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SO and I had a fight over SD7 mini-wife :( sorry, it's a bit long :((

oncechoosetosmile's picture

I don't know who else to turn to, so I hope that some of you will understand how I feel.
When SO and I met SD now 7 played the role of his mini-wife , was manipulative and possessive of her dad.
It was extremely exhausting and I don't know how our rs would have survived it without So slowly changing things around and putting things into the right perspective.
So, those who see my posts here, maybe remember that things were fine, mostly only little problems came up that we talked through and changed.I really felt we are on top of it and really moved into the blending process smoothly.My resentments for SD were nearly gone , since SO made it clear that I am his partner and she is he child, plus also changed the way he spoke to her- especially avoiding to call her baby or babe all the time.He is still very loving and overcompensates with her, but his efforts helped me a lot to be more relaxed and tolerant, too.
Anyway, last week everything seemed to go downhills suddenly.SO and BM made the decision to start SD7 on week on and week off- SO had sold me the whole hing as a "trial" to start with, but last but least I felt they overran me since I thought that the old care plan was working really well for us here.
Anyhow, I didnt really ave any say at it seems and SO swore he would make it work for us/me.
YES, RIGHT.
It was only the first week and since I am working from home I had SD here with me and the other kids whilst SO having appointments or going to work.
First thing that went wrong- SD7 has several babysitters in BMs family - one of her grandparents did even offer to take her for one day.SO did not even bother about getting back to them and even called another of her "babysitters" to say we don't need her this week.Thanks SO for the stress relief!!!!!!!
Second thin went wrong- since month I am begging SO to organise some playdates for her , so she is not so adult reliant!!I dont have any contacts for her, so I bought some invitations and craft stuff in order for her to take it to school to invite some friends over for Easter craft.He never bothered about handing it out.So , when my son 8 had a little boy over for a play , SD pouted, complained and gave them a hard time following them around.Of course that made SO feel guilty and she got coddled.
Third thing went wrong- I had several health issues this week and also worked a lot from home, next to the holidays and having to look after the kids and hell of a house work.So I ended up having to take sd and BS to a doctors appointment, where they had to wait a while.SD pouted of course, so I treated them for Sushi in a restaurant.After that she complained she didnt wanted me to pick up my other son 12 from the movies since that would be a "day in the car" for her.Stupid princess.
At home SP7 interrupted every adult conversation that I tried to have with a friend who came by - even she wondered why she is not knowing that this is wrong by now.
Fourth thing went wrong- SO went back into all his old habits and overcoddled SD7 , called her his baby allover again and allowed her to hang all over him, like in their good old days.
By Saturday I was so annoyed about what I saw plus when I took all the children bowling she was glued to him all of the time!!! whinging that one of her bowling balls missed so SO ran to bring her one of those toddlers ladders to make her win.(At least he told her that it was not a real win after she tried to show off.)
Fifth thing went wrong- I found myself the first time being quite short and almost a bit unfriendly to SD.It was just too much, the whole week of being with her, trying to cope with everything else and a sheepish SO who fell back into being daughters slave.
sixth problem- sd wanted to go to a playground so I convinced the boys to go there, too, who were not keen.She came out again straight after a few minutes , glued herself on SO and asked what we would do next.So I told her that she was the one who wanted to go there at first.THEN SO TOLD ME OFF IN FRONT OF THE GRINNING CHILD THAT SHE WAS "ONLY ASKING".I was speechless and so hurt.After all these moth we tried to back each other up and stand up for each other.That was not necessary.He could have told me later, not in front of her.
Seventh problem-when we came finally home, I was really pissed off and SO knew, so instead of talking to me he felt the need to sit down with the spoiled child who had all entertainment you can ask for in the morning and play boardgames with her.
eighth problem- I exploded.When we finally talked I was overboiling and so stressed and hurt that I coulnd't hold it back any longer and told him exactly how I felt. So on top of them being stupid and hurtful all day I actually was not bringing it up in a calm and mature way I wanted to.I was JUST SO FRUSTRATED with all of it.
So we ended up talking- he came up that he also has similar problems with my son - he always does that btw.I think it is because he can't accept that his daughter has potential to cause anyone grief, so therefore it has at least to be another child who does the same.Whatever.
We talked about everything and calmed down a bit.He also finally said he wold agree to see a councellor, which I think is great.He also said that there is no way we let this harming our rs.And that we will work on it together.And how much he loves me.
The talk was very good and our Sunday was much better then.
Guys, I feel so drained from it and I still feel angry about the way he let me down in front of her.
How can I get my emotions to follow my heart and be more forgiving and patient????????????The whole s.....t 7 days on and off really got me to start with.
God help me if I have to deal with those issues every other week suddenly??
He was sooooo wonderful in the last few month, I can't stop crying when I think about how bad the end of the week was even though we talked and sunday was ok.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

NW, it is confusing.With wanting to be more forgiving I meant that he apologised and corrected his approach it the next day, so I don't want to hold on to the frustration anger I am experiencing and why I posting, I want to move on from it cause it's eating me up.
I mean ,in a rs you need to do compromises, and SO was seriously putting so much efforts into doing changes that helped me in the past! (So, technically he is not even an idiot at all to me. Blum 3 )
But yes, yes,yes, what happened Friday/Sat was definetely some doormat material and I will and CAN'T accept that anymore - I felt like vomitting!!!! :sick:

Poodle's picture

If he wants to keep this relationship sweet he must organise childcare with BM's family when he is not around to do it himself. He must promise never, never again to put you down in front of his kid and he must apologise to you for that last occasion in front of his kid, looking right into her face to check her facial expression as he does so. He must change the schedule back to what it was. Only then are you even in a position to beginning forgiving him.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Poodle, to ask him to apologise to me in front of her is probably now a bit late since we are on the 7 days off with her.
I will talk again to him tonight though to make it clear again that this can't be repeated under no circumstances.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

frustrated, yes, I can hear you, that is sooo wrong.But it sounds like your SO has learned from his mistake.
It affects me that I still feel hurt from the things that happened in the past - and when I try to talk to SO he tells me to look into the future.But we had another talk yesterday and he acknowledged first time fully that SD put me through hell of a lot at the beginning of our rs.He also told me that if he had the chance he would never say those things like on the playground again and he apologised.
I don;t want to be angry anymore, I want to enjoy life and be hopeful and happy again.
Thanks for your comment:))))xx

MichelleA's picture

My SO's 10 year old daughter is acting just the same at the moment. won't go and play with other kids, won't even play with her sister.... wants to be around 'adults' mainly myself and her father ALL THE TIME - even when it comes to the children's bedtime she wants to stay up with us. She 'catches' me on my own a lot and quizzes me about our sex life too! - I sympathise with you, I really do..... x

oncechoosetosmile's picture

eeewh, Michelle, SD7 also talks a lot about boobies and mentioned sex, she is only 7, grrrrrrr, go to your mum, kid.
Michelle, what are you doing to get your SD to play??????Are you sendin her away at times?x

MichelleA's picture

She is 10.... her mum is dead...... no-one has taught her boundaries.... seems it's going to be down to me... Sad

Yeah I keep trying to send her off to play with her younger sister (5)but she isn't interested in playing - she wants to be round the adults all the time.. Sad

oncechoosetosmile's picture

sigh, thats so tough.But it seems that feeling sorry for her by your husband hasn't really helped her.Maybe a clear conversation that it is not good manners for children to hang out with adults and that you expect her to find something to do could help??If she doesn't want to play with somebody else, she could entertain herself, eg drawing, watching a movie , whatever.She needs to be taught it is unacceptable.

MichelleA's picture

You are right - thanks. I will just have to try and find the right words to say this when it happens again at the weekend... I don't want to uspet her but she needs to remember she is only a child and not an adult.....