You are here

Please give me some advice

shanna76522's picture

Hi, I am the mother of an 11 year old boy and husband that are having problems. My husband is new to parenting and we have been married for 2 years. At first he tried really hard with my son to bond and be fair. Lately (the past year), that has not been the case. He is emotionally uninvolved and also implements punishments that are unfair. I have asked that he disccuss punishments with me prior to implementing them, but he doesn't. He makes statements like, "I resent your son and the difficulties he causes in our relationship" and "why should I have to ..., He's not my son." I have tried to talk to him on several occasions about his behavior and the rift it is causing in our relationship. He always says he will do better. Usually only "does better" for a couple of weeks, then he reverts back to his earlier behavior.
Recently, my son expressed that he was VERY unhappy with my husband. This is not the first time. I am tired of being "in the middle." I love my husband. We get along perfectly, except for his relationship with my son. Why is it so hard for them to bond?
I paid for an extended stay suite for my husband for a week. I asked him to leave and really think about if this is what he wants. He wants to try and "make things work." I asked him why would it be different this time. He doesn't have an answer but says it will. I don't want to give up. Does anyone have any advice for us?

andy_pandy's picture

I'd be telling him that if he can't handle the kid fairly then it's time to disengage. Look at the ladie here who do it and the amount of stress that it relieves for them, and I'm sure for the kids too. Being a biomum myself all I can say is that you are the advocate for your child. You need to insist that BS is respectful of your DP but that DP treats BS fairly. If DP can't do that then he shouldn't be punishing at all.

My DP is more strict than I am, but at the same time he is fair. BS knows the rules and when he breaks them he gets an explanation before he gets punished (you ran in the house so you have to sit on the naughty spot).

Your DP doesn't have the right to punish BS because he resents him, not fair.

shanna76522's picture

Thanks for your advice. It's never easy, is it? It has been a constant source of stress for me. I have limited his punishing power, but that has just become another source of friction. As far as "rules" go, they are up for interpretation. I tried to make a rule/punishment sheet. Like, if you do this, then this happens. But now we are not in agreement on what is disrespect, etc. I appreciate your post. We are going to counseling, but I am still not sure whether this is going to work out.

unhappy2happy's picture

Shanna, I am sooo sorry you are going thru this, a moms instinct should kick in if you feel your child is being mistreated or unfairly disciplined. I know if it was me I would have a hard time with someone over stepping what I thought was fair. I would hope that counseling can help you both see what is reasonable and what is not. Maybe help set up a system you both can agree on..

cryingmama's picture

I can relate both to you and your husband. Being a parent is hard, but being a step parent can be much harder. Falling in love with a child is easy when its your own child, when they are little, or when there are no other issues/ parents ext. The idea of becoming a step parent is much more romantic than the actual work of being a good one. I say go to counseling, try if you still love him. Maybe he doesn't want to be a father maybe just a friend or roommate. 11 could be anouther problem its the beginning of being a teen not a lot of fun and maybe that scares him. Try to make yourself the only parent to disapline but demand your son shows respect for him. Dont expect a lot of bonding or love that can come in time. Good Luck !