You are here

Should I take him or let mom?

Stepmom26745294's picture

Back story. Read my other posts if I don’t cover it all but BM has been a complete and utter nightmare. She is constantly trying to insert herself on DH’s custody time, demanding he tell her how he’s going to get both kids to sports when they have games/practices on his time (I can drive one and he can drive the other) it’s up to him to decide on his parenting time the logistics but she’s always getting mad, upset, telling the kids I hate her. She threw our front door open yelling at DH that she had every right to take “her” children whenever she wants whether it’s his parenting time or hers. I’m not their mother, she is so they should never be with me if DH isn’t with them ect. So this weekend he’s taking older SS to his swim meet 1.5 hours away. He’s driving both there and back on Saturday and Sunday because she was going to take the youngest for the weekend so oldest bro could stay at the meet all weekend but when DH asked if he could have him overnight on Sunday because he’s missing his weekend with him she says no so now he’s going to take both kids this weekend, drive oldest there and back and spend time with both his sons. Win/win! However, now she’s thriwing a fit. She does not want me to take youngest to baseball. She feels it should be her. She wants him to explain why he changed plans because now she made plans with the younger one this weekend, she asking him if it’s because of money and telling him he needs to explain to her how he’s going to get youngest to his game ect... she knows I can take him. She just wants to fight with him when he tells her that. So, I’m torn. I do think the other parent should take the child when the other can’t but at the same time, this is her plan to sabotage any time we have with the kids and she’s not allowed at my house because of her past behavior and the baseball field is literally around the corner from my house and her house is about 15 minutes away so driving him to her doesn’t make sense. What would you do? She makes everything we agree in seen wrong. 

ESMOD's picture

Do they have right of first refusal in their CO?  If they do not.. then while she may care.. there is likely nothing that she can do about who her exhusband has around the kids.  She lost that power when she divorced him.  Obviously if someone is a danger or abusive.. she can call the authorities.. but just because she doesn't "like" his GF?  pfffft  she can suck an egg.

Stepmom26745294's picture

They have right of first refusal for overnights. She doesn’t like me? She’s never even talked to me and we have been together 2.5 years and just got married and she only gives me dirty looks. Lol!! Never spoke to me except screaming at me when I joined DH in therapy with her to try and communicate with her to better the coparenting relationship. That went real bad! DH broke his wrist one day and he ran to urgent care in pain and the kids were with me for a couple of hours. She found out and lost her mind screaming at him because she felt he should have drove the kids home to be with her instead of them “being stuck” with me as she put it. The kids love me. We have an amazing relationship and my oldest stepson in my little side kick. He even called me the best stepmom in the world and hugged me one day. I thought lasers were literally going to come out of her eyes and knock me down. She HATES that they like me and tries to get them against me. She lied to her son and told him me and m kids would probably not show up at his party because I hate her so much. Uhhh it was at her house and she didn’t invited us which is fine but she told him she did and we won’t come because we hate her. She’s a monster.

ESMOD's picture

Unless it is a violation of the CO.. and it sounds like it is not.. your DH needs to grow a pair with her and explain that it is NOT HER CALL.   When he has custody.. he is the parent in control and can make this decision without her consent.. period.  

Now.. for you?  Block her number.. do not answer her calls or texts.. if she comes to your home.. call the police.  do not confront or get into it with her.  

this is your husband's battle to fight.. not yours.

Stepmom26745294's picture

Thank you. Ohhh I have ZERO contact with her. I refuse to let her have my number or come to our home. I have nothing to do with her. The only reason I ask is because I read a lot and I hear conflicting things. 1) it’s dad’s time his decision or 2) if one parent can’t take the child the other parent should be able to. He shouldn’t be asking stepmom 

So which is the right way to go? It feels like no matter what we do we are always wrong.

hereiam's picture

Your number 2 applies if the the step mom doesn't want to do it or there is a ROFR. If you have no problem with it here and there, fine. The problem arises when men EXPECT their wives to do all of their parenting for them.

You do what is right for your family at the time. If you want to take him and don't feel it's an impostition, take him.

ESMOD's picture

some people have a ROFR that stipulates that the other parent gets the option of time with the child if their custodial parent can't be there.. you said yours just states that it is for overnights.. so unless the CO stipulates that the children cannot ride with someone that is not their parent.. she has zero say.

Now.. YOU have a say.  If YOU don't want to transport his kid?  you can tell him.. I don't want to drive him.. and then it is Dad's decision on how to deal.. does he get another child's parent to do it?  does he ask his EX?  again.. HIS decision.

It's not really too confusing at all.

As a step parent.. you do not have an obligation to babysit or transport your stepchild (note if the agreement between a spouse is that as a SAHM you will do it.. this doesn't apply).

So.. yes.. the child is there to see the bio parent.. so if the bio parent can't be there.. then the STEPPARENT can tell their SO that they do not want the responsibility.  But.. the OTHER bio parent can't make that call unless the CO says they have the ROFR.

The EXW can't tell him that you can't drive.. any more than she can't tell him he can't let his kid ride with the coach or another parent.. or the substitute bus driver etc... dad's time? dad's call. (with SP veto)

Stepmom26745294's picture

He did and wants me to take him and leave BM outvof our weekend but I feel stuck in the middle because she is going to lose it and cause issues. Not sure it’s worth it to listen to her rant and rave for days about how she is mother and has all the rights. 

ESMOD's picture

Have 911 ready for speed dial.  Have a copy of your husband's custody order with a written note from him that states he has asked you to transport the kid to his practice.  She comes at you?  dial that number.. and when the cops arrive.. get your husband on the phone.  

Do not address her.  Do not respond to anything she asks you.. or says to you..simply state that you have called the police and will wait for them to show up and deal with the situation.

hereiam's picture

Look, if you ever want this to change, it has to start now. Yes, she will throw some fits because she is not used to being stood up to, but she has to learn that neither you nor your DH are going to continue to let her call the shots and walk all over you.

She knows that her throwing tantrums gets her what she wants, just like a 2 year old learns this.

Time for her to learn that she does NOT have all of the rights.

Stepmom26745294's picture

We do. She will then involve the kids and lie to them when she doesn’t get what she wants. It’s a nightmare. 

Winterglow's picture

When she started asking him how he was going to get them both to their respective sports, he should have calmly said "that's my problem, not yours" and put the phone down. 

She doesn't call to discuss, she calls to argue.

Stepmom26745294's picture

She texted her and he ignored her. He texted her back today and said “change of plans. Kids will both be where they need to be. I’ll oick them up at 5:30 as usually “ 

 

ya’ll we don’t give in. She absolutely does not get the hint! This isn’t him, it’s me. I have no problem taking my stepson. I just don’t want to deal with her! He never gives into her. Ever. She literally doesn’t get it. 

Ispofacto's picture

As long as DH is following the CO, BM is not entitled to any explanations, so he should ignore her.

He needs to go to written communication only.  She should have no channel to chew him out.

She will alienate the skids regardless of what he does.

Order a copy of Say Goodbye To Crazy.

 

 

Stepmom26745294's picture

 

Yes! They do not talk on the phone what so ever. She chews him out in texts. He won’t even park in her driveway when picking up the kids and she is not allowed on our property for walking in our house screaming. Everything is texts or email. She tried to get him over there to talk with the kids and he said “if you want to talk in person we can talk in front of the therapist” she’s trying! 

Ispofacto's picture

Every time she approaches him in public, he should point a video camera at her and tell her to get away from him.

Your BM is exactly like ours.  There are a lot of them on here.  We know what you are going through.

 

Stepmom26745294's picture

Thank you! At least she ignores ME. Lol. She won’t give me the time of day. Funny she thinks that gets to me but I’m actually grateful! It could be worse. I have heard of stepmoms being attacked physically and verbally. I think she thinks she’s senfing a message that I’m beneath her. Knock yourself out sista! Lol!!  

fedupinwa's picture

Now that you are married I would seriously look into getting the CO language modified and use her texts and outbursts as your reason.  You and your husband should not have to report to BM everytime you have a schduling conflict on his weekends.  She is way to intrusive and many judges do not like the clause based upon the encouragement of spying on the other parent and creating unnecessary drama.  The two of you need to stand up to BM even if she throws a fit to make this stop!

Stepmom26745294's picture

 

 

He tries! Believe me. She is the single most controlling person I have ever met. She simply won’t stop. She thinks he needs to coordinate with her on his weekends and when he’s not with the kids even for a second they should be with her. He agreed to that a very long time ago just to make her shut up now she’s throwing that in his face and saying “you agreed to that and this is what our kids want and we should respect their wishes”  she won’t stop!! Just go get a life lady!

Here is the other issue. The way she words things in her text, actually sound reasonable. I really don’t know how to explain it. She has this way of wording things where WE know what she’s up to but if anyone read it they wouldn’t think much of it. Does that make sense? Like her latest text: 

She said “can you explain the logistics of how both boys will be where they need to be and how I factor in because you will be gone. You will have to get him up early and he was looking forward to spending time up there with his teammates. This is part of being a team. Can we figure out a good solution so both boys can be where they need to be and get good sleep as well as enjoy their sports? Is money a factor? Next time please reach out to me to coordinate. We could have easily came to an agreement that allows kids to be where they need to be and get good sleep for optimal performance” 

See? She sounds totally reasonable so if DH just days “thanks but I’ve got it covered” then somEhow he looks unreasonable but we both know this is her just trying to control. We have it covered!!!!! Boys will be great, get plenty of sleep and be where they need to be. 

ESMOD's picture

nope... he doesn't sound unreasonable.. if he just says.. "I have it covered".. he is not engaging with her... she doesn't have to know the details of what time the kids take a poo at your house... lol.

Ispofacto's picture

He needs to ignore her.  Responding isn't helping.  Read my post on Intermittent Reinforcement.

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/general-discussion/intermittent-reinforce...

Stop feeding the beast.  She cannot force DH to respond to her bullcrap.  No judge is going to find DH in contempt for refusing to answer every single idiotic text she sends him.  What's the worst that can happen?  "I'm sorry DH, but because BM put these kids in sports everyday, you can't see them anymore"???  Nope.  That's not gonna happen.

Just follow the CO.  No CO in the world would require DH to answer all her bullcrap.  Even IF a judge wanted to order that, it wouldn't be legal.

 

 

Winterglow's picture

She doesn't sound reasonale to me. She sounds obsessive - the epitome of an interfering helicopter mother. Your DH's response is perfect. Now tell him to stop responding. The more he answers the more she will badger him.

Rags's picture

Time for daddy to introduce the Skids to the full facts in an age appropriate manner. They can only protect themselves from BM's toxic manipulations if they have the facts.  DH also needs to start smacking BM with the CO any time she steps out of line.

Pain is the only thing that POS people like this BM understand. Bring the pain.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Obviously, you have a High Conflict BM. You and your DH need to educate yourselves on how to deal with one, and on Parallel Parenting. Oh, also read up on how to go Grey Rock. 

Start preparing for going back to court to modify the CO.  Time has passed, the skids are older, DH has remarried, and the old CO no longer works for your ever changing family. This means documenting BM's need for control and over involvement in your DH's parenting time. I get that you have one of those BM's who knows how to play the game on paper, but if you can show the court a stack of paper two feet high representing BM's comms vs. a stack two inches high of your DH's, that demonstrates how unreasonable and controlling she is. A good attorney will be able to capitalize on BM's hatred of you (unreasonable), her unwillingness to be flexible (not in the kids' best interest) and the sheer volume of her comms (disruptive and controlling), exposing her for the jealous loony she is.

Your DH should start a list of changes he'd like to make to the CO, save up $$ for legal bill$, and continue to let BM be the avenging keyboard warrior. Let her continue to insert herself and harangue via text, knowing all the while you're gearing up for court with the goal of Parallel Parenting and having court monitored comms via a parental communication site like Our Family Wizard. 

Having a plan in place and being strategic may make it a bit easier for both of you to put up with BM's poo for a while more. Just think of it as giving her more rope with which to hang herself.

 

Aunt Agatha's picture

No judge is going to care.  They don't read emails/texts.  It's because he's entering into these arguments that she does this nonsense.

The BM over here is full on crazy too.  It's been going on for years.  They are now teens and know she does nothing but cause problems with everyone.

Initially he would fight this stuff out with her, which ended up with her withholding the kids when they were younger.  But eventually, she got tired of hoisting them around to everything she signed them up for.  So now, she doesn't do that level of withholding.  Now that the oldest can drive, he ignores even more of her BS.

The key is his communication with the kids.  He would send cards/postcards to the kids when they were younger and she would withhold them.  He took pictures and showed them to the kids later.  He would call to speak to them, and even if she freaked out and didn't let them talk to the kids, they would know he called.

It sucks and is painful.  But when you breed with crazy, these things happen.  The best thing to do is avoid the confrontation, go written word with brief 'Thank you for letting me know; I've got it covered." Document / save the nonsense texts if she asks and simply refuse her games.  With no one fighting her back, they eventually start getting bored.

hereiam's picture

The way she words things in her text, actually sound reasonable.

To people who have never dealt with personality disordered or high conflict people, she may sound reasonable, however, it's pure manipulation and he needs to ignore and not engage with her and all of her words. Like ESMOD stated, a simple, "I've got it covered," will suffice.