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New here, and looking for advice and to vent

SwanSoon2B's picture

Hello all, I am obviously new here. I am 32 and currently engaged to a wonderful 33 yr old man. I have one BD, she is 7. FH has two children who will soon be my stepkids. SS is 6, and SD is 9. FH moved in with me about 6 weeks ago, and we're starting to experience a lot of issues between our kids.

Initially, when they met, they all loved one another & played well together. But, lately has been a different story. Our girls are at each other's throats constantly, which in turn leads to FH & I fighting. Unfortunately, we both have a tendency to take sides w/our own BK, although we each agree that it's not just one or the other causing the problem, it's definitely something that both contribute to.

One thing I notice is that SD has started getting very sassy. I feel that a lot of this is coming from her BM. FH's ex has been a stay at home mom until just a month ago. She has always let the kids have everything they wanted, and pretty much waited on them hand & foot until she went back to work. SD has started placing a lot of emphasis on "things". She is very snotty about announcing everything she's gotten over the past week, along with stating the cost of each & every item. She makes my BD feel like she's 'older' or 'showing off', and even rolls her eyes a lot at my daughter when she's in the process of making these announcements. This in turn upsets my daughter, who usually proceeds to cry & tattle.....which then upsets SD into continuing the behavior. It's a no-win battle, that just continues in a circle until myself or FH blow up.... I also witnessed her behave this way to her own brother this past weekend.

I'm afraid to tell FH that my thoughts are that his daughter is having a very hard time adjusting, because he gets very upset & defensive when I do, and then comes back with all of the things that my daughter does that 'start it'. We have both agreed to some counseling. I'm in the process of looking for a family counselor right now. But, in the meantime, how do we keep these kids from having non-stop battling every other weekend?

stepmom008's picture

That's great you've agreed to counseling. That's a really important first step. My SD used to do the same thing, still does every once in a while & it ABSOLUTELY comes from Wilda.

How about if you both come up with a list of things (both good and bad) that you've both noticed for each girl and promise to discuss it rationally without defense? Could that help? I know that BF and I usually do better with discussing things when they're written down.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".