In a relationship but alone
I'm new to this forum and was happy to finally have a forum that I could participate on that was not 100% on the side of the kids like other forums that I have visited. Beware, this is a long post, but I feel the need to get all of this information out somewhere and get some responses as well.
After reading a lot of this forum and connecting many of these stories to my own situation, I have come to realize that even though we/ everyone? may be in a long term relationship/ marriage/ whatever, that we are essentially alone and not really in a partnership. Now I'm assuming that most of the times this fault falls upon the mans shoulders because it is usually them that can do something, but just choose not to.
When I was younger and with my first marriage, as well as what I envision a good relationship/ marriage to be is that the adults that make up the relationship (man/woman) will work together to form a union on anything and everything. Whether this be the kids, strangers, friends, etc. usually each person would have the others backs so to speak. Whether it is a family member issue, an issue with a stranger in public, an issue with a friend, etc. the right thing to do is to back up your partner and then talk about it later if there is any disagreement. However, when it comes to parenting and stepkids, I find that this is rarely the case and really makes me sad to know this is usually the case and hence the feeling of being alone in the relationship and even a feeling of loneliness, especially if the partners do not spend as much time together due to the kids or even if they do not live together, such as in my case.
From most things I have read on this forum, others and on the internet in general, as well as speaking to other step parents, they/we are not usually asking for anything extreme here. It's not like we are demanding that the dad cut the kids toes off or string them up by their ears to hang there and suffer! We are talking about general type of issues like house rules, discipline, visitation agreements, etc. Yes, of course I understand that everyone in this world is going to have different parenting styles, but what I'm saying is that if you decide to enter into a relationship with a partner, why can't these issues be worked out together instead of the dad usually putting his foot down and saying "this is how I am going to raise my kids and tough luck" or the step mom complaining, hiding in a bedroom, etc.?? On big issues if there is a difference and one parent really has a strong set of beliefs against something that is totally different and of course will default to the parent to decide, but little issues are way to petty to be making a big deal out of and causing tension and wedges to be driven in between the person that you claim to love! I don't understand why 2 adults cannot come together on any issue to compromise, keep the peace, make everyone happy and ensure a well balanced household where everyone is happy!?! Is it so hard for people to put aside their stubbornness and pride to work together!? If not, then other than for companionship when you want it and for sex, why enter into a relationship if you are not willing to work with each other on issues?
Since I have started this thread, just my quick story so you know where I am coming from:
I am in a long term relationship of 3 1/2 years with my BF but we do not live together. I have a grown daughter, my BF has 2 pre-teens. The kids are generally good kids, do not have any bad manners, behavior issues, etc. but my BF refuses to compromise on any issues when it comes to things like bedtime, house rules, extra visitation time and these issues are keeping our relationship at a standstill instead of us being able to move in together and take our relationship to the next level. So, I do go through many days, hours and sleep deprived nights feeling that maybe my BF does not love me as much as I love him or that maybe if he really does love me, it only goes to a certain level of which will never come close to the feelings of love and devotion to his kids. This hurts! Also due to this, I am quite lonely many times as we really only see each other about 2-3 hours a day, including weekends. To go back to one of the first paragraphs, just like with most people, I am not even asking for anything out of the ordinary here...things like having a bedtime for kids so we can have adult time in the evenings, making the kids pickup their stuff from the rest of the house, making them bring their dirty plates and glasses downstairs and when it comes to extra visitation time, discussing it together as a union in one household and deciding on what would be best for everyone instead of him just saying "this is when my kids are going to be here and if you don't like it then you don't have to be here" type of attitude. Again, WHY? Why can't dads compromise with the partner that they claim to love to make everyone happy? I just don't get it and hence my troubles that continue to simmer in my head and result in long posts like these LOL Responses that I have gotten from other threads just say to move on and leave, which of course I know is an option and have considered it many times, but that isn't what I want and again, don't understand why 2 people should just throw away a long term relationship when everything else is great over a refusal to compromise?
I hope I am getting across my feelings here and that others can not only understand what I am trying to say but to also commiserate. I would love to hear others thoughts on the issue as well. Since you are on this forum, do you also have the feeling of being alone in your relationship or do you have any tips on making sure that doesn't happen? How do you cope if you do feel that loneliness? Thanks for reading!
Sorry but it sounds to me
Sorry but it sounds to me like your partner is happy because HE is fulfilled by what you are providing HIM in your relationship. I suspect this includes an element of companionship, sex and your support however he appears to be not ready nor prepared to commit to you.
The reason any woman is with their partner is partially to make someone else happy but the majority is to find your OWN happiness with a like minded individual. Dating is test driving their ability to fulfill YOU, to meet YOUR needs, YOUR dreams and plan and fulfill a future together. After several years, none of the above is applicable. That leads me to ask, why are you even wasting your time with a person who is incapable of fulfilling what you want? Incapable of compromise, a much needed element in any healthy relationship? Why are you giving yourself away for free? You know you deserve more. Do not end up bitter and angry that you wasted precious years walking the same path to only find yourself at the same dead end. As they say, you are flogging a dead horse. Your bf is demonstrating the level of selfish provision for you he can offer, that is ALL he is prepared to give you, and you are accepting this by continuing to grace him with your presence and giving HIM what he wants. You do not deserve to be used in this manner.
Whether this is intentional or not from your bf's perspective, does not matter and this is a reflection on HIM not you.
How long are you prepared to continue when you already know where you stand?!!
Not all men are like this. I
Not all men are like this. I moved in with SO and SD6 back in June. She is with us 50/50. If there is an opportunity for additional visitation (I.e. BM has plans that fall during her time) SO always checks with me first to a. Make sure we don't have plans and b. make sure that I don't object to the additional visit. I have asked SD6 to start helping me a little bit around the house. Bring dishes to the sink, help set the table, put away her toys, etc. SO completely supports this. She has a solid bedtime ( which allows us to have grown up time at the end of the day) although it's much easier to enforce a bedtime with a 6 year old than the pre-teens you're talking about.
I know I'm lucky in this regard but it's important you know that there are guys out there who DO compromise for their partners when it comes to their children.
I think you have to decide how long you want to be disregarded. You're not just coming in last place your needs and wants are being completely ignored.
I dated a guy for a while and he was always either blowing me off in order to spend more time with his kids or he would keep me hanging all day to find out if I was going to be able to see him or not, only to get a call to say he wouldn't' be able to make it because one or both of his kids became available. I told him I was ok with being second or third but I couldn't always be last. That was the end of that.
It sounds to me like BF is
It sounds to me like BF is happy with the way things are and is bordering on emotional abuse with his way of stating if you don't like things the way they are then just leave or don't bother coming over. He does NOT VALUE you as a partner. After 3.5 years you both should know the dance and enjoy it mutually.
He sound selfish and it doesn't sound like it will improve anytime soon. Don't waste anymore of your life wishing and hoping he "loved" you as much as you love him.
YOu sound like a lovely giving woman who deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, not an after-thought or time filler. Find true love and live the best life you can.
I agree with tog. Just
I agree with tog.
Just because your BF puts you on the back burner for his kids doesn't mean that every Dad with kids from a relationship doesthe same.
My FDH has told me a few times that I'm the only one that matters. If I wanted to move away and he losses time wit SD he would be okay with that. (Not that I ever would, I treat SD as one of my own)
But just because your BF is selfish doesn't mean they all are.
Like tog said, find a man (kids or not) who cares about you and your feelings. There may be a lot of rocks in the world, but if you look carefully you will find a diamond hidden among them.
As blunt as this is, I also
As blunt as this is, I also agree completely. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy situation that cannot change.
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. I am a married stepmom and I too do not understand why two people who love one another can not compromise especially when they are together because they do love one another. My best advise to you is to know you aren't going to change what is happening. You are the new addition to an already existing family. As harsh as it is, it is true. Both people have to be willing to meet in the middle and getting married or moving in isn't going to change that.
I do believe there are people out there who have sucessful blending of their two families, but it takes two not just one. My spouse has four kids and three of them live with us, I have two. We both were under the illusion that we would be one big happy family. However, there is one parent in our family and the other one is busy playing friend instead of parent. Anytime I try to get kids to pick up, do chores or even tell us where they are going...I am ignored.
I would ask yourself is this relationship what you really want? Because if it is, you maybe the one having to accept the things you can not change...he isn't going to. If you see a lot of red flags...you should move along...they do not get better. That is the reality. One can only change how they approach the situation and how they respond. Someone once said it is better to focus on the relationship you have with the "spouse" and not sweat the small stuff. For me, I was like...it is all small stuff and a lot of small stuff adds up, but if the relationship is what you really want...then put fourth your best foot and don't sweat the small stuff.
Wow. I feel for you. I think
Wow. I feel for you. I think some of the other posts were quite harsh although in theory I agree. You are not married yet. Don't make the mistake a lot of us have and are married for worse because of step kids. I question my decision often, more often than I like to admit although I am married to a wonderful man. I think if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have married. I just got off the phone with my man who wondered why he hadn't heard from me all day. I told him I didn't sleep well, feel off my game and am cranky since being pushed out of our marital bed by his daughter who had a bad dream. I told him we need to establish some boundries with kids sleeping in our bed after nightmares. He said" ohh...(in a sad voice as if to say how dare you feel that way)" and then said that he is not going to take his kid back to bed when he has to get up early in the morning. That was his answer and I have been stressed out all day because I knew it would go something like this. I would get met with opposition when I try to assert my rights.
I do understand you feeling alone but you have to do something to adjust the power balance. Take back your life. Disengage from the SKs. There are a lot of posts of that as well as good books and it does work because I had to do it to a degree. And things are better now than they were but not perfect as you can tell.
This business of getting together with somebody who has kids or blended families is not for everyone and certainly should not be underestimated. It is hard and frustrating and I do believe many of us would not enter into this type of situation again. The Brady Bunch family is a fantasy. Lucky are those who have been able to make it run smoothly; however, you won't find them on this site for the most part. Misery loves company but you are in good company here. Good luck.
Keep your life separate to
Keep your life separate to save your sanity. I am married to someone I love dearly but I constantly feel on guard because he waits for his kids to be available. As a result I feel like I'm not important enough to make plans with and that he will push me aside at the last minute because one of his kids wants something. It's a horrible way to parent your kids because they never learn that anyone else has anything that might take priority. My parents weren't divorced and they made it clear that they weren't alwaYS ready to drop everything just to indulge the kids.
I also have zero say in when these kids come over and feel constantly on guard that they might stop by or decide to dump the mother and stay here full time. It is further complicated because I own the house and cover the majority of the expenses while the mother gets child support. I can't enforce rules or boundaries in my own house and it is really starting to wear on our relationship.
How do you get someone to realize that their kids should be deciding visitation and living arrangements without the input of the parents AND the stepparent who is affected by their choices? I feel like I operate a country club and the spoiled kids do what they want, have no chores, don't listen to me, and just use my house.
If you aren't committed yet to this guy, I'd keep your own turf. Keep your options open. If you really love each other, you can wait out the intense parenting time but don't box yourself in.
I am at a stalemate right now with my husband. His kids are mad at me for asking them to text and make sure it is okay for them to stop in. They claim they will never be back. All this does in my book is still give these spoiled kids power over the adults. It's not their decision to make. And I refuse to have them tell me what is going to happen in my own house.
I watch in horror as my husband jumps through hoops for these kids. What ever happened to being a parent and trying to teach your children how to survive and get along with other people in the world? I was way to nice for a year and let them do whatever they wanted in my house without helping at all and coming by whenever they wanted. Now I have shut down.
I feel used and angry, lonely. Sometimes I wish I hadn't married him and kept my own turf and space. I think he was trying for everything his way and didn't realize that the dynamics are a nightmare.
They are 18, 15 and 14. The
They are 18, 15 and 14. The youngest walked out of his life at 13 and hasn't been back since. The dynamics are really polarized and both my husband and his ex seem to let the kids decide everything and there are no consequences or rules.