New to this and losing my mind
Hi! New here.. And having a hard time. A little back story: my bf and I have been together 2.5 years. I have a 4 year old son and he has 9 year old twin boys. My son lives with us and stays with his dad on the weekend. For the first 1.5 years of our relationship, he had his kids every other weekend. I found it hard but it was only two days so it was manageable. However a year ago, without notice their mom moved to the other side of the country with them. We didn't see them for 10 months. Just before Christmas she came back home then decided to leave them with us and move away again.
They have been living here for 3 weeks now. And the entire time they have been here, my bf has been out west working. I'm full time parenting his two children as well as my own son during the week.
I am absolutely losing my mind. They are disrespectful, talk back and never listen. They run around the house like wild animals, tell outright lies to my face (they didn't bring homework home all week and said they had none.. Emailed their teachers and this was not the case). I'm not saying my son is perfect but any means but he is kind and loving and respectful. I know it's not the twins' fault that their mother has never disciplined them or given them an ounce of stability. But I feel so resentful about the fact that she did a crummy job raising them, then just dumped them on me. She gets to move away and go to college and party, my boyfriend is on the other side of the country, and all of the responsibility is on me.
My bf will be home in two weeks. He is going to have to quit his job because I am not raising his children alone forever. I know it probably makes me an awful person but I can't help but think how much easier it would be to just take my son and leave and just be the two of us. I love my boyfriend and his kids but this isn't how I wanted my life to go.. I'm miserable and tired and I just want to hide in my bedroom every day. I feel like a horrible person.
Thank you! They definitely do
Thank you! They definitely do play off each other, and fight constantly. Its exhausting.. I'm counting down the days until he's home. I hope we can figure this out. Its just the thought of being a full time parent to these kids and having them in my home for the rest of my life scares me.. And makes me feel trapped in my own house
maybe I will adjust more with time.
He told me tonight his flight
He told me tonight his flight has been booked for next Saturday. So thankfully only have to get through one more week.
How does it make you an awful
How does it make you an awful person? They're his kids. Did he just assume you would raise them while he was off working and their mother was off partying at college? That makes no sense. Who made this decision and why? You're not a horrible person... It's natural to feel resentful in this situation. For some reason, two parents who birthed a couple kids thought it was reasonable to drop them on your lap to raise - that's unreasonable.
Is he paying for the kids? Does he leave you money to provide for them? If neither parent can raise them, that's really sad but they should go to a grandparent or aunt/uncle. They should definitely be with a relative, not you. Or one of the parents needs to adjust their priorities and raise their kids.
I'm married and my husband still wouldn't think to get a job where he's away all the time and just leave SD with me. It's his job to parent her, not mine.
He was obligated to go back
He was obligated to go back out - the plane tickets were paid for before he knew they were going to move in with us. And yeah he left money for them as well. I don't resent him so much for being gone because it's not what he wants (he has told his boss this will be his last trip and he can't continue going away for work). I mostly just resent the fact that he got a month alone. Go to work and then go to a hotel room all alone every day. What I would give to just be alone for one day! I agree that a family member would have been better... But we didn't want the boys to have to switch schools again. They have been in 5 schools since this time last year! And bf has no family in town.
YIKES! And I complain (a very
YIKES! And I complain (a very little) when SO leaves early in the morning on weekends to go fishing and leaves munchkin SD10 with me for a few hours! No wonder you are tired. I hope that there is an answer in here for you, and next time you speak with SO you can come to an agreement.
You staying in this situation would be bad, you are not a bad person!!! Knock that bad self-talk off right now!!!
Thank you i just needed to
Thank you
i just needed to vent i guess
We went to the lawyer and had
We went to the lawyer and had joint custody papers done up (for bf and BM) and temporary guardianship for me. So in that way it's sorted. Thankfully he is coming home fairly soon.. But it's once he's home that worries me too! Even if he's here every night.. The screaming and fighting drive me crazy. And he does parent them properly but they just don't listen. Ughh.
That's the thing. As much as
That's the thing. As much as I don't really want to do it. I definitely don't want her to! She is a horrible mother. She drinks, smokes, does drugs. With them in the house. Has had physical fights with her (now ex) bf with cops involved with them there. Doesn't help them with school work or put them in clean clothes or care for them at all. They are better off with us and I know that.. It just feels like the weight of it all has been dumped on me! Maybe it will be better when my bf gets home. I hope.
Is your boyfriend still
Is your boyfriend still paying her child support?
No they went to the lawyer
No they went to the lawyer and had custody papers done up so he's not paying it anymore
How much cs is BM paying?
How much cs is BM paying?
None. She is on welfare so
None. She is on welfare so she's not required to pay it
100% of everything everyone
100% of everything everyone above said.
This is not your problem on so many levels. I can't imagine wanting to be with this man anymore if I were you. He may be wonderful in some ways, but leaving you to parent their kids while SO works and BM furthers her education? Totally unfair.
Do you work? Time to increase your hours! Daddy will have to hire a full time nanny if he can't find family they can stay with while he goes out of town.
I'm sorry. This situation is horrible. I only have to handle one basically nice 9 year old SD - but I would be gone if my husband thought he was going to travel for weeks at a time while I raise her. CAN'T even imagine TWO of them and poorly behaved, to boot. Man, I want to give you a hug, or buy you a beer, or something. Hang in there and absolutely change it up when DH gets home.
Thank you.. A hug and a beer
Thank you.. A hug and a beer would be great haha. Yeah I do work, I put the kids on the bus, take my son to daycare, work for 5 hours, pick my son up, go home and meet the bus, deal with the kids, put them to bed, sleep, repeat. Lol. This is my life now. I feel like I have post partum depression again even though I didnt give birth?
Oh god, that is a lot. It
Oh god, that is a lot. It sounds a lot like my schedule right now and I know it's almost enough to make you feel a little depressed-
We have 2 little ones together, ages 2 and 1- plus SD50% - so I get LO's up/feed to daycare, work 6 hours from home, go get kids at daycare (and sometimes SD at school,) deal with kids, feed everyone, run baths, get babies to bed, repeat. I even make the coffee the night before, because god only knows how I'd do this without coffee-
BUT- the difference is my husband takes SD to school every day and often picks her from the after school program, and I've insisted he make her lunches, handle her schoolwork and activities (that includes keeping track of them, getting her to and from them etc) and that he put her to bed every night unless he's out. And he is home every night after 7 to hang out with me and chip in with the little kids too. And that's why I still like him right now. (:
You're just doing way too much and 66% of it actually isn't yours to do.
Hope you guys can find a better solution soon!
Sounds like you have lots on
Sounds like you have lots on your plate too! Yes as soon as my bf gets home he is doing all of that. I'm not packing lunches or doing homework anymore. He totally gets that, he's a great help to me when he's home! Just need to get through this last stretch without pulling out my hair
My son loves that they're
My son loves that they're here actually. Even though they misbehave pretty much non stop he thinks it's great fun that they're here. And they are good with him! Just not with me. Bf just sent me his flight info - he will be home next Saturday! Thank god. One more week I can manage. Them we will figure it out from there
Hello kind, kind lady; you
Hello kind, kind lady; you are just terribly too kind... You see, you should never do this for a husband, much less a BF. OMG, his kids are bad because he is not there to be the parent he is supposed to be; you are not the parent and you should NOT be expected to do this at all. These are HIS kids and they are NOT your problem; do not take on his problems regardless of how much you love him or how horrible the BM mother is....not wise of you, as you see the result is exactly what you are dealing with now.
Even if you want to do it, think about it...are your really helping these children? Are you helping your BF really parent these horribly behaved kids?
You cannot be the parent. You cannot raise HIS kids; they know who their real parents are....they are crying out for their actual parents and do not expect anything but this behavior worsening, if you do not dramatically change your situation.
Ughhhh, you are NOT married to this man, so think about if you want this for the rest of your life or not.....
I know you're right. And I
I know you're right. And I have a horrible time to say no to people.. Not just my SO but anyone in general. Which usually doesn't go well for me in the end. I am going to give it the week and then once he's home see how it goes. But all I have thought about since he left is if I should stay with him. I'm heartbroken to even think about it. He is a good man and after the horrible abusive relationship I had with my son's dad.. I feel lucky to have him. Just wish the situation was different.
Somebody needs to respect and
Somebody needs to respect and protect YOUR well-being; he is not....you are a convenience; you've become his and his kid's- love slave. You need to set your expectations higher; there are a lot of sorry men out there, but there are some decent ones too. Regardless, being alone would be a hellofa less work for you physically and emotionally. If he cannot step up to the dadeee plate in every way, get your child and find some peace until he becomes the father his children are crying our for..As they age, these problems grow and only increase....
Do NOT involve your other family members in this slavery for this man, wow....come on, is that fair? Afford it, that is not YOUR problem.
I would start making plans to get out of this until he father's up, IF he can....
What I would do is tell your
What I would do is tell your DH it's way too much for you and find an before/after school childcare for them so that you can atleast have some kind of space. I would also find a relative the boys could routinely go stay with Every-Other-Weekend until your household calms down and gets back to a routine. If your husband is making decent money I would also ask him to hire a maid to come in every other week to help out. If not then start making boundaries for all the kids: their stuff stays in their room or it gets thrown away. If they want clothes then they need to wash them for themselves and if you think that is just way too much responsibility then at least make them throw their clothes in the wash as soon as they get home; my five year old skid can even do that much. I would stock up on cheap easy dinner meals for them because as teenagers they will eat you out of house and home and you shouldn't get yourself worked up over having to accomadate their every like. You cook dinner and if they don't like it then they can grab a warm up burrito, make a PB&J or starve. Give them chores, especially outside chores to get them out from under you, and reward them with wifi/Netflix passwords. If you don't want to deal with them at all then disengage from the homework and school responsibility and let them hole up in their room playing Xbox. Let your DH deal with them and making new rules when he gets back.
This is all good advice..
This is all good advice.. Thank you
I have talked to him about after school care. Even part time because right now my dad is having to take care of them on Wednesdays (half day of school here). But he thinks we can't afford it. Guess he's gonna have to figure it out because my dad can't continue to do it and I have to work. I agree with the cleaning up and the meals. I do that and am very strict with it. Maybe with time with rules and routine they will start to behave..
Gypsy, your problem is
Gypsy, your problem is wayyyyy bigger than rules and routines to address this behavior, I think you are are getting the big picture now. There is no temporary fix for this.... Protect yourself.
Thanks everyone for your kind
Thanks everyone for your kind comments/advice. I just want to make it clear that I do not think my SO is a bad person in this situation. He tells me every day How proud he is, how sorry for the situation he is, how he can't wait to be home. This whole situation has been sprung on us very suddenly. If he didn't go out west for this month, he 1. Would have been fired (whereas now he will come home and get a lay off and be able to get employment insurance until he finds a better job) and 2. Would have lost all of his luggage that was left in storage from his last trip out west (he's been going out there for 6 months so he has most of his stuff there). He wants to get this last month in so he can have enough when he comes home to start looking at buying a house since our apartment is not big enough for the 4 of us. He is trying to do right by us as much as it may not seem it from an outsiders perspective. No one forced me to take his kids. I made that decision and yeah I kind of regret it now but I'm an adult and I have to deal with my choices. Simply looking for support since this is obviously a difficult adjustment for me.
WTH..... hang in there girl,
WTH..... hang in there girl, till BF is back from work, then you make it clear....
BM has to be reported to CPS for child abandonment, BF to get sole custody over them and BM can pay CS.
BF has to sit this monsters down and say... your mother dumped you, clearly she does not love you any more, I'm working my butt off to provide for this house hold. This is my GF, while I'm gone she's in charge and you will respect and listen to her or I will stick you in a group home....
Then BF runs the rules by them .... thus BF must give you full control and BM is out and away,
Alternatively, find out where BM's at, bundle the children in the car and take them to her, drop them off and tell BM, these are you brats, not mine, I'm not baby sitting anymore...
You are not a horrible
You are not a horrible person. Neither is your BF. He is doing what he needs to do to provide for is family including you and your child.
What needs to happen immediately is for BF to contact an attorney and nail BM's toxic dead beat ass to the wall for a ton of child support and get full physical and legal custody in order to minimize contact with the deadbeat BM who abandoned the twins. He needs to do what is necessary to protect his family from this toxic BM.
Together you and BF need to sit the twins down, review the rules of reasonable behavior that will occur in your home, and give a clear picture of the consequences that will be implemented if they fail to adhere to the rules.
As for you in this difficult situation.... there is no need for you to remain in this situation unless you choose to make a life with this man. In which case..... you now have an idea of what that will entail.
Good luck. Take care of you.