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Resentment: My Man's Son and the Stagnant Relationship

Patience Waning's picture

Omg. I don't know what's more important - venting this or getting some sound, experienced advice. Here goes: I've been w/my bf 4 years. He is my best friend. Soulmate. I have a son, 6. he has a son, 13. There's an ex wife on his side. No ex on mine. His Ex is immature, irresponsible as far as jobs, parenting, health, etc.,and vindictive and spiteful toward our relationship; she also still loves my bf - despite the fact that she began a live in relationship w/a new guy a few weeks after my bf moved to his own apt and they've been divorced for two years. The 1st year of the separation, my bf wouldn't bring his son around me out of concern for his son's feelings (i can dig that) and fear of retaliation from the mother (I reject this type of threat). Normally, this would be totally understandable, except for the fact that his son LOVED his new "stepdad" and had no problem w/his mom moving on. Ok? So, when he would have his son on the weekends and couple of weeknights, we barely spoke. when I did call (cause bf rarely did), i felt rushed off and like an intruder. We fought a lot. Missing my bf exasperated other issues that wouldn't have been so emotionally charged. I admit, I acted out, out of frustration. I had also been enduring my bf's guilt over leaving his wife, who had kids he raised from a prev. relationship as well as their BS, and his feelings of remorse over a failed marriage. his guilt would lead to him rejecting me at times and wanting to "be alone" a lot. but! over time, things seemed to get better. He gradually brought his son around me and my son (whom he'd been exposed to for months). Here the issues began. His son started reporting to his mom like Ted Coppell. he told his mother he was upset because: My bf cut up my son's meat. I clipped my bf's nails. He didn't like the familiarity between my son and bf, etc. He was jealous. I got this...and tried to bond with him so that he would feel included and include US in HIS heart. eventually we progressed to my bf and son staying the night, but everytime they showed up, his son would be sulking and withdrawn. One night he went to bed with his jeans on and i had to tell my bf so he could make him take them off. At this point he began reporting pretty much anything that could be deemed negative that went on in MY house to his mother... at the same time, the mom's relationship was in full swing and the son began to feel "neglected". Her other kids were living elsewhere and she would devote her attention to the bf. the son began having tantrums and declared he wanted to live w/his dad. I encouraged it for both their good. when his son moved in, we only saw each other every other weekend at first... so that his son could "adjust" and sometimes the stretch was longer, depending on if the ex "could take him" that week. My bf implemented a little thing called parenting and his son was dismayed to learn that he would be going to school everyday (and getting decent grades) eating healthy, going to bed at a decent hour, practicing good hygene, etc. Our overnights resumed and so did the weekend updates to his mother. Meanwhile my son falls in love with this kid and is beginning to look at my bf as a stepdad. at some point the son reads text messages between me and his father ( where I allegedly bad mouthed his mother - which iTOTALLY cop to) but on what planet is it ok for a kid to steal his dads phone for weeks and read the text history like a novel? the son would also show slight disrespect toward me when his father wasn't around, but act like an angel his presence. Flashforward to now: After the last blow up the son had about "why he doesn't want to come to my house with his dad". the son BEGGED to go back to live w/his mother. They complied, which i found incredibly indulgant. my bf began to keep his relationship with my son and i and the son very separate. i haven't seen his son in months. had to finally talk to MY baby because he asked about my bfs son multiple times a day and missed him like crazy. Now I see my bf a few nights during the week, cause he's back on weekend duty. I feel that my bf holds back w/my son cause he doesn't want to hurt his son's feelings. his son doesn't like his father interactly with ANY other kid in a fatherly manner. not even his own siblings. he has been indulged as the favorite and has been doted on and given into. he now shows conceit and acts way too old for his age when his dad's not around. his parents act like marrionettes and he's the puppet master. his son had shown repeated acts of disloyalty toward my bf and has been pretty mean to him. My bf and i are completely stagnant. we know that the mother AND son would keep his son from my bf is we moved in, G forbid got married. I'm in my mid-30s, never been married and want at least one more child. my bf has expressed unhappiness and we've discussed breaking up for HIS relief and peace of mind. im so resentful. at times i feel like i really don't like this little boy and this is a foreign, uncomfortable feeling for me. i hide it from everyone. im beginning to resent my bf who would consider leaving me for the sake of not conducting two families. for this boy who has flip flopped and manipulated BOTH his parents. this child who will one day grow up and have his OWN wife and kids. I dont think children should chose their parents' partners. I am so disgusted, sad and lonely... and there's actually MORE to the story. If you've been here, i want to hear from you. I feel like i need a support group.

Pantera's picture

I agree with all of the above. This is similar to my situation. I actually left my DH for 2 1/2 weeks not too long ago and he got a dose of reality. He finally realized that he needed to step up and be a parent and that the guilt was just making his son a spoiled brat (I hate using those words but it is what it is).