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Should I give him another child?

lavywise's picture

I have two kids of my own. He has two of his own. His ex is a psycho. My ex and I co-parent beautifully. He wants another child of our own. I go back and forth between “it would be adorable” and “omg that would friggin’ be FIVE KIDS!” but it goes further than that. 

His identity is very much rooted in his role as a father. Sometimes too much so. He goes above and beyond for his kids and to be honest they sometimes treat him like shit or manipulate him. Because their mom talks trash and they are always on her side. 

Recently, it seems like his daughter has been on this streak of wanting him all to herself and feeling “jealous” of just about anyone... myself included. 

I love them, I do... but I do hold some kind of jealousy/resentment for the daughter especially sometimes because I feel like he’s constantly trying to please her and he doesn’t get the validation he wants unless he’s gone above and beyond. I was a huuuge daddy’s girl growing up and I didn’t require such things to be one. He is verbal about his kids being a priority and sometimes I feel like, “aren’t they all? Aren’t WE all?” 

That being said, he wants a kid. And I hope he gets a daughter so I can show her how to treat her dad like a hero without manipulation or control tactics. I think he deserves that. But then I feel like my motivations are flawed and I shouldn’t be having a child with those motivations. 

I mean, yes I want a child because I would love one of our own above all.... but those feelings of jealousy and resentment make me feel guilty and as if I have no business having another. 

His daughter really wants one... so there’s that. 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

If you want to have a child, have one. He wants one and you seem to, as well. So go for it.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, I don't get the need to have a child with every partner you have. Seems to me that bringing a child into a difficult situation with a statistically high chance of divorce (second/third marriages often fail) would be the wrong thing to do.  And especially just because it would be cute and the daughter wants one.

If you have a child with him, you are tied to him and his spawn forever (or at least your child is, and therefore you, by proxy).

I wouldn't do it, personally.

Letti.R's picture

Wowzer.
The way the question is asked takes me aback.
"Should I give him another child" ?
To do what with?
Where are you going to find this child?

Should the question not be, "Should we have a child?" or something similiar?
May be a semantic difference, but why did you phrase it that way?
It appears you are already distancing yourself from him and the child by giving it to him...
Sort of like, "Here. Yours. You take it."

 

His identity is very much rooted in his role as a father. Sometimes too much so. He goes above and beyond for his kids and to be honest they sometimes treat him like shit or manipulate him. Because their mom talks trash and they are always on her side. 

Recently, it seems like his daughter has been on this streak of wanting him all to herself and feeling “jealous” of just about anyone... myself included. 

^ ^ ^  To answer, your question, based on the above alone, my answer would be no.
It troubles me that his identity is tied to externals and he is already doing badly with his own kids.
For me based on the very limited info, it would be a no thanks.

Chmmy's picture

The only thing that would make my situation worse with DH would be having a bio child who would be half related to the brat skids. 

Dont have a bio child with this man and expect him to change or pay more attention to you. He treats his current bios this way because of divorce guilt. He will not treat your joint child the same until you divorce. Adding more kids into an already existing mess is never a good thing.

Personally I wouldnt raise a child in this household full of skids. My bios were launched before I got married. I never would have brought my bios into this household nor will I ever bring another child into this household

Curious Georgetta's picture

You do not get one because it is solo cute.

The decision to have another child should be rooted in a sincere and mutually held  desire to have another child.

It should also be a decision  made with certainty that you can financially provide for this child without compromising the ability to support your existing children.

It does not sound as though any serious  thought has gone in the process.

Go an buy him a cute puppy.

Rags's picture

Usually I would say if you want another child, have another child. 

Though from the tone of your OP it all has a rather machinated brood mare feel to it all.

Only you can make this decision. You are the one with the all in commitment should you choose to have another child.   You should not "give" him another child.  You will give yourself another child and he will have the honor and responsibility to have that child with you.  His keeping it full time will be dependent on how responsibly he behaves as your child's father.

Does his catering to and constant pleasing of his daughter pass the smell test of an appropriate father for your next child?

Your call.