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Not sure what to do

kah428's picture

So I met my now husband while he was still married to his ex, but they were seperated because she left with another man and got pregnant. We had an amazing connection from the moment we met, everything seemed really easy and we had so much fun. I met his son after a few months and his son at the time was almost 2. Everything was fine for a while after that, even with his ex being mad that he moved on and found someone else and filed for a  divorce. 

Fast foward a few years, my husband and I have a 2 year old daughter and a little boy on the way. When his son comes to visit though, he acts as though we dont have a daughter. It was so bad the other day that she went upstairs, laid in her bed and cried because they wouldnt play with her and just kept telling her to go away. She is a big time daddys girl and she adores him more than anyone else. Im starting to worry that she is going to end up resenting him. She already hates when her brother comes around, I dont want her to hate her dad. 

Im starting to hate him because I feel like I cant trust him to have both kids alone. The other day, I decided to take a longer than normal shower, when I got downstairs she had a massive cut on her forehead and when I asked what happend, he said I dont know she just came over crying. I understand that toddlers get hurt but I feel like he shouldve atleast known what happened. Im really not ssure what I should do because I do love my husband and I know that he loves both me and my daughter but it seems like thats only when his son isnt around. 

Survivingstephell's picture

He only parents the SS when he is over?? Is that what you are trying to explain? He is father to BOTH and has to parent them to get along as the siblings they are.  That's his job to make sure they get to adulthood and like each other.  Those seeds need to be planted now.  If he continues on this parenting path, he will get to old age and wonder why NONE of his kids come to see him.  


kah428's picture

Yes, he ignores the dauther we have together and only pays attention to my SS. Ive been trying to tell them that he has to treat her the way he always does and include his son when  he is around otherwise she is going to end up hating him. He doesnt seem to understand it and its really sad.

Rags's picture

Time for a come to Jesus session with this failing father.  Sure, some limited 1:1 time between a parent and each of their children is important.  But.... not at the expense of the parental relationship with all of the other children.  Particularly when exclusion of other children represents a safety concern.

Toddlers toddle and some times they biff and hurt  themselves. However, if this is just a continuation of prior behaviors by your DH to fail to keep all of his children safe and include them equitably.... he needs your foot up his ass.  Your two children represent a huge stick for leveraging appropriate behavior from your DH.  Check the CS calculator for your state to get an idea of how big a stich you can bring to bear if DH fails to rectify this crap.

I have always struggled with the perspective that some parents in blended families have that visitation time with a non resident child is all about that child.  My thoughts on this are that the visiting child integrates into the resident family, is included as a member of the resident family, and is held to the same behavioral standards that any resident child is held to.  In an age appropriate manner of course.  The rest of the family does not go on the back burner while the non resident kid is present.

To me the biggest issue is that your DH seems to be ignoring your efforts to discuss your concerns over all of this.

Good luck.

Good luck.