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New member, new blended family... Just venting.

0wls's picture

First let me say that I am so, SO happy to have found this site and forum. I'm a soon to be mom (literally due any day now with my first child) and I have only been a stepmom since December (officially.)

A short back story:
I've known my husband since we were 14 (we are now 28) and we were always friends over the years. Lost touch for a few years, met back up last May, were living together by July, found out I was preggo in September and we were married in December. Yeah, my head is still spinning and it hasn't been a fairy tale either. We love each other and we are working on things... He has two children. His son is 7, daughter is 4. I've been around his son since the beginning of our relationship and I can say that I genuinely care about the kid. He's funny, smart and over all well behaved. He has his moments of being a miniature jerk face (just like his daddy!) but I mostly enjoy his company.

Now... My step daughter...
Because of custody issues I didn't even get to meet her until November. She's not a bad kid, but her biological mother is quite awful. Drugs and partying are her priorities, she lives with her mom, doesn't have a job, dirty house, etc. Every other week when we get SD, she looks homeless. Dirty clothes, dirt on her face, hair in tangles... The first thing we usually do is take her home and bathe her and change her clothes because she stinks. She tells us repeatedly that "at her nana's house she doesn't have to take a bath every day and she doesn't have to wash her hands after going to the bathroom." When she doesn't get her way here with her father and me, she cries and wants to go back to her mom and grandma where they baby her. Here, she asks for help with EVERYTHING. Tying her shoes, getting dressed, feeding herself, putting caps back on magic makers after drawing, opening the door, and the list could go on. She's a kid, I get that. But she will be 5 in a couple of months and my husband and I agree -- she acts more like my 3 year old niece than an almost 5 year old.

I feel guilty and mean for feeling so irritated by her, but I dread it when she is coming over. Sad I just count down until she leaves. I usually hide in my bedroom or office and try to avoid having to do stuff for her.

My husband is mostly on the same page as I am with her in most ways. He gets irritated by her as well and tries to teach her to be more independent and mature but it's to no avail. As soon as she's back with her mom, any and all progress we made with her goes right out the proverbial window and she's back to square one.

In my defense, I'm probably slightly overreacting to this because I'm 9 months pregnant and I feel miserable as it is, so having two kids in my house (yes, my house because it has been mine for the last 4 years and I pay the rent) just stresses me more. I work from home and I am totally independent of my husband. He works odd jobs for now and is in school to finish some certifications for his career.

That kind of brings me to another qualm I have... He expects me to just jump in and be their mother when they are here. I already do their laundry, clean up after them, cook for them and pay for their food when we go out, and sometimes I pick up my SS from school. I can't (and won't!) do everything though. My husband thinks I should do 100% of the house work, take care of his kids, run my business and pay 85% of our bills, have our baby and be able to do it all without complaining. Did I mention that it's almost 6 am and I haven't been to bed yet because I was working (I'm a graphic designer) and now I'm so stressed and irritated that I can't sleep?

I'm just rambling now and I know I'm leaving out things I had intended to write. I guess what this all boils down to is my obvious irritation with my situation as a whole and my feelings towards my husband are more or less reflected in some capacity in how I feel toward my step kids, if that makes sense.

Thanks for listening/reading!

sterlingsilver's picture

It all totally makes sense. So are you going to take time away from work at least when baby arrives? You are NOT going to be able to do all that you are doing now plus and baby, it won't fit into your schedule. Baby's are full time in and of themselves. I'd suggest maybe also having a couple months alone and no skids for awhile until you adjust to the new one and maybe get hubby working.

I am in your shoes financially too, only years down the road. Bs15 and ss16 still live with us but we had bs17 and ss19 with us for awhile too. We got married a year ago and now DH has cancer and cannot work much, tho he does a bit. His social security has not kicked in yet after months of waiting and so I am carrying the load financially. I work two jobs.

I cannot imagine being pregos and carrying the load, it's just not fair for you and for the baby. You have to start delegating!! To DH!!

oldone's picture

Tell your DH that he needs to man up and stop being such a loser. A real man would never treat his wife like that.

0wls's picture

Thanks everyone for your replies! I'm trying to peacefully approach the subject of sharing responsibilities around the house, especially once my son is born. However, my husband seems to be stuck in the mindset that because he is a male, he is exempt from house work and that should all be my responsibility -- whether they're my kids or not. I do indeed care for them both but I can feel resentment creeping up because I already have zero time for anything other than working, cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping.

Once my son is here, some of that will have to be pushed aside. My baby will be my #1 priority. I can't take off work too long because I have too much financial responsibility, but I plan to try and just recover for a week or so. I feel selfish for hoping my son decides to arrive on a week or weekend when we don't have the skids because if they're here, I won't be able to relax or sleep. They get up early and are loud and wake me. Their dad could sleep through an explosion so he doesn't hear anything. >.<

As of today, my husband has decided to apply for a job that is out of town about 80 miles away. He would be working 10 hour days and driving a total of about three hours a day, five days a week. He claims his mom and sister will pick up his kids from school or their moms', but I know that'll only last for a week or so before they get irritated and it's suddenly my job to do that while he works.

The more I write about it all, the more I see the issue here is the way my husband approaches everything. He doesn't appreciate anything I do and I feel very alone and overwhelmed in my situation. Sad

I am a mixed up concoction of feeling guilty, angry and sad. Guilty I guess because I feel mean for not being a good step mom but I'm doing the best I can...

bug's picture

Why are you with this man. You'd have better luck as a single mother with only one kid to take care of.

Crazy_Psycho's picture

Sounds like he is taking you for granted. I would give him a little scare and leave. Then the hought of dealing with three kids on his own..he will sh*t himself. Trust me