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Should I be expected to spend time with BM's family?

Lavender4414's picture

Areyou's picture

No you should not.  If DH is still spending time with them then he is still overly involved with them and I would worry about boundaries.

elkclan's picture

Like they just happen to be at the same event? If so, suck it up. Especially invited to their house with BM present - no, unless it's for a major family event like wedding, grandchild christening, funeral - that sort of thing. 

Kes's picture

I just went and read your earlier blog, for background on this.  To me, it sounds like there is a very big issue with boundaries on the part of your DH.  I certainly would not be happy with the state of affairs you describe. 

Lavender4414's picture

The last forum I posted  was related to the excessive amount of time that BF spends with BMs family and how I was often feeling left out but mostly that the enmeshment was troublesome.

Fast forward a few months,  BF and I have turned a lot of corners and he's made a lot of strides in letting me know how important this relationship is, but he still wishes to spend a considerable amount of time with ex wifes family. Now, he just wants to include me. We've had little blow outs when I opted to not attend certain things or when I was less than thrilled attending.  Oh and BM refuses to meet me or be in the same room as me currently, but her family has accepted my presence.  BM being there or not, the situation doesn't really change for me. (BM is an entirely different topic for another day.)  I just rather be with my own family or friends, whom I don't see that often. They are very nice, fun people.. and BF's kids are happy to be with them but I just don't feel comfortable and I just don't want to do it. Plain and Simple. Am I horrible that I want our time together to be with BFs family or my own?  Am I unreasonable that I think the kids should primarily spend time with BMs family WITH BM? I feel like if I put my foot down about this, its taking my BF away from people he loves. But whats my other option?  Being with my BF comes with A LOT of sarafices of my own time, space, schedule, privacy etc.  I just feel like I don't want to compromise much else in our relationship. 

 

 

elkclan's picture

On the upside, it's great that they are nice pleasant people and that they accept you. It's great that you can see that and be ok with that. But there are couple of things going on here.

1. WTH are they doing this to their daughter? It's a betrayal of BM by them. If I were her I'd be PISSED and it just creates antagonism. However, that's not your concern except that you're the one likely to catch the fallout  - hence her refusal to be in the same room with you. I'd take exactly the same stand with my family if I were her and it wouldn't be personal to my ex's new partner. This is standing in the way of you and her having a somewhat decent relationship which is much more important in the long run than having a BBQ with her parents. 

2. Given that this is going on then it seems like all will be good when you're at kid events or major family events where it is acceptable to spend time with them. Hurray for that! 

3. Your concerns are valid. Your reasons are valid. I would put my foot down and say that there is only so much time and you would rather spend it doing stuff that isn't related to his prior relationship. 

4. It sounds like they are organisers and do-ers. So make sure that you organise and do stuff with BF's family and your family and friends so there isn't space in the social calendar for them. 

elkclan's picture

I've read the previous post - correct me if I'm wrong...

BM had some kind of breakdown or flipout or something and ran off leaving your boyfriend with the kids and the bills. In-laws, who are local, happened to see that she was in the wrong and stepped up to help out boyfriend and their grandkids. They were kind and supportive and helped with practical and financial issues and probably provided a lot of emotional support, too. 

If this is the case - I can certainly see why he wouldn't want to throw them overboard now - they've really been there for him over the long haul. In this case, I would suggest that there WILL still be occasions where your BF wants to maintain cordial relations with them. But for everyone's emotional benefit - including BM - who sounds like she's trying to get her life back on track - it's time to set up some boundaries. However much he's seeing them now - he needs to cut that back by 2/3ds to 3/4s. That's not everything. But instead of eating with BM's extended family once or twice a week, it's once or twice a month. Instead of monthly big get togethers, it's once every quarter. Frankly, that's more than enough! 

He also needs to step back to help BM's re-entry to the family. The healthier and happier she is, the better BM she can be and the less trouble she will cause (hopefully). No way should he be joining their familys vacation with BM also present. If plans were already made - this year is the LAST year. No need to cancel stuff, just tastefully withdraw and start building a different life with a different set of people. 

Lavender4414's picture

You hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much for your reply.  It’s a complicated situation and I really want to be sensitive to it but not at the expense of my own happiness. 

I hope we can find some kind of middle ground here as our relationship progresses. 

Lavender4414's picture

This is actually great advice. They are ALWAYS planning things.  I should make a bigger effort to fill our time. 

So i agree that it’s odd about how they are betraying BM but they have snubbed her for the last 4 years. She pretty much abandoned my BF and their two small children.  She is involved now, but for 18 months or so she was kind of a dead beat Mom. BF is very close to her family because everyone stepped in to help... 

He feels like he owes them a lot. 

In any case, they do have a relationship with BM now but there is a lot of anger and they are very happy for my BF that him and I are happy. 

Thumper's picture

You wrote you do not want to compromise much else in your relationship with BF.

Then dont. Stop moving your own goal post. 

Life goal, emotional goal, mental well being goal...all encomassing goals. Learn to control your outcome in all things. Of course one can no control the weather at the beach. But hopefully you know what I mean.

(wrote with deep compassion Smile

ndc's picture

You should not be expected to spend time with BM's family, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. 

This was my hill to die on early in my relationship with SO. He has a good relationship with BM and her family. He lived on the same street as her parents and he works for her father. BM's brother was his best fishing buddy and he was very close to BM's sister.  Working with her dad and being friends with the siblings I could handle, but when he was expected to spend every holiday with their family and attend family functions - nope. I was invited and welcomed, but I didn't want to be part of that family or be constantly reminded of BM.  I told SO he was welcome to go to their functions, but if he continued to do so I was gone - his choice.  And I was willing to walk away over this.   He chose me. We still see them occasionally, and we'll still be with them for the kids' birthday parties, but it has been cut way back, to a level I'm comfortable with.

If this is important to you, put your foot down and let him know it is not acceptable.

sunshinex's picture

I mean, I just went to my SILs bridal shower where BM and her mom were invited and I didn’t mind spending time with them. I actually made a point to sit with them because I know they felt a bit awkward being there. I really don’t see anything wrong with it. We live far away from them but if we lived close and SD wanted to do a beach day with her mom and I, I’d do it! 

We don’t necessarily get along but we’re both raising her daughter so I’ve found things in common and we make it work. I’m actually gathering up some books to send her way tonight cause I found out we have similar taste :) 

Rags's picture

Hell no you shouldn't have to spend time with your SO's X and her family.  None at all IMHO. And that your SO is hell bent on spending time with his XILs sets off huge alarm bells.

My XILs were of the life time connection type of ILs.  When their cavern crotched adulterous whore of daughter invoked the demise of our marriage with her whorish ways they continued to invite me over for dinner, to family reunions, sent me a B-Day card every year with money it it, christmas cards and gifts, etc.... This went on for years. 

5 years post divorce and about a year after we married my bride, our son (my SS) and I ran into them at a restaurant near our home.  We had moved back to the Austin area after I finished engineering school.   My XFIL immediately had tears streaming down his face.  They are devout Catholics and my XW never obtained an anulment.  The divorce was devastating to XFIL, his daughter's open deviance of church doctrin was worse for  him I think.  My MIL was much more interested in doing the mental math to figure out how old our son was, how long we had been married, and how to deflect her daughter's adulterous out of wedlock serial breeding onto me.  Nope. Even at the 3yso that he was at the time and even if he was biologically mine it would have been a non issue. After that meeting the invitations to their family events amplified.  I never attended though I did run into them a few times over the years when I officed a few miles from their neighborhood.

About the only exception that makes sense to me regarding spending time with XILs is if it is a widdow/widdower situation upon the demise of the ILs child and spouse of the widdow/widdower.

 

notarelative's picture

About the only exception that makes sense to me regarding spending time with XILs is if it is a widdow/widdower situation upon the demise of the ILs child and spouse of the widdow/widdower.

And even then, no matter how welcoming the first spouse's family, the new spouse will most likely find it awkward.

My first husband's family has been very welcoming of my second husband. Most of the  nieces and nephews even call him 'uncle'. (Their rational is that if I am aunt , he is uncle.) We are invited to life events and family reunions.

But, no matter how welcoming, my current husband finds, and even I sometimes find,  first spouse family events awkward. What works for us is looking at each event individually. An invitation does not require attendance. Sometimes we both go. Sometimes neither of us go. Sometimes I go alone. 

 

Rags's picture

I can't hardly immagine what this would be like having never experienced it.

Kudos to  you and  your husband for how you are navigating what has to be a challenging part of your life together.

Lavender4414's picture

It doesn’t feel right.  I don’t want to have issues with BM either and I feel like she wouldn’t love the idea of us hanging out all the time.  Also. How donI know if someone is reporting to her how I speak to the children or conduct myself or whatever. I don’t need to open the door for any drama or criticism or anything. I’d rather lay low. 

Once in awhile, after a kids function or a special occasion .. I’m okay with for a couple hours. Not all day or beach house vacation days.  Well see how the holidays play out...

 

Livingoutloud's picture

My brother and SIL are friends with my exDH and his wife (SM) they often hang out ( they weren’t friends before our marriage). I don’t believe it’s inappropriate. Who cares. I hang out with exMIL. No one pays attention to that. Why is it a problem?

Rags's picture

It is great that  you as well as your brother and SIL are capable of spending time with your X and his family.

Hopefully the X and the XILs are worthy of that honor.  My X and her family... not so much.  My SS's SpermClan... not a snowballs chance in hell since they are not worthy of much of anything.

Lavender4414's picture

There are some people in the ex’s family I don’t mind hanging with, but others not so much.  I just don’t think it’s an obligation I should have.  Especially, when the time takes away from my OWN family. 

Balancing work and family time is tough with my BF and his two children. You have to make choices and   carve out time for everyone. Throw a third family in the mix and it’s insane. I just think I’d rather be with my own parents most weekends and not my BF’s ex wife’s.