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No power to parent because of manipulative BM with completely different lifestyle

delilah50's picture

Hi. I am new on here, so any help is greatly appreciated. I have a SS who is 10 and a SD who is 13. We have them one-week-on/one-week-off. A little background to my story. My husband is the best person I have ever met. Highly successful, highly engaged with the kids, never the dad who was happy to be a bachelor, only wanting to have his kids once a week for pizza. His wife of over 10 years must have gotten bored with her stay at home life style which he provided her with, so she started sleeping with an unemployed ne'er-do-well. Fast forward 5 years to her not being allowed to contact us or step on our property after we threatened legal action to stop stalking me and contacting him......which is where we are now. My husband and I are at then end of our ropes. Since she cannot stand to not be in control, she is completely manipulating her favorite child (my SD) and ignoring my SS. She has committed our SD to three travel ball teams so that our entire schedule is dominated by, or ruined by 11-15 games an practice a week, year round as we live in the south. To say no to my SD triggers her to report back to her mom and an meltdown ensues. She can't come on family outings, but then tells us she is always left out. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING we do is right. We both are highly educated successful people who live a beautiful, private life (no social life when the kids are here), we are married, and get along fabulously. If he has to go on a business trip (you know, for the job that pays here $3000 a month in child support, all their expenses, etc), she berates him to the kids and tells them he canceled on them because of me. She has consistently made up 100% lies (the only time I looked at my SD's phone a text had popped up I found a big one....and it was prefaced with DELETE THIS).She even told my SS that because he had a wart on his knee, he got it from an STD from me and not to use my towels........seriously, she has is destroying these kids lives. SD is her minion and her spy, and SS is always sick so he can get attention. And she gets attention from overzealous medical care for the kids. Anthrax vaccine anyone....? My point is this. We are losing a battle and we feel like we want to move. We live a great life, they are the typical trash, between jobs, living off of us basically. "money is evil......as long as someone is giving it to us, then it's okay" mentality. The BF of the BM has been sued several times recently for construction fraud (taking people's money, never doing the job). Whenever we try to instill any sort of values in these kids, or even say no, it's met with spoon fed responses straight from the cow's mouth. I always try to talk her up to the kids (seriously, it pains me....believe me) but damn, it's getting impossible. ANd I completely feel spied on by SD. And I can't stand it anymore. We feel like giving up like "hey BM, you have it all figured out? GO FOR IT then.".

Orange County Ca's picture

That's a lot of stuff going on. Have you asked the SD if she prefers baseball or prefers to not be "left out"? She's old enough to grasp the concept of limited time.

Three teams? Children's bodies are not able to handle over exercise and can be permanently disabled by too much of it. I'm not talking about wheelchair bound but bones not developed properly and prematurely ground down causing premature arthritis etc. etc.

I'm not sure how moving would help. Wouldn't that leave the kids permanently with BM? After all its her fault you two moved.

Since the BM responded to a letter threatening legal action you could try having your attorney write one telling her to quit whatever she is doing that you two feel is bad for the children. Look up "Parental Alienation Syndrome" on the Internet and see what fits your situation. Have your attorney tell her to knock it off. But frankly its impossible to stop it all short of asking around down at the docks for a hit man.

svillemomof4's picture

^^^^Agreed^^^^^^ When one parent signs up a child for a huge commitment that parent takes responsiblity of getting said child to events unless the consult the other parent(s) first. Your DH must do very well to pay her $3000 a month plus have joint custody. That seems a little out there to me, perhaps he just got screwed in the courts and needs to go back. Personally, let your SD stay with BM and keep SS with you. And you need to be documenting everything, she is abusing these children and if/when you go to court you need proof. I feel for you, best of luck!