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Overbearing or do I have issues

Givemeallthekitties's picture

My husband and I have 3 kids together. I have a 12 yr old son, he has a 11yr old daughter and we share a 2 year old.  My son Is not in residential placement due to violent and disrespect behavior. It's a story all in itself that we have luckily been able to work through together.  


Now, my step daughter is with us about 50/50. She is really a good kid.  I am and have struggled with her for the past year.  She is constantly under foo . She NEVER finds something to do on her own.   She is always waiting to be entertained and is constantly following the little one around and parenting him as if she was his mother. She will sit at the counter as we cook and take over any conversation.  If he walks into another room she will follow with her phone in hand. Interupting any conversation or make comments on our conversation . The only time anyone has to themselves when she is around is when someone is taking a shit and she is right back in your face the second you wipe.  I'm sorry but at 11 there sould be some independence.  I have tried several times to address was how I feel.  Everytime he either tells me he will work on it and never does because he doesnt want to hurt her feelings or he gets mad and leaves with her and the baby if I mention something while shes in the shower or when we have a small moment I may ask if he can ask her nicely to not discipline the baby or find something else to do on her own. I ask nicely to just try and remind him I live here too.  I'm really struggling with feeling guilty I feel this way.  


When she is over I feel like I am a third wheel.  I am not a mother or a wife. Just a guest in my own house.  Plans are made with and for her first and foremost and I have a real hard time swallowing that.  We work all week and I get real sick and tired of him always hinging and asking her what the weekend plans will be.  Like what am I? My gut and heart tells me that me and my husband should be the adults that are raising all of our children together.   I want to be a wife and mother and feel like we are a team.  Someone tell me I'm being crazy and ridiculous or give me advice on how to manage this if I am not the only one!

tog redux's picture

You are correct, you and your DH should be the adult parenting team in the home, and it should be you he consults with and discusses weekend plans with FIRST, not his 11-year-old daughter.

I don't personally have this issue, but read on, because a lot of people on this board do.

Doublehelix's picture

Constantly under foot...I can so relate to that. My bf’s kid (7) isn’t a bad kid either...she’s just ALWAYS there, following me around especially bc honestly I’m way more interesting than her dad (good hearted joke that he agrees with lol) BUT that doesn’t mean I want her latched onto me every time I sit on the couch or bombarded with the constant “Where are you going? What are you doing?” and yes, taking over every situation/conversation. 

All that aside and your husband should be making decisions together about what you’re doing and she shouldn’t be calling the shots without your having a say. Period. What happens if you tell him in advance what you’d like to do over the weekend before he asks her?

Harry's picture

That something you and DH must come to an understanding about.  50/50 is a lot of time with her BF.  That retraining of SO.   Following you around,  that also retraining of SD.  You must give SD things to do. Make a list of tasks for her to do. Away from you, just to get her away.  Give her so many she will stop being around you to stop the tasks.  If she does them or not that not the point it getting her away.  So whe can redo them again and again 

simifan's picture

You have a DH Problem. If he makes plans with her first - I would be distinctly unavailable. "Oh, sorry - i made plans to go to the park, mom's the mall, meet up with Mommy & me time."  

Kids need boundaries - Deal with SD directly 

"You are not Baby's mom, I am the parent and I will take care of it."

"It's rude to interupt a conversation, wait until we are finished."

"I need some private time, find something else to do."  

"This show is not apropriate for you - go play in your room."

JBDmom's picture

My SD is like this also though she’s only 4. It’s taken a lot from me and her dad to start finally doing things on her own. I also have to get onto her for trying to parent my DD who’s 1. Luckily I don’t have a problem with my SO making plans with SD before talking to me about it, but that’s probably because she lives with us full time. You’re feelings are completely valid and you shouldn’t let your DH tell you any different.