New Baby, NO SPACE
Me and my fiance have been together for almost 3 years. Coming into the relationship I had a now 9 year old and he has a 15 year old. I have my 9 year old full time and his 13 year old would come over on occasion. My fiance owns a 3 bedroom mini home. His daughter has always had the bigger of the 2 extra bedrooms. When we moved in my daughter moved into the smallest room. His daughter is welcome to come anytime. We often ask her to do things with us but she tends to want to stay either at her mothers house or my fiance's parents, who just live up the street from her, spoil her rotten and have done a lot of the raising of her. She may come and stay once every few months but only if she has a friend with her and they stay in her room the entire time. It has been hard to make a connection with her but that is another issue completely. The issue right now is that I am currently 25 weeks pregnant. We have no place for the baby. We are searching for a bigger house but it isn't going to come fast and things take time. We have no storage or anything really. My fiance talked to his daughter about letting my daughter move into her room until we find a larger place and she was fine with it at first. Took her bed out and was prepared to move the rooms. Now she is upset and doesnt want the room taken away. Even though it is temporary and she barely uses it. She has 2 other bedrooms at her other homes aswell. Is it selfish to expect that for a short time she would be without a room here? I am feeling very guilty about the whole situation but we have no space! And moving to a larger place is going to take time.
Don't understand
Are you giving the baby its own room? Can you not put a bassinet in your room at first?
Does your DD never go to her father or other relatives?
Will you have your DD and SD share a room?
I will be putting a bassinet
I will be putting a bassinet in our room at first yes. The problem is lack of space for anything at all really. The bedrooms are so tiny that they would never fit 2 beds. My stepdaughter is here maybe 1 night every 6 months and has the bigger bedroom along with 2 other bedrooms at her grandparents and mothers house. My daughter lives here 100% of the time. If my stepdaughter chose to live here it would be a different situation. She always has the option but decides not to. I think it's unfair that the new baby will have no space whatsoever, even though a room sits unused.
Well
I predict you will see even less of her. If I were her, I would think it unfair that your DD is always there.
Unfair? How is it unfair,
Unfair? How is it unfair, should DD go sleep elsewhere for a while so SD's poor widdle feelings aren't hurt? Maybe she could sleep in the garage. Did you ever consider that DD might think it's "unfair" that SD gets to see both of her parents?
OP put this in play
She made decisions that apparently resulted in her DD not having contact with her dad or his family. She needs to own it.
My daughter visits her father
My daughter visits her father, at his sisters house once a week for a few hours. He is not stable enough for custody or overnight visits in his home. I am close with his sister. She is his only family.
I am sorry
It appears that your DD has no choice but to be with you 100% of the time, and I would guess, but please feel free to clarify, that your ex pays no CS. Even if you are working now, will you go back to work after you have the baby (and yes, congrats on the baby!), but at the end of the day, I can imagine that the grandparents are pissed that your FH would rather support your DD than his own. Not an easy situation.
I do work, and will return
I do work, and will return when my benefits end. No my ex does not contribute.
What point are you making
What point are you making with the CS? That if her ex doesnt pay it the kid should have to have the smaller room? I'm not making the connection.
The grandparents
May think they should not have to provide a room for their grandchild if DAD only wants to provide a room for his SD.
They dont have to. They're
They dont have to. They're choosing to - they can say no if they want. I'd guess if they are spoiling her they probably love it though and want her there. Maybe even playing somewhat of an enabling role and giving her somewhere to go when shes not getting her way.
I really doubt
They want their grandchild sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag. OP says they are guilting their son. I can understand that. If I were in their shoes, I would be re-writing my will to cut out son, have any money go directly to SD (or in trust, if they pass while she is a minor)
Also not seeing where it says
Also not seeing where it says they are going to make her sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. All I see is that she wont have the biggest bedroom all to herself. I promise you - at 15 where shes staying and the circumstances around it has more to do with her social life then anything else. Trust me, I had divorced parents and that was my main deciding factor in where I was staying at that age. Which was more convenient as far as being close to where my friends were or which parents it was easier to sneak out from etc.
Maybe OP will clarify
But I think she has said she will not make her own DD share, the baby gets a room, so nothing left for her SD.
I'm sure they have a couch.
I'm sure they have a couch. It wont kill her to sleep on a couch a couple times until they move. I dont see why they couldn't have her share with DD a couple night either though with a bunk bed or trundle bed or whatever either, other than it might be a little awkward for them if they aren't close.
I don't get your argument.
I don't get your argument. The kid visits every 6 months, and you think they should leave a bedroom open for her (the biggest one), while the other two kids share?
Why don't the grandparents talk to their GD about her ignoring her father and never visiting her home?
Where does it say that?
Where does it say that? You are making shit up now.
And SDs father made decisions
And SDs father made decisions resulting in her not being there as much as the other kids and therefore needing less space. He also obviously made choices resulting in her acting like a spoiled brat that will throw tantrums if she doesnt get her way over a baby. He needs to own it. You do realize this happens in nuclear families all the time when living situations change and the kids have to suck it up and deal? She can have whatever she wants for a bedroom when she is an adult and pays the rent herself.
She stays there every few
She stays there every few months - she can sleep on the couch.
So ridiculous that a kid who barely ever spends the night has the bigger room. I'm not sure if she's 15 or 13 (you said both), but either way, she doesn't come over often enough to warrant her own room. If she were every other weekend, maybe, but there is ZERO reason why she has her own room in a three bedroom house with 2 other kids there.
If she complains, let her know that if/when she starts coming over on a regular basis, you'd be happy to revisit the idea of her having her own room.
Her, and my fiance's parents,
Her, and my fiance's parents, are guilting my fiance into feeling bad about taking the room away from her. I just dont understand how they dont see the logic in the situation.
It's ridiculous. So your DD,
It's ridiculous. So your DD, who is there all the time, gets a smaller room, while your baby sleeps with you? Your SO needs to find his spine.
Put the baby in SD's room. She can sleep in your room on the rare occasions that SD visits. You won't be able to decorate it for her, but babies don't care about decorations, that stuff is for the parents, anyway.
Maybe they resent
That their grandchild gets the short end of the stick so their son can support your kid? Do you get CS for the 9YO?
And if the only way dad gets to see his oldest kid is if she stays at grandparents, they get to voice their opinion. If you do not want to listen to inlaws complaints, then be self sufficent. As much as you comment about the SD being distant, it seems to me that DH has relied on them, and now you want to up the ante
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about? Did you read the same post that I did? How is she getting the short end of the stick if she’s got the bigger room? And who said he’s supporting her child and how is that SD’s business?
OP's proposal is that DH's DD no longer gets a room
We don't know who is supporting OPs kid, but if she wants to push the SD on others, like the grandparents, they certainly have the right to complain. Maybe OP will come back and tell us more.
We both work as a team as far
We both work as a team as far as support goes. And I absolutely dont think I'm pushing my stepdaughter on anyone. If she wanted to live here she would be more then welcome. She chooses to live where she does.
huh? Who is the team
YOu and DH? Even though his DD is rarely there? Does your ex help at all with your DD???
And of course, if you do not give her room, she is being pushed out.
She already pushed herself
She already pushed herself out. She visits less often than I see my own mother, and I'm way over 15. Should my mother keep a bedroom for me?
The age difference matters
I do not understand how and why dad let this happen. Presumably he had a court order, but just let his parents take his time because he was lazy. It does not sound like building a relationship with the DD matters to him. As others have said, I don;t know why they can't keep the baby in a bassinet for a year. Or they can add to the distance with the SD.
Stuff happens. People let
Stuff happens. People let their kids dictate custody schedules. Some people feel a kid should decide, and it says that he sees her all the time at his parents' home (where she prefers to stay because it's in town).
SD doesn't want to spend the night there much because of where they live, but still has a good relationship with her father. Fine if it works for everyone.
How about adults let kids know that it's selfish to demand the biggest room in the house when you never use it?
You dont know why they cant
You dont know why they cant keep a baby in a bassinet a year? Uh because after they are sitting up at about 6 months they can fall out...you arent seriously advocating for a 15 year old to get her way over an infant's safety? I have videos of my 14 month old when he was about 10 months holding onto the side of his crib and jumping up and down...what do you think he would've done in a bassinet at that age, just sat there nicely waiting when he woke up for someone to come take him out?
I feel like the fact we are
I feel like the fact we are house hunting now for a bigger space should count for something too. It isn't forever.
He has very much relied on
He has very much relied on them helping him raise her. He does see his daughter often because he visits his parents daily and often times she is there. She prefers to be there because as a teenager, they are in town and we are in the country. She can come and go as she pleases. Maybe I am being unreasonable but it is a huge issue right now and I need opinions to figure it all out. I'm just stressing because time is ticking and I feel bad for my fiance as he seems to be stuck in the middle.
To clarify, she is 15 now.
To clarify, she is 15 now. She was 13 when we moved in.
The baby may be in a bassinet
The baby may be in a bassinet in your room for 6 or even 12 months, but babies have a lot of stuff. Presumably the baby will need a chest of drawers and some closet space in addition to a place to sleep. Is there room in SD's room for those items? Or can you use her dresser? If she's coming once every six months, I can't imagine she has a lot of clothes or other items in her dresser and closet. And I wouldn't say a word to her about it. If she doesn't come over for 6 months, she won't even know.
She needs to suck it up and
She needs to suck it up and deal with it. She doesnt have to like it, but the reality is practicality wise it makes the most sense to move your daughter into the room that has space for all of her stuff and the baby also have it's own room once it's too big for a bassinet because there are huge differences in sleeping and nap schedules between a 9 year old and a baby. It's not going to work well to have a baby waking up during the night and also waking up the 9 year old, among other things. Tell her you're sorry shes upset and you still would love to have her there, but with the limited space shes going to have to choose another option (bunk bed in your DD room or whatever) for awhile besides having her own room.
Kids should never get to
Kids should never get to dictate which bedroom they sleep in. They don’t pay the bills, they don’t rule the roost, they sleep where they’re told to sleep. Period.
This kid stays at her fathers twice a year. It’s unreasonable for an entire bedroom to remain empty nearly always while 4 people cram into 2 small bedrooms. Makes absolutely zero sense. I don’t really see why the SD would need to sleep on the couch when she decides to grace OP’s family with her presence, get a set of bunk beds & both girls can share that room twice a year when SD visits. Not seeing the big deal?
It’s not HER room. It’s a room in her dad & SM’s house that she used to sleep in. When my parents had my youngest sister I got booted from my room & bad to share with my sister. We ended up sharing until we both moved out because we were closest in age. There was no choice about it, that’s what happened because that made sense for the family.
Catering to SD & leaving the bedroom empty for princess is ridiculous. As is rushing out to buy a bigger home immediately upon learning you’re pregnant all so each child gets their own room, especially when one of them is almost never there. What a waste of money.
Move when you’re financially ready, OP. Until then your DH’s parents can mind their own damned business & SD can share with DD in the 2 nights a year she’s there. The world doesn’t revolve around her, it’s about time she learned that.
Seriously. As the youngest,
Seriously. As the youngest, I don't get this. I waited years to get my own bedroom and then when I finally did, my older sister moved back home after college for a while and I had to share again.
She didn't get to demand that we leave her room for her, and I didn't get to demand that she not move back in with me.
But of course, we weren't poor CODs whose feelings are more important than anyone else's.
Baby in room may work for
Baby in room may work for most, but for some it won't. One of mine was in our room when we first brought him home. Sleeping in our room did not work out. He just wouldn't sleep if we were in the same room. We moved him into his own room and we got long stretches of night sleep.
This new baby will be the grandparents' grandchild too. They should be able to understand and help make the 15 year old understand that saving a room for a few nights a year visit is not feasible.
I'd put bunk beds in the biggest room and let the two oldest girls in the house share.
CG you said this "Dad does
CG you said this "Dad does not seem to have bought into this change. The OP attributes his feelings to guilt, but what if he is truly ambivalent about giving up his daughter 's room? That is a feeling that he is a!lowed to have."
Dad is entitled to his feelings-but his feelings do not take priority over the needs of the family that is their full time-it is now THEIR home too- they are engaged to be married and it's now their home. The needs of the fulltime kids always take priority over 'feelings'-particularly in a case where his daughter does have full bedrooms where she resides. She doesn't reside at dads-she only spends the night twice a year-she's a visitor at that stage. So a visitors feelings aren't above NEEDS and comfort of full timers.
That said-if their plan is solid on moving in less then a year-then maybe it's a good point to keep everyone as is and have baby in the room for the time being. If they think it'll take longer then move the girls around. Also-the other choice would be after basinett period of time- move the baby into sd's room w the crib/changer/dresser and sd can share room w/baby or baby goes back into mom/dads room the couple nights a year she spends there.
Unless there was no space in
Unless there was no space in the house whatsoever, I would never agree to simply keep the baby in my room. Not when there’s a room sitting empty 99% of the time.
Where would the baby’s things go? In the corner? Under the bed? The SD can share, either with the baby or with OP’s DD, but one way or another leaving that room empty so SD’s fee fees don’t get hurt is ridiculous.
Even if they plan on moving within a year, leaving the house exactly as is makes no sense. If it’s as small a house as OP lets on, there might not be room for all of baby’s things in the parents bedroom. Not every baby can/will sleep beside mom & dad, and again, what about all the baby’s stuff??
Some adjustments will need to be made. Whether it’s bunk beds & baby gets their own room, or baby’s things in SD’s room & when SD graces their presence twice a year baby goes in with mom & dad. I genuinely don’t see the sense in leaving the house exactly as it stands currently when it’s a small house to begin with. That’s not reasonable.
Just move her stuff on out
Just move her stuff on out and don't look back! I would. I was lucky to have a spare "den" type of room that we turned into baby's room when she was born so nobody had to lose their room. BUT SD11 stopped staying at our house so we made different room sharing arrangements that didn't include her so the other kids could have more space.
I don't feel bad at all....she made the choice never to stay at our house so she no longer has a space that is hers. Thats just the way it goes when you have multiple kids (in my case baby made kid #6). I would have stood my ground with DH if SD11 had her own room that was never used and baby had no room.....baby would have the room or I would have a different house that DH and his kids did not live in....and that would be the end of that.
Looking at this from a purely
Looking at this from a purely psychological prospective, you're only doing what instinct and nature are telling you to do. To take care of your own first, to provide the best for your own, and to remove influences that you do not think will be positive for your child.
Looking at it from a fairness aspect, you could very well have your own, more grown up child stay with other family to make room for the baby instead of tossing out the step. That's how your husband probably looks at it.
It's nature vs reason. There will be a double standard nomatter the outcome, but who has to deal with the double standard? You or your husband?
Banish your child to be fair
Banish your child to be fair to the never-present SD? How long for? And I really don't think anyone would step up and take her when they found out there was a bedroom lying empty for over 360 days per year...
I'm not being accusing, just
I'm not being accusing, just objective. The husband isn't going to want to do it. If it was her biodaughter EOWE (or whatever the visitation is), would she be willing to clear out the room.
I don't have an opinion one way or the other, really. I can see the conflict, though.
The step hasn’t been tossed
The step hasn’t been tossed out though? She chooses to spend her time between her paternal grandparents & her BM’s place, so why on earth would OP send her older DD to live with family? That makes no sense at all.
Especially when there are viable solutions to this issue, just means that 2 of the kids, most likely the older girls but not necessarily, will have to share a room when all 3 are in the house together. I would never agree to send my older child away to protect the SD’s feelings over having to share a room in the twice a year visits she makes to her fathers house. I can’t see any mother who lives with her child doing that...
It was just an over the top
It was just an over the top example - really aimed at the question of whether she would clear out the room if it was her own daughter who was the visitor, and not a step. Not trying to be offensive, really.
If she said "heck yeah I'd do that!", then I don't see any problems with her or her husband doing it, the husband should actually be supportive if that were the case.
Many times, you notice things like this being malicious, with the step-parent looking for any excuse to throw the step-kids stuff in the lawn. Again, I mean no offense, and I wouldn't even judge her if she was just wanting a step-out, that's not my place. Personally, I'm not very involved, but I'm not very spiteful either.
Really? Because now I've
Really? Because now I've seen it all!
"Looking at it from a fairness aspect, you could very well have your own, more grown up child stay with other family to make room for the baby instead of tossing out the step. That's how your husband probably looks at it."
SHE's 9!!!! A 9yr old lives with her mother...almost grown, wth???? Her daughter has a custodial home (mom) she has visitation and grandparents (HER and the dads choice)- this doesn't even make an iota of sense. Of COURSE the 9yr old that has custody with mom lives with mom and not her effing relatives. What is rational is that he divorced-and with that he alsot didn't have custody-he already knows this...there is absolutely NO comparison here.
Full time residents get room
Full time residents get room priority. Period. Put the Skid in the broom closet or on an air matress in the corner of the laundry room.
No more discussion. Do what makes it easiest on those who actually live in the home. Visiting Skids are not guests, nor are they residents. They are in a limbo category.
Once you have a bigger home, re-calibrate the room situation then. Until then.... SD gets the smaller room.