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Sleeping with children

smkedich's picture

My wife and I are discussing her and my stepdaughters sleeping habits. She just turned six and my wife has been sleeping with her the entire 3 years I've know them. We married over a year ago and assumed this would be ending. And it does sometimes. Maybe a day or two, maybe a week, but it's prescience is always felt. I've never handled it well, moving in between anger and bargaining with my wife. I've told her how much it not only bothers me, but how my heart hurts. I should mention I work about 60 hours a week, so time awake with my wife is at a premium. I've been told to let it go, that it only reinforces the action, etc. I guess I need to know what I can do? I feel like I have a roommate, not a wife. Thanks

4evernotamom's picture

Speaking from experience, it is not a good idea to let children sleep with parents. They will not learn to soothe themselves, they will think they HAVE to sleep with someone in order to feel comfortable or safe, this could translate into dependency on another person or that they have to be in bed with someone to feel ok. We are going through this with my SD 14. It is not a good idea to continue this. Allowing them to learn that change is ok will help them in life, help them learn they can cope, learn and grow. Not allowing them that now will hinder them as they grow.

smkedich's picture

How can I speak to her mother without getting shut down? My wife says she's just too tired to get up from her daughters bed, so she stays.

Kilgore SMom's picture

I agree that it should be stopped for the reason 4evernotamom ^^^ said. I see this as your wife putting a barrier between you. Theres something wrong. You need to talk to your wife and ask question???????????????

Drac0's picture

smkedich, surely your wife must know that eventually SD must sleep by herself right?

In my experience, the longer you encourage co-sleeping with a child the LONGER it will take for the child to break the habbit.

When I met DW and SS, he was 6 and they were co-sleeping. DW knew it was wrong but they were living in a three-and-a-half and DW kept saying that "eventually" she'll take measures to break the habit. It took TWO YEARS to successfully break the habit. So let me tell you that you better have bucket-loads of patience. My SS came up with any and all excuses to avoid going to bed by himself. We tried positive reinforcement. We tried negative reinforcement. Nothing worked. Even now, at the age of 13, he will still refuse to go to sleep unless DW sits down with him to chat for a little bit and tuck him in. I kid you not. It unverves me to no end but this is how it is for us. Fortunately, DW no longer lies down with him and I have "happy sack-time" with my wife once again.

Meanwhile, my BS is 4 and we got him to sleep alone in his own bed at the age of 2. Sometimes I will lay down with him but most days, I just lay down next to him and read him a story and then kiss him goodnight and leave the room. My BS never once cried. Going to sleep on his own just seemed normal.

So unless your wife is ready to take strides to stop this habit, it could potentially go on straight into SD's teens. Ask your wife if this is what she wants. If she is going to stop the habit, you both need to be on the same page and come up with a stable game-plan.

No, you won't stop the co-sleeping outright. Like with my SS it had to be in stages. Like I said, DW will sit at the foot of SS's bad and talk to him for a little bit but this is the last stage in the "evolution" of our co-sleeping drama. My SS is just a needy kid. He depends on his mother so much.

gaviotas's picture

I do not agree with this practice. In my experience, BM sleeps with her daughter (my SD8) 2 or 3 times a week. Now his new boyfriend moved in, so they share the same bed.
I think it can affect the couple as you do not have intimacy, also it is not good for the child either. I read some reports from psychologists and they agree kids cosleeping with parents are less independent, and have difficulty dealing with boundaries and also sleeping/feeding problems.

To stop this habit: Try to explain the disadvantages and how you feel. Explain that it might affect the relationship and it is not good for the kid. Also try to get advice from a pediatrician or psychologist, so you are supported by a professional view.

smkedich's picture

First, thank you all for your input. As it relates to assisting my wife in her ability to remove her from her daughters bed, I have gone in too numerous to count to wake her up, only to have her roll over and continue sleeping. I've gotten up myself and sat on the child's bed till she slept, but working so much makes it hard on me. Yes, I almost got fired for my inability to do my work. As for intimacy, not sure. We are, sporadically, but this distance I've felt is causing me to find my wife less attractive, which hurts because she's beautiful inside and out. She also talks of having a child together, but, excuse my humor, how will all three of them fit in a single bed. It is a real concern having another child.

gaviotas's picture

A friend of mine slept on the floor next to her daughter until she fell asleep. She did it for a couple of months, and the habit changed. It worked for her.

First you need to solve this issue, step by step and your problem can be solved easily if your wife understands your concern.

Wish you the best and a fast solution to this situation

smkedich's picture

I sincerely thank all of you for your heartfelt opinions. I should have stated in my first post that I love my wife and her daughter with all that I have. I hope one day The Lord can get thru to her in a way I just can't. Till then, the left side of our bed will stay cold.
End of thread

sc12's picture

Coming from a womans point of view. I feel that way to sometimes about my husband. I love my husband and I know he loves me but he works about 12 hours a day and than comes home and goes to his shop and works on cars all night long. most nights he doesnt even sleep in our room he sleeps in the living room on the couch or recliner. This isnt good because I am 7 months pregnant with our second child and looking like because of all the stress I have been under he may be coming early. My ss is 5 and lives in a different state so that isnt an issue but we have a 16 month old as well. I tell him how I feel and we have fought alot lately and I told him flat out one night that I thought it would be better if I took the boys and left because we were keeping him from what he wanted to do and holding him back. He didnt really have a response for that.
Its hard sometimes and all I can say is if you want to marriage to last find something to do to make it last. Go on date nights, sometimes getting out and away helps. Do something to liven up the spark that was there. Its hard but if you get lazy at your relationship thats where it will end up. Do something that involves just the two of you. Then do something that involves everyone, like the zoo or something. I hope things work out. Granted it wasnt stated but I can tell that you love her otherwise why would you have come fore help.

indie68's picture

Oh no. No no no. I feel really bad for you. She's enabling it and putting you second. Not cool. I would be angry as well...DH used to do this when SS was small and I would often go to the couch because the bed was too small and SS would throw himself about the bed and kick me while sleeping. Once we transitioned him, he couldn't sleep and so we were up all night. Freaking nightmare. I hope she wakes up and listens to you Sad