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Seriously considering calling it quits after 3 years....

lynnly3's picture

I am a 38 year old well educated woman. I have one son from a previous marriage is in his second year of college and lives on campus (about an hour and a half away). My fiance and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We have been living together over 2 years. He is from a neighboring state (only 45 minutes away from our house). He moved in with me since I owned a home and had an established career. He has two children from a previous marriage, 6 year old daughter and 11 year old son. He fought for custody, but lost. December will be 5 years since his divorce. There are so many issues, that I don't know where to begin.

I noticed early on that he parented based on guilt from the divorce. His kids were his whole life and I respected him for that. He gets them every other weekend, summers, holidays, and attend all the extra-curricular activities etc,. However, I began to question my place in his life. It was like there was no room for a relationship. When his kids were present, I was invisible. I finally made a comment about it and he told me that I had no idea how hard it was going 11 days between visits and the those weekends were for his kids. It was difficult for me because my kid was in high school at that point. Also, my son was always independent and not a clingy, needy kid. My kid is NOT perfect at all. But he doesn't suffocate us. His kids are both extremely clingy and needy and have no independence whatsoever. I tried to understand and would just stand back when the kids were around. I established a bond with his son early on. His daughter is another story. Every weekend revolved around her. It became too much and I told him that I needed to feel included. I felt like an outcast. I always gave space and rarely spent any time with my fiance on those weekends. But, after each weekend was over, I felt as if I had not even had a 5 minute conversation with him. We saw a counselor and it helped a little. His daughter is not a bad kid by any means, but she whines and complains all weekend and can't do ANYTHING by herself. It is hard to take sometimes. His ex-wife is another story. She controls him like a puppet and uses the kids as pawns. She texts him almost everyday and expects him to do anything she asks, but won't accomodate him if he needs to switch weekends etc,(which is very rare). Anyway, after having them for 5 weeks this summer, our relationship is basically hanging by a thread. I feel like both of his kids know what a great dad they have and are manipulative of him. His family (about 3 people) have confided in me that this is nothing new. They see it as well and said the kids were like this before I came into the picture. I really thought maybe it was all me. But after 3 years not much has changed. I do want to note that both kids like me and we do get along well. It is just the constant whining, complaining, pouting, and manipulation that is overwhelming.

Present day. After the summer from h*ll, he has decided to spend the kid weekends with his mom temporarily. This has been going on for over two months. I didn't agree with his decision, but knew something had to give. Now, I feel an almost resentment of having to spend every other weekend without him. I also do miss the kids. The kids have more friends in his mom's neighborhood than ours. So, now I feel like it is no longer temporary because his kids like the friends in that neighborhood. If I bring up when we are going to have them move back, he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it. I just don't know what to do at this point. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

cyberwoman's picture

Fabumom, you are so right skids do pull the division trick all the time but how do you open the eyes of the parent who is so blinded by guilt? He is not rational if he would be he would clearly see that he is distroying his kids with this parenting style. Thoughts?

lynnly3's picture

You are right on the money. The more time that passes with the weekends with his mom, the more I realize the kids have "won" again. I use that term loosely, because I don't feel like it is a competition. However, I know that without me around, the kids are being completely catered to in every way. I will say that the catering to their every whim was getting a tad bit better, but was very inconsistent. You asked what went wrong....hmmm..in a nutshell the CONSTANT whining, complaining and need for attention EVERY second and acting like a 2 year old would literally wear me down physically and mentally and I would end up taking my frustrations out on him. I know that was not the right thing to do. So, I would tell him that he had to do something. In turn, he said that it was enough to deal with his kids and his ex and that having me b*tch about it was just too much. I don't feel like I complained that often. I also feel the need to interject that the 6 year old daughter acts this way with ALL his family members, not just him. We never fought in front of the kids, but I know they knew tension was present. Also, it was his idea to temporarily move the kids to his mom's house. I think at first it really was going to be temporary, but now that his kids have made so many friends, it seems not so temporary.

AVR1962's picture

Maybe these seperate weekends will be good for you, to give you time to figure out what you want to do. I know you have invested 3 years but there's some stuff going on here that I would be very upset and uncomfortable with too.

I read about exes texting and it always shocks me. Personally, I don't think this should be going on, nor should she have so much contact with your finance. Sounds like Bm is very controlling and you're watching as she manipulates her ex, not good.

We had friends who had a son that would always come to dinner when we'd go out. He was an only child and extremely demanding of everyon's attention, a crier type who would have tantraums and would not shut up. We finally stopped going out to dinner with them. I understand how you feel about husband's children and the demans they are placing on his time, it does get old.

pat's picture

We do every other weekend . One weekend with my kids ,one weekend without. This way no one feels cheated. It was a huge adjustment. I agree the ex is another story. His ex will always use the kids. Untill he fully sees it, things will not improve with you and him. I went through exactly what you are going through.If she used the kids as pawns, I would just not go see them. I believe if she had them most of the time without any breaks, she would beg me to take them. He has to stand up to her or else he will always be her puppet. It sounds like the ball is in his court. I feel if you truly love this man, maybe try to work on it. It is workable if you both want each other.

lynnly3's picture

Thanks so much to everyone for your responses. I felt so alone for so long. It does help to know that I am not alone.

Holly008's picture

This is EXACTLY what created my spoiled adult SD! My DH was divorced from the mother for 16 years and on his weekends, he took his daughter to my MIL's so before I was ever in the picture, my fate was sealed so to speak. MIL is bitter that SD only comes around every few weeks instead of every day. At Christmas we have also included SD's half sister and her son in family activties. If we gave my son and SD a certain amount of Christmas money or gifts DH gave same amount to the half sister too. As far as my MIL goes, she has always treated this girl far better than my BS.
Boy! I needed this forum 5 years ago!

munky's picture

hi, i have read the post with interest! and i have to say that i do feel for you, and totally understand your dilemma. I am 39 with two children 7 and 14 girls who live with me full time (although they do see their dad) my partner has two children 7 girl and 9 boy. He has them every other weekend, time during holidays, and tues morn, wed morn wed eve, and thrus morn each week, as their mum starts work early.

He bends over backwards to fit in with the ex whims! which annoys me greatly - but they way he sees it is that he has extra time with his kids, and not that she is still pulling his stings! His kids are nice and i get on good with them. His lad i think is poss adhd! hyper, cannot sit at dinner, loses everything and leaves everthing etc etc! both children and very demanding and not very independent, where mine are very independent.

When we have all kids here every other weekend, its hard!!!!! the two young girls from each of us will play but argue alot and the competition is huge between them. We have issues when one brings something over that the other doesnt have. We have issues when his kids come over with money to spend, but i cannot afford to give my kids money! - feel like saying that no money is to come over with them, that way its fair!

I spend the whole weekend tidying up, or cooking in the kitchen - and i am totally relieved when sunday evening comes around and they are going! which i feel guilty about.

His kids are rubbish sleepers, one wakes up crying, but doesnt know why - and this can go on for a few hours in an evening! the other older one, still needs the lights on (im talking bedroom and all the landing and bathroom lights) which i dont think is right for the age! and should be dealt with gradually with praise etc.

Because their mum always takes them out (im talking nearly every day - as she cannot seem to say in a house on her own) the kids think we should also entertain them constantly all weekend, which to be honest, we cannot afford to do!

They have laptops, wii, xbox, games, toys, books, dvd's, bikes, trampoline etc here, and we do try to enterain them, but sometimes, we have jobs which need doing, but they seem unable to entertain themselves.

The kids lay the guilt even further by telling their mum (apparently) that they dont get much time with daddy on their own, but my opinion is (and maybe im wrong) is that we are a blended family and everyone has to learn to accept that. He has in the past, offered to play for instance football with his kids when they are here, but because they are playing with other kids are not interested at the time - so you cannot win!

I am frustrated because i feel that the mother has created this attitude in them where they are not independent, taken out all the time, fixated with money etc etc. And to be totally honest, i dread having the kids over! which i know i should not.

I cant talk about this to my partner, as he will see this as a dig that im getting at his children, i have told him that he feels guilt both towards the kids and the ex!!!! and he has not denied it. I have told him that he panders to her too much.

So, i too sometimes feel like life would be easier on my own, but hope that as time goes by the kids will get easier!

JJO's picture