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Sleeping situation

Maisygeorgia's picture

Boyfriend just moved into my house. Had 2 boys 5 and 7. Their mother was completely fine with them visiting here prior to him moving in. During each over night visit either to his house or mine I would sleep in a spare bedroom out of respect for the children. We did not do any over nights for several months.

Anyway now that he's here the boys are coming and she's flipping out saying that it will psychologically damage them if my BF and I sleep in the same room together. I have 2 children as well and a decent size house so plenty of space for everyone. I think that off the bat they should know that this is their dads new home and we should establish a sleeping routine from the get go. Suddenly is 7 year old is asking where his dad is sleeping...she obviously planted that in his head because on the numerous other visits he and his brother slept in my room with their dad and I stayed with my daughter.

His ex says they will never come here again if we sleep in the bed together. They do not have an agreement on place. They are just starting the divorce process/custody now.

I was in her shoes with my ex and his GF and I was never so intrusive. I am extremely respectful of his kids feelings. I don't show affection in front of them toward their father. Not even a kids hello. I was also in this situation as a child (had a step mother and step father) plus was in her shoes. I want the best for the boys but think this is a manipulation,

I think we need to set a routine off the bat. She says we 'can't' sleep in the room together unless a therapist says its ok for the kids? I've never heard of that. She has yet to make an appointment. And perhaps should have done so when she moved out and left their father for her married coworker. That's not panning out so I really think its a control jealousy thing about the sleeping...
Anyway looking for some guidance.
Even if you think I'm wrong Smile

Orange County Ca's picture

It certainly sounds like she's coming off the fact that her shack job didn't work out.

Well studies are now showing that children of single parent homes do better in school and socially than children of step-homes. This has been suspected by teachers and other child health care professionals for decades but now formal studies are backing it up. Intuitively most people can understand how children would accept parents who simply aren't living together as opposed to parents who have permanently rejected the very union that brought them into existence.

Which is to say she's right. Of course as soon as a new stud comes along her attitude may very well change. But that doesn't give Daddy an excuse does it?

If you've poked around this site and similar ones you'll get an idea of how much grief and horror would not be in this world if parents didn't re-marry or cohabitate until their children were grown. It depends on if you want to be a party to it or not.

tessa12's picture

Can you send a link to these studies? You always say this, and I find it really upsetting on a step-parenting website. I'll go out on a limb and say these studies are about fifty years old, and regardless, the real issue is whether children are raised in a healthy environment -- whether it be with one or two responsible adults who love and care for them.

sixteensmom's picture

fwiw, my own little study --

my three kids had two homes with two step parents, and bio parents who got along and are still friends.
each was an honor student, high school all star athletes, 2 played d1 college sports, each played a musical instrument, each were active in volunteering and churches. all three are now successful college grads with full time jobs, and 2 have started families of their own.

dh three kids were raised mostly by their bm. none did any extracurricular activities, 2 finished hs with a c avg, one with a b. none went to college from hs, have worked at burger joints and ice cream shops some community college. one finally finished and got a ft time job. at age 27 he lives at home with momma.

all that said, it doesn't answer op question.

OP - it's not up to bm to tell you and bf where you can sleep. you're right. this is now his home and he's going to sleep with you as a couple in your bedroom. as long as the boys have a safe place to sleep, that's where they'll be. the bm cannot keep the boys from their dad or his overnights because she doesn't like his sleeping arrangement.

JingerVZ's picture

She has no right to say what goes on in your home. I would suggest you set up sleeping arrangements the way you want.

Her little issue is going to be the start of all the control and meddling issues you are going to have with her. Mark my words, BM from hell in process.
Set firm and strong boundaries now - and just ignore her nonsense.

fakemommy's picture

Depending on what state you live in, she could have it that you guys can't live together at all until you're married. In some states that is automatic.

But I agree, it is none of her business. When the 7 yr old asks, tell him it is none of his business and it is an adult issue.

JingerVZ's picture

Which states are those? You actually shocked me with this.

Jeez, they regulate your bedroom at State level too? What if my choice was never to get married? Are they gonna arrest me for sleeping with my life partner?
What a bunch of antiquated prudes.

MamaFox's picture

In Oklahoma it is VERY common to have co-habitation rule in the CO that is usually something like...

"Neither parent of the child is allowed to have an opposite sex partner(unmarried romantic partner) sleep in the same residence as the parent when a minor child is present during parenting time"

MamaFox's picture

Honey it's still legal to shoot at a party of more than three american indians on your land (Considered a raiding party). And It's illegal to hunt whales. In OKLAHOMA.....btw...Oklahoma is a land locked state in the middle of the country. Gay sex and marriage will be illegal here until we're all covered in ten feet of ash by the volcano in washington state.

tessa12's picture

Even your "study" doesn't indicate what you're saying, "Research indicates that, on average, children who grow up in families with both their biological parents in a low-conflict marriage are better off in a number of ways than children who grow up in single-, step- or cohabiting-parent households. Compared to children who are raised by their married parents, children in other family types are more likely to achieve lower levels of education, to become teen parents, and to experience health, behavior, and mental health problems. And children in single- and cohabiting-parent families are more likely to be poor."

Rags's picture

"Most researchers now agree that together these studies support the notion that, on average, children do best when raised by their two married, biological1 parents who have low-conflict relationships."

Really? Wow. Who would have thunk it.

Kids raised in intact families or stable two partner/parent households have better outcomes than kids not raised in similar households. SUR-FRICKIN-PRISE!!!

Kids raised in stable living conditions fare better than kids raised in unstable or transient conditions. Shocker there.

Kids raised by intact biological parent families, committed partner relationships, or step families have better outcome than kids from single parent families. Nooooooo! How is that possible?

What I want to know is how frickin stupid are the researchers who don't agree. They need to be culled from the gene pool.

It chaps my ass that this study was even done. The entire course of human history has proven that parent paring is the best way to raise offspring. Someone had to study this?

This is nothing more than the pseudo science morons having to justify their employment in order to continue their seemingly never ending quest to extort money from taxpayers.

Maisygeorgia's picture

Still reading but will answer a few...just starting process now because he's from Ireland and she didn't help him get his green card until 6 months ago after they had been separated for 2 years. They were together 8 years and she would hold it over his head to control him saying she was going to have him deported to Ireland and he would never see the boys again. Now that he has it she is trying to control in other ways

I'm in NY...very liberal here. My ex lives with his GF and the courts told me since its their fathers home nothing I could do about it. Which was fine because we are on good terms. Ex h and his GF are not planning on getting married...

Maisygeorgia's picture

We have been together for 2 years as well... In terms of custody he raised the boys from infancy...she's also has been getting a Ritalin prescription for their 5 year old and taking his pills and was prosecuted for doctor shopping...she makes a decent living in a bank but is getting evicted from her rental home for non payment. She's currently a squatter in the home. I own my home and we have a stable environment for the boys. I work part time and he has his own business. We did this really FOR the boys as well as ourselves to give them stability.

Maisygeorgia's picture

I hope I have cleared up anyone who thinks that moving in together was selfish or poor timing as my BF and his ex have been apart for 2 years... The boys were 3 and 5 at the time...
In my opinion she should not have had them around her married boyfriend while he was living with his wife...
We have been very responsible I think..,

Maisygeorgia's picture

Yup they said they were separated
But they were married 8 years and had 2 children so the immigration interviewer approved on the spot
As it obviously wasn't a scam marriage...different topic though but wanted to address it for anyone with questions

Very complicated.

Maisygeorgia's picture

And this is also why I'm confused
She said this about a month ago
Changed some info for privacy but u get the idea

Thanks so much for your text last night. I apologize for taking so long to respond. I'm really grateful that you're so open to communication & there's no animosity. I put the boys first & am so pleased that you look out for their interests. I want everyone to be happy at the end of the day & feel like we're all finally getting there. The boys talk all the time about playing with your kids & have nothing but nice things to say about you. It makes me happy that they're happy. And he may not believe it, but it makes me happy that he is happy too. He deserves it. I'm glad you can share what it's like to have kids who spend weekends with other people because you know what it's like to worry. My mind is really at ease when they're with you guys because they come back happy & you're a mother too.

Maisygeorgia's picture

I went through the same thing on her end 3 years ago. Only problem I had is ex wouldn't give me his address or tell me his GFs name. Court made him give me the info but told me as that is the fathers legal residence I was not able to prevent them from staying there...
There is really nothing she can do about it. Thing is she doesn't want the boys around all the time. She works until 8 or 9 sometimes...likes to go out after work...likes her single lifestyle. There were many times where she asked if we would keep them longer. It's really just an issue with the bedroom which she should not be involved in.

Would a therapist even do am eval and report back "ok the children are ready for u to sleep in the same room" lol

They boys should have been taken to a therapist long when she moved it's all on us and our sleeping situation

Rags's picture

BM is an idiot. Daddy's time, BH has nothing to say about what goes on during daddy's time and regarding what daddy decides to do in his home, with his partner.

BM can STFU. If she withholds visitation then your BF needs to shred her ass in court.

IMHO of course.

tiny kitten's picture

Tell her to kick rocks.
If BM ever tried to tell SO and I where I could sleep, that's what I'd have done. Especially since BM is incapable of having proper relationships, so we think it's healthy for SD to see what a healthy romantic relationship is- including sleeping in the same bed.
As long as you're not going at it in front of the kids, you're fine.

Also, I'm in the same position as you- my SO has been legally separated for five years, we've been together for 2.5 years, they're still legally married. BM had a baby by another man nineteen months ago.
My parents put off their divorce for ten years. Dad had several relationships and got engaged before they finalised their divorce. My sister and I survived. My sister no longer speaks to my dad for unrelated reasons, but I have a good relationship with my mum, my dad, AND my stepmother. Just a disclaimer: I was much older, an adult when my dad remarried, so your mileage may vary Wink

Good luck!

Rags's picture