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Role Play or Just Denial

Aqiyla23's picture

I've currently been having overbearing, emotional issues with my step son. Nothing negative or atleast from my perspective. I've been in my step sons life since he was two years old and we've always had a positive relationship. His biological mother is in his life but only when it's convenient for her. He's been expressing extreme concern of how he doesn't want to go to her house because it just doesn't feel like a home. Being a mother of boys is tough but when one of those boys has Autism it can become somewhat of a Madhouse, but in all we are a very loving family. I take pride in the relationship I have with my step son but he's beginning to "express himself" verbally about his bio mom and my husband and I have to sometimes beg him or bribe to even go with her on his weekend visits. It's just become extremely uncomfortable for me because I love him dearly but I also want him to love his mother and be able to talk to her about some of these feelings so that he can be as comfortable with her as he is with me. She just not there with him emotionally her idea of communication is texting him from the other room with to me is insane just get up and talk to him! Face to face he desperately needs emotional, physical, and verbal love he's only 8 these years are so vital and I just don't know how to explain to her that she needs to do better without sounding like a prude. 

GrudgingSM's picture

 It seems like you care for your SS very deeply, however even if you meant well, telling his mom how to parent him will not go over well. If you need to have boundaries with him about what he can share with you, that's totally appropriate and OK! In fact role model some thing really healthy. If he's not in therapy right now, that might be a good idea. It would give a neutral third-party for him to share difficult emotions with. At his age he might be frustrated, but unless there's extreme abuse or neglect, it's not like the custody order would change. If he still hates going over there as a teenager, then there's some thing that can probably be done legally, though that varies state by state. But I would strongly strongly caution you against reaching out to the mom and telling her what her son needs.

tog redux's picture

Good for you for being able to see that this boy needs his mother and valuing that relationship even if it's not a great one. Too many people see it as a competition with the bio mom. Does he have a therapist? If his father finds a good therapist who works with families too, that person can invite BM to join sessions and help with their relationship. I agree it can't be you or his father telling BM how to build a better relationship with him, but a therapist could if BM is willing to participate. 

Rags's picture

Being the REAL parent to a Skid while recognizing that their Bio parent in the opposition needs to be an important and participating part our Skid's life even when that Bio is a POS is a tough place to be as the Skid's REAL mother or father.

My Sparenting journey with my son (SS-28) began at the same SKid age as your adventure began.

Like your SS clearly recognizes, my son knows  who his father is.  Smart Skids get it.  My son asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.