was out day with the kids. Biomom called and asked if she could take her(not knowing that I already planned to). My DH and I talked about it and decided to let biomom take her because things had been going so good and I didn't want to make her jealous that I was taking her. I'm ok with that kind of stuff I just wish she would not have to control everything. In fact if she wasn't such a control freak, we would probably be ok. She has to be at everything. My DH and I cannot take the kids to any practices or appts. without biomom being there. She feels that if she is not at everything that people and the kids will not think she is super mom. For example...My DH and I built a little house for the kids school (like a tree house). No one else would help so my DH and I and one other guy took the weekend and built it (biomom did not want to do it). Well at the next school meeting everyone was talking about how nice it was and how nice it was that we built it. We were not finished and the school needed more money for supplies so biomom took over and said she would write my DH and I a thank you email and CC it to everyone. Also she would coolect the extra money form everyone. She did not want to be involved until I was. I know it might not seem that bad but she takes over everything. It's just so hard for me to be around her and the kids too much. I'm cnostantly asking my DH "Do you think that made her mad" or "Did I do that right" or "Do you think that upset her". It just takes alot out of me.I am very athletic and love playing sports. I want to be able to be involved at practices but I'm afraid to upset biomom. I understand her wanting to be involved in everything. I just want a little bit. She comes to me with problems regarding my DH and she is not easy to communicate with. Anyone have anymore advice??

Sita Tara's picture

But happy for my son that he has a SM that loves him, and he loves in return. That's bigger than my fragile ego every time.
And I am still working on letting go of trying to second guess my motives for everything regarding SD's BM. Like did I want to go to the soccer game for SD? Or to irritate BM? Will that make her mad? Will she not go if I go? What does SD want me to do- stay home so her mom will come?

We have to let all that go. Do what's best for yourself, then your DH...SK's come third. What I mean is, if you really want to go to an event and your DH really wants you there, and then your sk would like you to come...then BM is at the bottom of the list.

And as far as the tree house- just continue to do what is in your heart, and DON'T fall into her competition. If she needs that influence to make her involvement and step up, well then I guess it's a good thing you came into your sk's life!

Good luck!

Peace, love, and red wine