Parenting/relationship problems
I'm 21. My fiancé is 36. We have a 15 month old son together and a 9 year old step son from his previous relationship. He lives with us full time.
I moved to his country when I was pregnant. I'm from England. Lived here over 2 years and haven't made any friends (mainly language barrier). I've been struggling and would really like some advice. I tried online therapy and that didn't help.
His son is spoilt and rude towards his dad, grandparents and mother. He hangs up the phone to his dad mid talking. He slams his door while arguing with his dad. He put a hole at the bottom of his door after kicking it and told his dad he didn't know how the hole got there. But the two weeks when he had an argument with his dad he was caught banging his new phone against this desk and cracked this bottom of his screen. (His phone was only a week old). He did that because his dad ate his chocolate bar and when he tried getting him a new one he got annoyed it wasn't the one he wanted. They have son and dad time during the week, they go ice skating or they go play hockey together just the two.
He sees his mother every other weekend. Last week the school had a week vacation. The full week he was in his room from morning til bedtime (midnight) this weekend he was supposed to go to his grandparents (he goes there on the weekends if he's not at his mothers). We live in the city and grandparents live in the countryside, some weekends he'll go there as his dad wants him to experience the countryside childhood he had, with no video games. But this weekend he refused to go because of this computer that he's on 24/7 and has been on for a full week straight. His dad said he can stay the weekend but there has to be rules with how long he'd stay on the computer because he's on it too much. He said fine I'll go with grandma but I'm taking my PS5 they go then his grandmother brings him back today when he was supppse to stay the two nights. His grandparents can't handle the tantrums so they always give in.
He doesn't see his mother as often because he finds out boring at her house. She gives in too when it comes to getting what he wants. None of the parents discipline. He gives me guilty father syndrome.
He does not feel comfortable disciplining or changing ng the way he parents. We are on a list waiting for family counselling but I'm wondering is there any point. I don't want him to do anything that makes him miserable. He thinks that I am overreacting with this. Maybe I am. My hormones have been all over the place with having my son then going back on birth control. I don't like feeling this way but I'm always so much happier when it's just us in the weekends and I don't want that. He says thinks it will get better. He's happy with his family and we are the best that's ever happened to him. We have spoken about these things for a while now. It's harder being young and unexpected with parenting and relationship, completely new country, none to talk to. Still not comfortable with my body after my son. I just want some advice and am I going the right direction.
You are not overreacting.
You are not overreacting. This child is out of control and the problem will only get worse. Your SO is a selfish parent who won't put aside whatever guilt he feels to be a good parent to his son, and the mother can't really be bothered at all. So your SS is a troubled kid who isn't getting what he needs from either parent.
Give the family counseling a go, but if your SO won't change how he parents, get out for your own sanity.
You have a DH problem
He's not parenting his kid. DH should be forcing his DS to go to his mothers, GP houses for visitation. He should limit his screen time. He should make it boring at your home.
I have told him this many
I have told him this many times. He's still too young to decide. Boring isn't a good enough excuse to not see his mother. It's like a computition to dad, which scares me. what if we separate, co parent and our son wants to live with dad full time because his house is more fun with no rules.
He's a good person, just gets manipulated easily.
I'm not trying to pry but if
I'm not trying to pry but if you tell us the country you moved to, maybe we can give you better advice. There are people from all over the world here. Knowing your environment can make a lot of difference.
The country I moved to is
The country I moved to is Finland
ANIKIIIIIIIIIII!
Where are you?
This is so pathetic it is funny. Lol
A 9yo has any number of adults so intimidated that he owns them. smh
This is not rocket science and nothing that a paddle to a 9yo ass followed by watching his phone, computer, and PS-5 being run over by a car in the driveway won't fix. A 9yo "refusing" to do as they are told when they are told can only happen when there are pathetic ball-less parents/failed pathetic adults present.
No more cowtowing to this POS spawn. When he refuses to go to his GPs, grab a handfull of base of the neck hair or firmly grasp an ear, give it a notable twist and march his ass to the car.
Lather..... rinse...... repeat.
Pathetic ball-less supposed adults who are intimidated by children make me wanna puke.
Grrrrrr!
Can I ask why you keep
Can I ask why you keep advocating for physically hitting or disciplining kids? You do realize there are tons of other ways to NOT be spineless and be firm and get them in line w/out what you keep advocating? In most of these cases, physical discipline can be greatly used against them in court.
I wonder, did your wife allow you to discipline your SS this way?
Running a PS5 over with a car, or rubbing kids faces in custody orders or support orders or what a crap parent the other one is is also alienation. You seem to always find joy in things that would be either physically or emotionally harmful to kids. It's just odd. And NO, I'm not an anti-spaking kind of parent but I also know there are tons of other ways to get a message accross that aren't so over the top.
You miss a notable point to
You miss a notable point to my advice. I do not advocate for direct assertive discipline or the wholesale application of the facts for well behaved reasonably behaved people or Angel children. When the hug it out, coddling, tolerate all of the crap parenting and adult behavioral accountability model has failed, that is when direct assertive discipline, review of the facts, and total destruction of the toxic blended family opposition recommendations come in to play.
Court is nothing to be intimidated by for those who know their CO, know the applicable supplemental rules, State regulations and who are diligent in seeking the best counsel available to deliver on the demands that the client has for their attorney.
A skilled attorney will effectively deal with any attempt by a toxic opposition to claim abuse when corporal punishment is applied to a toxic POS ill behaved repeatedly nasty minor child. Take a look at the link below for a quick reference to the applicable law in each US State. Only in DE is corporal punishment patently illegal. In all other States a parent can utilize corporal punishment, and in many States anyone acting en loco parentis, can apply corpora punishment for the discipline of a minor child if they believe that it is needed for the safety of the safety or well being of the child.
Kidjacked - Parent Education and Resource Network
As for my wife.... and I. We raised SS together as equity life partners and equity parents to our son (we married the week before he turned 2yo and he asked me to adopt him when he was 22).
We purged electronic gaming from our home when SS was in ~6th grade. It was impacting his grades, impacting his behavior, we had worked with him on those issues repeatedly, then we said enough is enough. Part of that progressive discipline was destroying a favorite game, etc, etc, etc....
I would premise that application and sharing of the full facts, rather than being alienation, is a last resort extremely effective response to committed alienation by a toxic blended family opposition with a committed history of PASing kids in blended family situations. The CO is the foundation of the blended family structure that many CODs and nearly all SKids live under. What is wrong with them knowing what that document says? Particularly when one or the other of their parents regularly manipulates and lies and the facts contained in the CO can very effectively shut the manipulations and lies of a toxic PASing parent down. Why let that POS parent victimize the Skid when the Skid can being given the facts and can know in real time when their manipulative PASing parent slings the bullshit? I/we did not start with the facts are neither good nor bad, they are merely facts, model in our blended family. We developed it over time as my SS's SpermClan lied, manipulated, and put my SS through hell with their crap. So... when he would return home from SpermLand visitation with the baggage of their most recent bullshit, we showed him the facts. That grew into him actively seeking the truth and facts as he grew up. Ultimately he was supremely prepared and capable of putting a stop to their crap in real time while on SpermLand visitation and has been able to protect himself from their crap as an adult.
Take a look at the Adult SKid forum in this community for a litany of tragic stories of adult Skids who became even worse than their toxic POS manipulative parent(s).
I agree that there are tons of other ways to get a message across to an ill behaved kid or toxic X. However, many of those other ways prove to be ineffective.
When that happens, it is time for the facts and effective misery inducing discipline.
Apparently your own blende family journey has not required that extraordinary consequences be applied. You are fortunate.
Rags, as said, I'm not anti
Rags, as said, I'm not anti-spanking but it seems to always be your go to and at that harsh methods like grabbing from an ear or hair which to me are a BIG no-no. That's something done in anger/frustation and reactionary and even the most ardent physical discipline supporter will know that's a big no. It should be done in a calm/non-reactive matter. As to 'fact checking' I think it can be overdone. Facts that counter alienation are not a bad thing per-se, but there's ways to do it and ways to do it that can cause alienation both ways. That shouldn't be our end goal. There are SO many in betweens to grabbing a kid from his hair and just coddle speak. I mean seriously, there are tons of effective non-physical forms of discipline.
We went through a lot of hell. SD learned very early to manipulate her non-communicating parents. Her BM used alienation tactics all the time, but so did my dhs' parents. Particularly my MIL-she wanted to hear the 'bad' things BM did and would then go off on how bad a parent her mother was to sd's face. This caused SD to act out even more. Kids that constantly told their other parents is 'bad' believes they are bad also. I have NO doubt your SS learned very young how 'poluted' his own genetics were, and I"m not sure that was a good thing for him.
We made it a point to not feed the dysfunction, we didn't speak ill of BM and when she started coming over and immediately telling everything that was bad with bm and her house/rules we would stop her and say BM's house/Bm's rules. Of course she learned it was ok to do by my MIL and also BM- so she learned that it was something was expected of her. YES, when things got really bad with BM we had to inquire, I mean she turned into a junkie so different rules applied....but it wasn't always that way. I never told my sons until older why we divorced and could understand.
As to running over an item, I find it malicious and innefective, the kid will only resent you. Not to mention they learn to manage their frustrations the same way, if it pisses me off I'll just destroy something they really love out of anger. It's wrong, I find it abusive TBH. I mean they can lose the priviledge for as long as it takes or they have to do other things to help around the home, etc. Maybe even donating the item to a child that doesn't have anything could be a better teaching lesson then that. I mean, wow. I stand by what I say, I find your advocated methods often abusive.
Certainly discipline with
Certainly discipline with anger is never a good idea. However, a calm forceful march to a corner, can make an indelible impression that the behavior that caused that consequence is not something the kid wants to repeat. The ear or scruff of the neck only come in to play when the kid thinks that they can refuse and makes the mistake of not doing as they are told when they are told and how they are told.
Actually, I nor my wife ever mentioned my SS;s gene pool to him. We did have a single event when he was a very young toddler that established our very supportive perspective on his relationship with his SpermClan. The Spermidiot had called with one of his periodic crying "I miss my family" whine fests. My DW shut him down and asked him if he wanted to hang up or speak with his son. She then handed the phone to the toddler who cheerfully said "Hi daddy DickHead!" My DW and I nearly stroked out. Fortunately a toddler just advancing in learning to talk is not clear so it was apparently not picked up by the Spermidiot as SS usually referred to him as "Daddy (Firstname)" . His firs name is similar to DickHead, particularly to the ears of a toddler . After that, we referred to everyone in the SpermClan by their name and though we always thought our discussions of them up to that point were out of SS's earshot, we learned that loose lips sink ships and toddler ears are very, very sharp. We were fortunate that we learned that lesson very early in our blended family adventure.
The facts started to come into play when SS would return from SpermLand upset that CS was taking food out of the mouths of his herd of also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by yet another BM of the month, or any number of other lies, manipulations, claims of victim hood, etc, etc, etc..... So, we told SS those things were not true, showed him the CO, etc, etc, etc.... and when the lies continued, the facts also continued to be shared with SS. We always engaged with SS in a positive manner regarding his Paternal-Bio clan. To the point that when they had cried to him repeatedly that they did not have the money to pay for their half of visitation travel costs and had chosen to skip multiple visitations we would pay for their share. We did that a number of times over the 16 years we lived with the CO.
I understand the reticense to get rid of/scrap a belonging. We certainly made sure to set the example of respecting things that had been worked hard for. However, when the SpermClan leveraged the Skid;s penchant for gaming addiction and it started to be a detriment to SS's performance, school, real life friendships, and behavior, we eliminated them. He participated in that elimination which made a notable impression on him. Interestingly, as an adult, he reintroduced gaming into his life on his own dime and time. He also reached a point where it was negatively impacting his relationships, career, and happiness at which point he pitched a laptop in the dumpster and purged them from his own life. In the years since then, he has learned to manage them and enjoy gaming as an element of his life rather than a controlling distraction to his life.
Parenting and parenting decisions have countless variable and differences.
My DW and I made sure to communicate and have each other's backs, and though neither of us gave a crap about the SpermClan we knew they were or at least should be important to SS so we fostered that relationship and regularly vectored his perspective to be at least respectful of them as part of his family. What I say here, has never been said to my SS. Ever.
No doubt he recognized that his mom nor I cared for them. I have often told him I am sorry he has to deal with their lies, manipulations, and crap and that I know it hurts him. They are what they are. He knows it, and he protects himself from their crap and puts them in their place by living a great life of his own.
I suppose any quality parent or adult wants nothing less for their kid(s). Though sadly, far too many are POS people who will sacrifice their own children to their own toxicity and far too many of their kids end up worse than they are.
That should not happen and it does not have to. If... that behavioral crap is not tolerated.
IMHO of course.
When it comes to discipline, what a kid should do as part of being a family, chores, should not be used as punishment. Nor should they be compensated for doing them. Telling a kid that they are being punished by cleaning their room, doing dishes, etc, etc, etc... is counter productive. That just teaches a kid that working is punishment and if they are paid for doing what they should automatically be doing it teaches them that doing the right thing they should get paid for. To use the logic you used saying destroying a loved item teaches anger and aggression.
As you did not tell your children the why of the divorce until they were older, we did not share any facts or tell SS the history or details except in response to lies and manipulations from the SpermClan. One example was the Spermidiot proudly telling his children that he had never been married or divorced when he was on some self delusional rant or another and attempting to demonize my SS's mom for being married. So, when SS came home from visitation and was flummoxed about why it would be bad that his mom and I were married, we visited the Custody/Visitation/Support file cabinets and pulled out the Spermidiot's marriage license registration and divorce registration from SpermLand county. When they would cry about the burden of CS, we showed him that CS was only $133/mo. When they told SS that his mom had stolen him from them, we showed the original CO granting full physical and legal custody to my wife. When they would harp on him that I was not his REAL father, we showed him the court order where the Judge had referred to me as his Step Father, highlighting the "Father" part.
Nothing we ever shared regarding the facts did we initiate the sharing of. We shared in response to manipulative toxic bullshit.
Sadly they continued their crap once he launched into adulthood. When he first joined the USAF they pressured him to have part of his pay sent directly to them in order to help support his younger siblings. He did not do it. In all likelihood because he knew that his Sperm Idiot paid nothing for his support or for the support of his three younger also out of wedlock half sibs. He saw his Sperm Idiot's wall of big screen monitors for gaming, his collection of Samurai armor and swords, his pimped out ride, etc, etc, etc... and told SpermGrandHag to go to her son for support for his children.
We did not just make this crap up. It had very specific goals and those were to counter toxic bullshit in a calm, logical, fact based manner. Ultimately it worked to minimize their crap. Sadly, after they had been reasonable for a while and felt that my DW had relaxed on holding them accountable, they would roll out the bullshit. And.. get smacked with the facts. Had they not attempted to victimize my SS with their crap, he would have not had to learn the facts until he asked. Which he eventually did ... usually after something the SpermClan said did not pass the smell test.
I have never understood and likely never will understand anyone being tolerant of toxic. Including toxic children. Ill behaved children don't just happen. Parents create them and foster their behavioral toxicity. I refuse to tolerate it or recognize that there is nothing that can effectively be done about it.
There is no reason for anyone to go through the pain, heartbreak, and drama of crappy behavior from the opposition or a kid when they can cut to the chase and implement effective consequences for any incident beyond the first one of that type.
Just my thoughts of course.