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New sons dad hates my older children..

bufmama's picture

I have been with my boyfriend for a lil over three years and we have a 16 month old son together. I have four older children (16, 14, 11, and 9 all girls) from a previous marriage. My kids are good kids, i know all mothers say that, but they really are. They are NOT perfect and have issues and i have to deal with minor behavior issues on a dialy basis, like most parents. I am not strict, but i am NOT lax in my care. They are very respectful to me and anyone else they meet. Everyone tells me what wonderful children they are. I have never ONCE heard a bad thought, concern or disagreement about my children till i got involved with the man i am with now. He is the ONLY person who has ever said my kids are disrespectful. He is an only child, raised by a single mom, and this relationship is the longest he has ever been in. I know he doesnt have much experiance with life and famliy and kids, but at first he seemed to be willing to learn and love them. Now he doesnt even try. He just hate them. He tells me all the time that he resents them. He slams doors, yells at them, mutters nasty things under his breath when they are near and i cant stop any of it. He makes them feel bad and i am getting tired of it. Now we have a child together and i dont know what to do exactly. My heart tells e that he will not change and that i should move on and get him out of my childrens lives. I really did spend a year or more listening to all his complaints, trying to DO the things he said needed to be done, backing him up, telling my kids that he was authority and that they needed to respect him, but he acts just like THEY do. I cant condone that. I do NOT sink to my childrens level ever and i am consistant in my disapline with them. He is all over the place. I just dont think he is the right fit for my family. I do love him and i want things to work, but when is enough just enough and when do you just cut ties? Of course complications are involved, and i just cant up and leave for financial reasons... but emotionally i feel like i have already left. Can a person who hates my kids ever learn to love them as much as i do? enjoy them? WANT them? is it even possible?

oneoffour's picture

Leave. Now.

In time your daughters will look for a man who WILL treat them nicely. Unfortunately they are liable to end up with someone just like their brothers father.

Start making plans and leave. Your daughters deserve better. Think of it this way... in the future you may have grandchildren. Would you want your daughter living with a man who treated your grandbabies like this?? You just answered your question.

skylarksms's picture

I agree. You have a child with this guy but you have children from before this. Those children had no say in having to live with this guy.

My DH was a total ass to my DS and thought he was a horrible kid even though he got good grades, never got in any major trouble, etc., etc. Nevermind that his daughter got pregnant when she was 16, but whatever.

All I know is my DS is living on his own now and HATES his stepdad. I know that it is going to be problematic when my DS has his own children.

I feel guilty every day for subjecting my DS to my DH's resentment.

halfstepmom2skids's picture

This is very sad and i am sorry you are going through this. Your kids are really being exposed to some really nasty shit that they don't deserve. It is a very scary thing to go through with being on your own, but don't forget about the CS. My bio kids new sm is very rude to my one son. I heard her talking to my younger son on speaker phone and she was very nice to him. My older son asked to talk to her, cuz he tries even though he knows she hates him, he said "Hey Kelly, How are ya" real friendly. Her tone completely changed and said very low, Oh, hi alex. Hearing it for myself was enough for me to tell my son he didn't have to go anymore. He had been begging me for weeks not to go and i told he to keep trying. He said he would go in the room she was in and she would leave.
Bottom line, they are your babys and you don't stop at nothing to get them to a happier place. Keeping them in a situation which is mentally abusive to them and you is absolutely not acceptable. You really sound like you got it together with the parenting but need to work on building yourself up to get strong and leave. Forget about his behaviors, all of them, and concentrate on you. Eat better, sleep better, and get strong.If you scared, do a trial separation, telling yourself and him that if you don't separate you will eventually be divorced. A separation could save your marriage or make you strong enough to never go back.

THE Wifey's picture

You kind of sound like FDH does sometimes with the "everyone thinks my kids are wonderful", he tells me I am the only one who has ever said they are disrespectful etc... when they clearly ARE disrespectful. For me, it is that I have never been around kids so I don't really know how they are supposed to act. I do not HATE the kids, but I do think they can be bratty at times. I do wish that they would go away at times and I do get fed up. Has this man told you he hates your kids or just that he is having trouble adjusting? My FDH is a drama queen about this. I "hate" his kids because I refuse to fall down and worship them like all of the other adults in their lives have done. I don't hate them, I just don't LIKE them at times. I still love them. So I ask you to really be honest with yourself: is this guy like I am or has he actually said "I HATE THEM". I have gone so far as to tell FDH that I wish he didn't have kids sometimes because they ruin things for us, and there would be less drama without them and the BM. I still love them.

If, on the other hand this guy is a psychopathic jerk who truly hates your kids, get RID of him... your daughters will be negatively affected for the rest of their lives if they have to remain living in a house with a person who clearly TRULY doesn't want them there.

Orange County Ca's picture

Why are you still there? Your children will bear scars of this for the rest of their life. How deep are you going to let those wounds get before you act?