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She’s trying to erase dad….

Biostep7777's picture

We were looking through medical records. My husband is Filipino and HCBM is white. On their medical records she only marks off white. My kids are also biracial and I always mark both because certain races are more prone to different medical conditions so it's very important information. 
 

Also, she put that SS lives with "brother and mom" 

no mention that they also live with us. 
 

I know this is not huge or anything but if blows my mind that she just acts as though he doesn't exist. Crazy! 

tog redux's picture

Yeah, they all do this. BM here applied to a private school and said that DH had abandoned her and SS, but they were "getting by". They had 50/50 custody at the time. They love the "oh you poor single mom" attention. 

CajunMom's picture

We share a similar story! BM enrolled the youngest two kids in a private, fanatical church school. DH was not listed on the records and the school outright refused to give him any info. Said to get it from BM as she paid tuition. Never mind, she did not work but rather lived off the $2K CS and $2K spousal (DH gave her this for 3 years, hoping she'd get an education to support herself. She made more money than I did working 48 hours a week). So, technically, HE was paying the tuition. She also led the kids' teachers to believe DH "abandoned" her for me (learned this from a teacher when I had to take over raising her kids for a time). Truth was (and I told teacher), she left DH in another country, came back to the states, wiped out as much cash as she could and divorced him. SMH

tog redux's picture

Yep, this school also refused to give DH any information because BM was paying and had signed the contract. He had to get his attorney involved - but the school always treated him badly after that.

Loxy's picture

My skids BM has always used the same emotive language too ie she tells everyone (including the skids) that DH abandoned her and the skids when in reality custody has always been shared equally and he paid her well above what the law required in CS for the first couple of years so she could get back on her feet after a period of not working. He also gave her 90% of all the assets and (on top of paying CS) they have always split all costs for the kids but apparently this is called abandonment. 

God forbid if anyone of these BM's really had to deal with being abandoned. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Sounds pretty standard for a HCBM. I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

DH has run into the same issues over the years. When YSS entered high school last year, DH went to set up a parent portal account. The school had to go all the way back to YSS's KINDERGARTEN application to find DH's name on any of the paperwork to add him.

It was always funny to us, though, because BM would badmouth DH to everyone. Talk about how much of a deadbeat he was and how much of a better dad her husband (now XH#2) was than DH. That's a really hard narrative to keep up when DH was showing up to all the boys' events, paying for their birthday parties and activities, and giving BM extra gas money before she left, all while XH#2 was unemployed and stealing cash from the boys to fund his pill habit. I think that level of lying resulted in the loss of some of her mom friends.

As frustrating as it all is, the only thing you'll be able to do is stick to the CO once that's finalized. Hand it to the school and doctors and tell them they will add DH to the records or his attorney will be contacting them. Most places don't believe that HCBMs really are HCBMs...until you hand them a CO that outlines Dad's rights and Dad starts being actively engaged in things. It's REALLY hard for a HCBM to keep up the "deadbeat dad" narrative when Dad is physically there (though they keep trying and just make themselves look psychotic).

stepmomnorth's picture

They do this kind of stuff, don't keep the other parent in the loop, don't tell them how appointments went or anything relevant for medical stuff then something happens later and they turn it around and say that they are in charge because Where were you when all of this stuff went on... When it was them hiding it all..

Do whatever is possible to stay in the loop despite their antics. It may mean reaching out to teachers, principals and doctors separately and asking for separate correspondence etc., so as to avoid them leaving you out on everything going on. Which is sounds like they're already trying to do. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

North Korea went on a honeymoon cruise and she listed the SD's dad as #24 to contact in an emergency.  #24.  

When SD22 graduated highschool, she had to contact him to get all her little kid and baby photos for the senior slide show.  She didn't have cause she just walked out the door to his best friend's house that she later married, Bill.  He gave her the photos but he wasn't invite to that senior night where the slide show played.  At graduation, she had taken out an ad in the pamplet that said , "mother and papa  are so proud of our baby girl and her accomplishments ."  She had the girls calling Bill their papa.  We sat in the nosebleeds and she and Papa bill got the seats right up front with other relatives.  This past father's day she demanded Sd22 lleave her father's eye to attend the Father's Day BBQ she was putting on for Bill, who has no children btw.  

They love to minimize and erase dad.  They only want them to pay lots of money.  

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I doubt anyone asked for that many emergency contacts.  And funny enough, while she was on that honeymoon cruise, her mom, grandma, couldn't handle having the older SD who had just had her wisdom teeth removed and one had gotten impacted and diabetic SD and gave them to their dad and North Korea called from some tropical island at like 3 in the morning drunk and pissed screaming at him and her mom and the stepkids on her honeymoon.  She wanted him to take the girls to numbers 2 through 24 on the emergency contact list that she had left.   I know Papa Bill was loving that honeymoon.  God bless him.  I know that man suffers so.  Especially now that the kids are grown and he gets all of her attention. 

tog redux's picture

OMG, that happened to us too. BM went on vacation (out of the country) and left SS, then 14, with a 17 yo kid for two weeks.  Well, when DH got wind of that, he got him and brought him to our house.  BM flipped out in France or wherever she was, sent her boyfriend over to our house, tried to convince DH to let him take SS, tried to get SS enrolled in camp - god FORBID, he spend two weeks with his father.

Of course, she was right, because it was that two week stay that made SS say he wanted to live with us and he spent the rest of the summer refusing to speak to her.  That collapsed eventually, though, of course. 

halo1998's picture

Beaver used to do this ALL THE TIME.  When the skids went to school (SD goes to school in our district now) in Beaver's district every year DH had to send a FERPA letter to the school outling his rights and demanding he be added to any and all lists, etc.  Drove Beaver nuts because she tried so hard to be "A poor widdle single moootheerrrrrr" and that "DH had left and abandoned her and the kids".  DH made it a point to always have a parent teacher conference with every teacher to make sure they understood HE IS INVOLVED.  Now its not too bad since DH is the school placement parent and the school calls him first.

DH also has to inform every freaking doctor, dentist, therapist, counselor, althetic coach, tutor, etc that he is the dad.  It gets old...

 

The best was when GWR and Beaver try to get free lunch at school by claiming she was "a poor single moootthhherrr" and couldn't afford lunch because DH didn't support them at all. DH has to inform the school that he paid Beaver over 1k a month for support and that she was making on her own in excess of 40k a year so there was no way she couldn't "afford" lunch.  Needless to say GWR did not get free lunches.

I always love it when people realize that Beaver is lying when DH is at all of the skids games, appointments, recitals, etc.  Totally kills the deadbeat dad/poorrr single Moootthhherr routine she tries.

Ursula's picture

Doesn't surprise me at all.  HCBMs love to play the single mother card.  Our BM did that ALL THE TIME.  Even when my husband was taking her to court for 50/50 custody, she would tell people that he was "absent a lot" and how she was getting ready to have all his rights revoked.  Even now, she does silly things like list SDs last name as hyphenated with my husband and her last name, even though SD only has the same last name as my husband. 

CastleJJ's picture

Nope, courts do not care about trivial documentation like this. We had academic records showing that BM listed her GF as "Parent #2," which therefore blocked DH's access to academic records. The courts didn't care - they just put in the CO that DH could access any records he wanted but the courts didn't make BM take GF off. BM took GF off later on her own after DH kept harassing the school about the records since GF is only a GF and has no legal claim/authority over SS.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

Depends on the judge and if they're willing to look at it.

If your DH weren't already in the middle of a hearing, I'd probably advise you to let it go. However, since he's already in the thick of it, might as well document it. Worst case scenario, you wasted your time.

On a personal note, DH and I have little faith in our local family court system. It's very "pay to play" here for dads, and DH just didn't have the funds. Plus, our FSSA services in the state are pretty atrocious. BM was involved in several programs that were precursors to CPS and never once was DH contacted about the fact that his kids were involved in these programs. Would have been super easy to find out that DH was caught up on CS, that her apartment was leased in DH's name, and that DH lived less than 30 minutes away. The only reason DH ever found out was because BM would say or do something that revealed what was happening, and by that point she was wrapping up the program. This even happened when BM and the kids were homeless (which DH didn't know about because BM lied about where they were living) - the program was paying for them to live in a hotel but never actually bothered to follow up with DH.

Document, but don't expect it to be a smoking gun.

Biostep7777's picture

Even though she is leaving out important information that could effect their health?? I mean leaving out your race is kind of important. My kids are 1/2 African American. I would never leave that information off their medical records because different races are prone to different medical conditions. That's why they ask for it, they ask for parents and grandparents medical info ect... 

CastleJJ's picture

My SS' doctor didn't have DH's family medical history for 6 years. BM didn't find it pertinent until SS was diagnosed with a chronic issue that was genetic in DH's family line. Your skids are teenagers and mostly healthy; BM isn't leaving off major conditions or putting them at risk by checking "white." Any doctor in their right mind is going to look at them and know they aren't white. You are grasping at straws here. 

This is trivial. If you try to bring up in court that BM marked the wrong race, the judge will laugh, and BM will claim something stupid like she accidentally checked the wrong box. It's not going to make an ounce of difference. 

tog redux's picture

No - you give family court way too much credit, they would not even entertain the issue for that reason. They might not like that she leaves DH's information off because he's the father, but they won't think about it as being bad to leave off racial info. Plus, BM can easily just say something like, "oh the kids are ashamed of their father so they get upset if I say they are anything other than white" or "oops, did I do that?"

 

SeeYouNever's picture

Yeah before she remarried BM cried about how she was barely getting by and it wasnt possible to raise a kid on the CS he sent her. At that time she moved in with her parents, had a job, and got $1000 a month in CS. Lady if you can't make that work I don't know what to tell you.

Oh maybe stop shopping? Her and SD are walking Michael Kors ads, the bigger and golder the MK the better. With that many logos you'd think they were being paid to be billboards!

CastleJJ's picture

Our HCBM did this and still does this to an extent. BM was the only parent/contact ever listed on SS' medical and academic records. When she started dating her GF and moved out of state, BM listed GF as Parent #2. Because BM moved out of state and started over in a new city with GF, they were able to rewrite the narrative and told the school that BM and GF were SS' parents and that there was no Dad; basically that they used a donor. When DH reviewed the school records, he realized this and also realized he was listed as Emergency Contact #6 under "Other Relative," behind BM's parents who lived 2 hours further from SS than we did. The school was shocked to find that SS did in fact have a Dad and that DH was actively involved. All the records have since been corrected, but that was a fight and a half. 

BM still tries to pull this with new people though. If SS joins a new sports league or has a new teacher each year, BM still tries to set the narrative that her and GF are the parents and there is no Dad. DH always makes contact with the coaches and new teachers to correct the narrative. 

Cookieboom's picture

BM took BF off of SS's medical, Athletic and school records. He cannot find anything about his grades, his medical information or his soccer. 

We just found out through court that she put SS on some serious anti-psychotic meds (At a VERY high dosage) after she had BF arrested, using the reasoning that SS was “uncontrollable” (But she “forgets” to say he was uncontrollable after she refused BF to see him and made SS pull the “Dump that skank or you’ll never see me again.” 

Thumper's picture

BM only acknowledges dh as bio dad when it has something to do with more child support, her family court legal fees and as payer of medical. Other than that, it has been reported DH whereabouts are unknown.

 

BM once said to DH---If I want you to disappear, your gonna disappear.

 

 

Rags's picture

Even the NCP side will try this shit.  SpermGrandHag pulled this same shit for 16+ years including forging her idiot son's signature on custody suits, trying to demonize the Skid's mom while he was in SpermLand visitation, etc

bananaseedo's picture

Meh, some of this is trivial.  I'm 'white' (with German, Norwegian, English and French in my background)- my exh is from S. America with his background being Italian and one grandparent Lebanese. 

I mark white for my boys- there aren't many options for both-  and there are no health issues either way that would be affected by this.  My oldest looks like your average American white guy- my youngest definitely looks more a mix of Italian/Lebanese- skin is a bit darker then ours, dark eyes and hair- I have to admit he's a VERY handsome guy.  My exh was too (but an ahole).

So hispanic doesn't really apply, even though my exh was born in S. America if that makes sense. 

I always did put my exh on school/medical papers-but my DH and my mom were always the contacts after myself for emergencies as he lived with me and mom just a minute away.  My ex was over an hour and also pretty much never attended ANY school event, conference, appointment, nothing.  He was very hands off.  

SOmetimes it's not always the evil BM- I read one post that they couldn't find dads info going back to K5- well, then where was dad correction with the schools until years and years later? That's on dad.  

HOnestly, if dads want to be involved and have their names on things, they can do it themselves, their ex-wives don't owe then anything.  Most men don't bother (with the noted exception of several that posted here)- it's only when stepmom comes around that they are all upset they aren't even listed.  Again, most guys leave all that stuff to their exe's to handle.  

It's absolutely wrong if they are on there -handled that themselves and then a BM tries to remove it- but it's the dad's responsibility to ensure they are listed every year w/the schools and Dr's or therapists, coaches.  

 

Biostep7777's picture

That's how he found out she was not listing him anymore. She used to until he got remarried. She still puts divorced on his marital status even though he has been married for over two years. He had not checked things in a while because she always listed him but she stopped. 
He is very involved and he goes to every single school open house, he knows all their doctors, he goes their appointments, keeps in contact with all the teachers, volunteers at school, he coaches, he knows all of the kids coaches, friends parents. This is NOT a dad that "left it up to her" ever. She is jealous and petty. 

bananaseedo's picture

What's the custody? If 50/50 it would make sense to list the other parents home as well- if it's traditional EOW I don't ANY parent that would list the visitation home as 'who they live with' -that's pretty absurd honestly.

Biostep7777's picture

They have 50/50 physical and legal custody. She lies and tells everyone that she has full custody and that DH is suing her to take the kids away. She's nuts. It's not true. Also, it doesn't matter what the custody agreement is. Kids should know they have a home at BOTH parent's house. Not acknowledging that is what's absurd (in my opinion)