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SKID(s) and Disney Dad, driving me nuts...

haditup2here's picture

Me, Bio mom of 4, 3 from previous marriage
Him, Bio dad of 5, 4 from previous marriage
(we have a 1yr old together)

DBF and I were married for 2 years, divorced for almost 1 year, however never really stopped being in a relationship. We now have separate residences, but for the most part live as a family unit at my residence, with my 3 bio kids from previous, and our 1 yr old DD.

DBF 4 boys come visit 3-12 times a year, depending on schedules,and finances, they live 5 hours away.

Just recently had them for a 2 week visit, in my home.

Problem: DBF, disney Dads it all the way. My house rules don't apply to skids apparently. They do not have a bed time. They play video games non stop. They break expensive toys, and the biggest issue I have is that the youngest is 10.5yr old, still wets the bed, simply because he is scared to get up and go to the bathroom at night, even though I leave every freaking light in the house on, so he still wears pull ups, follows his dad around and says "I love you DaDa" every 30-60 minutes, has an all out temper tantrum, crying, throwing toys, being hateful, if he is not treated like a king, and allowed to do anything and everything he wants. So BF pretty much caters to him non stop.

Where this all comes to a head is my home, BF is still considered full time SD to my kids. He parents them as I do. When my 5 yr old has a potty accident, he is to lose a privelege, such as gaming, since he usually won't stop playing a game to go to the bathroom.

My 6 yr old, tends to have tantrums, and BF had no problem disciplining her for her tantrum. Yet his 10.5 yr old doesn't have any consequences.

My final solution to this problem, was to advise BF in the future, visits with the skids should be done at his home, that way they can all do whatever they want, I won't see it, my kids here won't see the difference in parenting, and then I won't be upset, and he can enjoy his time with his children.

He became upset, defending his actions, as if everyone should cater to these guys, because they aren't here much, and then stated he would no longer watch or help out with my children, and would start residing at his home permanently, yet wants to maintain a relationship.

Why does it have to be so darn difficult, to get a man to understand, that allowing his children to act like fools for the 2 weeks that they are here, is not good parenting, especially when it takes place in my home, where there are rules?

He is only teaching them, that in life, if there is a special circumstance, then the rules don't apply, which is rarely the case...

I honestly can not stand the 10.5 yr old skid anymore, because he totally manipulates the situation, and although it is not his fault for what his father allows him to do, I just don't want to deal with the BS anymore.

SKIDs when they come, refuse to eat hamburger helper, mac/cheese, spaghetti, or cheap anything. They demand steak, tacos, grocery store shopping sprees to buy all name brand food, and their Dad allows it, and then it takes at least a month to recover financially from their visit.

When they are here, we have a household of 10 to feed, and they are all growing boys between 10.5 and 16. I wouldn't mind the steak thing, but if we fix steak, they want like 3 a piece.

I hate to be nit picky about his crap, but honestly, they complain they don't see their Dad much, and if they could quit demanding to be treated like royalty and their Dad would stop treating them as such, maybe we could afford more visits, as for the 2 weeks they were here, food cost me over $500.

Any suggestions?

haditup2here's picture

Bottom line, BF can't afford it on his own. We divorced last year, because he was an alcoholic, and was out on a binge, left the marital home, and left me holding the bag on all the finances.

I filed for divorce after he was out of the home for a month, and after having our daughter, while he was out drunk.

He went to rehab after I filed. I decided to give him a chance, since he went to rehab, yet I continued with the divorce. Since he was too drunk to even attend court I went for everything, and I got everything. He has now been sober a year on Sunday. Smile

He does not own a vehicle, has little furnishings, and limited resources, due to his financial status he created in his drinking days. Not my problem.

His child support is set at an insane amount, but he won't get off his butt and do anything about it, again not my problem. Consequently that leaves him with just enough money to pay his bills, and eat.

In order for BF to have his children visit, (financially), it takes both of us, and our combined finances. I have cable/internet/PS3 at my home. I have things the boys like to do at my home. Together we both can juggle finances to be able to pay for the gas and usually the food and anything extra to do with all the kids when the boys come visit.

That is what is really ticking me off, as well. I really don't want to feel used, but the bottom line is I do feel that way. Without me, he wouldn't even be able to get his boys for visitation as he couldn't afford it at all. I am completely open with my kids about finances and the situation at hand, he completely protects his children from that info. So, the end result is they are here, eating like Kings, breaking $150 worth of my gaming system, and kids toys, being disrespectful and rude, and demanding their Dad give them 100% of undivided attention, and he goes right along with it, and then financially we are playing catch up for a month.

It puts our/my family unit in a huge financial bind, and it ends up being a rather miserable visit for myself and my children as well.

Don't get me wrong, I do love these guys, but I have had it with feeling like they deserve the red carpet treatment, at everyone elses expense.

I'm on a roll here, so bare with me...I just went to the thrift store 2 days ago, to find my kids some clothes for school, as our budget is super tight, AND I love thrift stores anyways. I usually find some awesome deals on clothes, and even brand new items for a buck, so not complaining that I was shopping there....but BF has a little fit about how it must be nice to go thrifting all day for my kids, and how I shouldn't be out spending money on them if I have a problem feeding his kids steak.

Um, I get child support to help care for my kids. BF pays a huge amount of child support to help care for his kids. I am sorry if their BM prefers to dress herself with that money, instead of the kids, again, not my problem.

You see, we have a ton of issues that carry on, when these guys come to visit.

mommylove's picture

Sounds like your issue is more with your (x)H than his kids. I understand, really I do. I WISH I could get my H to get his own place & we stay together as a couple - that is my DREAM scenario! I love my H & we love our children, but living with him & being married to him...well...I'm still waiting for the positives to outweigh the negatives!

Tx mommy of 3's picture

As far as the pullups on a 10 year his bm. Tell her you're 'concerned' about his accidents and pullup wearing and should he be evaluated by a dr to see if there is medically something wrong? Chances are he only does it at your house (because of jealousy towards your 1 yo) and she hasno idea it goes on at your house. Then talk to ss about the same thing- if he keeps having accidents then maybe he needs to go to the dr. Betcha it'll stop! Also, next time bf wants to have his boys over, plan to be gone. Out of town or something, maybe visit family nearby? Leave the fridge bare and no money for him. Then let HIM figure out what to do with HIS kids.

haditup2here's picture

Yes, pretty upset with BF. LOL at Mommylove. Too funny. BM refuses to talk to me, since I don't baby her kids.

I agree most of it is BF fault, for lack of consistent parenting and visitation, however when dealing with young teens, I would still expect them to understand simply english and the rules of my home?