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New to blended family.

ronnellstc's picture

Hi,

 

 I am looking for some guidance or some advise. My fiance has a 6 mo daughter & I have a 22yr old son. Up until recently he has very restricted access to his daughter ( supervised visits once a week for 2hrs, due to false allegations the mother has made), he now has visits in our home twice a week, every Wednesday and every other Sunday. Initially the Wednesdays were supposed to be 5-7pm, but were not being done due to work schedules ( his father's who is the superviser of in home visits). She willfully missed the first Sunday visit, and was violated in court due to this, since the violation she has changed her tune, wants to coparent, drop restraining order, etc. Yesterday they had court, and the order was dropped, and Wednesday visits have changed to 12-2pm, with his grandmother doing the visits, or he & the mother going to do something together with the child. All of which I am super happy for. My thing is, I do not feel comfortable with her (the mother) in our home, which may happen on a Wednesday. My fiance feels I am out of line for asking for some form ouf boundaries. Mind you when I say the allegations she made were horrendous, to the point that it has cause severe anxiety and ptsd in my fiance.  She is what one might call a 'classic narcissist'.  I guess what I am  looking for is suggestions and guidance on how to affectively be a "step parent" I know i have no say in any parenting when it comes to the child, but any of his decisions have a direct affect on our relationship, if he chooses to move to be closer to his child ( same school district etc) that directly affects me.   How can I co exsist in this dynamic with out over stepping my boundaries.   How do I communicate to my fiance that i deserve to ask for boundaries. 

MrsStepMom's picture

If he has a 6 month old then you really have moved way too soon to be engaged let alone live together. He needs to get his life with his child in order before he marries another woman. Plus, you life will in no way be benefited by marrying a man with a child. Don’t do it. 

Thisisnotus's picture

do not marry this guy. step away slowly and then run for your life. This is a hell to the no....that woman has zero business in your home. Not now, not ever. 6 months old? Do you want to spend the next AT LEAST 18 years of your life in non stop drama and chaos.....that is what you are in far. Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ndc's picture

When I was first dating my SO, he had no boundaries in place with BM.  They would take the kids together do do fun things, like the zoo or the apple orchard.  They celebrated birthdays together, did holidays together.  When we'd been dating several months, SO went to a Halloween party with BM's family and wanted to trick-or-treat with the kids and BM.  I decided at that point that I needed boundaries.  I told him he could have an ongoing relationship with her and play "first family" with her and the kids, or he could have a relationship with me.  He couldn't have both.  Fortunately, he "got it" and changed his relationship with BM.  They co-parent and cooperate, but they don't do things together now.  They still do joint birthday parties, which is OK with me (and I'm always there), and he will let the kids go to holiday functions with BM's family on his time if they want to go and he doesn't have something planned, but he no longer goes along.  It was a pretty simple "her or me" choice that I gave SO, and I was prepared to walk away when I gave him the ultimatum.  It was my hill to die on because I knew I couldn't live with the lack of boundaries and having BM that involved in my life and my relationship.

In your situation, there is no way I would be OK with him and the BM going on outings with the child together.  His time should be HIS time, even if it's supervised.  It does not need to be time with BM or playing "family" with BM and the child.  And after false allegations, I don't know why he would want to spend time with her or allow her into his home.  It just gives her possible ammunition.  If he is not willing to listen to your desire for boundaries, it's unlikely that he'll seek your opinion  on moving, household rules for the skid, custody matters for the skid that directly affect you, etc.  If boundaries and living a peaceful life are important to you, you need to make this your hill to die on and be prepared to walk away.  I would also make sure that yours is a long engagement, because he really does need to get things settled with his very young child, and you need to get comfortable with where things land, before you marry him.

ronnellstc's picture

Thank you, this was what i was looking for. I feel like as soon as the "happy" phase of knowing he has more time with his kid wears off, he will see my point ( has happened in the past.) We have a date set for 2022 as for the wedding goes. I just want to know how to I effectively communicate this to him. 

tog redux's picture

What the hell? Why in the world would he agree to go on outings with the woman who made false allegations that landed him with supervised visits? Why would he let her in his home? Has he lost his mind?

If he doesn't see the issues there, that's a huge red flag. You are in for a long, long road. This woman isn't going to magically become sane, and he clearly doesn't see what she's about. 

hereiam's picture

Good Lord, you shouldn't have to communicate to him about boundaries, he should already know that they are needed. To protect himself AND you.

He is asking for trouble.

 

Rags's picture

If coming from a man gives a different perspective, I will weigh in.

This has all kinds of red flags for a less than stellar outcome.  A quick relationship, two people in two very different phases of life, a proven toxic X, an infant child, an adult unrelated child, at least 18 years of court orders, visitations, child support, etc....

So, to have a reasonable chance at a semi-successful outcome you and your SO are going to have to put in substantial preporatory work and uild foundations to base this relationship on.  

First, you and the relationship must always come first to him.  He and the relationship must always come first for you.  

Next, keeping BM under control must be a non negotiable responsibility that he delivers on without fail.  He needs to protect you, protect your marriage and protect this baby from the toxic BM.  

Though your child is an adult, this situation can't interfer with his life or your relationship with him.   He did not sigh up for this two decade or more drama show.  Usually I am not one to put a child, particularly an adult child, before a marriage.  However, in this case.... that must happen or the related tensions will cause far more tension than this already difficult situation can handle.

As additional information, how old are you and your SO?  With your 22yo Vs his 6mo old I would suspect you may have an age difference though not necessarily.   

The charactreristics of long term successful blended families tend to have some consistent characteristics.

Lack of structure and diligent adhrence to the successful characteristics are harbingers of blended relationship failure.

 

ronnellstc's picture

There is a small age gap (me being 5 years older) I was fairly young when I had my child.   Idk if this will help any to make it more clear. She left him in April cut him completely out of the pregnancy, he tried everything to get her to take him back, he finally had to move on for his own mental well being as it was clear she didnt want him around. We began talking in late June, dating in July, engaged on Thanksgiving. 

I am just trying to figure out how to become a cohesive unit, while protecting him & myself (along with my son) as I can not trust her motvies as of yet due to her previous allegations.  We work very well together on a daily basis , both coming from single parent households ( both raised by our dads) he ended up with a horrible step mom, and he  does not want his daughter to have a child hood like he did , constant resentment, having to do everything seperate, etc.   It is going to take time for the Bm to gain my trust. I respect that she has thanked me for being in their daughter's life, but i still see other motives. 

Rags's picture

Thanks for the feedback and clarification.

Your age difference is obviously not the issue that I thought it might be.  5 years is not an issue IMHO.

I am 12 years (11.5 actually) the elder in my marriage.   My bride was a 16yo single teen mom.  BioDad was 22 when SS-26 was born.   We are approaching our 25th anniversary.  We met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.  DW was 18 when we married, I was 30.    She has always had incredible emotional maturity... and I tend to be eternally 13.  She denotes me to 12 periodically.   So, age is not neccessarily an issue nor does it have to be a deal breaker.

We were never able to trust the my SS's SPermIdiot nor any adult in the SperClan.  It was a constant vigil to protect SS and our marriage from their toxic toothless moron manipulative crap.  Though challenging, we were able to raise SS-26 to viable, self sufficient adulthood.

He asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.

I hope that you and your DH can navigate the blended family drama, protect your family and that  you can preserve your relationship with your adult son.  A toxic X in the blended family opposition at some point loses any opportunity to be dealth with reasonably.  Do not waste much time on your DH's X.  The best indicator of future performance is past behavior.  She has given you all you need to write her off, keep her under a heavy thumb, and well versed in the pain that failing to be reasonable returns to her.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Harry's picture

You have to get into real world.  BM is not your friend, BM will not ever thank you.  You took her life.  Your SO should have little contact with BM.  They had had a sexual relationship, and a child. There will always be some feelings there.  

Rags's picture

Lol.  Yep, my wife has feelings for the SpermIdiot alright. And always will.  Feelings of disgust.  She detests his worthless ass.

Sure, they had a sexual relationship and made a child together. But they never had a child together.  DipShitiot killed any chance of that with his never ending quest to perpetrate statutory rape against and impregnate every underage womb in the PAC NW and his lived goal of being a gangbanger gangster rapper.  

Even at 16 DW was far his intellectual and character superior.  She learned from that experience and created a great life for herself and her son.

DipShitiot is still supported by the SpermGrandHag and SpermGrandPa at 48 years old.

Yep, DW has feelings for him.  Feelings that he would hate feeling the consequences of if he crawled out from under his slime covered rock at the bottom of the SpermClan shallow and polluted gene pool.

ROFL

The OP did not take BM's life.  BM destroyed that life for herself when she terminated the relationship with the father of her then unborn child and attempted to keep the father from the child upon birth.