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Parents Please Stop It

NoBigDeal's picture

Parents  please stop (CHANGING  INTO A Slobbering IDIOT)  when the kids come to visit,  when the phone  rings, etc.  

Stop the red carpet treatment.  Your doing it out if guilt.  STOP IT.

When your kid calls on  the phone and you come out of  tv slumber half asleep and get jolted by lightening and eyes perk up, you begin to salivate. Oh my GOLDEN NUGGET of the GOLDEN VAGINA,  kiss the phone kiss the phone.   My LOVELY,  BEAUTIFUL KID, YOUR SO SMART,  WONDERFUL,  OH HOW I MISS YOU, LAUGH LAUGH, GIDDY GIDDY.  Then you hang up the phone and go back to TV SLUMBER.  You get quiet,  and don't interact with your spouse for the remainder of that day into the next.

Or when they visit. You cook all WHAT THEY WANT whilst never asking your SPOUSE  what would you like. BECAUSE  LETS FACE IT MY KIDS HERE, YOUVE STOPPED MATTERING  for now until they leave.   YES THATS EXACTLY what you do.

Every night OF the year you and your partner sit hand in hand watching tv, movies,  etc but during  that visit (IT STOPS,  BREAKS SLAM ON).  You stop every part of  your normal life to CATER out of your GUILT,  out of  your POOR PARENTING,  out of  FEAR YOULL LOSE THEM. 

What your doing right there is destroying your marriage.  Pushing your spouse out, excluding them temporarily,  turning the spouse switch to PAUSE because after all you live with your spouse,  they can sit idle on a shelf whilst  you (DO YOUR GUILTING PARENT SLOBBERING)  .  

You wonder why you were divorced.  You wonder why your first marriage failed.   You wonder why KID DON'T  LIKE NEW SPOUSE?  Or why spouse doesn't like  skid?  

LOOK IN THE MIRROR. Your the only one who can fix what you CREATED.  STOP THE SLOBBERING!!!!!  EYE ROLL INSERTED. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I will never understand why parents do this. Obviously your first relationship with the other BP didnt work out and chances are there was or is still conflict between them. So why would you not want your kids to see what a happy, healthy relationship looks like. Children's future relationships are based on thier experiences growing up. They obviously know what a failed relationship looks like, why not model what a successful relationship looks like. 

ldvilen's picture

I posted this elsewhere a while back, and I’ll post it again here, because I think it is one of those things (among many) that non-steps rarely get:  I don't think it is uncommon for SKs, even as adults, to not understand SM's true role.  Part of that is because some SMs overreach, some SKs are jealous, or the other way around, and so on.  But, I don't think the bioparents, in general, do that good of a job of explaining what SM's true role is, and that is as dad's wife.  I do think a lot of men, either accidentally, on purpose, or accidentally on purpose, tend to be rather dismissive of their wife (SM) whenever their kids are around, and it is not just dad focusing on his children.  It is dad, himself, showing that even he is not comfortable with SM's role around his own children.

Sure, dad may know he loves SM, loves being with her, she's his partner for life, etc., but around the kids, his kids with another woman, he's not real sure what to do with the elephant in the room, so to speak.  Not excusing this at all.  Just saying that that is the way it too often seems to go.  It is almost like there is something wrong with dad just acting and treating SM like what she is, his wife (or SO), around his children.  And, unfortunately, i think DHs themselves enough of the time think it is somehow an insult to their own children to just hug or show any kind of affection toward another woman other than their mother, and this can be even after DH and SM have been married for years.   

Nonetheless, the end result is that SKs wind up seeing this new woman in their lives (and their dad's life) as competition for resources--time, money and attention.  It is only with dad's constant reminding that this is his wife AND with dad treating SM as his wife, that SKs can begin to see her true role.  And, let's face it, not enough dads do this.  Instead, SKs wind up seeing SM more like another naughty-sibling that they have to compete with, and especially see her as competition for mom.  That is why if you have a BM who is into kind of PAS and a DH with his head in the sand when it comes to BM and his kids, that no matter how well intended you may be as a SM, it will never be a smooth road for you.  Never.

Yep, look in the mirror is right.  No spouse wants to nor deserves to be treated as sloppy seconds around anyone, much less by her own husband.  SKs see dad treating SM like she is inconsequential and mirror dad's behavior--that SM is just there for his entertainment and when they are not around.  BMs (and many others, incl. the media) certainly tend to push SMs as dad's piece-on-the-side too.  Thus, dad's wife (SM), without her husband having her back 100% of the time and treating her as an equal, true life partner, will fail; all courtesy of her own husband.  So, SM is forced to either: Have a cominig-to-Jesus moment with DH and hope it takes, suck it up and take it herself, disengage, or leave the relationship.  Not a lot of choices.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yes. They want SPs and skids to have a good relationship yet they continually do things to undermine that relationship. Set it up to fail and then blame the stepparent because they are the "adult". 

Momof6WI's picture

This is the one thing I am so grateful for. My SO has never treated me differently around the children, mine or his. He makes food that he knows I love and when the kids ask why were having this he just tells them "she likes it". Not to say he never makes foods they like- cause he does. He's always been very consistent with the way he treats me, and I'm thankful for that. It definitely does not go unnoticed. 

SeeYouNever's picture

So glad my husband isn't like this. He was when SD was 7 but that stopped as soon as she got an attitude. She hasn't learned that you don't get special treatment if you treat your dad like garbage.

NoBigDeal's picture

Stop it now!!! Or walk.  Set those boundaries now and mean them, dont back down.

I feel _______ when you _______.  So if you keep making me feel____________ blank after I've expressed my feelings  that means you dont value  my feelings and your not putting the marriage first.  So  there are consequences for lack of respect that includes (ideas here)....  not seeing g each other for 7 days,  no text, calls, or in person togetherness.  Cut them off 7 days.  Then if that works out good. If then the next time you (LEAVE FOR GOOD).  Nothing changes if nothing  changes. 

This is the only way these relationships can work.  When the marriage comes first and each partner respects their  partner.  Then the couple "live the successful,  normal,  FUNCTIONAL "  example of a good relationship.   AND ACTUALLY HAVE A GOOD FUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP.   HELLO.... . OUT. THERE...

Stop it stop it stop it.....Grow a set people...

 

Miss T's picture

This is so true: It is dad, himself, showing that even he is not comfortable with SM's role around his own children.

To put a finer point on it, I think that men are often uncomfortable showing their children that this "new woman" has replaced their mother in his life. You can talk yourself blue but children will never experience this as anything but a rejection of them.

The hope of sparing his son's feelings was perhaps why DH tiptoed around his ex for a long time after we became a couple. It was almost like he did not want his kid to see, or to understand, that he was truly done with SS's mother. Although there were some blatant and outrageous incidents, this usually came out in fairly subtle ways, and of course I was always imagining things and being petty and paranoid. Still I campaigned furiously against what felt to me like  constant low-volume dissing with the occasional huge blow-up thrown in.

My efforts to put a halt to DH's pussyfooting were never fully successful. DH did not really snap out of it until his ex flung some egregiously abusive behavior and language at him. I was sitting a few feet from him at the time and could hear her screaming down the phone. He lost his temper with her at last.

Interestingly, this was after SS had left the area to attend university in another state. So he was never really exposed to the full horror of his mother being sidelined. I guess this was DH's way to try to spare his son's feelings somewhat, but it was at my expense and I do not appreciate having been put through the wringer while DH coddled his son.

Ultimately DH will find that privileging his son over his wife was the wrong choice. SS does not appear to have benefited from the kid glove treatment and I am more or less permanently p!ssed off. SS lives out of state, seldom contacts DH, and eventually will be competely sucked in to some girl/woman's family orbit. Whereas DH is stuck with me and my long memory. I can forgive him, but I will never forget.