New to here, and this life. Long and boring but I just want to be heard.
I've been dating a man for almost 2 years. We live 2 hours apart. I have 1 daughter, she is 17. He has 4 children. There are 2 boys 15 and 12 and 2 girls 10 and 6. We have decided to get married next summer after my daughter graduates high school and moves to college. She is thrilled and loves my fiance greatly. We started bringing this idea up to his children to ease the blow over the next year and work out any major details over this time before we are all permanently under one roof. His children are at his house from Thursday morning before school until 6pm Sunday evening every week. He pays $2000.00 in child support a month. They worked this all out in their divorce. She wanted "her weekends free" She lives in a home that belongs to his family so, she pays no rent. Her vehicle is paid for with her half of the home she got in the divorce settlement.
She is constantly needing help with half of whatever she thinks the kids need.
She talks terrible about me but comes at it from the side. Example, She defines herself as a "country girl" so make-up is too girly and so therefore I am seen in a negative light just because I wear makeup. The youngest even informed me last week I should stop wearing make-up because she hates it and she would never wear it. I asked why she hated it (we have played dress up numerous times and now she refuses) and she said because her mom told her what it was made of and it's disgusting. Which I later found out she was told it was made from "dead baby's skin". Seriously??
So she doesn't talk bad about me by name it is just anything that can be associated with me from a physical perspective.
It's causing the youngest to really start to reject me and for the last 2 years she has been my biggest supporter. But when we told them about the upcoming 1 year away marriage, they came back the next Thursday saying how their mom is getting married too and they are going to have a step dad and step sister and move to a new home and change schools and so on and so forth, 4 years from now. The youngest is now not acknowledging me at all. She is in her Dad's lap when I am around, when I sit next to her she puts her back to me. She will not even hardly speak but goes on constantly about her new Step Dad. Which, btw is a man their mother has been dating 3 weeks but when you know it's right you just know it we are told.
I've worked so hard building relationships with all of them and now I'm back to square one with the one I never thought I would lose.
It gets worse. The Mom is now asking for them on Saturday afternoon for a few hours (as she never has any weekends with them which has been fine for the last 4 years but now is not when her bf has his daughter) and she tells them all about what they are going to do so my bf lets them go, so he doesn't look like a jerk to them then when they come back a few hours later they haven't done anything because Mom is too broke to do anything, she doesn't have any help, she's just a poor single mother.
So frustrating. I feel like I have to stay out of it because I don't have a dog in the fight but then again, we will never be a family if she is constantly manipulating. It's awful. And I don't even live there. Any thoughts? I know I have rambled and I sound selfish. Just any thoughts please be kind to me. I am still learning. Also, I am 42 so I do have life experience but I do not come from a divorced family, and my divorce we had no issues.
Where is your partner in all
Where is your partner in all this? Yes BM is a cow but the kids are disrespectful to you in front of dad- sitting in his knee and turning away and he is letting this happen.
This gives them green light to treat you bad. Either bf stands up and sorts shit out or don't get married. Stop putting up with all this bad behaviour
Also not selfish- you are
Also not selfish- you are kind and tried hard with these kids.
Dh is a coward and BM is a shite stirrer
Have dh sit down with kids and explain you are kind and nice and deserve to be respected. Punish them when they do not respect
Have him tell them that ppl like different things and maybe mommy doesn't like make up but you do. Ppl are different but this does not make them bad
Respect yourself enough to demand respect from dh and these children and for him to step up when they don't
If he can't do not marry him cause then the misery will be 24/7
also he needs to start following court order to letter - no more extra money no more extra days- tell him to grow a pair
I can totally relate to you.
I can totally relate to you. Been with my SO for 2 years now and he has 4 kids (18, 16, 14 and 11). I have 5 (one is 19 and out of the house). My kids adore my SO while his kids don't think well of me due to bad mouthing from BM. BM is very religious and says she will always be married in the eyes of God! She calls me a mistress because I stay over at his house on the weekend he has the kids (he has 50/50 custody, one week on, one week off). BM has convinced the kids that this is an uncomfortable situation and last weekend she literally kidnapped the kids and my SO had to call the police to get them back. We are hoping to marry in a year and move our families in together! BM is just a jealous bitch who failed in her marriage and doesn't want SO to ever be happy again since he was the one who left the bad marriage.
Forgot to add. BM is trying
Forgot to add. BM is trying to convince the kids that they should stay with her full time because of our ungodly ways (sleeping in the same bed before marriage)! My SO fears losing his kids because in Canada teenagers can decide where they chose to live. He already pay quite a bit in child support even though he has them 50 percent of the time. He will be paying about $3,000 a month if they live with their mom full time! I feel bad for my SO. BM's have a big influence on how the skids feel about us. not sure it will ever get better for us??
Under the current
Under the current circumstances this would be the deal breaker for me, all of it in one big ball.
I would not tolerate NOR allow my own bios to be disrespectful inside my home why would I give a free pass to anyone else. I wouldn't. Yeah I get it no kid is without their moments, but moments should be quickly followed up with I AM SO SORRY and the bio parent standing right there giving the evil eye to their child. Personally I have a problem with parents who DO NOT hold their kids accountable.
It also appears that your future husband has an arrangement with his ex wife to pay above what the court ordered him to do. Truth is, he is NOT required to by law nor is it immoral for him do so. You may already be paying for things inside your home that you shouldn't be because of this arrangement.
Please take the time to really think about this marriage--based on everything that is going on right 'now', you may find yourself regretting it in a few years.
Time to revue the CO and CS
Time to revue the CO and CS payment history with the StepSpawn and start seasoning them with the facts of their blended family situation. It is also time for DH and his family to evict BM from their property. The marriage is over and BM needs to stand on her own since she is receiving nearly $25K/yr in ongoing prostitution on the installment plan payments from your DH. The kids need to clearly understand the situation, the history, BM's behaviors, etc, etc, etc..... Outline her relationship history since the divorce and start asking pointed questions of the kids if deciding to marry 3wks after meeting someone is reasonable and also if BM is actually likely to give up a free home provided by DH's family to launch on her fantasy marriage to the latest and greatest Mr. Wonderful.
It is also time for your DH to quit caving on BM requests out of guilt and fear of looking like the bad guy. The answer when BM asks for any money beyond CS or anything in addition to what is in the CO is NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! DH needs to comprehend what divorce means. He has a life, a wife, and his own life and family to support and participate in. BM is not his problem. If his kids whine about poor single mom broke BM DH needs to set them straight and roll out the financial contribution spreadsheet showing CS, free rent, and any other financial contributions DH and his family make to support the fees for renting BM's womb.
As for the toxic SD.... no worries. If she checks out and fails to engage reasonably then bring the pain for any inappropriate behaviors on her part and write her off with a firm good riddance until she extricates her head from her ass and gets over her current case of Cranio-Rectitis.
Not your spawn, not your problem.
Take care yourself, your marriage, and your family and help DH maintain clarity that he owes nothing to the BM beyond the extremely generous spawning for dollars payments ... then only until the Spawn age out from under the CO'd CS requirements after that if BM starves or has to move in to a refrigerator box under the local highway overpass then so be it.
For sure DH needs to man up, put a hand between his legs to get big ole handful of man sack, give it a squeeze, and jerk a knot in the tails of any of his toxic spawn who behave toward his bride in any manner other than with absolute respect and politeness.
Both you and DH need to quit worrying so much about the fee fees of the spawn and the BM and learn to focus on enforcing the standards of reasonable behavior that you both should insist upon.
When BM steps out of line you both need to learn to enjoy bringing the pain that she earns. This also applies to the behaviors of the Skids though make sure to keep the enjoyment adequately veiled regarding applying Skid consequences. You don't want them to know how much fun you are having.
}:) }:) }:)
You're not being selfish.
You're not being selfish.
Thank you each and every one
Thank you each and every one for your thoughts. I truly appreciate them. To respond to some directly-
Dad is seeing what the child is doing now. He was really not noticing the first few times it happened but now is seeing and is correcting on the spot. So he is not allowing disrespect.
BM (I think that means biological Mom? I am so not up on lingo sorry) has played victim to the children for so long that they feel so sorry for her plight that it is really bad. In regards to her saying how she is broke constantly, about 3 weeks ago (Father's Day) when she asked for the kids for that weekend to take them to a water park (she would "never" ask on Father's Day but it really was the only day she could do it, she said) she then did follow through on that. When they came back on Thursday youngest was crying that evening about her dog going to die. Dad asks her why she thinks that and she responds with how her mom cannot afford food for it so it could be dead when she goes home on Sunday. Dad freaks out. Gathers them all and shows them on his check stub where they get said money direct from his check and that he pays this because he wants them to have all they need. They all seemed to understand. I so wanted to scream "when she says she's broke ask her where your money goes!!!" but I don't get involved.
Dad had never wanted to talk to them about child support as he felt they didn't understand it but now that she is being so vengeful he felt it was best just to show proof and talk about it. He also offered to take dog so it would be fed and no fear. I feel that the BM is being cruel to use the dog as a way to show her hate for Dad. Just seems sick to me.
I am fine to postpone until all are okay with it and they feel comfortable. I know I am a bit different from their mom and I am fine for them to take time to get to know me. I do also feel that I will always be just a woman that lives there and not ever seen as anything more. I am looking forward to them being adults and then having genuine relationships with the ones that see their mom for who she is and truly want to see the value in me. At this point I just feel sad for them missing out on me and all I have to offer because I am a strong independent woman with a successful career and I could be a good role model for all of them.
I have tried many things to build relationships with them and so from that perspective I am not back a square one honestly. I am just experiencing a setback that I didn't see coming so I have made it worse in my mind. Not usually overly dramatic but in this case I guess I was.
I guess my main questions of concern are
What would it hurt anyone if these 4 kids had another person love them? I am not bad and my intentions are good so why can't see not see me as a competition and just think it's great to have another strong adult support her kids like family.
Why do I have to be seen as negative because I am girly and like to take care of my hygiene and physical appearance. Why is all the sudden it a bad thing to have pride in your appearance?
How can I get them to see me on the inside and change their way of feeling that they are being disloyal to BM by liking me?
I am sure all of these questions have been asked in many ways but I ask them again for perspective.
Thanks again for all your thoughts. This has been a great place for me as I have very few friends I discuss anything with and the ones I do have never been in this situation.
Though I understand your
Though I understand your desire for the kids to be Okay with the wedding and for the kids to like you I think you are way missing the point of the situation.
THEY DO NOT MATTER AT ALL IN YOUR WEDDING, YOUR MARRIAGE, AND FOR SURE IT DOES NOT MATTER IF THEY LIKE YOU OR APPROVE OF YOUR MARRIAGE TO THEIR DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are kids, the do not get a say or an opinion. They do what they are told when they are told and they behave appropriately and in compliance with the standards of behavior that you and their father as equity life partners and equity parents to any children in your home set. Or they suffer the consequences of their chosen behaviors.
If they are engaging and behave reasonably then you interface with them reasonably. If they choose otherwise... they do not matter and they suffer the results of their choices.
If you and DH set and enforce the standards of behavior the kids will have no ability to manipulate or interfere in your marriage.
For sure BM gets absolutely no consideration or say.
The earlier you set and enforce these boundaries the easier time you will have.
Good luck.
I hate to say it - but maybe
I hate to say it - but maybe postponing the wedding would be a good thing to consider. At the age of his kids, they are very influential and will believe anything their mother is telling them. My skids were 12, 14, 17, and 19 when Dh and I got married. At first they were all angels (even mine lol) but that was short lived and things started to get pretty ugly pretty fast. I do not regret marrying Dh - but when you add skids to the mix, there are definitely times where you set and wonder 'what have i done...?' There are too many times when I am completely ignored when I speak to them or I am given a smart-ass answer to simple questions - all outside of Dh earshot too. They know what they are doing and they play the game very well.
Bm actually sounds a lot like my ex - when he found out I was remarrying (even though he had ALREADY remarried) he started telling my daughter that he was going to spend more time with her and take her place, she could come stay more often at his house, etc. Now after 4 years - she sees him once a year. Bm is probably feeling threatened and wants to secure her rightful place as mother - as if you would want to possibly take her place.
My advice, don't invest so much time in trying to get them to see the real you - they wont until they get older. Your character will speak louder through your actions than your words. It is their job to dislike you just because Bm doesn't know you.