Please help me - is this reasonable?????
Here's my thing and I really really need advice.
My partner and I are about to separate. I love him dearly, but he is completely unreasonable about my daughters. And I would like to say, they are as well-behaved as any kids their ages (5 and 7). (the usual - they whine a bit and they argue with each other a lot, and the youngest is a bit messy but getting better (she gets food on her face, not on the table). I believe I am a good mother, and many people comment on how polite and well-behaved my girls are (of course, it's not always plain sailing at home but I do my best).
My partner has one son and has 50% care of him, but unfortunately my ex isn't as helpful and only takes the girls every second weekend (plus Wed nights). That means we have them almost full-time.
My partner has always found this difficult, as he is used to having his own "space". He is not interested in having anything to do with my girls, except to tell them off and discipline them, and he usually thinks I'm doing it wrong. He will not leave me to take care of it, as he thinks I'm not consistent with them.
PLEASE NOTE: I know all about being consistent. I am totally consistent with them, i just find some of his demands impossible to meet.
He insists they walk "normally" through the lounge to the kitchen - this initially meant no jumping or dancing, came to include skipping, and now he comes down on them even if they just have a spring in their step.
This is particularly difficult for the oldest, who is very slightly autistic, and used to dance around the house before I move4d in with the new man - I believe it's an unconscious action, and I actually quite liked it, although I would have to moderate it at times.
We have posted "Please walk" signs which they made themselves, but sometimes they forget. I admit, it's a year or so since I started to try, so it's been awhile/
I reluctantly agreed to this in the beginning, but now I find he is telling them off constantly for what I see as nothing, and I can't stand it. He believes we cannot allow them to skip slightly/march/shuffle/spin/do ANYTHING except what HE percieves to be "normal walking" because they will get confused unless there is a very black and white rule - ie, NORMAL WALKING, NOTHING ELSE IS OK.
I feel it's a normal expression of happiness to skip every now and then, and find it very hard to back him up when they are just slightly springy. - Hence, I am "inconsistent". The problem is, often he tells them off and I'm watching, and I don't see them doing anything - in fact, many times I can see they've actually made an effort NOT to run/skip, and I'm left thinking "what the?"
Most of the time I back him up, but I just think he's become obsessive. He watches them like a hawk, waiting for them to slip up.
The problems with my kids trickle into everything. He says he is soo full up with it all, he would rather just have nothing to do with them - however, until we do renovations on the house to give us completely separate living spaces, they need to walk through the lounge to get to the kitchen.
I have just suggested that if we come to a very clear agreement, which involves him easing up slightly (maybe letting them skip, I mean what's so wrong with that??) then I will be able to back him up consistently. But he says it's been going on too long and they haven't got it yet, so he is just incapable of pulling back.
I have said, enough is enough: I won't go along with it any more, and if he won't moderate his demands then we will have to separate. Which is a real pity, because outside of this stuff he's a pretty amazing guy.
There are other problems, but one at a time: Would anyone else agree to these conditions?
HA! Don't get me
HA! Don't get me started...
I'm generally really nice to his kid - he's a nice boy, and bloody perfect - he doesn't do any of the things my kids do, which just reinforces his dad's opinion that he knows better how to bring up kids than me..
I would've happily been a step mum to him, and treated him as one of my own - but over time, that feeling has soured.
I find myself lately picking him up on things that I never would've even NOTICED previously, simply because I see there are two sets of rules - one for my kids, one for his. He doesn't tend to skip inside like my kids (maybe coz he's a boy, and not so inclined to skipping) but on occasion he runs slightly, or plays with the dog - or just springs a bit, as kids do. And I point it out, not because I care, but because I want his dad to see the double standards! This upsets me, because in the beginning I had a really good relationship with the kid. Nowadays I have begun to resent him, and I can tell he isn't as keen on me as he once was...
There are countless things that his kid gets away with, that my kids wouldn't... Of course, he denies this completely. He insists there are the same rules - Which there are. The difference is the extent to which he takes those rules.
Oh well - thanks everyone for your comments, you've all been really helpful
Are you kidding me??? OMG why
Are you kidding me??? OMG why would anyone want to stop a moment of dancing or skipping or jumping, for goodness sake life is tough enough without draining all the joy out of kids. Those beautiful little habits are what save my spirit on tough days, its what makes kids so awesome, that and a million other things they do. Sweetheart your girls are beautiful, you sound like you are just slightly shy of sainthood to me. My DH was a bit like that with my little ones at first but I put my foot down, for once and told him to stop being such a miserable old git and try to learn something from them. He admitted, later, he was jealous of the time and attention I gave to them, which in his words was pathetic and childish, and he dealt with it.
Men, often not always just want you. Not kids and baggage etc they just want you all for themselves. He is obviously very resentful of their lightness and you sound like you know its affecting them. He doesn't want them and they will know that. How would you feel if you were them?
It sounds utterly ridiculous and you are definitely not the unreasonable one, I know what it's like to be so deeply inside a situation that you can't see straight. He is being ridiculous. And needs to deal with himself, back off your lovely little poppets, I'm sure they're not angels cos no kids are but they're normal. Tell him if he wants to live in a morgue he should have married a mortician.
Hey, I know! why don't you, and the girls spend a wonderful afternoon dancing and skipping and prancing and jumping and hopping and singing at the top of your lungs ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE HOUSE!!! and rid your home of that rigid, oppressive energy. And while you're at it drop him a business card for an anger management therapist.
I really hope you keep hold of the mother in you that knows what those girls need...my mum completely allied with my step dad when he came along and he ended up hurting me very badly. A good man will know when he's being an arse and will wake up. A not so good one will carry on moaning and complaining ad nauseam...which one have you got?
Best of luck sweetie
lol, thanks - Unfortunately,
He says everyone in the family should have respect for the others, and children can still play and "be children" while adhering to the household rules - Of course everyone wants kids to "just be kids" but why should that involve skipping around the entire house? He wants a space where he can be free from them, as he feels they have been unfairly pushed upon him (my ex used to have them more often, but was unable to cope). And to be fair, he is used to being a part-time daddy - and now he sees my kids more often than his own (who he fought tooth and nail to be allowed to share the care of)
Also, to be fair, they have their own room, and we are lucky enough to have a second lounge where they can play. Unfortunately, every time they set foot outside that room they have to alter their behaviour... They do it most of the time, i see them run to the door, stop, and walk. But many times they forget. Or (this really pi**es him off) they watch to see if anyone's looking and they run/skip anyway.
Part of me feels like, hell if it was me, I'd be looking to get away with it too...
As I said, we have plans to renovate. That would give everyone their space, and let me bring up my kids the way I feel is right.
But that's pricey, and I really can't afford it. The house is big enough, and I just feel like he's being completely unreasonable in his demands. Also, if we do decide to go ahead with the alterations, it won't be immediate - that sort of thing takes time. And If we don't resolve this issue NOW then it will be completely wasted time and money.
I have said I won't stand for it any longer, and he thinks I'M being unreasonable - sabotaging the relationship because I can't get close, that kind of psycho-babble
Hah! Mine is the opposite,
Hah! Mine is the opposite, wants all the discipline rights with none of the caring. I'm happy for him to discipline my children, but for god's sake be reasonable about it...
He wants full authority and NO responsibility...
The renovations will not be
The renovations will not be done fast enough. Making your girls stifle their inner joy of childhood is wrong. They should be able to skip in the house. Insisting that they do not run is reasonable but not skipping is just over the top.
Usually, the people in the therapy field are unable/unwilling to see their demands are unreasonable. They are also overwhelmed by dealing with client issues that they need extra space when they get home.
Unfortunately, I do not see this issue resolving itself. Your partner is set in his ways. You are bending over backwards to please him. One day, you will break and walk away.
I have been in this type of situation. My previous partner was very critical of me and my kids. He was so convincing that I believed everything he said. Until the day came that I had enough of his emotional and psychological control and ended the relationship. I look on his face when I turned to him and said "I'm done" with conviction was priceless.
Good Luck!
He gets pissed off at them
He gets pissed off at them because they skip? :? :jawdrop:
WTF is up with that?
This guy is wound way too tight. Kids should skip, jump and otherwise express their childlike joy.
If he can't let a 5 & 7yr old be 5 & 7 then moving on is the right thing and what you should do.
Regardless of how otherwise amazing he is.
If the kids are incorrigible and otherwise beyond tolerable from a behavior perspective and if they were older and did not keep their stuff picked up or follow household rules then your SO's perspective may be understandable.
However, getting on a 5 & 7yo for skipping is way beyond acceptable.
All IMHO of course.
Your man needs to get himself
Your man needs to get himself on some medication so that he can relax a bit. He is hiding behind his psychobabble in order to control you and your children. Why is he so afraid of losing control? Why is he so unwilling to compromise? Why is so afraid of expressions of joy and spontaneity? It sounds as if he has issues.
My children roll, slide, skip, dance, jump down the hallway on a regular basis. I'm even known to shake a leg once in a while as I cross the living room. Life is too short to go thru it walking all the time.
Have you had his feet looked
Have you had his feet looked at? A friend of mine has a sin that would toewalk and it would drive her nuts. It turned out he has Something wrong with the tendons in his feet being too short and now has to wear a special kind of cast/ brace for a year or two to stretch them.
Or he could just like to walk on his toes.
I think until you do decide
I think until you do decide what is best for you.... you should start skipping and twirling in the house, especially while crossing through the lounge on the way to the kitchen. That's what I would do }:)
I second most of the other
I second most of the other comments.
I also want to point out that it's not just the kids thing that he's bad about. Apparently he's also bad at truly listening to and respecting you enough that the two of you are able to come to healthy compromises. He bullies his way with you, even over matters that are obviously very important to you- like how you raise your own children. If he does it on that topic, I can't imagine that he doesn't do it with others. He is too controlling- and selfish.
I support you giving him an ultimatum, because I think steppingthrududu's comment is right on the money:
"A good man will know when he's being an arse and will wake up. A not so good one will carry on moaning and complaining ad nauseam...which one have you got?"
I'll tell you one thing- not all therapists necessarily fall into the first category
If he can't change his ways, I say kick him to the curb. Then you and your daughters can be happy, and they can skip to their heart's content. There are other fish in the sea (sounds like you could get a better catch anyway)
It sounds like an oppressive,
It sounds like an oppressive, unhealthy environment for the kids.
"They also frequently run
"They also frequently run into things that are right in front of their face."
We had a memorable day about a year ago when we made my DSS (then 5) wear a helmet in the house all day because he kept running into walls or falling and hurting himself.
it didn't help.
we were really worried he was
we were really worried he was going to bash his brains out!
but like i said, it didn't work. he fell and bllodied his knee that day, instead.
i was raised with all girls. i can take ANYTHING a girl throws at me. boys are reallr really weird. really really.
one of the few times my DSS
one of the few times my DSS had an honest to god tantrum (on the floor kicking and screaming) started out with him crying over something dumb. i think he had to put away a game because it was dinner time. he didn't want to, so he cried. and thought crying to me (i'm the pushover, believe it or not) would make me let him keep it out. it didn't, so he cried louder. and i laughed.
so he cried louder, and i laughed again.
the louder he got, the more dramatic he got, the worse my laughter was. my DF decided to record it (like i've said, my DSS is usually a great kid. scatterbrained and clumsy, but he NEVER threw tantrums). after a minute, i picked him up and put him on his bed, where he rolled onto the floor and kept going.
the whole time both my DF and i are cracking up. after about 20 minutes he calmed down, and told us we really hurt his feelings. so we showed him the video of his little scene, and he also oustarted laughing. he couldn't even remember why he had started crying in the first place. he still has his moments, but they're fewer and fewer especially because if he starts in on the "you hurt my feelings" i come back with "tell me why you felt you didn't have to be respectful, and why you being rude and disrespectful isn't supposed to hurt my feelings" he responds really well to that.
which i don't get. in my family of females, that question would have been answered with a door slamming and "you never REALLY loved me!!!!" wail behind said door.