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Really struggling with intimacy and wanting to be with hubby now

shamds's picture

hubby knows me and our 2 toddlers get very sick being in a car playing taxi and would vomit for his 3 kids aged 22, 20 & 13 for so called valuable family time that they want to spend time with our toddlers yet they’re ignored 99% of the time. For ages we needed to get daughter vaccinated 18 months ago because its always in short supply/out of stock, hubby is always busy for getting her vaccinated but the moment his kids with ex suggest a visit on weekend (the only time hubby is supposedly free), automatically yes and plans are made but never does he ask me first if we have anything urgent/important planned for this day. He just tells me he’s meeting his kids and do i want to come- answer is a firm instant NO!!

isn’t being in a marriage like Rags says, being equity life partners where he should discuss with me first, ask me. Then he knows our medical condition won’t go away

shamds's picture

then during times i’m trying to be intimate and focus should be on us as a couple he decided to bring up he’s meeting his kids this weekend, wanna come. Like seriously? There was no other time to ask this? 

Put me off so bad, then i decided screw this i am booking our kids vaccination appointments which he reluctantly agreed to pick us up because he could sense i was upset and angry with him and thought this would change things

i just keep thinking now.... have my standards and self appreciation and self worth dropped so far for this husband that i would allow myself to be ignored for 4 yrs by his son, disrespected by his kids, have his exwife try control me from remote and he not tell his daughters their mum is out of line.

does husband respect me or love/care for me because it doesn’t feel so when he simply arranges things on weekends without discussing with me and expects i follow or stay home and keep quiet. He’s so used to in his job ordering staff around that this mentality is what he has in our marriage. Then he’s wanted sex but complained its so late and i better hurry as he’s tired, like that makes me in the mood anymore, then after finally falling asleep putting kids to bed he decides to manhandle wake me up for sex at 5am, yesterday evening keeps telling me its been ages snd I pushed his hands away and said no and he asked why whats wrong. He left the room for quite some time as i know he is panicking

honestly if he truely valued me as a wife, why and how can he allow this situation to continue any longer, why would he treat me this way, i just felt like asking him that because it feels he doesn’t

my big issue also  has been he claims his 2 daughters love our kids, really? They never make an effort to visit them, contact them but we’re expected to drive and play taxi several hours to get them and then ignoring 99% of the time. Then i told hubby whats up with your daughters buying presents when they can’t be bothered being with our kids. Presents don’t make up for the fact you don’t want to be around our kids so i don’t want any more presents for them, they can instead make an effort to actively be present.

what happens yesterday after visiting them for 7 hours?? He comes home with presents again. So what i say as the mother who birthed these kids doesn’t matter or take precedence in comparison to your kids. So you can’t love and value me as a wife can you?

those who have tolerated this double standards longer than me, you’ve got way more patience

notsurehowtodeal's picture

your daughter should have been vaccinated 18 months ago, but you haven't taken her because your husband won't drive you to the doctor? If I remember correctly - you don't drive. Can't you take a cab or an Uber? It seems like that should be a priority.

You said your DH "...manhandle wake me up for sex at 5am" - does that mean he basically forced himself on you? Why do you stay with this man - what positive things does he bring to your life?

shamds's picture

Then started rubbing me a little rougher to wake me up and i ignored him and after a minute he gave up and got ready for work

I just feel if family is so important to hubby, how can he possibly not feel wrong that his kids just want to be with dad every visit and not give a stuff about us because thats them still backwards thinking of only their happy family in the past except we’re in the future

i have told hubby that every now and then he should spend 1 on 1 with the kids but this doesn’t mean every visit

am i so unimportant that i’m viewed as his sex object and nothing more as thats what it feels like. These are questions i’m trying to figure out and confront him with

i don’t drive and we live out of town and taxi’s uber aren’t plenty in our area and often don’t come here so hubby always brings us to go as its very difficult in the busy hospital clinic with our 2 wanting to run everywhere i would struggle with my 2 kids so hubby would always come. Also where we live overseas, as imm a foreigner, its not automatically I can open a bank acct so it was only recently that i managed to open a bank acct so its a habit hubby comes so he can pay because we don’t know upfront what the costs will be

i actually booked appt on friday with every intention if hubby weren’t free i would just take a taxi or uber and deal with possibly tantrumy kids but he did take us.

i am questioning more and more everyday what is this man bringing into my life and if family really were that important to him, he would have ensured we were united on day 1 and any of kids from ex non compliant (since they’re adults) were not welcome in his life  and home till they complied and accepted we’re members of this home too just like them

they don’t have to like me or our kids but reality check is we are members of his family too and they need to start accepting and acting like that

Oh and exwife and her family are into black magic/voodoo stuff and see witch drs too and some to cause harm on others, the eldest daughter told her dad that and her mum out of the goodness of her heart apparently bought gifts for the kids and hubby. This is a major reason why i want no gifts from the so called stepdaughters because they’re still conttrolled and brainwashed by mum and as the mother to our 2 kids i should be respected with that decision but no, hubby practically slapped me in the face by bowing to daughter and accepting gifts to save face and not cause any drama with kids and ex wife. So doesn’t that mean he’s still emotionally married to the exwife, since when did me as a mum not matter when it comes to our own kids but hubby would prioritise what kids with ex want

 

tog redux's picture

I think you are looking at this wrong. He's just gotten his kids back into his life and he's afraid of losing them again. He knows BM's power to manipulate them, so he's trying not to upset her or the kids. That's impossible, but he will figure that out later. He can't really make the kids accept you or your children, and again, doesn't want to lose them.

Just let him see the kids on his own, don't feel like you have to be there, and them not wanting to see your kids is to be expected. What he has to do though, is not let them exclude you entirely - so if there is a wedding, a graduation etc - if you aren't invited, he doesn't go. And he needs to remind them that he is married, he's moved on, and he will not be reuniting with them and their mother as a family. And he cannot allow them to treat you badly or disrespect you in any way.

It's a lot to ask of him to just reject his kids unless they accept you and your kids as family. They may never. But he does have to make sure he's not neglecting you to make them happy.

shamds's picture

 

Since daughters came back, He’s stopped about replenishing groceries and grocery shopping that he would do so i’ve had to do online shopping. Then there are important doc visits like I mentioned above.I feel we have been completely shoved to the side and when they’re out on these visits, we are excluded because there is not a care in the world for us.

ss has excluded me from day 1 and 4 yrs on he still expects to live in same home as us and ignore us so i don’t expect any difference in the girls. 

Eldest daughter just graduated from university last week, we all were not invited, including hubby. But their mum and stepdad who has isolated them was. The same stepdad whom the girls told my husband had made their mum responsible for maintenance costs like groceries etc for them. Hubby has always paid child support and way more than was stipulated but aren’t there some things in a marriage like grocery costs and maybe utilities you accept as a couple to be inclusive of all kids. You could tell hubby was upset and when sd messaged video of her graduation, there was only a thumbs up emoji, no messages whatsoever. Hubby is just trying to be polite but its a massive slap in the face for him because he feels he’s worked hard to support them but doesn’t understand finalcial support doesn’t equal emotional support

With all this going on, the 1 moment of intimacy focus should just be us and hubby just insults me by talking about stuff not important that i have explained firmly i will not attend these visits as kids are sick and me having to drive several hours but hubby keeps thinking if he keeps asking that i’ll change my mind. It just makes me feel like he doesn’t value or respect me 1 bit

him not trying to upset the bm and their kids at our expense just makes me feel he’s still emotionally married to her and won’t ever move on

Rags's picture

I doubt that your DH is purposely "insulting" you during your periods of intimacy.  I doubt he is connecting the two thoughts.  That said, Men do not see hints, whether subtle or blatant, innuendo, etc...  We are linear direct thinkers.  So... be direct.  Just tell him.

"Do not bring up anything regarding your prior marriage when we are being intimate. Ever. Period. Dot!  It turns me off and I have zero desire for you when you do that. I want our intimate life to be awesome and this makes it impossible for me."

Lather, rinse, repeat.  When he pulls this crap... roll over and go to sleep.  Rather than not responding to his "hard rubbing" just tell him.  Hints don't always or often work with us.  Men that is.

Just as "Hey beautiful.  I'm horny." Doesn't always work with ladies.  A more measured approach with some flirting, neck rubs, wine, etc, etc, etc..... returns far better results more often that not.  At least in my experience.

When we are out of sync it can take some time for my bride and I to actually discuss it. Once we do that... stuff gets re-energized in a hurry.  Oddly, it can take a bit of time for one or the other of us to broach the topic.  We have both learned over  the years to quit delaying the discussion.  It saves a lot of frustration for both of us. When one or the other of us just says it.

Good luck.

Buy a sexy negligee and some duct tape.  One will spice things up, the other will shut up your DH's discussion of his prior relationship spawn at inappropriate times.

 

pixielady's picture

Any gifts just bin them outside the house right away. If you believe in voodoo, either pray for protection and/or surround yourself and your kids with a protective white light (imagine white light around your kids every day) Who cares if they don’t accept you as long as they don’t exclude you from major events like tog said or act in ways that manipulate your DH into neglecting you and your kids. Don’t bother going on these family meets again.

oatsnhoney's picture

Learn to drive or find a stay at home job to support Uber travel. Learn to be ok going outside your home alone with your two kids. Isolating yourself is making this worse. You rely on him for too much. 

Im sorry you are so isolated. Sounds like you need Moms groups and family to broaden you support network and build confidence. Where were you living before him? How did you support yourself? 

Rags's picture

I think that it is time for the direct approach.  Put a calendar on the wall... a BIG one for the whole year and start scheduling your family activities. Grocery shopping, kid vacinations, weekend activities, evening activities... even sex if you have to.     Tell him that nothing goes on the schedule unless he discusses it with  you first.

Yes, I understand that this may appear to be a double standard.  However, it has to happen for any control to happen in how your family (you, your DH and your joint children) functions.  Yes, his prior relationship children are part of the picture but they are not nor should they be the entire picture as they are now. 

Now for the driving.  Why don't you drive?  I am a problem solver and it seems to me that if you solve that issue that you will be able to take far more control over your own life.  I understand the challenges you are facing. I grew up in the Middle East where women can't drive outside of company compounds/camps.  For most of my youth my dad had to shuttle us around outside of the camp. 

My wife and I lived there as well due to my career and clearly planning my time to facilitate shopping, etc, etc, etc... was critical to my wife's quality of life while we lived there.  It can work, but only if there is very dedicated scheduling and participation from your DH.

So, what is keeping  you from getting your DL and a car?

Take some control, get  your DH's nose on the calendar and drive the structure into the situation.  It should work.

Good luck.

shamds's picture

my brother got to learn when in high school (my parents paid for it), but suddenly when it came to my turn same privilege weren’t extended. It was seen since my brother was the elder child he got that privilege.

After highschool and studying/working fulltime/overtime etc, i simply could not schedule driving lessons in.

then my mum had a stroke, for several years i had to help care for her. After a full day at work it was rush home to help out, i couldn’t even manage studies at that point and put it on hold for several years because my brother refused to help out my then elderly parents so it was only me that shouldered that responsibility.

with fulltime work, helping paying bills for home and groceries etc, caring for my sick mother i couldn’t focus on studies or driving. By the time i finished work it was already about 5.30pm when i got home and booking a driving lesson when i had to prepare dinner afterwards would be too exhausting

 believe me at times i resented my dad for being inconsiderate to help out at times because i couldn’t even study as he’d knock on my door asking for dinner. My work was very accessible with public transport as only a short distance from home so learning to drive never became an issue

last year i had said to my husband when we visited my country that he needed to watch both kids so i could learn to drive, he would disappear to play golf instead. That pissed me off so much and after we flew back home i just felt things were getting worser and life was revolving solely around 3 selfish selfcentred stepkids with no concern or care about me and our 2 toddlers.

i told my husband 2 months ago he f*#ked up the raising of 3 kids with ex by letting things be and being the disney parent of give give give that now he’s starting the cycle with our kids and hell no will that happen. I’d rather a divorce and i see that as the only solution. 

Like you often say rags, spouses as equitable life partners, therefore should consult and plan with one another, not arrange things behind your back. He was constantly for weeks messaging back and forth with his kids about planned visits when we had urgent things like vaccinations and hospital checkups that he claimed he was busy for then a day or 2 before said planned visit with his kids, he would say i’m meeting the kids and they want to see our 2 kids (absolute bull because they never asked about our kids ever), wanna come. When i’d say no we need to do groceries fridge is empty he’d say thats ok we can do it when we meet them. Suddenly a whole day is wasted with them in silence being ignored

so i told off my husband NO MORE!! Its a waste of time and not a productive meet as his own 3 kids just sit there in awkward silence just waiting for daddy to pay for fancy lunch at a nice restaurant. I refused any holidays with his kids and told him to go on his own with them, he declined saying it was torture as he’s so disappointed in them. I actually asked him “well why haven’t you told them this?”

one of the final straws for me was several months before our 4th wedding anniversary (we always do a mini getaway) i suggested some places and he said he couldn’t as he had work activities then that he couldn’t escape from but we could do following month or my birthday at the wnd of the following month.

i was ok with that then suddenly out of the blue days before our 4th anniversary and hours after ss20 messages hubby saying “i’m free this week from university so we can go holiday somewhere with his sisters(no mention of me and our 2 kids-their half siblings)” hubby then tells me to book somewhere.

did i lose my shit!! I told him off NO! No I will not spend my 4th wedding anniversary with your 3 rude disrespectful, self centred, spoilt stepkids who ignore us and try to play happy family them 3 and you totally excluding us and you want me to accept and endure this treatment on our 4th wedding anniversary? This is meant to be intimate time for us and instead he prioritised his kids

my husband got a good kick up his ass then and changed completely. He realised he was being manipulated, controlled and guilted by the sk and they do not care about him, me or our 2 kids, its always about them. 2 months on they don’t call or message to check up on hubby but they play a fake show for hubby in person.

it was just getting too much, i was in tears just telling my husband i’m done. That was his wake up call because he realised his 3 kids with ex have done nothing beneficial for him throughout their lives, they haven’t done anything to care for him the same way our 2 toddlers have.

i was born and raised in a western country bya european father and asian mum, married and living in south east asia now but there is none of that controlling crap like saudi arabia and women not allowed to drive

one day without asking me first or discussing with me, after all the above, my husband messages me from work saying tomorrow he booked me for drivig school and its all day for 3 full days and he’ll take time off to care for the kids. He has never cared for our 2 toddlers on his own and i was furious and thats what set off the argument i was done and wanted a divorce.

i actually asked him if he respected and valued me as a wife and he said yes and i told him i felt that was a big slap in my face he could lie like that because all he has done was order me around like sheep and cater to everyones whim. He has not discussed with me first and now he’s decided that i’ll be in driving school 3 full days and he hasn’t got a friggin clue what the kids routines are daily. I refused it and said i wanted to sit it in my country so  i have it targeted for this year.

sorry for the long reply rags, just so much stuff to explain. We have a nephews wedding in 2 weeks and i told hubby ages ago since our toddlers cannot handle long car rides, we will not be playing taxi and drive interstate to pick up his daughters as its a detour and our kids vomit wnough as it is. They can either come to the train station next to our home or drive to their cousins place and if family is important enough they would make the effort which i know they wont

these are some measures i stipulated are non negotiable. Its time these sk be considerate and compromise for others for a change instead of being lazy bums. Also ss is expected to be ready on the dot if coming along. If he is not ready we drive off no buts because he will decided to run 10 mins late, not a happy time when toddlers are strapped in car seats etc. I’m frustrated and done with these sk thinking and expecting the world revolves around them and that we drop everything for them. If ss calls asking where hubby is, tough we aren’t driving back because he was late. A few times of this happening and he won’t dare be late again because he knows we mean business and its not all talk only

 

Rags's picture

It is great that  you are injecting structure and accountability into the picture.

I would book driving school in advance for your next trip home so that you can get it done.  If DH can take three days off to watch the kids for  you to go to driving school in your resident country, he should be able to watch the kids when you get home.

I hope the improvement continues for your marriage and family.

Regards,
Rags

shamds's picture

yes now i’ve gotten to the mindset that hubby needs to discuss with me as his partner about any planned activities when it affects the time spent as a household. Since his ss20 is at university and rarely comes home and doesn’t interact with us, i do not see him as an active member of his household (he is more of a temporary tenant). Sd22 & sd13 live in another state about 2.5-3 hours drive away and live in a house hubby bought for them after the divorce so they had a private place to stay in because i

he knew the exwifes family are a bunch or crazy unstable nutjobs. These girls do not check up on hubby or us or make an effort. It was always hubby running around asking hey wanna meet up and them demanding and expecting we pick up all 3.

so now since i feel the priority is with 2 young toddlers who need to be nirtured and spend quality time with dad, that since he works monday-friday leaving home at 7am and back in evening 9-10pm and often work functions on weekend, then any free weekend time should be spent doing quality family time activities

these meet ups with sk is not quality time where everone sits in awkward silence when we could be doing stuff at home as a family together. So from now on if hubby tells me (so far he hasn’t in 2 months plus met sk), “oh i plan to meet sk on the weekend wanna come?”, i will say that our kids require quality time with dad which they do not get during the week, now they are being robbed of it on a weekend without being asked so that hubby can waste a whole day playing taxi and sitting in awkward silence so that will not happen

i also forgot to mention on the last (2nd visit alone with sk), hubby told them that these visits will no longer continue outside that it will be at our home from now on where they include us.

He said this before my big argument with him but he could see with his own eyes those kids of his clearly excluding us and trying to play happy family because ss20 messaged hubby saying his free on weekend to meet his sisters (sisters from exwife), no mention of including us, he does not view me and his half siblings as family and none of them asked about us but sd had all these over the top presents for our kids. Every visit with dad there are over the top presents to give the inpression they care but its an act. They never ask about our kids so i told hubby, there are to be no more presents. As the woman who was pregnant with our 2 kids and birthed them, what i say is law and you have no veto power over it. Your daughters are no longer to buy presents, the important thing is our kids need siblings who care and set an example but whats happening is our 2 toddlers are setting an example for the 3 sk. Hubby before was more concerned about upsetting his daughters feeling because he knew she’d complain to ex wife who’d unleash her wrath on hubby and hubbys sisters etc and hubby didn’t want the drama. So i had to explain you are letting all of them manipulate you and treat you stupidly because that is how they see you. We need boundaries

when i painted it for hubby clearly with facts that our 2 toddlers aged 1.5 & 3 show more compassion and kindness and consideration than his 3 older kids, you figure out pretty quickly this is just ridiculous 

since boundaries were introduced sd have not contacted dad unless sd22 needs a favour or to tell hubby she is taking her mum to airport (as if my husband cares, which he does not), sd22 refuses to accept and purposely forgets that her bio parents are no longer a married couple and therefore hubby has no concerns for her mothers life as she has been remarried with a new husband almost 10 years. Ss20 refused to come home on uni breaks, had called his dad to say he was coming home and even called hubby on a friday at 3Pm demanding to be picked up by hubby immediately at his uni 1.5 hours away. Hubby runs a whole bank, meetings constantly so he told him to get uber as he usually does and that he had to acknowledge me coming home and say ho, that he would not be ignoring us and he would be forcibly spending time playing and looking after our 2 kids on the weekend afternoon and that he would be respectful, imaginary stress syndrome snd sulkiness resulted, he didn’t come home that night, and never had the decency or respect to message dad and say screw it i am not coming home

what i didn’t realise that day was that this had happened as hubby usually tells me when ss is on the way home and he hadn’t this day. When ss had behaved this way and upset hubby, causing stress to him with these stupid issues, hubby came home to a lovely dinner cooked by me and intimate time with he wife later that evening. So yeah hubby got to a point where he realised my kids with ex cause undue unnecessary stress but i come home to a wife and 2 kids that release it and intimate sex time with the wife makes him a happy man

these sk are too stupid, blind and narcissistic to see they have sabotaged their own relationship with dad on their own

the girls cut off contact for 6 yrs then come back with no apology, just told dad its all in the past and to move on and they know he’s married with new kids and don’t want to cause issues and just want a relationship with their dad but have made no effort to have a relationship, its been on hubby to maintain it but then they expect visits alone intentionally excluding us.

i actually at one point told hubby to get back with ex wife because a few days of that he’d realise it was hell and he’d been in heaven 4 years with me. That thought scared him to shits... he needed that wakeup call of facts and reality to kick some sense into him

as long as his kids don’t act like a united family, they should be considered as guests or tenants to us and so do not have the privilege to dictate our family activities or that it revolves around them. When they treat us all as family members or act as a united family front (something i doubt will ever happen), then wr can be considerate of them with regards to planned outings and activities