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New Bedrooms and Favoritism?

Here Comes Treble's picture

We're moving to a new house next week. Up until this point, SD10 has been living with us full time. My BS13 will be moving in with us.

At the new house, one bedroom is about 15 sq ft smaller than the other. Last night, fiancé said SD will get the bigger room because "she's a girl" and that "it goes along with boys opening doors for girls and such." He went on to say that's how it was in his mom's house growing up -- he had the smallest room.

I said this isn't his mom's house. He said, "Nope. It's mine."

I could feel myself getting worked up at that point, so I dropped the conversation for the time being.

Any thoughts? Mountain out of a molehill? Legit BS?

Amusing side note: About an hour later, we also talked about yard work; we've already agreed both kids will help cut the grass. His words -- and I'm not kidding -- "I'm surprise SD didn't say she can't because 'she's a girl.'"

Monchichi's picture

In my home, my friends homes and now our homes the eldest, immaterial of gender, gets the largest room. Gender is not a reason for preferential treatment in my opinion.

Acratopotes's picture

nothing to stress over... let SD have the bigger room who cares? Kids leave the house...
you can always make BS's room funky to his liking... belief me he would not care

but when it comes to chores and SD is not pulling her weight then you have reason to be pissed off...

Ninji's picture

We moved in Dec. SD13 and SS11 had the same size rooms in the old house. SD has the smaller room in the new house. SS's room faces the front of the house and SD's room faces the side of the house. DH wanted her window to be behind the fence so that no boys could sneak in.

SD was not happy about it. She mentioned it every day and to every person that asked about the new house. I painted her room pink and bought her a nice new desk. She hasn't mentioned it since.

Gender doesn't matter. If both kids will be there full time, flip a coin or your son gets his room painted first. Something to make it feel more even to the kids.

If it's DH's house and not yours, I guess you will have to acquiesce.

Ninji's picture

I agree but it seems like he is saying "his house, his rules" Maybe not, Maybe I just read it that way. The house we currently live in is in my name only but I would never tell my DH that it has to be my way because it's my house. But some people do act like that.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

"Nope. It's mine."

With that kind of attitude, I wouldn't be moving anywhere with him.

ESMOD's picture

This!!!

He is telling you right now that he has the final say over everything. Do you want to always have your preferences come in second?

To be honest, room size isn't always the only factor in why a room might be preferrable.

Is one in a quieter location? Better View?

In our house, oldest got the CHOICE of rooms.. but could also see that they could pick straws.. flip a coin etc...

It might be that your son really doesn't care which room he has.

While this wouldn't necessarily be a hill to die on, I do think the undercurrent is troublesome

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Exactly. The room choice may not matter to the BS, but I'm wondering if this is just one of many ways that he will always get "shafted" in favor of his stepsister. That could be a pattern that causes a lot of resentment, both on BS's and the OP's parts.

Here Comes Treble's picture

This is my concern, too. BS13 is pretty lax about a lot of things, so this particular situation may be a nonissue for him. I just don't want this to crop up over and over. Eventually, it will matter to him if it does. Especially since SD10 is the competitive type that likes to rub in her "wins" and assert her "superiority." I've caught her on a few occasions being nasty to BS. I shut the attitude down whenever I can.

Example: At dinner during one of BS's visitations, he complimented SD's hair. No gracious thank you or anything. Instead, SD told him he can't say things like that to her and commented on how all the other boys are cuter than him. I told her the only appropriate response to a genuine compliment is "thank you." It doesn't matter who said it.

ESMOD's picture

This!!!

He is telling you right now that he has the final say over everything. Do you want to always have your preferences come in second?

To be honest, room size isn't always the only factor in why a room might be preferrable.

Is one in a quieter location? Better View?

In our house, oldest got the CHOICE of rooms.. but could also see that they could pick straws.. flip a coin etc...

It might be that your son really doesn't care which room he has.

While this wouldn't necessarily be a hill to die on, I do think the undercurrent is troublesome

ESMOD's picture

This!!!

He is telling you right now that he has the final say over everything. Do you want to always have your preferences come in second?

To be honest, room size isn't always the only factor in why a room might be preferrable.

Is one in a quieter location? Better View?

In our house, oldest got the CHOICE of rooms.. but could also see that they could pick straws.. flip a coin etc...

It might be that your son really doesn't care which room he has.

While this wouldn't necessarily be a hill to die on, I do think the undercurrent is troublesome

twoviewpoints's picture

As long as it's a new move into a different home (meaning no one being displaced from their current room in an established home), I would give the bigger bedroom to the female. Not because she's some special little snowflake, but because females have more junk than males. It gives the female room for a dressing table (less time in the bathroom) and perhaps more closet space. Girls like shopping and hoarding clothing, shoes and accessories. Males, not so much.

If the kids were three and five, meh, flip a coin. We're talking 15sq feet.

What would be a red flag for me was the 'it's my house' line. Say what? If my kid and I are living with you and your kid (both adults working, sharing household expenses, sharing household chores blah blah), it is 'our home' , or I'm not moving in. Period. That's the point of moving into a different, not already established home. To make it equal and ours. No kid has sense of 'we were here first' , no SM feeling like she can't decorate and reorganize an already set up house, no intentional nor unintentional sense of being the outsider.

There should be no male chores/female chores. That sink of dishes? Those weeds growing in the garden? that dirty bathroom floor and toilet? None of it requires a special body part or lack of. Simple two hands and some elbow grease.

FWIW, if the male happens to have something like a drum set or a piece of furniture (example, corner desk for his computer) that fit and work better in the larger bedroom and/or actually needs the extra few feet for practical necessity reasons, yeah, male gets it. No need to run out and purchase new bedroom pieces due solely on female having too many shoes. *shrugs*

Run a few more thins by this guy to see his answers. Any more red flags lurking in his head not voiced as yet? Now is the time to hear them, before beginning this new household merge.

Acratopotes's picture

I think we took the It's my house out of context...

I said this isn't his mom's house. He said, "Nope. It's mine." - meaning it's not his mothers house or any other family member's house it's his house (their house) he makes the rules not his mother...

Here Comes Treble's picture

Nope. Not taken out of context at all. This is his attitude.

stepmomof1biomomof1's picture

My husband moved into his house a few months before we got engaged. He told SD who was 11 at the time that she could use the bigger bedroom as her play room until we moved in. It cause all kinds of problems. She had to watch as we moved all her stuff out of the room and try to organize it in her much smaller room so we could move DS12 in.
She pouted and cried about it for months and still brings it up.
DS12 got the bigger room because he is with us full time and has bigger furniture.

hereiam's picture

Because "she's a girl"? Oh, Lord.

I had two sisters growing up, so we were all girls. Lucky for me, I'm the oldest.

Instead of setting her on this, "but I'm a girl" path, maybe he should think outside that box, so that she will, too.

Maybe, in spite of being a girl, she can make the smaller bedroom work (ya know, 'cuz girls are more organized Wink ).

I would definitely address the comment about the house being his and nail down what he meant by that. It could have been nothing but it could be something.

sunshinex's picture

Oldest gets the biggest room. I'm pregnant with my first and baby will take the smaller room because SD is 5 and lives with us full-time, so she naturally gets first choice and quite honestly, she'll always get first choice UNLESS she stops staying with us full-time. I think step or bio - oldest gets the biggest room as long as all kids are full-timers. If the oldest happens to stay at the house 50% of the time or less, they shouldn't get the biggest room simply because they're the oldest.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

I always believed oldest gets the bigger room but in this case it's not who get the room that worries me.

It's whose house it is. It's not his. It's both of yours and the choice of who gets which room should be made together. Also this "she a girl" crap needs to go. She's a girl doesn't mean she's fragile. That is sexist and wrong.

The idea that she would get out of cleaning up the yard because she is a girl? Really? That just set's you guys up for all sorts of problems.

Peridwen's picture

I have a problem with your DH announcing who gets which room instead of it being a discussion between the two of you. You two may not agree and one of you will end up compromising, but it should be a discussion where you both get to bring up viewpoints.

How do you feel about it?

Here Comes Treble's picture

How do I feel about it?

Irritated that he thinks so little of my opinion. Knee jerk, vengeful side of me wants to tell him this: "If the house isn't mine, that's fine. Neither is SD10, so it's all on you now buddy. Run her to her activities and work with her on school stuff. Do her laundry, too. I'm done."

But I think I should refrain.

CANYOUHELP's picture

'It's My House" really? So, will this be his defense each time you disagree with him? What else will you give up to appease HIS ownership in the future? It would be OUR home and I would make that clear and I would start right here, given he is made a serious issue regarding ownership at this point. He is telling you-you have NO say in your own life or home (if applicable). If you are on the title, I would bring it out and show it to him; if not, you need a house with joint ownership because he appears to be attempting to control you over ownership.

It would be HIS house alright...after that comment.....action time.

Here Comes Treble's picture

Sorry it took so long to get back to everyone. It's been a hectic day at work. Thank God for lunch!!

I agree with many of you who said gender is not relevant. And TONS of you nailed the crux of my issue -- it's his attitude and disregard for my input. My concern is this is only the beginning; it needs to be nipped in the bud.

A few of you referenced who pays what and how much. Truthfully, he brings home much more than I do -- so he pays more. (Both our names are on the lease btw.)

With that said, I have to agree with SuperJew. While my fiancé never gets a day off and works LONG hours running his own business, i work about 30 hours per week and maintain almost the entire homefront, including picking up the slack with SD10 (activities, homework, extra lesson plans, etc.) This has created enough problems on its own, but it's the least I can do. And it's a lot. So yes... I believe I should have more say in this. Here's the thing. I could be devoting all this time I spend on household and SD10 to build my own business back up, but I'm not so that he can focus totally on his.

Here Comes Treble's picture

I have to add this whole dynamic about work and financial contribution will change at the new house. I'm turning the workshop into a studio so I can run my business from there. I'll just let BS13 be my camera and lighting man.

SMforever's picture

He sounds a little control freaky. And sexist. I don't find dinosaurs attractive. What else is he controlling about. Unless he's 65+ then I'd say he's way behind the curve for someone of any younger age group. Red flag.

The fact you are unwilling to challenge him on this, but instead are bottling up your resentment, says you have decided to accept the role of domestic for the relative luxury/security of a shared home. If it were me, I'd be gone back to the single life, I couldn't stand some guy waving his financial authority over my head. But then, we all have our needs.

Here Comes Treble's picture

I've become more aware of this lately. Though he's not off the hook yet. I already told him last night that I planned to revisit once I slept on it.

SM12's picture

In hour house, OSS and BS's rooms were about the same size only BS had a bathroom attached and OSS had to actually walk three feet into a hall for his bathroom which he shared with his younger brothers. We gave the kids their option of rooms. I pulled for BS to get the room with the bathroom because he is here all the time. The SS's were only here a few days a week. PLUS the SS's all had rooms at their BM's house where my BS didn't have a designated room as his Dad's house. My house was his only home where he could take roots. No one really cared all that much about what rooms they got. Shortly after moving in OSS stopped coming so we moved MSS and YSS upstairs to OSS's room. Then MSS stopped coming so YSS gets the room all to himself. BS has launched but still comes home to visit to his room remains his room.

Acratopotes's picture

Now that I went through all your replies, hon disengage from SD.....

you have no say in the house, you are not allowed to discipline the little snow flake, thus you will not clean after her, you will not care for her anymore, Daddy can run around driving her and Daddy can clean after his snowflake....

slowly disengage and start rebuilding your life, now that you have BS full time you can simply say you need to chip in more }:) and make sure you do not pay for anything for SD....

Ndtotalk22's picture

Bedroom issues ugghh, we have them also. We have a 4 bedroom home and I have 2 boys and my dh has a son and a daughter. Mine are the oldest and youngest,...SD gets a room to herself but even though I gave her a closet and dresser since we moved here in 2007 (she is now 21) she always insisted on living out of a suitcase and left things I got her here and never wore them. I gave up and started using the closets and dresser and now her room is a mess with my stuff...It is a passive aggressive thing with me?...maybe, but I don't care anymore.

My BS graduated from college last year but is still home and my SS and BS2 used to have bunkbeds in their room but they got too big so we put a twin in there and have a fold out couch downstairs(which they refuse to open like a bed) my youngest BS (17) is the one who gets kicked downstairs when SS is here but I always tell him he is the youngest, he says he doesn't mind.

My BS is planning on being out soon within a few months but is in a entry level job and has to be there a year before he can get a higher paying job so it probably will be late summer before his departure. My DH is always threatening to kick him out and they have had a difficult relationship, honestly I never thought he would come home at all after college but what do I know...

I don't have any advice for you because no matter what, no one can know all we go through, what we've been through and we are all different.

what I do know is find something that makes you happy(I am still looking), it used to be my relationships with my family but it no longer is, I guess it is my own version of disengaging. some fights are worth fighting and some are not.

MrsMeanie's picture

In my house SD15 has a smaller room than DD3mo will have once she moves out of our room. There are two reasons for this, 1) as DD is a baby I wanted her on the same level as us and 2) SD has it's own bathroom and it's always been "her hearts desire" to have her own bathroom, lol... plus it wont be long until SD leaves for college anyway. I am the oldest of my siblings and I never had the biggest room except in one house and we moved a lot. It's always been decided based on needs and what worked best for our family, and that's how DH and I do it now. Just because a child is a girl doesn't make them anymore special than it does if they are a boy, and vice versa.

Rags's picture

Nope, the eldest gets room choice. He may choose the smaller if it gives him more privacy and separation from everyone else.

Your DH dictating disturbs me and were I you I would jerk a knot in his tail for that crap immediately each and every time he plays those cards.

I would not dictate to my bride and if I did she would not tolerate it. We make decisions in our home together. I can only think that