Sexual Abuse Allegations Within Blended Family
A long time back, I got on this forum and posted my frustrations with all of my SKIDS. That served me well to get it off my chest, and to figure out how to get through it all. Since then, I have disengaged completely with one of them (21YO SD). The other 2 I'm getting by with.
Just when I thought all was ok and we were going to get through it all, this happens. Sexual abuse allegations from my 10YO BS against my now 17YO SS. The info provided says that this all started when my BS was around 4 or 5 and my SS would have been around 12. This actually came up once before, about 2 years ago, but was quickly dismissed when my then 8YO BS told me and the wife that he made it up. We questioned him heavily at the time (not forceful or demeaning or anything of the like) and it seemed that he did make it up. Fast forward 2 years, and he brought it up again, this time to my ex-wife. She went bonkers and has kept him at her house ever since. My son has been in counseling ever since, and has mentioned this to the counselor. My guess is that just after the Holiday's are past us, the counselor will report to CPS.
We haven't told my SS yet, because we wanted to afford him the most "normalcy" we could before this all hits the fan. Kicking the can down the road preverbialy.
I mostly believe my son's allegations, but also cannot believe that my SS would or could do something like this.
Without going into super great detail here, I'm faced with the idea that my BS cannot ever come back to my home. I am faced with him not being a part of my family.......or I make a stand and either force my wife to make her son leave to his father's or elsewhere (his father is a real piece of shit, but my SS loves him just the same) or we divorce so we can both effectively live with our own children without any further complications.
This is the worst thing that has ever happened in either of my marriages.....quite possibly in my life thus far.
Protect Your Son
Kudos to your ex-wife for going "bonkers" over this and getting the child into counseling. It's exactly what I'd have done. What all parents should do with allegations like this.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I also tried telling but was convinced by the pedophile to not tell....say I was lying. These monsters have this power over the kids they abuse. And the power is so strong, they convince us (their victims) to say and do whatever it takes to protect them. The truth did not come out for years so lots of damage done to us kids. And no counseling back then. We were told to "keep that news quiet."
This needs to be investigated by authorities. If there is any chance your SS is innocent, this is the path to find the truth. But someone is NOT going to be allowed in your home until the truth is discovered. Either your SS goes or you will need to see your bio child away from your marital home.
I'm sorry. This is a horrible situation to be in, one I know personally. Lots of troubles over the years with my half-siblings due to this monster in our childhoods. One is dead. One is half crazy (we have no contact) and me, who's spent most of my adult life in and out of counseling to deal with the damage. I'm grateful I made it "out." My two sisters didn't fare so well.
Prioritize your son. My mom priortized us and while the damage was done, it's something I'll always be grateful to her for. She stood up for her kids at a great financial cost back in those days.
Thank you for your response
Thank you for your response CajunMom. Coming from someone who experienced it firsthand is much different than where I'm at with all this right now. You are a strong woman to have had to deal with this your whole life, and you deserve much credit.
That part about visiting with him outside of our home.......I'm not sure if or how long I could handle the fact that he can't be a part of any family functions (where my wife's family is the vast majority every time). Everyone on my wife's side of the fence will dismiss and deny the allegations, even if CPS deems it legit. Then I'll be left with a family minus my son where every Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthday is broken.
Won't everyone think I have taken my SS side if I stay and just be "ok" with the fact that we no longer have my BS in our lives?
I'd Be More Concerned....
with what my son thinks. He's the one you need to talk with.
I can share this with you. The Stepfather's family took his side along with a lot of friends....and it was the larger family where we would always go. I lost all of that but so did my mom and all my half siblings. But the saving grace was we had our mom...she was with us. I know, in counseling, this helped me immensely. That she stood by us regardless of the cost. Loss of family, loss of income, the stigma of the day we now lived with, etc.
I wish I had the answer. Only thing I can think of is....for family gatherings, those two would have to rotate going to events??? It is very early in this situation, so I'd try to focus on providing whatever your son needs from you and not so much about the future. I encourage YOU to find a counselor also....one that can help you HELP your SON. Unlike my days, there are so many resources out there. I don't know the relationship between you and your ex, but this is certainly a time you two should try to unite for the benefit of your son. Best to you. Again, I'm so sorry for this terrible thing in your lives.
EDIT: The Stepfather eventually got caught. 30 years later. So how many kids did he harm? He spent several years in jail and now is a Registered Sex Offender.
I have spoken with my son
I have spoken with my son about this multiple times, and at great length. I have never told him I didn't believe him. What I have told him is how this all could affect our family moving forward, so that he knew all of it just in case he was making it up for other reasons. He knows he has my love and support through it all. I have attended many of his counseling sessions so far, and will continue that into the future.
I think I'm trying to cloud my vision here with all of this.........trying like hell to save my family from something that I probably won't be able to.
My current immediate goals are to be sure my son is comfortable. I'll make more decisions as the balls keep dropping in front of me, mainly once CPS gets a hold of this and does their thing. I plan to also watch how my wife and SKIDS react, and also their extended family (my father-in-law, wife's sisters, etc.). I feel like their reactions will be highly negative, based on some of the things my wife has already said to me over all of this. Very disturbing stuff.
You Are Doing Everything
Possible. My heart breaks for you. For everyone. Sending you comfort and love from Cajun Land.
I'm sorry, but how are you ok
I'm sorry, but how are you ok living with your SS after he did this to your son? If I was in this position, there is no way in hell I could live with someone that did this to my child. NO WAY. I do believe I would have a searing hate for anyone that damaged my child in such a way.
I think your son will feel betrayed and like you don't believe him and/or don't care about him.
Yea...no way I could live with a monster like that.
My responses are below
Then I'll be left with a family minus my son where every Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthday is broken.
This sounds like you are choosing your wife and her children over your child. Do you have children with your current wife? There are many ways to handle the holidays - your could alternate, or celebrate on different days.
Won't everyone think I have taken my SS side if I stay and just be "ok" with the fact that we no longer have my BS in our lives?
How is this even a choice? How are you even considering not having your BS in your life? And yes, if you don't include BS in the holidays or if you see him less people will think you are choosing your SS - because that is what you will be doing.
I have spoken with my son about this multiple times, and at great length. I have never told him I didn't believe him. What I have told him is how this all could affect our family moving forward, so that he knew all of it just in case he was making it up for other reasons.
Quit talking to your son about what happened, you are doing more damage than good. This is why you leave it up to professionsals. You have put him in a no win situation. If he tells the truth, that he was abused - he knows how it will negatively affect SS and the rest of the family - so he feels guilty when telling the truth. If he recants, in an effort to save the family, he feels hurt that you put the needs of the rest of the family over his.
He needs to be questioned by someone who has experience in dealing with kids who have been abused. He also needs a specialized therapist.
He knows he has my love and support through it all. I have attended many of his counseling sessions so far, and will continue that into the future
He should be attending session on his own so he can tell his truth to the therapist.
Is there a chance the abuse is still happening? If so, the therapist should have already reported it. If your son is currently being abused, the holidays should be the last of your concerns. And even if you are absoulutely sure it has ended, why are you expecting your son to continue to live in the same house as his abuser?
Agree With All Of This
Any time there is a post on abuse, it's a mild trigger for me and I really miss out on details until I can process. I hope OP reads this entire thread.
The part about telling your son how this will affect your family is WRONG WRONG WRONG. When you do this, you are adding unwarrented guilt to your child. He does NOT need that. Abuse will bring on enough improperly placed guilt....STOP IT NOW. And I sure hope you are letting your son have his own time with the counselor.
And I agree with NotSure...so much of what you are doing is telling your child that your wife and her kids come first. I absolutely could not live under the same roof as an abuser. Add in the fact it's your kid he abused.....how is this even possible you are still there? Your SS needs to be removed from the home or you need to remove yourself until this matter is resolved. Do it for the sake of your child. Your current position on this is sending him some serious mixed messages that are going to only hurt him. Remember....I walked this path. Experience speaking here.
Child protection must be
Child protection must be first.
What did the forensic exam report?
Nothing else matter but those two things.
This sounds like you are
This sounds like you are choosing your wife and her children over your child. Do you have children with your current wife?
Answer: It does sound like that, I agree. However, my plan is to ride this out for just a bit longer until either CPS completes and reaches some sort of verdict or my wife and/or her family go postal and I leave anyway. We do not have any children together.
You have put him in a no win situation.
Answer: He knows how this will affect our family and also that I believe what he is saying. I felt it best to arm him with the information. He wouldn't have understood that he couldn't come back to my home without some background.
He needs to be questioned by someone who has experience in dealing with kids who have been abused. He also needs a specialized therapist.
Answer: He has both of those listed above. His counselor has past experience working with CPS cases.
Is there a chance the abuse is still happening?
Answer: By my son's own admission, it ended 2 years ago, when he brought it up the first time at my house.
why are you expecting your son to continue to live in the same house as his abuser?
Answer: I don't. It's either going to be him here or the SS. If it's the SS, then I'm almost 100% positive that either I'll ask my wife to move out with her kids or I will. I can't see any other ending to this mess than that.
I'm confused by your post. I
I'm confused by your post. I cannot imagine placing a step child accused of sexually assaulting my son above my son, the victim. SMDH???
edit: Saw your update and it's clearer but still... As a victim of sexual assault at the hands of my mothers live-in bf, I offer this:
my mother questioned me, challenged me, and forced me to engage with my abuser after it all came out and I have never forgiven her for this. Never and I'm 48. I was abused at your son's age. Think hard about this.
I am not and will not
I am not and will not repeatedly ramrod how this affects my family down my son's throat. I only said it all to him once, and that will be the only time I ever say it.
When my son is with the counselor, he is alone. The counselor grabs us parents at the end to summarize is all. We are not in the room with him when he is in session.
I thank you all for your responses. This is exactly what I was hoping for, seriously. It gives me real-world insight into this situation and clears the path for me. The path is for all of this to end and for me and my wife to go our separate ways. That will occur very soon I'm sure.
Again, thanks for your responses. I see the error in my ways now.
I Commend You
For reaching out, being honest and taking the hard truths to heart. I can understand the chaos and confusion when these things are discovered. It's horrible. I know. Again, best to you and your son.
I am glad you heard us.
I am glad you heard us. Another thing for you to consider - it is not unheard of for couples in your situation to live apart until the children are grown and out of the house. For this to work, your SS would have to own what he did and your wife would have to understand why you were choosing not to make your son live with his abuser.
One other thought, just because CPS decides not to press charges or decides nothing happened, does not mean that nothing happened. They are not perfect. You should continue to believe your son, no matter the outcome of the case.
Does your SS have access to any other younger children?
At the time of the event,
At the time of the event, your SS was 12 and your BS was 4. While it is clear that this is due to a lack of supervision and attention to details when it comes to child rearing in "blended" families, I am not sure the allegations would go far beyond your SS getting some type of counseling or doing some type of sex offender program and being banned from your household and being around BS
The key to this is do you think that SS now 17 would act the same way with another minor as he did when he was 12? A 12 yo unsupervised can sometimes explore and navigate puberty in the wrong way.
This is why i dont believe in blending anything. Your SS and BS were never brothers or related so there was no reason to leave them unsupervised
You absolutely need to
You absolutely need to protect your child. Will you wife really not accept CPS investigation results? I mean nothing has happened with it yet, but if your SS did do something to your BS, will she not support your BS in this? Agree to keep them apart and never see eachother again?
One more thought for the OP
My YSS accused my OSS of abusing him. There was a full police investigation but because it happened years earlier and there were no witnesses, the case was dropped. That was the first time YSS attempted suicide. Eventually, YSS was taken by a cronic illness, really bad epilespy. But when we got the coroner's verdict it emerged that he had ZERO anti siezure drugs in his system so we all wonder if it wasn't another way of committing suicide.
I'm not telling this to look for sympathy but to warn you that your son will need your 100% support to get past this. And for YSS it was the police dropping the case that pushed him into severe depression. His suicide attempts generally occured around that anniversary of the date of them letting him know that they wouldn't be able to help any further.
You are way overcomplicating this. IMHO
Call CPS, get your son into therapy. If CPS finds credence in the alegations then your SS17 needs to be in jail and stay there as long as possible then live his life on the sexual preditors list.
Quit moderating the situation and take the direct steps to get it resolved. Either way.
Everyone - my son is
Everyone - my son is currently in therapy, and will be for as long as he needs it. I will support 100% and his BM is supportive as well.
The situation hasn't blown my family apart yet because CPS hasn't started their process. It has been reported. However......my home life ABSOLUTELY SUCKS already and will only get worse until we split it up and get away from each other.
What I'm being told by some others is that since they were both minors, and the fact that there won't be any actual hard evidence to support (nobody ever saw or heard anything), it will get dismissed and/or the families and boys will get counseled and given instructions on how to move forward from CPS point of view and/or State laws.
Either way, this will be the end of my family as I now know it. This is the proverbial "icing on the cake" for our family. So many blending issues and differences in parenting opinions/styles over the years. I always told her it would be the kids that kill us.........100% fact in my case.
Again, I thank you all for your responses. It always feels better to vent to like-minded folks that are step parents like I am. At least for now anyway..............