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Should step parents follow step kids on social media?

sakurachan's picture

What are the views on step parents following step kids on social media? My husband has two daughters that he allowed to have instagram accounts even though bm is against it. He told his daughters to keep it to themselves, but I know she's going to find at some point. My husband feels their is nothing wrong with his daughters having social media in their lives. BM gave their oldest daughter a cell phone but she has every restriction enabled she possibly can. The daughter is only allowed certain contacts, no friends and no extended family. She just barely approved me as a contact.

They want to follow me and my children, I told sd's that they could not follow my kids but I am allowing them to follow me, mostly so I can make sure they are being safe, but this comes at a big risk for me due to the fact that bm hates me.

Thoughts ?

MrsCancer1973's picture

Hell, I dont like seeing the two living fflea infested gorilla turds in person, let alone social media. I blocked them and talk shit on them on my page on a daily.

onthefence2's picture

You're in a pickle. Normally I don't see anything wrong with sparents and skids following one another. But your husband has made the entire thing messed up. He needs to be honest to their mom and state why he feels it's okay for them to have the accounts. Going behind her back just makes it uncomfortable for everyone and teaches the girls nothing. It sounds like he's the typical Disney dad wanting to give them whatever they want. If he truly feels they should have the accounts despite Mom's disagreement, he should be able to back up his reasoning with facts. Not that mom can control what goes on at his house, but at least everyone else won't feel weird about the whole thing. If you do it on the down low, she will find out eventually anyway. Ask me how I found out a guy I was dating was married...supposedly he didn't have a facebook account, but turns out we had a mutual friend and he posted something on his account that showed up on mine.

still learning's picture

^^^YES YES YES... Skids and social media don't mix. ANYTHING you post will be used against you. They'll likely get jealous and take everything out of context. Then when BM does find out it will be all your fault. Block them, let DH monitor and follow them. Stay way out of it!

still learning's picture

True, nothing you put out there is "private," and with FaceBook and other sites constantly changing their settings you could be in for a surprise when all of your posts are suddenly public. That happened a few years ago.

In my experience w/skids and social media, a photo of DH and I set them off. Posting about my child's accomplishment and DH "liking" it set them off. Having one skid as a friend and not the other was noticed and everyone had their opinion of why ss30 and I weren't "friends." If I missed a photo of the grandskid and didn't like it, god forbid. Everything was used against me and it was just a huge drama fest. Facebook is strictly business and networking for me now. DH is not even my "friend."

Shaman29's picture

Uberskank (BM) was like your H. My H felt skid (who at the time was twelve) was too young (immature) for social media. At the time he had full legal and physical custody (Uberskank had EOWE visits only) and it was his decision. However, Uberskank opened up an account for skid and allowed her to use it whenever she wanted.

Tell your skids (and your H) the truth. You're uncomfortable allowing them access to your page simply because their parents are not in agreement on this subject and you don't want to be caught in the middle. Then unfriend them and block them.

My skid is now twenty and we have several mutual friends (family members) on FB. But as Uberskank knows the passwords to her account, I have blocked them both. I don't mind skid so much but I don't want Uberskank knowing our business.

In both cases (yours and mine), it's a jerk move to go against the other parent's feelings or decisions on these kinds of subjects. Your H and the BM in our case are only wanting to win points and be the fun parent. They are only doing it (or did it in my case) to get back at the other parent. And they're using their kids as a tool to do it.

In both cases, there is a reason the BM in your life and my H (at the time) felt it wasn't okay for the skids to be on social media. To go against the other parent, without any discussion or compromise, is wrong.

And if the BM already hates you, you will get the blame for everything. Especially when she finds out you are friends with your skids and not only did your H go against her wishes but you did as well.

sakurachan's picture

Thank you for your reply! My husband knows my feelings. I told him if he was going to allow his daughters to have instagram accounts he had to be the one to set them up, I told him I wasn't going to do it for them nor were my children so he allowed a cousin to do it for them. The bm is so controlling and I know he wants them to have a normal life but I have a bad feeling about this. And when I say controlling I mean CONTROLLING (oh and she has a PhD in psychology )

I also find it interesting that sk's are willing to keep their mouths shut when it suits them and then throw me or my children under the bus when they want to pass the "trouble buck". Someone explain to me why that's ok for them to do that?

sakurachan's picture

This is why I'm thinking I need to follow the SD's, my husband probably won't keep up on it. He is a Disney Dad to some degree. My ex isn't in the picture by his choice so I allow my kids certain freedoms if they follow the rules and get good grades. Because my SD's are somewhat immature I think my husband and his daughters are asking for trouble. My husband wants the same freedoms for his daughters but when your ex is still in the decision making process and ex wife is a scary control freak the "game" has to be played very differently.

classyNJ's picture

My SS's have facebook and instagram. I'm only friends with SS17 as he only uses facebook for the invites but since I take all the pics of us we do follow each other on instagram. I don't "stalk" and only look when he tells me he posted a pic. Our security settings are high and instagram is only our families and closest friends.

SS13 requests all the time but I won't accept him per DH request. DH does not believe in any social media and only has email.

sakurachan's picture

Oh don't worry, she has threatened those girls within an inch of their lives if they told us anything about their life or their bm's life. Their life at bm house is very unhealthy they are extremely scared of their bm, it's so sad really.

I think my husband feels bad because my kids have social media accounts (my ex is not in the picture by his own choice ) so I don't have to worry about my ex putting his 2 cents in. My kids are allowed certain freedoms from me while stk's mom has them on lock down 24 7.

I have really great responsible kids and so I'm ok giving them certain freedoms within reason as long as they obey the rules and get good grades. Sk's are good kids too but they are fairly immature because they haven't had to deal with major life challenges like my kids and I have so I think they are going to log in to their instagram accounts at their mom'said house because they can't contain their excitement about this new found freedom. BM will find out and I have told this to my husband and his kids, but they are willing to take the risk. Thus the reason I will not allow my kids to be followed by their step siblings. And I'm considering blocking them too but I'm concerned my hubby won't keep up on them.

Raggles's picture

Never been 'friends' in real life let alone on social media with eldest skid. She has the hump because she is blocked!!
Sd18 i was friends with before she knew about SO and myself but over the last year i have also deleted and blocked due to her disgusting disrepectful behaviour. I have not folllowed or engaged with sd16 on fb but neither will i block her as qe have a decent relationshiip.
My experience its not worth the agro of being involved with social media with anyone that you dont class as a true friend. My fb is locked down tight and only true friends have access.

sakurachan's picture

I completely understand your sentiment lol! I want to support my sd's and I want them to be happy, but I see this blowing up at some point. I've been on BM's hit list since my husband and I got married it's sad really.

Thanks for your reply!

Rags's picture

If the SKid invites the SParent and the SParent accepts.... sure... why not. Assuming everyone involved is old enough to have the specific social media accounts.

Java_Junkie's picture

It depends on the relationship, but I'd say, generally, no.

DW friended my BioKids, and every post my son made elicited a "WTH" type of reaction from her to me. It has become so odd that I have unfriended my own kids on FB and have deactivated my FB account. DW was even starting to give me oddball looks when I'd post something, so IMO, social media is just plain awkward. I may reactivate at some point, I don't know... She seems to think that everyone should only *like* funny animal videos, but never really comment on anything, and I don't mind commenting (which seems to bug her).

I don't know... maybe DW and I have a problem.

Java_Junkie's picture

And as an aside... keeping a kid off of social media is like keeping teens from pharming your cabinet. They will do it if they want to, and they know how to hide it in ways you never would have thought. OP's SD's BM may have her head in the sand on this. If you think you can keep an eye on them by "friending" or "following" them, you've got your head in the sand, too. If I was in the driver's seat on those decisions, I'd say no internet access or apps until after:
- they know the opposite sex doesn't have cooties (immaturity never goes well online)
- they know that storks don't bring babies home (immaturity, right?)
- they know what causes pregnancy (maturity AND they paid attention to *the movie* in school)
- the thought of being a parent before having a driver's license is scarier than being snagged in a Daesh prison camp (maturity AND a dose of reality)
- they have a *pretty good idea* what their *REALISTIC* post-high school plans are - with a Plan B (maturity AND a PLAN that doesn't center itself on being a YouTube or Rap sensation or being a professional athlete UNLESS the kid has what it ACTUALLY TAKES to do that)

...and I'd revoke the device as soon as I saw them getting lax on more than one of the above. I'd even say that anyone who obsesses over making selfies (as in, makes several a week or more) has a problem - and no minors should post a belfie, ever. "Right to freedom of speech? Ha, once you move your patootie outta here and start paying all your own bills and are responsible for your own mistakes, then rock on... until then, NOPE. When I was your age, I would think what I am telling you is stifling... at my age, I know I'm right... and when you turn my age, you'll see what I mean and you'll be thankful that I had your back enough to tell you NO. So, again, let me be clear, NO. Not because I'm mean, but because I love you and have something better than x-ray vision, I have experience."

StepMomT's picture

My DH ex2 allows their just turned 10 yr olds to be on Snapchat, Facebook - and they said she signed them up for Facebook so they can play slots...

At our house we don't allow screens at all - no Ipad, Ipod, no phones, only video games are Wii sports. They know this, ex2 knows this - and it makes for kids that actually play outside. Our other reason for no wifi is that if something they brought to our place - like an Ipad got broken - we don't want to be on the hook to replace it. She can buy them all that stuff but we don't have to.

For Ex2 (BM) - giving them these things is a babysitter. She also bought the 10 yr old son a 52" monitor for his bedroom so he can really see when he plays Call of Duty..