Schedules
I share custody and co-parent with my ex-wife. I have an almost 18 year old and a 14 year old. My fiance has an 11, 16, and 19 year old. My ex lives about 2 miles away. We split the time with our kids but my oldest son likes to hang out at my house during the daytime before he heads to football practice. My fiance flips out. She doesnt think I should allow either of my kids at the house that often or at all when its not my day. I personally dont care and I think the reason she cares is because she views it as some added benefit to my ex wife when in reality, it has nothing to do with my ex, its about my kids always feeling welcome. Her 11 year old is with her dad every other weekend so she is with us most of the time, her 16 year old is with us 100%, and the 19 year old lives mostly with his GF and comes by every week or so. My fiance doesnt really like my oldest, hes a typical teenager and they dont see eye to eye much. He doesnt understand why her kids are allowed to be at the house whenever they want but he is not. She keeps thowing out "consistancy with schedule" and flips out when he drops by for a while during the summer days when everyone is at work. She likes the option of working from home (although she has an office close by). Anyway, my take is that I dont ever want my kids to feel that they are not welcome at the house. He only comes by during the day because its the house he grew up in, he is more comfortable. It does not negativly impact my fiance, he cleans up after himself as well as all the other kids (which is pretty good). I tell her that being ridgid with the "consistancy" in the day to day schedule is less beneficial than my kids feeling welcome in their own home. I dont allow it to interfear with plans, she doesnt have to clean up after my kids, she doesnt have to do anything for them. She just doenst want them there. Its exhausting. I dont feel good about making my kids feel unwelcome. It would be different if he was a pain, making a mess, etc etc but hes not.
Thoughts?
Hmm. To you he may seem fine
Hmm. To you he may seem fine but is he doing anything or has done anything that goes against what DW wants for her household? I don’t want skids at our house on noncustody days, nor do I ever want them walking into the house unannounced (without asking ahead of time) because I might be doing something that I don’t want skids around for like I could be working, having guests over or having sex with DH. The kid needs to respect that his father’s wife wants privacy. He doesn’t own the house. I don’t want skid creeping around when they’re supposed to be “being cared for” at BMs house.
When you work from home, you
When you work from home, you don't want unexpected drop-ins, even if they don't want anything from you. And if you both got engaged with the custody agreement as it is for both sets of kids, I would understand if she's upset when there's deviation. But she knew you have 50/50 custody and you knew she has mostly 100% custody. You were both presumably ok with that. If you want your kids there all the time, you should have discussed this with her before getting engaged. It's not just about what you or your kids want. You should try to reach some sort of compromise.
Details
she doesn’t work from home exclusively. She chooses to on occasion but she has an office. My son doesn’t creep around. He has football responsibilities in the morning and then SOMETIMES comes to my house afterwards to shower, snag some food and hang out in his room where he has a few more amenities than at his moms. He hasn’t done anything to cause any issues with her and stays out of her way. He grew up in this house and is more comfortable here than at his moms. My fiancé also know that although I legally share custody my oldest lived with me pretty exclusively when she moved in. I have had him spending more time at his moms since March. His view is that her kids can come and go as they please anytime they want but he is not allowed. It hurts his feelings
It’s not a good idea to go on
It’s not a good idea to go on the internet to find info to support your view then use it with your wife to support your case. She’s been very clear regarding her wishes. You can find all kinds of views on the internet to support any view. You should listen to your wife and work with her, instead of seeking info on the internet to support your view. It’s disrespectful to your wife. What if every time you had an opinion she found an article to contradict you.
Hmm
I can understand your point but you were implying that her views and wishes are more important than mine. I’m not trying to find ammo on the Internet. But my kids are extremely important to me as well and I don’t want my own children to feel unwanted in their own home. I feel that all the kids should be treated for the most part equally and fairly. I don’t see how it is fair and equitable if some of the kids are allowed to be there and some are not. I have compromised in many different ways . I realize relationships are give-and-take.
Um, don't we all sort of do
Um, don't we all sort of do that on this site?
On our custody days we don’t
On our custody days we don’t drop skids at BMs nor do we communicate to them that they can stop by her whenever they want. She does the same for us. Noncustody days mean no kids.
How old are your kids?
How old are your kids?
Sd13, DD15, SS17, SS24
Sd13, DD15, SS17, SS24
The lack of consistency and
The lack of consistency and dropping by whenever would drive me insane in my home.
If you want your wife to feel at home and comfortable in this place that you're trying to turn into a home for the two of you, you should try to understand this.
I guess you should ask yourself - do you want your soon-to-be grown son to feel comfortable in the home or your soon-to-be wife to feel comfortable?
I get that it's annoying that her kids live there nearly full-time and yours don't...that would probably be tough. But it's not like she's allowing her kids to "drop by" daily and have the run of the place...they live there or they visit. I doubt her kids drop by on the days they're supposed to be with their dad...right? If they did, and you were working from home, would it annoy you that they dropped by unannounced on what is supposed to be a kid-free day? If it would...then you understand your fiance's perspecitve. That's her complaint...not that the kid is there, but that she can NEVER count on some free hours/alone time/consistency in the schedule the way that you can.
It sounds like your son exists in this strange place where your fiance can't figure out if he lives there or if he's a guest. That would drive me crazy as well.
I don't know. I don't want to
I don't know. I don't want to be the "bad" guy here but all of DH's kids drop by intermittently. It doesn't bother me. They usually ask if we are home first because we live in the middle of nowhere and they don't want to waste the gas. My nephew, who lives next door, gets rides from SS for football practice so he's over about every other day. I have told him he's welcome to eat or drink whatever he wants provided that it's not alcohol. He's 17. He's pretty respectful, thankfully, but a typical somewhat hyper 17 yo.
I think your fiancee should
I think your fiancee should be with someone who doesn't have kids.
Very selfish of her to think it's okay for HER kids to come and go as they please, but not yours. Surely, she knew this went on, that your kids were welcome in your own home, prior to moving in with you? Now, she wants to change the rules... but only for YOUR kids.
Nope.
I don't think she is the poster child for "consistency with schedule", either. Maybe, if she consistently worked at the office, or made sure her kids kept to a schedule, she could use that argument.
I get what she's saying and feeling, I do. I have no kids, never wanted any. I am selfish and controlling, I like my space and privacy. I can guarantee you I would not have moved into a home that belonged to my husband, that his kid grew up in, that was only 2 miles from the ex. He would have had no problem with his daughter being there, whenever she wanted, and he would have had that right.
Your fiancee should have addressed this before she moved in, if it was a problem for her. A lot of people do this, don't communicate, then just expect to change things later. It rarely ends well.
I agree that his fiance
I agree that his fiance should probably move on to someone without kids...but I don't get the impression from his post that she's inconsistent with her kids' schedules. They are there more because she's the custodial parent - but does she allow them to just drop by when and how they please when they're with their dad? That's what she has an issue with concerning her oldest skid...and I'd have an issue with it, too.
OP knows the custody schedule and knows what to expect. His fiance can't ever count on having a couple hours to herself to get her work done, watch her favorite show, etc without being barged in on.
These are two very different things - having primary custody (so the kids are there a lot) vs having shared custody but not enforcing any kind of custody schedule.
My question to OP remains. Put yourself in fiance's shoes. Her kids are with their dad for their scheduled visitation, you're home, enjoying your kid-free time...and boom. Skid walks through the door unannounced, without knocking. How would that make you feel? Would you feel comfortable and cared for in the home, given that arrangement? Or would it feel like an intrusion?
unexpected visits
I would object to this because he doesn't live there. I understand why he feels comfortable there, you've made that clear. And it's great, you want your kids to feel comfortable in your home- we all want that. But for an adult kid that doesn't live in the home to just drop in unexpectedly- and he is doing this when his parent isnt' there, so he isn't there to see you or your wife or any people in the home, but use the amenities of the home- that would bother me.
If he were to call the house (not a cell, but the home phone if there is one), speak with the adult that is at home, and ASK if it's okay to come over for an hour or two to shower etc, (and respect the answer if he is told 'no') then that would be different.
We have a nice fishing pond and my adult daughters like to come over to fish. Shortly after my SO moved in, one daughter just showed up to fish (I was at work & he was at home alone). He told her that it wasn't a good time and asked her to leave. She called me about it, and I backed up my SO. She learned that my SO and I are a team now and I respected his decision on that and calls every time now.
It's about establishing healthy boundaries with your kids that are becoming adults and shows your wife that you respect her as the other half of your team.
^^^Yes...all of this ^^^
^^^Yes...all of this ^^^
I've said many times on this board - the expectation that nothing will change (and that nothing SHOULD change) for your kids when YOU decide to remarry...is delusional and completely unfair to the new spouse. Yes. Your son used to come and go as he pleased when it was just you. So what? There's another person in the household to consider now.
We do this all the time in all kinds of living arrangements. A new baby is born, and everyone in the household adjusts schedules and expectations to accommodate the newcomer. You decide to take on a roommate instead of living alone - you used to walk around in your underwear and now you don't. You used to play your drums at 3 am when you couldn't sleep...and now you don't. You have a new person to consider.
For some reason, it seems like it's only when the newcomer is a stepmom that people get all up in arms and hate on her for having some pretty basic expectations for consideration in the home that she's helping to run and provide for...think she's a selfish witch just for wanting some consistency and privacy in her own home. It's weird that people genuinely think that because this is how single dad and his kids operated BEFORE "she" came along...that should be how they continue to operate. Why? I don't understand this assumption.
Your issue is a sticky one. You're not wrong for wanting your kids to feel welcome in your home...but it's not only your home anymore. Your fiance is also not wrong for wanting to be able to expect basic privacy in her own home. Again...it's a pretty basic need. Imagine it was any other nearly-adult male that your soon-to-be wife is not related to in any way...would you expect her to be cool with a nearly-adult male walking in without knocking and taking over the house...making food, watching TV, taking a shower. Probably not.
If it were me...I'd back my fiance and set some boundaries with my kids. Your wife is working and, presumably, contributing to this shared home. Your kids are not. It's OK for her to expect some boundaries and be able to set some rules. It's OK for them to have to ask to use the things that belong to the two of you. They're not going to die because you expect them to make some accommodations for the new member of the household...people do it all the time,
PS - the door-knocking issue is a big one around here, and it can be really tricky. My skids kind of naturally adopted a pattern - if they were with us for visitation, they came and went without knocking. I expected that, DH expected that. It would have felt really weird if they knocked. If they were dropping by before school because they forgot something...or after school for any reason...they always knocked. They weren't with us and we weren't expecting them. We never discussed this...they just did this on their own, and it worked really well for me / us. Now they're all older and out of the house, and they knock when they stop by, even if we're expecting them...just like I knock at my mom's house when I drop by, even though it's the house I grew up in. It's no longer my house. Your oldest son is in a weird transitional moment...maybe you can try to set some reasonabile boundaries and expectations with your fiance that still allow for your son to come by but also respect her need for consistency and privacy. At the very least, I'd try to assure her that when skid is grown, you will establish some expectations for calling/asking before coming over.
"before"
I like the examples you used for the 'before' stuff.
It's hard as a step parent to establish your role with the entire family, and probably much harder on the one that moves in to an already established home.
I think this would be a good time to call a household meeting to really establish clear boundaries and expectations for all of the children and the adults.
Right?
Right?
I love how men with kids CHOOSE to marry and bring a new person into their lives...and then, for some reason, expect that nothing will change for them and their children. How horribly unfair and disempowering for their wives. Why on earth would the expectation be that your WIFE won't have any impact on how you run your household? Why would you think you get some kind of giant trump card just because you have kids?
I mean...imagine this assumption in any other context. Well...I always stayed out until 2 am and hit on women in bars before "she" came along. Who does she think she is, anyway?? I was very comfortable in this lifestyle and now she has a complaint? Or...I always spent all my spare money on vintage action figures before I married "her" but now she wants me to start putting money aside for our kids. What a b****!!! How dare she try to change my routine in any way!
That's what I always see when guys come on here and talk about how wonderful and comfortable everything was BEFORE "she" started having demands regarding their kids. Um. You don't want to make accommodations and consider another person...don't pursue, court, and marry "her" then. Leave her in peace.
His son is not an adult, he's
His son is not an adult, he's 17 and in high school. OP shares custody with the ex and the kid lived with OP exclusively when the fiancee moved in. I didn't read anywhere that the kid had actually moved out, just spends more time at BM's than he used to, so to say that the kid doesn't live there is not exactly correct.
<strong>"We split the time
"We split the time with our kids but my oldest son likes to hang out at my house during the daytime before he heads to football practice. My fiance flips out. She doesnt think I should allow either of my kids at the house that often or at all when its not my day."
You're making a lot of assumptions based on information that's not actually in the original post. Where do you read that the fiance's kids "come and go as they please?"
Where do you read anywhere that this kid lived with OP exclusively when the fiance moved in? I read that fiance has primary custody, so kids are there more...but he's never said that they drop by unannounced during their time with their dad. I read that OP and his ex have shared custody, and he's cool with allowing his son to come by at will, pretty much daily, even when it's not his day. That's the fiance's complaint...and I think it's a totally fair one.
maybe
I assumed a lot by the words that the OP used, I guess. His wording is what has me using words like adult as I saw 18, but missed the almost 18 part. OP says come by to shower, or snag food, hang out in his room, as he has more amenities that at his mom's. I guess I'm reading it wrong, but it struck me as the son had moved out & did not live there. If he does live there, of course that changes the dynamic, but at any rate he is there at times that he is not expected to be there. That is what seems to be the main issue.
If only there were some sort of invention that allowed someone in one part of the world to communicate with someone in another part of the world...wouldn't that be awesome to help in these types of situations
No...I don't think you're
No...I don't think you're reading it wrong. Nowhere does he say his son lived with him exclusively before the fiance moved in. Just the opposite...he says very clearly that he and his ex share custody, and that his oldest son is coming by to hang out at the house during his mom's days.
Not sure where Hereiam is getting this super-secret addiitonal info about the living arrangements...
No super-secret info, I just
No super-secret info, I just read his responses, as well as the original post.
You have to understand
Your wife does not want your 18 yo adult son to come and go as he pleases. Taking showers and eating food in her house. What you think doesn’t matter. This is what she wants. Personality I agree with her. I is different when the kids are living with you. They clean up after themselves, know what to eat and what not to eat. You have to face those facts
As I remember it, Mike Brady
As I remember it, Mike Brady sat down his boys and told them, "Now boys, Carol, Marsha, Cindy and What's Her Name are living here now, so you must respect their space and make them feel at home because this is their home now too."
Mike Brady didn't sit down Carol Brady and tell her, "Now Carol, my boys and Tiger like to rough house and break shit, come and go as they please, and leave the seats up, so you should store all your breakable shit away, including Marsha's nose, because if I tell them not to break your shit, they won't feel at home here anymore."
TwoOfUs is absolutely right: if you don't want to completely upend your kids' lives and make them feel uncomfortable in their own home don't shack up with someone. You just moved in a bunch of people, you spend more time with her kids than your own, and you think telling your son he can't shower there is the hurtful part???
Dude, the whole thing is hurtful to your son. And not just your son -- all of the kids you've affected for your relationship.
CJJeeper, did you ask your kids if they want her and all her kids moving into your house? (Probably not.) Do you think she asked her kids if they wanted to move into your house? (Probably not.)
My guess is none of the kids in this blessed union like living in your combined household with people they hardly know. But you did it anyway because it's what YOU, the adults, wanted. So stop acting like telling this kid he can't be there at certain times will shatter his world. It's already turned upside down by everything else you've done to the household.
Now fiance wants something that you don't want your son to have to give up. But by moving in when your kids would probably rather not live together, you've already decided the adults are calling the shots whether the kids like it or not. So handle this the way you handled shacking up together -- do what your fiance wants whether your son likes it or not.
Of course it's weird that HER kids get to live in your kids' house full time and now your kids can't be there whenever they want. What did you THINK would happen when you shacked up with a woman with a bunch of younger kids??? Surely you must have considered the awkwardness of that whole situation.
Do yourselves a favor: buy a new house further from BM. Make it your house with fiance and not your kids' house or her kids' house. Their happy childhood memories of that house are already outdated, so might as well move on into comfort.
CJJeeper, your son will probably resent your fiance for forcing changes to the household that he's not used to. But if you want to be fair to fiance, you should take the blame because you decided to take up with a woman and make all these changes that your son now has to live wtih. In fact, all the kids in this mess have endured changes they probably hate -- like having to live with a bunch of strangers just because you and fiance wanted to live together. Like Mike Brady, you'd be smart to point out to all of the kids that you two are the adults and the house belongs to the adults, not whoever lived there longest. You've already shoved these kids into this situation to accommodate your needs, so you might as well continue allowing the adults in the household to decide how things will be done, and that means your son needs to hang out elsewhere.
It is pretty sad for your son. It's pretty sad, awkward and weird for all the kids. But hey, as long as you and fiance get your needs met, who cares?
In our situation this would
In our situation this would be a non issue. But then again we only have one kid in the picture where the OP and his DF have a number of non joint kids of several ages to deal with.
my parents home is our home as well as my brother and his families home. We all drop in, crash and leave with only a heads up. Mom and dad welcome it.
our home is my SS’s home and neither I nor his mom would have a problem with him dropping in.
if he walks in on intimate activities..... oh well. If he shows up.... he gets to clean up after himself and do chores..... Welcome home kid!
It seems to me that the OP and his DF need to have a come to Jesus talk about their home and how to facilitate kids in that home while keeping their equity partnership the center and priority.