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lucinda_marie9's picture

My bf I feel consumes my life and while I love him, I don't know how to tell him that his kids overwhelm me. I feel like a babysitter/maid in my own house. He has three kids and I am a widow with a 3 year old son. It has now become a norm for his kids to always be at my house when it is his weekend. This wasn't ever really discussed with me if this was just sort of happened one weekend and now it is my life every other weekend. I love his kids but they are overwhelming and make me feel on edge the whole time they are here. I cook all the meals mostly and I clean up their messes and my bf stays here all the time with his dog. He is broke with child support and he is a diabetic with a high deductible so his medical costs are thru the roof. I basically feed him and his children and dog and wash all of his clothes and theirs. He does have his own house but has resorted to staying with me when I announced it was too hard for me to go to his house with my son since he doesn't have a bed there and I was living out of a suitcase where he has clothes here and it is just easier. But I never told him he had to stay here all the time. He could go home and take his dog and I would be okay with that. I love him more than I probably loved my late husband but I resent him. I cook during the week when I would much rather play with my kid and order some pizza but now I'm feeding another person and dog and I can't eat out as often as I'd like bc it costs me more but now I feel I am paying the price bc I don't get to spend as much time with my kid. There is so much more to this but I need help please!

Rags's picture

So....tell BF exactly what you just shared with us.

If you don't give him the message in a clear unequivocal manner .... he will be able to pretend that he didn't know that he was taking advantage of you.

Love does not require that you be miserable. If you are miserable... you don't love this guy. It is clear that he likely does not love you. If he did... you would not be suffering as you are.

Take care of you.

twoviewpoints's picture

Lucinda, time to show him the door. He's a user. You have your own child who needs your time and attention. Date him if you must, but time to send him back to his own home.

SMforever's picture

While it's great to have company, and sex, and all the good parts, this guy is bringing baggage as well. To be honest, I wouldn't see this as a winning situation if I were you.

It's easy to feel sorry for him with all his expenses and commitments, but ask yourself, how is this possibly going to work longer term if at all? i think you want a relationship that he just can't give you. He's testing your boundaries by making you do all the heavy lifting. Are you really competing for the title of saint, or are you just finally seeing he's taking advantage of your kindness?

Time to make a decision that is best for YOU and your son.

The words "we just aren't suited" is what I used with a similar BF from the past who had gradually migrated to my house despite having his own place. He walked away pissed off, but that was the moment when I saw so clearly that "using" was his habit and he did that to every girl, thinking his great provision of sex and company was all they need to want to keep house for him.

Yogaguru's picture

Wow. What is attracting you to this person? He sounds perfectly awful. What do you get out of this? Be firm and tell this adult that he needs to spend time with his children, at his home, and finance his own lifestyle. He is absolutely using you and you in turn are putting your son on the back-burner. He'll on be three once and you are setting the foundation. Why is he less important than this man, his need and demands, and HIS children?

I feel sorry for you because you either won't demand better or you don't know you deserve better but do it for your son if not yourself. Let the mama bear come out and use that anger to give you a voice.

bearcub25's picture

Have him keep his kids at his house. He can bring them for a visit on your terms but no more crashing there EOW. This may make it easier on you during the week if you have that break from his kids.

Acratopotes's picture

This is easy - simply tell your boyfriend, when it's his week-end with the children.... he stay at his house and entertain them there, you will visit but not sleep over...

When his kids are not with him, he's welcome to spend a night at your house.... be firm, before you know it he will move in, contribute nothing financially, you will be the only one cleaning cooking and paying, his children will disrespect you and he will demand you leave your house to them and not even your own kid.

Sorry Hon, but this is reality, only you can change it, simple tell your boyfriend him and his kids can not sleep over anymore, you need your own space... he can stay at his house and sort out his children

CANYOUHELP's picture

You really are getting very little out of this relationship but a ton of work and a pile of bills.

You can do much better than this and you're being played.... It is time to look out for yourself, stop being kind, and change your own life circumstances.

Why should he?????

lucinda_marie9's picture

I feel that I should be brutally honest. I came here for support. A few of these comments are harsh and rather assuming. What some of the constructive comments have opened my eyes to is that I have communication issues. A lot of that comes from my late husband. He basically never wanted to listen to me and that is why I am the way I am. Due to my bf and My circumstances it is hard to find time to talk when either of us are not exhausted. So that just means I need to make the time.

As for my boyfriend. All of the negative comments on here just made me realize even more how wonderful of a man he is. I didn't include all the things that he does do in here bc I never thought for a second people would accuse him of being a deadbeat guy and using me. He is in a rough spot right now and I intend to be in his future when he is not. If I want it to be a lasting relationship, I can't just expect the times to always be smooth and it happening closer in the beginning just prepares me for the future worst times. He is a gentle man. If he was using me...I would not be with him and I can guarantee you of that. He does help around the house. It is just when it overwhelms me is when his kids are around and that is when he is running around with them and leaves the house a mess. But after the weekend he does have them clean up....I just have issues during the weekend when the tornado is actually occurring. You see....I'm just used to one child's mess and not to four.

Java_Junkie's picture

That's a loving relationship right there.

Maybe ask him how he feels about you and him agreeing to assign some areas of responsibility to each of the kids? How do you think that'd go?

Java_Junkie's picture


Loxy's picture

You may love this man but his actions strongly suggest he doesn’t love you as you don’t treat someone you love that way.

If you don’t have the courage to do what needs to be done, which is to get rid of this user straight away, then get yourself some counselling immediately to try and work through why you have such low self-worth to allow yourself to be treated so poorly.

I really hope you find the courage and self-respect to take back your life and get rid of that man!

My first thought is that you should get rid of this man as he’s just using you. However, if you really love him then set some clear boundaries and stick to them. If he works with you and accepts your boundaries then maybe you have a chance.