I am new here, but I am glad to find this forum. I hope that I might finally be understood and get some support and constructive advice instead of criticism.

I am 31 and have been with my fiance for 2 and a half years. His son is from a previous marriage, but then he divorced bio mom before my SS was two.

He met me when SS was about five and a half. I was told that this child was precocious and rambunctious. Those were understatements. People who had know them a while hissed warnings at me about SS whenever J wasn't around. He vehemently denies that anyone has anything bad to say about SS. I don't know if he is in denial or what. I doubt that these people are lying since there are several of them and none of them are particularly friendly with one another. The story is all the same from all these mostly unrelated sources. Of course this all cam out after I was deeply entrenched in the relationship and only had a slight tingling sense that something was "off".

Well, SS has been difficult pretty much since the word go. At first I played it off that he was just "adjusting" but then his teacher was calling me EVERY day with some new complaint. He was so uncooperative at school and had been for weeks before my arrival, that they were going to hold him back AND put him in special ed. He was in kindergarten for the love of god! And he could do the work. Fortunately I was able to fight him back on track and he passed. But it was a hard school term and I went to bed crying and discouraged frequently.

This child has fought me on everything. Even going to McDonald's can become a battle with him. One day he screamed at me so loud for so long that the neighbors called the police. The cop said "Good luck lady, he's clearly not abused, just a brat." All because I told him to wipe up his toilet seat that he had smeared with piss and shit. Why? I don't know. At six, he could do it. But it entailed screaming at me for hours.

He lies, lies constantly about everything. He lies about stupid things like what he had for lunch. He lies about inane things like if he put a book away or brushed his teeth. He lies about huge things like the time he had a cold and told everyone I didn't help him when he was sick, or telling people I don't feed him.

I don't know what he has told his teachers, sitters, our neighbors or his friends, but everyone looks at me like I am a terrible person after they have spent any amount of time with him.

Anyway, fast forward to this summer, and there is not a house in the neighborhood he is allowed at. It started with my only friend in the neighborhood telling me that he was hurting their pet rabbit. Then another neighbor came over to tell J that SS had harrassed her kids so badly that he was not allowed to be anywhere near them. Then another neighbor came over and said SS was drawing on their fence with markers. My friend with the rabbit can separate SS from me, and she is still my friend. But the rest of the neighbors also told J that I was to blame for this (not enough supervision, not enough discipline, one said she tried to talk to me but I was "cussing him out" because I wanted to take a nap.) Admittedly, I have had a few break downs. I probably was in the middle of a swearing fit because I had tried to lay down with the baby 4 or 5 times and SS was screaming at the dog, banging things on walls or doing anything else in his power to make sure that I could not sleep. Nevermind that I had probably gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before because the baby was teething.

Anyway, we are moving. Thank god for small favors. This is the second place I have lived where I have to duck in shame when I go from house to car and back again. I intentionally avoid walking or taking the kids to the park with in 6 miles of the house and grocery shop at bizarre hours to avoid people due to SS since people think I am a horrible person.

J pretty much blames me for SS's issues. He says he is angry because he knows I hate him. Now we are moving back to where J is from and I fear that I can't put a foot wrong because every little thing will be reported back to him. I am doubly stressed because I feel that I pretty much have to be on my best behavior so that if SS does act out, cause problems and otherwise make a nusiance of himself, people will be less inclined to blame, shame, or malign me for it.

SS had issues LOOOOONG before I came along. He was shuttled from childcare situation to childcare situation so if he acted out there was little consequence since J would be picking him up at 7 and they could wash there hands of him. He also was masterful at manipulating adults. I was the first adult EVER to tell this kid no and not budge. So of course I got a backlash.

Everyone screams at me that I should have him put in counseling but J will not do it. I have begged, pleaded, threatened and he will not budge. Besides, from what I have read, if this kid has RAD, counseling from counselor not experienced in RAD could make SS worse and a better manipulator because the counselor would reinforce that J or I were bad parents.

I love my spouse, I tire of everyone bashing him. He was doing the best he could when he met me. He had unrealistic expectations of me as a mother though and he also harbors so much guilt it is unreal. He won't let go of the daddy guilt and I feel like that is the only way he will ever get to a place where he can get a grip on SS and let go of his perception that I failed SS.

How do handle this kid? I want to love him, but it is getting to the point where I fantasize about boarding school so the baby and J and I can have a day without some sort of disaster.