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Relationship in ruins and can’t figure out how to fix it

Mummieothree's picture

We got together and took a year to introduce, integrate, and work on blending. 3 years later and I’m considering selling our home and leaving with my three boys. We’ve been engaged for 2 years, knowing I value marriage and would want this modeled for my kids was something I was upfront about. Year 2 and 3 the kids’ mother went into hyperdrive and anlienated the kids, had them ‘spy’ (with rewards for juicy info), she called DCF on us (to hurt me due to my line of work being a therapist for kids on the spectrum, smear my reputation, and coached the kids what to say. This all came out in the investigation and the kids opened up about what happened... we never had this issue again). But boy did this take a toll. The kids and their mother said I allow abuse when my 86 year old grandmother hugs them! Sickening! That I have defication areas in my house and allow kids to pee in buckets.. I mean deranged and sick stuff. So we walked in egg shells. DH feared loss of kids and never said no. We weren’t allowed to talk to kids about anything and they learned that we feared them. I kept thinking onward and support them as children; the victims of a sick woman. We did the court avenue.. we have them 50%.. things have been better behaviorally. His kids are less violent, doing better in school, and appear happier/ to be settled. My DH isn’t. He can’t talk about future, doesn’t want to marry, leads a separate at times life with his kids so they don’t feel slighted (holidays, outings, family time, etc). I feel like me and my boys are the odd-ducks out; visitors in their home. I have had my parenting belt taken off and was told I am not respected or able to parent. I have no legal rights and now faced with him not being on same page about future, I think I have to walk. I invested time, patience, empathy, my financial savings into our family and home and realize I will never be a family to them... please tell me I’m not alone. What would you do?

Letti.R's picture

I walked after 4 years - we were engaged.
I couldn't deal with a psycho BM and her egging on of her two kids into insane coddled behaviour.
The one kid was sweet and fine, the other a violent, disturbed teenaged girl who was out of control and her mother encouraged it.
No man or woman is worth this kind of domestic terror.
It is no way to live.
Leave.
Take your kids and create a normal life for them and yourself.
Its only 3 years of history weighed against the rest of your life in misery.
 

Mummieothree's picture

hearing you talk really validated. It’s so frigging hard to watch so much insanity happen and then pretend like things are normal.

Curious Georgetta's picture

that he either buy my  interest in the property of that we put it up for sale.  I would then take my kids and get as far removed from this situation as possible.

There is nothing fixable in this situation. The most that you can hope for is to recoup some of the financial investment that you !an have made when purchasing the property.

What about this situation is anything that you could possibly want to fix or salvage?

 

Mummieothree's picture

i bought into the dream.. and things went so wrong and I’m on edge, he escapes in unhealthy ways; is avoidant. He’s not happy and I see it. I have to think about the boys and I. Thanks!!

Annoyed1's picture

It took me 12 years to walk, but I didn't have my own kids involved. Reading everything that you wrote, I wouldn't walk... I would RUN and not look back. What do you get out of this relationship? My ex and I were engaged for 8 of those 12 years. Engaged for EIGHT years. Because I knew in my heart the relationship was wrong for me so I didn't pursue a wedding date or any wedding plans. Thank Goodness! We had CPS (Child protective services in Canada) called on us and it was all false allegations. It takes a toll on someones mental well being. Do not wait. You know in your heart what you need to do. Please don't let it take 12 years to do it. I wish I left sooner. Since leaving, I've met my DH, who has no children and we started our own little family. 1 son with another one on the way. The only regret I have is not leaving sooner. 

Mummieothree's picture

Congrats to you and your growing family!! Love sometimes isn’t enough. Strain and all those extra factors are breaking points. How can you move forward when in survival mode. I guess all happens for a reason. I’ve just been fearful to take next step but needed some support from those who would understand! Thanks for sharing Annoyed1

Annoyed1's picture

Thanks! You're absolutely right. Love sometimes isn't enough. I loved my ex and that led me to be blind to a LOT of abuse. Leaving wasn't easy, it really wasn't. You need to do what's best for your and your kiddo's. We're all here for you and are rooting for you. You've got this. You're stronger and more capable than you think. 

Mummieothree's picture

Thank you. So strange sitting on this side. As a therapist, I listen, take it in, come up with solutions and process.. my personal life: I literally can’t talk. We pretend it didn’t happen in fear of stirring things up. Pascify he kids by doing, buying, donating time into anything they are involved in, just keep going.

I wanted marriage. I wanted security. I thought we were building but these past few months I find have been a time for contemplation. I have to be the one to sever this and I’m so worried due to all the logistics. How crazy is that? I’m not worried about the kids due to honestly, they didn’t fully bond. His older kids were scary to mine (yelling, being over the top, large tantrums, and sometimes being violent towards their dad or me). So I don’t think it’s the worst to get away... I worked hard to shield mine but they don’t like that there appears to be two sets of rules in the house and they are seeing it recently as they get older. I do have high standards, I love and respect my kids and want the best. Thanks for listening!

Mummieothree's picture

So side ? For you... after agreeing and I have to walk; how do I sell when his kids don’t respect me and won’t clean room or pick up after thrmselves? We both have to live in the house while on market I believe. We haven’t talked to kids.. just to each other about the possibility of a split. When we do, they may revolt and sabotage. They are dirty in habits and refuse to clean rooms. This is horrible selling point; we have a beautiful home with eyesores for kids’ rooms. They can’t be asked to do anything and he engages in battles just to do minimum. Ex. They won’t flush or wash hands when using bathrooms. Ages: 14,13,9... and I ask nicely but cleanliness has always been an issue since we bought the house. Hasn’t gotten better. I bite tongue but now I’m concerned about recouping and detriment to selling! I also can’t drive myself nuts cleaning any more than I do after everyone. Just worried and not sure how to motivate everyone or deal with backlash.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

This sounds as if you already made up your mind but figuring out the logistics is what is holding you back. 

Easy solution - everyone move out while house is on the market.

If it is your property then DH and skids move out then put the property on the market.

Second solution would be to only show the home when skids are not there and clean once they leave. This solution.seems daunting, but what's worse, continuing down the path you are on?

In the meantime begin to get everything in order. 

Mummieothree's picture

True.. so true.. this is our 4th year together and we have a lot of project in the house for past 3... so I’ve been packing up attic, making to-do lists, and staging. He knows why... he hasn’t helped cause he’s paralyzed in a depressive funk. I’m in go mode, solution focused, but limited to know how to navigate. I cleaned out my kids rooms and minimized... but his kids have two of the bedrooms and they are soooooo terrible. I asked him about moving out to sell and he said he can’t afford to. I’ll have to use your suggestion, stage what I can, clean top to bottom, and enlist the dad to get the rooms in order. I’ll talk to my family’s agent and see if he can list. I’ve had that in back of my mind.. I’ll see about showings when his aren’t here. Would make things easier for sure! I’ve owned a few homes and I know it takes a lot to clean and organize to maximize sale and time... if I rip bandaid off and for sure call quits.. have to be prepared. Frigging limbo is killing me.

thanks for the help!! 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Service to do a deep cleaning  and  ask him to.then maintain a weekly service  to maintain his kids bedrooms while the house is listed.

You can also ask him to speak to the  mortgage company about a refinance so that he can buy.you out. It is unlikely that after only 3 years either of you have any real equity in the home, but a refinance might get you some  small amount of start over dollars.

Your plan B should be based upon the assumption that little or no money will be forthcoming from the sale of the home.

Good luck and stay strong .

 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

You go to a lawyer and have a “prenup” style contract drawn up that says he owes you for any hit to the sale price of the house because of skid damage. Then you and this spineless wimp of a man decide on a date that the house goes on the market. Two weeks before that date, about 3 hours before a kids walk out the door to go back to BMs, you hand them some totes and tell them that they need to pack up anything of value or take it to BMs. Everything else that is left in the room will either be thrown away or donated. Then you have 2 weeks to prep the house for market, skids never return. The SWOM can go get his own house or an apartment in this time period.

or, alternately, he can buy you out for half of what a comparable house sold for in your neighborhood.

Mummieothree's picture

Sounds like you have experience. Great idea! I’ll def have them pack up. Empty rooms are better than messy rooms. I am tired of not having a voice with his. My kids toe the line.. and are younger. Yes ma’am’s and yes sir. His laugh and poke fun but I’m the parent and have to have order and give/get respect. I have tried to be sympathetic to his, that they are ‘adjusting’ and gave grace when not my battle. But he’s lost his kids in the process. They lost respect for him and steam-roll him. I know he’s depressed because he didn’t want them to become like the BM. But he married and procreated with her.. it’s his cross to bare. 

Side note.. so nice to finally say all these things!! I say it in my head... just never to anyone.. once it’s said, you can’t take it back and action has to happen. 

Survivingstephell's picture

You did point out to him that the kids rooms will bring down the price of the house and that will affect HIS outcome.  No reason why you should absorb the loss because he's in a funk and won't parent.  A good realtor can tell you the difference between prices with work to do and a ready to go house.  

Money usually gets thru to men.  Keep it to facts and figures.  

Mummieothree's picture

I asked him to talk and told him April 1... were listing. Gives two months to get the house in order and get anything done inside/outside. He was flabbergasted, he isn’t talking to me now.. turtle-mode. We both knew this was coming but haven’t really talked definitely about details and had hope things/time would make things easier. 

 

So so we have a date now. Time to put details and the money stuff out there. I’ll have the realtor meet us in the next few weeks to have a straight talk about the rooms. Thanks for the suggestion!! I’m in go-mode for sure

SteppedOut's picture

Good for you! Don't waste time now that you know thing will never get better and probably even worse. 

Getting you and your children out of that awful situation is the best thing for all of you. I know it's hard to get to that realization and it takes lots of courage! 

Best wishes for your future! 

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Run! Girl! Run!

Run for the f*cking hills!

Mummieothree's picture

Lol... sound advice and I appreciate it! This has been so hard to talk about and you guys have all been so supportive. I needed to hear some constructive feedback from people I don’t have to sit across from at the dinner table or work with in the office. It’s like a dirty little secret... I appreciate the help and finding my voice. Wheels are in motion after literally months of limbo.

Rags's picture

You are far from alone.

However, why would you remain in a relationship with a ball-less wonder of a non man?  You are exposing your own children to the toxic cess pool of this shallow and polluted gene pool and the crappy behavior that runs rampant in it.  I get that your SKids are victims of their toxic mother. They are also victims of your husband's inability to model how a confident man behaves, bonds with his partner, and navigates life.

Your BF cannot model an example of healthy manhood to your boys.  Why continue to force them to be exposed to this mess?

Save yourself. Save your kids. 

Move on.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

Mummieothree's picture

So true Rags. I took Friday and went to my mums to just get away.  I came back in for the past two days we have been trying to sort out who gets what in the house. And then today… He starts asking about his daughter. Apparently she FaceTime to her mother and told her that I am talking about her. Here we go again. For the record that troll went to Florida without her kids for “adult time“.  My 10-year-old inquisitive son asked her why she was with with us for the entire week and she Talked about her mom are going to Florida. Of course he asked, “why is she not taking you? She always gets adult time. We always go to Florida as a family.” 

 So instead of his daughter talking about her feelings and maybe potentially her being hurt by not being able to go to Florida, she decided to say that I talked about her and now that troll is blowing his phone up. I talked to him about it, his idea is that we should just not pay attention to it or talk to the kids. This is exactly why we are where we are. He doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers or cause any more issues. The problem is is that, if we don’t talk about it the kids have learned that they go to her and talk to her about everything and embellishments are rewarded “juicy gossip”.  They won’t be accountable for resolve, feelings, words, actions. It’s an important part of communication and relationships to express feelings, even if they are hard. Instead they go to BM and bounce ideas off her; not exactly a picture of good emotional health or sound ethics.. If I needed a reminder that I’m doing the right thing… I just got it this morning. 

marblefawn's picture

I'm pretty happy for you!

You're in go mode and you're going. When you're finally through the logistics, you'll have peace. When was the last time you had some peace?

Be careful as you head into separation. Watch his mood and for god's sake, if he has guns, hide them away until you're through this. Good luck. You're starting a whole new life!

Mummieothree's picture

Thanks guys! I guess I kept a pro and con list in my head and he was everything my ex-husband wasn’t. I went way on the othe side of the spectum. So I saw a man who does everything for his kids and loves with no bounds.. a family man. This is opposite as my ex was very controlling and absent, always away on “business”. So I took a few years off and fell in love with a “family man”. 

I didn’t know he would soon become doormat and bend backwards for these children. He wouldn’t listen to me. I said buck-up. You have to show them that you are the parent. Kids need to know who’s in charge. Otherwise they will make their own rules and we will have a lord of the flies situation.  I want some of this when I saw it coming a mile away when we first merge households three years ago. I guess I felt the pot committed at that point because I had already sold my house and moved into his and we are put a down payment on a together home. That’s when the kids mother kicked it into high gear. Those two years were hell. This last year’s been relatively mellow but it’s because she has a boyfriend. I’m worried if he doesn’t stick around, or that I start pushing back on the responsibilities of the kids and taking back Order, she will turn her sights on me again. I don’t have he money for another lawyer or want to risk my license ad a counselor because she’s sick and manipulative.

You guys have been a tremendous support. I think deep down even if we know what we need to do it’s hard to pull the trigger and get the ball going. But I appreciate every bit of support and every word on this page.

Curious Georgetta's picture

this relationship because you thought that you had found a prospective husband and family man. Now he says that he no longer wants to marry you, and he is not blending in any real sense with your kids.

You have made your list of pros and cons about the man and the relationship.

Maybe now you can empower your self by making a ist of the things in your life over which you have control and the steps that you are going to take to effect that control.

Without making plans to modify the things in your control, you are not living a life instead you are letting life happen to you.  

Find your inner strength and  begin to chart your own course.

Good luck.

susanm's picture

Youur real estate agent should be of great help to you.  He or she should be able to tell you that the house should sell for approximately X amount if it is kept in decent shape but will sell for Y amount if it is not.  Your answer to your ex is that you will take half of the profit from X if you fail to get a decent selling price because he could not control his children and keep the place decent.  Please be very cautious with your finances contributed to the household and your personal possessions in the meantime.  Anything that is known to have sentimental or actual value needs to be gotten out of there ASAP.  You may have read of another member whose 16 year old SD "accidentally" shattered an heirloom plate passed down from multiple generations.  And obviously be careful for the safety of yourself and your children.  Things are going to be very tense for the next couple of months and as a therapist you know people do things out of character during the breakup period.  Good luck with everything!